Sometimes the best way to get on your feet is a big slap in the face.

[msotaku]

My relationship ended about 8 months ago. It was terrible, the reasons he gave me were: "I'm still attracted to you, you make me feel good, and I need to be alone and didn't want to be in any relationship". No build up beforehand no fighting and I loved him. The recovery was bad, we work together, so not only do I not have any closure as to what happened I have to seem him everyday and pretend everything is fine. I'm also a defintely NC kind of girl.

 

The first two months were awful. Going to my car at some point everday so I could cry and come back to work and put the happy face back on. Then it started creeping away. I still thought about him, kind of hard not to when you see him, but the crying became less and less. I went on dates before I was ready, realized it, took a break, made it through the holidays, and started dating again. I'm taking a break now just because I'm exhausted but the good thing is I wasn't comparing everyone else to him.

 

The problem was I still thought about him on occasion. If people asked if we'd ever get back together, I'd say no, unless he told me what happened, fought for me, etc etc..... I'd sometimes get pangs of jealosy at work or feel sad which was just aggrevating.

 

Anyway, so I find out he's had a long distance girlfriend for around 6 months who lives in his hometown. He went there a month before we broke up and a month afterwards. Do I know he cheated? No but I speculate. At the very least though, he's a liar and a coward. For months I wondered what went wrong, what I could've done better, maybe if I was prettier, maybe if I didn't get the better assignments at work.....I've tried to be respectful and I wasn't flaunting my dating stories or making him jealous. I felt bad for him when I saw how the break up made it harder for him at work.

 

The awesome thing though, as much as it sucks to know he's a liar and a chicken, and possibly cheated-- it took a big slap in the face to not feel bad for him, keep in the back in mind that there was a small possibility that we'd get back together, not worry about what his plans were. It was just what I needed to see him who he really is and all of his faults that I once defended. I'm angry but for the first time in awhile I feel like I have every right to be but enough distance on to realize that not he's who I thought he was and I can finally stop thinking about what I'm missing and what I want-- and it's not him.

 

I guess my point is, after a break up something will happen to make you realize its for the best. For others it's pretty quick, for me it took 7 months. It's really a process that we all have to go through. From where I am today-- to the crying in the car everyday for two months, is a world of difference. If I found out months ago I would have broken down but time really does help.

 

Just my thoughts I wanted to get out.

 

And for the catty record- he's now with a younger girl, in another state, who's a promo girl at bars (I have no problem with people doing this but for where we happen to be at in our life stages and career there's not much in common there). Angry yes, but when I told my girlfriends we couldn't stop laughing at the obvious commitment issues, which it felt nice to actually laugh about it, not cry.

[SapphireNoir10]

Im glad your feeling better. Stay strong.

[No1]

If you get knocked down 2 times, you get back up 3 times... There is better out there for you.

[Mauxly]

Brutal, but yes you will heal, and yes this is the closure that you needed. Think about it, before you started dating him, would you have even considered him at all if you knew that he'd give up a long term relationship for a bar girl? No, of course not.

 

So the next time you feel the urge to cry your eyes out because you miss him and lost 'a great guy' remember, you aren't crying over the loss of him anymore, you are crying over the loss of an illusion. He was never the man that you thought he was. And then go ahead and weep. And don't feel bad about mourning the loss of the illusion. It is a loss for sure.

 

And then when you start crying over the loss if hope (and you will) that's ok too. When we suffer betrayal from those we trust, we lose hope in our ability to trust. And that is devastating, its ok to mourn that too.

 

But know this. Know it for a fact. There is someone out there that you can trust. And the new relationship will be more fulfilling than your old one.

 

Now, start analysing....look for the red flags that you ignored. They were there. You just didn't want to see them. You need to be able to recognise them so you can find someone trustworthy in the future.

 

If you look back on the posts that I wrote, the pain that brought me to ENA you'll see that I've been through this. And I'm now happier than I've ever been. You will be too someday.