is my friend gay ? please help

[jamesy1234]

my friend is still a virgin. He has had few girl friends, never had sex. He has let me touch him, is he gay ??

[sayer7]

He might be gay... I say this only because you said he let you play with his *beep* and massage his butt etc...

 

He might not know it yet... or might be afraid to tell you... Try to keep an open mind if you ask him or if he tells you. I have a gay friend... coming out was the hardest thing he ever had to do in his life. It's important to try to be compassionate and an active non-judgemental listener.

[jamesy1234]

There are so many signs, but when I asked him he out right he got mad.

There are many people I know who insist that he is gay, but they are only guessing.

[jessijess]

To be honest, I can't think of any guy who would let another guy play with his beep if he wasnt gay. Or a guy who would play with it if he wasnt.....

[jamesy1234]

What I want to know is if he is gay ? He says he is not, but

 

What is wrong with him ? and is he gay ?

[spaggle]

well does he get a hard on when you touch him, that could be an obvious sign to his sexuality

[jamesy1234]

At different times he has had a full hard on and a semi, very few times has it been nothing, and if nothing, not for long.

[chblueguy]

Could it be possible that your friend is strictly religious or at least holds his virginity sacred to him?? It seems that he has obvious issues, weather they be religious or sexual. I mean at 35 I would think that one would be settle in their sexual and out of experimentation or confusion, but these things work differently for different people. He also may have physical problems that may hinder his sex with girls. The only thing I can say is with a guy who denies he's gay (whether he is or not) is a lost cause at this point, just give it time. If you can't do that, I say turn on the water works and pour your heart out and make him feel guilty about keeping a secret from you and he may tell you then??? That's kinda risky, but it may work and no, I haven't tried it.

[jamesy1234]

Maybe he is straight and just has not met the right one, could this be the case ? but if he was 100% hetro, would he not have tried something with somebody ? I do believe him when he says nothing with a girl.

[NotGay,Really]

Jamesy, you may need to ask yourself why you are concerned about this friend. Is he being truly honest with you? And what are your feelings toward him?

 

I have only recently been honest with a few trusted friends about some deep burdens I carried for many years. It has been a great relief. You need to consider getting honest with your friend. Don't worry about the past-- it's gone. And don't focus on what MIGHT happen. That's unknowable. Just focus on the moment, and try to be as open and honest as you can in the circumstances.

[i_hate_the_world47]

ok well in my opinion,i think your friend may be gay.i also think that you may be gay as well.Since he let you touch him then yes he is probably gay.As well as you touched him,i think you may be gay.There is nothing wrong with that though.

 

~Meagan~

[waterboy]

Your friend is probably very confused about his sexuality. It's not a hard thing to be confused about at times. I am constantly confused about my sexuality, about which sex I am attracted to, and about who I should talk about it with. If it wasn't such an embarrassing subject, things would be so much easier. I would give your friend some time. Even if he is gay, he's not ready to acknowledge it so for the time being you might as well just consider him straight. But keep an open ear in case he ever does want to talk about it.

[jamesy1234]

Yes, I think so.

 

i believe he is gay, but unable to admit it. So I will leave it, until he wants to talk.

[jamesy1234]

but what should i do when he wants me to touch him, when we are alone, in the same bed, and i know to wants me to touch him and be a companion, b/c i want to as well - do i say no - you better tell me why should I, what should i do, when i have strong feeling for this guy, and he knows it ???

[djgreen_uk]

assume he is bisexual and continue with your life until he comes clean. After all he is your friends and friends are supposed to stick together no matter what.

 

The chance is that he doesn't want to loose you as a friend by coming clean, but he will be surprised at what a big burden it is off your sholders once it's out in the open.

[jamesy1234]

i dont believe he will ever come clean. I do believe he is gay ? He likes girls as company, but when it comes to sex and touching, it is not a turn on to him.

 

I do have feelings for him, and I guess he does for me, as we can blicker just like anybody in a relationship, and then straight away be friends

 

He is a jackal and hyde person. He wants to have a normal life, yet can he ? At times I just want away from him.

 

I just don't know. !! We have to go away together and I know that he wants some company. But I too want a normal life - what do I do ?

[cheer_up]

to be honest if he likes you to touch him and its happened more than a few times then i think he is gay. the most important thing is that you cant rush him into coming out. I'd ask him why he keeps doing this. And ask if he just wants to talk for a while. I can't really offer anymore help than support him in whatever he chooses to do as long as its not making you do something you dont want to do.

[jamesy1234]

He confuses me so much, at times I wish I could free myself of him, as he will not acknowledge the situation, but everytime I do he keeps coming back. Even if I said go away in very clear language he would not.

 

I keep asking is he or is he not, and I have listed 20 things that says he his, and 6 that says he is not. He knows how I feel, and he knows that I think he is,gay yet he still hangs out with me and wants to be my friend.

 

If he was so straight as he says would be let a gay guy massage and touch him ????? Surely no staight would let that happen or would they ???

[darkaubrey]

I have a friend who is the same way. Well, he has never done anything sexual, but he has kissed me a few times. All i can tell you is to wait for him to come out, there is no way to make him just come out and say that he is gay. But if he has let you touch him, and if it has happened more than once, he is surely gay, or bisexual.

[jamesy1234]

yes, it has happened loads of time. But he still says he is straight.

 

I think as most people have said, I need to leave it until he comes clean. His choice. He doesnt have to come out to the whole world, but should at least say to me, cause I know or think I know any way !!!

[jamesy1234]

I'm still waiting to see if he is. I can't be bothered with him at times as he drives me mental, but I know I have feelings for him. Recently to has got back together with an old girl friend. But I think it is a front. What do you make of a guy who says he does not like the thought of sex with a girl ???

Flirts with the girls, but when it comes to doing the business, nothing works, what is this all about ???

[noone]

Hi Jamsie,

 

Your friend is probably avoiding admitting to himself that he is gay.

 

I think it is a safe bet that he is gay however, especially if he is letting you touch him.

 

If you seriously want to be with him in a relationship, you probably need to give him time to admit to himself that it is OK to be open with you about his sexuality.

 

If he lets you be intimate with him but wont admit to you that he is gay, just let it be and enjoy the intimate moments and play the game when he wants to deny his sexuality.

 

Eventually when he realises that his sexuality can't be hidden any longer, you will probably be the first person he opens up to, and he will be very grateful to have you to confide in.

[carlogiovanni]

Hi James.

 

I've been reading this thread and I have some advice to offer.

 

It's amazing how much of a similar situation I've been in, I hope that you still check this thread since your last post in April, I still think it's worth posting in case anybody else can gain anything from it.

 

noone's advice, to "enjoy the intimate moments and play the game when he wants to deny his sexuality" is not advice that I would personally recommend, but I want to make it clear that I'm not discounting that advice, or discrediting noone at all.

 

If you stay in the situation you're in, your feelings are going to destroy you from the inside out. On the surface of things, you can pretend that carrying on with this "secret" companionship seems appealing, and you can think that everything is fine, that it's only a matter of time until your friend realises that he can't stay in the closet and that he wants you, but it just won't happen under these circumstances. It's obvious that you want to be there for him, and that you can't understand why he doesn't confide in you about it. It's not that he is worried you will tell anyone, that he doesn't trust you, it's the simple fact that it's easier for him this way.

 

He will continue to let you touch him, when it suits him. It's clear that you want more from him, but you won't get it like this. I'm assuming that you're already feeling trapped in the situation, you've said that you sometimes feel like you want rid of him, and these feelings will only grow, you will only build up this relationship in your head and it's only a matter of time before you really do get hurt. It's such a demeaning feeling, to feel like you are owed an explanation, that it's so unfair, that all you want is for him to talk to you, but if you continue to keep this a "secret" activity, then that's how it will stay in his mind.

 

As he's getting away with getting these things from you, without feeling that he should discuss it with you, he's treating you like an idiot. I know that it's tremendously difficult to come out, to accept that you may be gay or bisexual, but I hate the fact that some people feel that they have a right to treat their friends or others unfairly, that they have some sort of "get out of jail free card", purely because they can't accept facing what their feelings and actions mean, at the cost of other's feelings.

 

The best thing you can do, in my opinion, is make a decision now about what you want in the future, because if you keep going on like you are now then it's just all going to go downhill, and you may eventually lose your friend all together.

 

- Stop the touching, don't explain it, don't worry about how your friend might feel about it, just stop it.

- Make the decision that you want to be his friend, you want to support him, but keep him as a friend. Keep yourself open to him in case he ever wants to talk, but try and hold your feelings back for the sake of your feelings.

- If he starts acting strangely, kind of a "what happened" reaction, then don't acknowledge it directly, he never discussed it with you, he will work it out by himself, and hopefully, as time goes on, he will be forced to look at himself and work out what he needs to do. He might never do this.

-If you find it too hard to be around him and just be friends, then the only other option is to get away from him entirely. Some say that many people don't realise what they've got until it's gone, and this may also trigger him to think about what he's letting happen. But please don't see time apart as some sort of lesson to him, or an investment in the hopes that he will turn around and say he's sorry. He may not. You need to face that fact that you will probably never be together, that he needs to sort himself out before he even thinks about getting in a relationship with a man. I know it sounds harsh, but you need to focus your energy on yourself, on doing things you want to do and making yourself happy without him.

 

I know these aren't the answers you want to hear, but I'm afraid you're in a very painful situation as it is and the only thing you should be thinking about is your feelings, and helping your friend, indirectly, to face his sexuality. There isn't a magic wand that will make your friend wake up one day and say "That's it, I'm gay, and I want to be with James."

 

It's hard, it hurts, but it is my advice, from being in an almost identical situation. It's taken me a while, but I am feeling better. Hope you do okay...

 

Carl.x

[night_whisper]

Hey James... I've been reading this thread with interest. Of all the advice I have seen, Carl's was absolutely right on the money. As much as you wish something could develope between you and your friend, you need to give him the space to come to you when and if he is ready. I know this is a terribly hard thing to do. If you want to be the friend I believe you are, you must step back and give your friend the support and acceptance he needs. Don't pressure him. Coming to terms with your sexuality is a process; its not a simple A or B decision. Have faith, trust in the friendship and remember that old saying about the dove: "if you set it free and it returns..."

[jamesy1234]

Thanks for the replies on this topic.

 

I have left this situation for a while, and I'am not too bothered. Life goes on. My friend has changed his attitude and is more trying to be friendly. I dont know if this is because he wants some attention or is because he wants to be friends. I really do not care, as I'am fed up with his attitude. He makes remarks to me about me being gay or bi, but when I say sorry talking about yourself again, he does not respond. Before he would have replied with no-way.

 

Again, I 'am amazed that people who really do not know him, suspect he is gay. They say nothing to me about me, but when it comes to him they all say he is gay and hiding his feelings. How can they say this, if it is never a subject which I have ever discussed with them.

 

I will wait and see, but as I say the ball is in his court. I really dont want anything from him, except he comes clean.

 

Maybe this will never happen, but who knows.