I can't believe it feels worse now...please help!

[NYCwoman]

How is that possible? It's been one week since I left my boyfriend. And now it's not a matter of having been cheated on...it's about not understanding why he just won't confess and ask me back. I realize that sounds pathetic to anyone who's never had someone cheat on them...

I just don't understand...maybe I should have known better from the start. When I met him a year ago he had separated from his wife and I had no intention of dating him. But he actually pursued me in a pleasant way (as opposed to bugging me) and so I gave him a chance. I'm a very rationale person, so all the while I kept in mind that he was emotionally scarred from his pending divorce, so I followed his lead, letting him dictate our relationship. But somehow we moved very fast and in a matter of 6 months we had already taken vacations, met all each other's friends/coworkers, attended work functions together...and the whole time I was there for him every step of the way...listening and supporting him while he shared stories of his failed marriage...helping him with the sale of his house...taking care of little things so his day to day life wouldn't fall apart...and in turn he was wonderful and kind and said/did all the right things a boyfriend does. Two or three times we had had discussions about how fast things were moving...and each time i had backed off a little...and each time HE was the one who sped things up...we met with HIS friends more...we spent weekends with HIS friends more...we were attending dinners for HIS business functions...attending HIS friends' weddings...he would say repeatedly how "perfect" I was...beautiful, smart, grounded, funny, caring...i'm a VERY nurturing person by nature and LOVED taking care of him and our relationship...my father passed away a month ago and he was by my side the entire time at the wake and the funeral and around my family…

A few weeks ago, he asked for space again...and this time I got this DISGUSTING feeling in my stomach that something was up. So I did what I have never believed in...I snooped. And I found proof that he was definitely seeing someone else...if not physically, then definitely emotionally...I confronted him...he denied it, saying it was a "friend" and that we didn't have to know every single acquaintance and friend of each others...but we had gotten to a point in our relationship that we were entwined in each other's lives enough so that we talked about/to each others friends comfortably. So I knew something was up. A week later, after returning from a business trip, I snooped again. And still there was inappropriate communication going on. When I came home there were beautiful roses and even an early (3 days early) birthday gift of diamonds...and I knew in my gut it was probably an act of guilt. So I told him I wouldn't stand for it and that I wanted out. THAT WAS SO HARD. But I didn't want to be in a relationship where I couldn't trust my partner...it was KILLING ME. Again, he denied it stating we were perfect together...BUT he did say that he had "hung out" with this woman a couple of times but she was nothing...but the point is there was SOMETHING. He said he didn't want to lose me but he perhaps did want space...that he knew I had marriage in mind. Well OF COURSE I did! If you find someone and things are wonderful you naturally want more...but i had NEVER mentioned it to him...but he said I didn't need to b/c as perfect as i was it was something i "Deserved" and "should have" but he just didn't know if he could anytime soon. I responded that he was an idiot and that it wasn't about marriage right now...I felt that he had jumped from a marriage and then right in with me and it was not MY FAULT ALONE that our relationship had moved so fast...I said "if it looks like one and it smells like one...you ARE in a committed relationship" So I told him never to contact me b/c I needed to heal and get over him...he begged me not to do this...he just asked for some time and space...and I left him like that.

It's been a week...he's called a few times and emailed a few times...onys/nights he DOESN'T I make myself sick thinking whether he's with her. His communications seem SO natural as if he doesn't realize that I LEFT HIM FOR INFIDELITY...I hope his therapist can help him. HE says he truly misses me...god it KILLS me when he says that. Yet, he hasn't asked to SEE me...partly b/c he has said that the minute he lays eyes on me he gets weak...

I LOVE HIM. I MISS HIM. Do you know what I hope for? That he's not seeing her...that he's taking this time to really think...and he will come back to me with a clean slate...b/c as much as I thought I never could...I CAN take him back. I WANT HIM back. I don't know if I believe in the once a cheater saying...I don't want to.

Have any of you ever taken someone back? And how did that work out?

I can't eat...I can't sleep...I really need some advice...my friends are wonderful but because they love me naturally they tell me to forget about him and move on. But that is ultimately up to me and I would like to think that I can give him a second chance. But because he hasn't technically asked to have me back it just makes me wonder if he's been with her lately…

[hurtabandoned]

I'm sorry for what you are going through right now. My husband cheated on me. The thing that I found most difficult in the beginning was dealing with the lies. I didn't understand either why my husband didn't tell me the truth. He knew that I was aware of the lies but he kept covering as long as he could.

 

It's possible to heal a relationship after infidelity but it takes alot of work on both sides. Both people have to be willing to give it their all. I decided to stay with my husband and we are doing well. His affair took place from March till June (I found out in May).

 

There is hope if he wants to work this out too. Not all people that cheat repeat their mistakes. He has to be willing to be honest with you though. It won't work if he's still hiding things. If you are wondering about what is going on it's okay to ask him. I asked questions of my husband in person, I could more easily tell if he was lying.

 

Feel free to PM me.

[lisaria]

Hi NYCwoman,

I couldn't believe how alike our stories are. Long story in a nutshell: super charming, came on strong, swore he was committed to me, started acting funny, I read his email, found out he cheated, angry fight, later he swore he wanted to be with me, cheated again, I couldn't handle it. It was over, but I still emailed him a few times, finally apologised (geesh) for the things I had done wrong and finally nothing. He never accepted the responsibility for his wrongs.

 

It's awful when someone does this, I had never had someone so blatently dishonest in my life before and it did quite a number on me. My emotions are really screwed up and it's been six months tomorrow. I lost twenty pounds, couldn't sleep, my stomach constantly felt like I had just been punched in it. I was there for him during the worst year of his life, his divorce, his brother's death, his son's illness, and all the other little things that made it really stressful for him. But I stood by him despite all the headgames and lying. Of course, I didn't realize that's what it was at the time. He even did the therapy thing and still lied and cheated. Meanwhile I was praying and hoping he was doing the right thing and that he was going to come back and things would be like they were before. But there is no way it will ever be the way it was before. Not anymore.

 

If you guys are not seeing each other then maybe you should consider the no contact rule. It is for you, not for him. Of course you want him to come back and you hope he's not cheating, but it sounds to me like he is laying a line of crap on you. If you love someone you don't cheat on them, you want to be with them. What does he mean he will be weak if he sees you? Is that a bad thing? Why is he still contacting you? And he says he doesn't want to see you? What is up with that? I'm sorry, it's cruel. Nothing but plain meanness, whether he knows he's doing it or not. You are left hanging on and everytime he emails or calls your heart does a little flip flop and you expect something he cannot give you now. You need to stop that. Take control and cut him loose. You have to concentrate on you. You already told him to stop contacting you and he is not respecting your wishes. Perhaps he knows that you still want him in your life and that's fine with him. It's always good to have someone on the side if things don't work out with the new one.

 

I'm sorry NYC, I know how very, very painful this is and I hope that you will feel better soon. It will take a long time but you will eventually get over this jerk and life will be good again. It's hard to see that tonite, but it will happen.

[lisaria]

Hey NYCwoman,

I am so sorry about your father and his grandfather.

But please....Don't start questioning yourself. You know what your gut feelings are. Trust them. They are so good at making you doubt yourself. That's how they can get away with it. I know that you want so bad to be wrong, that he really hasn't done anything, but your intuition will not lie. If there were nothing wrong then you wouldn't be up here.

He's acting like there is nothing wrong and your world has fallen apart. What is wrong with him that he can't see or understand how bad he has hurt you? Does he think that if he acts like nothing is wrong that that will make it all right? It just doesn't work like that. Has he even apologised? I'm still waiting for mine, and it's been six months. Will he ever? Who knows? Probably not. But you still have to go on. You can't wait for it because it may never come. And if it does, will you still feel the same? Take some time off of this relationship. Step back. Do the no contact for at least a month. You have to get your head back on straight and past the huge open wound that is your soul right now. Do it for you.

I'm really sorry you have to deal with this. I hope you feel better soon. Just remember that you are not alone and we are here for you.

lisa

[sunnyp]

You were used. You were his mama, friend, support, bed partner, now your not. He used you to get over the pain he caused himself. By the way have you ever thought about asking his ex wife her side? I will bet you'll get a better picture of why she and he divorced. I talked with my husbands ex. She told me she never wanted a divorce. They were married over 30 years. I am the reason why they divorced. It doesn't feel good at all to know I played a part in it.

I say get rid of the guy. Find a man who is not married or going though a divorce.

Sunny

[NYCwoman]

that's horrible to know you had a hand in breaking up a marriage. I honoestly don't even want to get into the talking to his ex-wife thing...he had said that SHE was the cause...but I think it takes two...but then again...he has SERIOUS issues. I do feel used...it's a horrible feeling...

 

I have a better idea of what kind of person he is...I used to HATE it when people told me "time heals" but it's true...it's been like 10 days now and I feel amazingly better (not 100% by any means) and actually feel sorry for HIM...

 

Thanks for your support...everyone...I will continue to post...gosh, I'm so glad I found you guys...

[hurtabandoned]

I hate to hear that you're in so much pain. Finding out the truth really hurts. But now you know and you can begin to move on. I know that at times you may not think so but you will survive this. Just take it day by day or hour by hour even.

 

I'm proud of you and you should be proud of yourself too. Standing up for yourself like that was really brave. I'm sure that was very hard for you to do. Continue to take care of yourself and remember that we are here when you need us.

[WOC]

NYCwoman you are so strong maybe stronger then you give yourself credit for. No one wants to feel the way that you had been feeling. I admire the courage you had to find your head in the middle of your conversation where your heart was also tugging hard at you. But , you listened to your head and not your heart. Sometime I feel that if I listen to my heart I would make a big mistake in my life then again if I listen to my head it is going to hurt like h*ll and I will have to deal with all those painful feelings. The differnce is that the feelings will get easier to deal with where as if you may of followed your heart you may of been hurt even more. Take Care and Be good to you.

WOC

[NYCwoman]

I just got up from sleeping...got home from work at 6 (couldn't stay there anymore) and just went straight to bed...it's 11 now...I've been throwing myself into work SO HARD to try and get through my days that I reached a point today where I just had to pick myself up and go home. When I left work I knew that it was exactly what I was going to do...i'm not doing well...

 

The last time I spoke with my BF was Thursday night...where I ended it FINALLY and I haven't heard from him. That hurts. Although I told him I didn't want to to hear from him unless he had something good to say...it still hurts. I told him i'd leave his stuff with my doorman...he still hasn't come to get it...and in a way I don't want him too, because that would really mean it's over...is that sick or what? I know more than anything I can't be with him, but more than anything, I want to be with him...

 

I'm losing weight like mad and now i'm resorting to sleeping earlier because it just makes the next day come faster...I feel like i'm spinning out of control slowly...I cry about the smallest things...i'm a mess. I'm so depressed...I love him still and miss him even more...I think i'm getting to the point where I feel like I know what depression tastes like...

[cougar44]

I have been the depression route and the first thing I recommend is to see your doctor and possibly get some medication coupled with counseling. I have been on various meds over the last few years and it does help. It may get you through this and you don't have to take anything on a permanent basis.

 

You have also been an inspiration to me. I too have been cheated on, but I have dealt with the lies for 19 years of marriage. I have come to understand why some women who are physically abused cannot cut the ties that everyone else sees are strangling them. Emotional abuse is painful too. You love someone and you want to believe that when they say something will never happen again they really mean it. I started dealing with just lying itself (mostly related to hiding financial statements, putting false entries in the check register, having a secret post office box where mail comes that I shouldn't see) and then after about 4 years of marriage, someone comes along who has never caught him in lies and so thinks he is wonderful.

 

He has been off and on with her for all these years, mostly emotional rather than physical, although that occurred many years back. He secretly took her into his business as a partner and paid her cash to hide the transactions from me. Even my daughters have seen emails between them when he left his email open.

 

I know that I have to walk away, but it is not easy when you own a house together and have a tremendous amount of debt, much accumulated behind my back. I wish I would have ended things many years ago when I first found out about her...but, and this is sick, I STILL am waiting for him to say, "I really love you and want to spend the rest of my life with you...please don't leave me"...and I know he will never say it.

 

I cannot afford counseling with the last child just starting college...so maybe people like NYC woman will be the inspiration I need.

[NYCwoman]

It's still so hard...it's been a month since I left him for cheating...the first Sunday after that day was so horrible I hated myself and the world and thought I'd never survive...it's three Sundays later and I'm here I'm 10 times better...but when you're starting from less than nothing, it's not much, and i'm still here sick and sad and missing him. Last night was the night that I was supposed to meet his parents. So I don't understand why he would plan a dinner like that and cheat on me? I can't help but think if I hadn't confronted him he would have just stopped talking to these other women...that maybe because I left him he went and took his relationships to a physical level and now I'll never get him back? But then my head overtakes my heart and I tell myself that's ridiculous, that I did the best thing and i'm better for it. But then why do I miss him so much? It's a dull aching that won't go away...then I think did he take one of these other girls to the dinner? But I know he wouldn't because it took him so long to open up to me, there's no way...but then again I didn't think of him as a cheater and I was wrong huh?

 

I called him a few days ago to remind him to take his clothes, etc. from my place. They've been with my doorman for two weeks now, he knows that...they're quite expensive clothes...business wear which I know he needs so I can't imagine he doesn't care about them. He just responded "okay" and he sounded so sad. But why is he donig this then? He was so selfish in his acts when he cheated on me and again he's being selfish. If he took his stuff at least i'd have closure...but he doesn't want to give me that either...i'm so sad...