what should i do?

[radiotone]

im sure that all my stupid posts on this website makes no sense and you really cant put sense into what im in right now. so i give up. i just want to sort out everything right now and i just want to move on with something..

 

i know everyone in this place are kind-hearted people who care about other people's problems. so i apologize for this being lengthy.

 

ive been with someone i met online for a year now. we've met numerous times and i've slept over her house and everything. we were friends at first and then we just fell for eachother. it kinda happened fast too. and im not sure what to make of things. but i feel like i love her. i do. she's practically everything i ever want.. except for one thing. she's 4 hours away and she has a temper. but everything else just makes up for that. she's honest. she's kind (when she's not mad). she wants a good life and she believes in staying together. i do too. but i just dont know anymore. it could be so many things. it could be that i feel guilty. because i have low self esteem.

what do i feel guilty about?

 

in the first couple of months when we were a couple, she found out i talk to this young girl from the town over. she's not young, she's only 15 and im 18. my girlfriend's 18 too. and she got jealous and told me to either stop talking to her or she'll leave me. because this girl i was talking to, thought of me as her best friend. (but to be honest, she's just naive and she's lonely) but she is a good friend. and i had to decide right then and there to either stop talking to her online or break up.

 

and being the polite kind stupid person that i am, i told her i'd stop. but i didn't. cause i couldnt' do that to someone. of course, my girlfriend finds out. and she gets mad and she gets hysterical. and i tell her my reasons. she takes me back and now my friend knows about us. (i think my friend had a crush on me and stuff). but i had no interest like that for her at all. we were just friends who talked and stuff.

 

so now i broke my girlfriend's trust and it takes awhile for us to get back to normal. the thing is though, im still talking to my friend. and my girlfriend doesn't know. my girlfriend also feels guilty for making me choose and how she shouldn't have done that. she justs wants me to be honest. and i feel incrediably guilty. i dont know what to do. i tried breaking off contact with my friend, but she's just a good friend. and me and my girlfriend have problems. she's always getting these tempers and lashes out at me at stupid things. and i do the same thing. and we're both paranoid about eachother with other people. mostly me. because im doing something thats breaking her trust.

 

and to top all THAT up, my ex-girlfriend calls me up out of nowhere. she lives in minnesota which is reeally far away. but we also met online and we were a couple for a few months. she visited me during christmas 2 years ago and we just stopped talking. well, she stopped talking to me. and i dont know why. and i havent talked to her since until today. i had a hard time getting over her because she was my first girlfriend.

 

now, im at a standpoint where i can go in different directions. and i dont know how i feel. all i feel is just guilty, and bad and depressed and confused.

 

i love my girlfriend. we've been through a lot but we get into fights so easily. she admits sometimes that she doesnt have hope for our relationship because of our fights. but she stays with me because she MIGHT be wrong. i dont know. i love her. i loved being with her. it was fun and so relaxing. she knows a lot about me and she knows how i am. i know her too. its just i feel like sometimes we'd be a lot better not being together. but she's trustworthy. she doesnt do anything that i dont like. she's fun. she is who i want to be. and she's passionate about being successful. though the problem is, im too freakin' lazy to do anything about my future, which makes her mad.

 

my friend is a good friend. we have cool talks and we do know somewhat of eachother. but i feel im just a person who connects to her now. she still has high school for her and she's going to meet different people. i look at her as naive and she doesnt know anything really about feelings. so i have no intrest in her at all. i just want us to be friends.

 

my ex-girlfriend is definitely a different person. we've known eachother for a couple of years technically but we didn't talk at all during a large amount of that. she lives far away and she's 20. we have things in common and she's always interesting to me. she loves to talk about everything. (weird how my girlfriend is not talkactive at all). my girlfriend thinks i hate my ex when really, i don't at all. she also doesnt know that im talking to her. i know i know, im a bad person. so dont remind me. i have to be trustworthy. but my ex is really something. i find myself thinking about what we had. but then, i think - we really had nothing in terms of a relationship. we just had that one night where she visited. i dont know how i feel about her. but she still likes me and likes to talk to me. and as it turns out, she has ovarian cancer.. i dont know what to say about that.

 

if i had a choice of running away with my girlfriend to never see my ex or my friend again. i would take it. even though i dont care how i would feel afterwards. all i know is, is that im becoming something i hate. a dishonest person. i dont want to hurt my girlfriend. she doesnt deserve me. she works hard, she doesnt derserve me at all. which explains my low self esteem. if i told her everything, she'd leave me right then and there.

 

i really dont know what to do. everyone i know is far away from me. they're the only friends i have. i know, "go out and meet different people". i definitely dont work well with people i dont know in person. i get intimidated and im really shy and insecure. i dont even know who i am sometimes. because i act differently in some ways whenever im talking to my girlfriend, then act differently with my ex and differently with my friend.

 

someone please give me some insight.

i have to make a choice. i have to move on.

 

thank you for taking your time to read this.

 

-eric

[hopelesslee]

I don't think that you were dishonest at all...your girlfriend does not have a right to tell you you can't be friends with people...because you obviously like her or else why would you be dating her? I think you need to discuss this with her: tell her that she has no reason to be jealous and that you consider your friend exactly that and no more. Talking to your ex-girlfriend isn't a huge problem either...your girlfriend shouldn't have this much control over what you do, and you need to talk to her about these problems she's having with getting angry and excessively jealous. This is up to you, but I think that if your girlfriend can't understand that you have friends who are girls too, and makes you upset because she gets mad at you a lot, then you should try to move on. If you think that you can have a rational discussion about all this with her, then keep dating her. Hope everything works out...

~leigh~