preasure to spank

[theghost]

Hey, I raise by parents that spank, and I guess it worked out well for me.

 

 

So my whole family, just the the old generation adults, they believe I should spank david (david is a 7 year old boy). He is not a bad kid at all, but he sometimes gets on my nerves, hopefully parents will know what I mean.

 

He does kid things, like when he plays he sometimes drops a flower base or some kind of object from a table, like a cup or even breaks them, and sometimes he crys at the clinic, or when we go out to eat with my parents and he wines because he doen't want to eat something...

 

All these reasons are why my parents, uncles, aunts, want me to teach him a lesson by hiting him. I was raise with pain, and I don't want to raise this kid like that, the spaking my parents gave me for any little thing I did hurt of course, and my relationship between my parents its not strong at all. I want this kid to come and talk to me when he has a problem, like friend or something, and maybey near the future we can talk about girls and sex, and guy stuff.

 

Mainly my dad is the is the one with the spanking, maybey thats why our relationship is unrepairable, when he hit david a few months ago I wanted to hit him back so badly, we just had an argument.

 

Just to make it clear, this kid is not my kid, I just taking care of him for a couple of years, his mom is studing at a uni a few states away, and she doen't have money. But I treat this kid as my own.

 

I don't know if everyone is having the same problem where you are preasure to spank a child.

 

Thanks to everyone that replies.

[JonnyG]

I think it should be up to the parents what they do. I don't think u should as he is not your son.

 

I was spanked when I was bad, and it did me no harm. I think it was a valuable lesson as to the wrongs and rights of life. Nowadays kids are wrapped in cotton wool, and im not sure if thats going to help them in the future.

 

In my opinion if my kid was bad, a little spank would be a useful punishment. It does no real physical harm, and mentally helps the child to learn and differentiate between right and wrong thereforeeee aiding the learning process. I think I should have the right to spank my child when I see fit, but I would have to come to that agreement with my wife. And I only believe that myself and my wife should be allowed to do it as its our child.

 

However nowadays, many parents are probably worried about the consequences of spanking their child as the law really is an "a**" these days.

[ComputerGuy]

I'm with Johnny, cause it'd not ur son, you shouldn't smack him. However as far as the topic of smacking is concerned, it was how I was brought up and I don't do drugs or get into crime, I have good morals and good values and learnt early on to differentiate between right and wrong. It does no harm, but the screwed up laws on it at the moment are causing the same problems here in Australia.

[SilenThunder]

Call me a little extreme but I believe in some situations kids deserve beatings... I don't mean mouthing off, I mean the kids that are stealing their parents cars at night to go out and get a fix... They need to be taught.... I think it would make a difference.

 

But on the spanking issue, i was raised with spanking as well... I'm not close to my parents either but I don't think that has anything to do with spanking.

 

If you want the kid to be close to you, just be open with him... accept his ideas and some of his decisions and just guide him gently in a good direction... I don't get along with my parents because they don't accept some of my beliefs, they force things on me...

 

You need to be on their level, I have a good relationship with my friends mom because she listens to whatever i have to say and encourages things I would like to try...

 

An example would be dieing m y hair... My parents at the thought, get mad and say no, you'll never do that... My moms friend just says try it and if it doesn't work, then get rid of it.. it's that simple..

 

Spanking makes you think twice about what you've done and i believe it works... As well as kids being raised without television but yeah different topic.

 

I hope some of that my have helped... it's kind of jumbled up!

 

Best Wishes, you sound like a good parents

[hurtabandoned]

I would say stick to your grounds. First of all, this isn't your child you shouldn't spank him and your father shouldn't either. Secondly, this child is 7 years old, there are other ways of dealing with it. What he is doing is normal kid stuff.

 

Everybody has an opinion and mine is this. (I'm a parent by the way) It is just too easy to strike a child out of anger and cause damage. It happens all the time. And of course the parents/caregivers don't mean for it to turn out that way. Things just get out of hand. By taking up the policy of not hitting you eliminate that possibility. I'm not saying that everybody that spanks can get out of hand, but some do.

 

I don't believe that spanking really helps. A friend of mine has a child 1 year older than mine (mine is 3) and she spanks. This child is aggressive and wild. Mine is not and she is calm most of the time.

 

A child of 7 can be dealt with differently. No Tv, taking favorite things away for a while, restricting privileges. Talking to him when things are calm can work too.

 

I think that a child can learn right from wrong without having to feel pain. Also, in the adult world we don't teach each other lessons by hitting people. If we do we go to jail.

 

Old habits die hard. Just because it's been done in the past doesn't make it right. Be strong and stand true to what you believe. They will get over it. I am a non spanker and my husband is not. I will not allow anyone, including my husband, to spank our child. We did argue about it, but I stood firm. Our daughter is mindful and well behaved because she wants to please us, not because she's afraid of us.

 

P.S.- I was spanked as a child also. It didn't help me a bit.

[theghost]

thanks, but how can I confront my parents? what should I tell when I see them? its not like they bug me on it all the time, just when the kid gets out of hand.

 

This is some really good input, thanks for all of you for replying.

[Scout]

Hey Ghost - I think when kids are that young, one of the best forms of discipline is "time out." They need to learn that when they are behaving in an unacceptable way, they will be ignored. So, he needs to go to his room to think about what he's done. No toys, no playing. (Don't lock him up in a closet or anything, though! )

 

Any parents out there that employ the time out tactic? Maybe you could elaborate on it a bit more for Ghost. I'm childless so don't really know the details.

[hurtabandoned]

The best way to get your relatives to not preasure you anymore on this would be to sit them down and talk to them before a situation arose where they would make that suggestion. I'd make sure that you did it in a way that would not hurt their feelings.

 

Trying to change their viewpoint on spanking probably won't work. So trying to convince them that it's wrong would be like talking to a brick wall. I would just tell them that spanking is not something you feel comfortable with and you would rather handle it differently. Blame it on the legalities of it if that helps to back them off.

 

Let them know what kind of discipline that you want to use and that you want everyone that disciplines him to use the same plan.

 

Time out works well for some as Scout said. The child sits somewhere quiet without distractions for a time. The time a child has to sit should be no more than one minute for every year of age. If they get down after the time out and are still misbehaving then they get to sit again.

 

Hope that helps.

[honeyspur]

I really think spanking is just the parent being unable to control themselves. I wasn't spanked for long - just to age 5. But I really learned to fear my parents - I'm not sure any parent wants that result.

Stick to your guns. If everyone else is spanking this kid - you don't need to add fuel to the fire.

I know pressure from family is hard, but you might want to lay down the law with them and say it's a personal choice. Try the time out thing - that works and usually only takes two or three times before you see the child's behavior change.

Follow your instincts. Let everyone else stay in the Dark Ages.

[confused74]

Kids should have alot attention before they reach 7 years old as they

mature at that age. If you keep spanking them then they might run away.

You should do more talking then actions. Talking to them is more fun.

Play with your kids and let them learn. Spanking is good but not everyday.

If a parent doesn't spank their kids...umm I guess the kid will just keep repeating. I believe that they would change. It depends on how well mother and child will bond with each other too.

[yeawutever]

hurtandabandoned, I compeltely agree on that one, kids can distinguish right from wrong w/out having to spank them.

[yeawutever]

I never want to spank when I have kids.

[yeawutever]

The main reason I think it's not that of a good idea is cuz most of the times the parents don't speak in a calm and civil manner when spanking their kids, instead they tend to scream and yell along with spanking and they're like "Do that again, u'll see" or "Don't ever do that again (another spank), and that's wut I hate the most. Got that issue with my 3 year old bro, he's not a bad kid at all, but it's that once in a while, mom heck isn't clam when administering, in fact she overeacts, hate that.

[traz]

I'll be honest, if this was your kid, I'd think about the answer a little more.

 

But since its not your kid...no, do not spank him. If my step-mom ever spanked me when i was little, it would NOT have left a good impression.

[Willow_Moon]

I haven't read all the replies, but when my nephew lived with me.... as far as I was concerned, he was mine. Now I didn't spank him often, but he did get spanked... and now I have a daughter and I am sure she will also get spanked. This is how I personally deal with spankings...

 

First, I don't spank for every little thing... spanking is reserved for major infractions. Secondly, I never spank while I am mad - I would say to my nephew, go to your room, I will be there in a minute. Third, I always said to my nephew, before the spanking began, you are going to get three swats... now for any parent who spanks, you know what it is like when the kid starts hopping' around and covering their bottom with their hands... so part of my rule is that they have to put their hands on the bed, and if they remove them then they get an extra swat. This assures that when my nephew was spanked, he was spanked on his bottom rather than me accidentally spanking a more vulnerable part of his body. I personally never spanked his naked bottom and doubt I will do that to my daughter, I think that is a form of humiliation that need not be added to a spanking. Spanking also is only appropriate, IMHO, up to an age when a child has yet to comprehend cause and reaction... they are still too young to really fear anything but pain. My 8 month old daughter doesn't get time out and I can't exactly explain to her why I don't want her opening or reaching for X... but she understands the word NO! She understands that if I say NO!, and she doesn't back away... then next thing coming is NO! along with her hand being swatted. My house is baby proofed and I have the ability to remove her from situations, but what about when we go to someone else's house and things aren't set up just right for her... I need to be able to quickly get her attention if she is in danger, and be consistent... that sockets, covered or not are a NO! -

 

I know I am getting a bit off topic, but back to my nephew, when he was 4 or 5 he had done something to deserve a spanking... and he was particularly upset that he was about to get a spanking... I turned him around and said asked him if I had not warned him that he would get a spanking if he did X, and he acknowledged that I had. I asked him if he thought I was kidding when I warned him, and he said he did not think I was kidding. I asked him if he thought I spanked him, because I liked hurting him and he said he didn't think so. Then I explained to him, that it wasn't just kids who got in trouble, but grown-ups also got in trouble when we didn't follow the rules... no we didn't get spankings, but we had to pay fines, go to jail, lose things, etc. if we didn't follow the rules. Part of growing up was learning that if you don't follow the rules, then you get punished and part of being mature is accepting that punishment. He turned around put his hands on the bed, got his three swats, and didn't even cry... then turned around and apologized to me.

 

My nephew doesn't live with me anymore, but just a couple of days ago I attended his 10th birthday party and he came up to me and hugged me tight as ever, and he really does enjoy my company, but he also respects me as an authority figure and doesn't like disappointing me. I never talked down to him, ever... I always allowed him to address me with respect if he felt he needed to say something to me or he disagreed with me, I always let him know the rules and the consequences for not following the rules, but also the rewards for following them. Punishments were dealt with matter of factly, rather than emotionally... well except once, lol, when he had gotten into my powder for about the third time in a row, but this time he made it 'snow' in my bedroom... I was so mad! I swept up that powder and went and dumped it in his room... he freaked out completely and I told him that if I had to clean up my room, then he had to clean up his room too... he never got into my powder again.

 

But back on topic... the number one rule in the house was I say things once. If my nephew had started whining at dinner, then he was excused from the table... at the age of 7 if we were out to eat, I would park the car where you could see it from where you are sitting and that is where he would go while everyone else enjoyed their meal... of course only if the weather is not too hot or too cold. Going out to dinner is supposed to be enjoyable for everyone, and if his not behaving or if his whining excessively is ruining dinner for everyone else, then he should be removed from the table. If he starts whining at home, tell him you don't want to hear it... he can go to his room if he wants to whine. When he was ready to address you respectfully and maturely, then you would be ready to listen.

 

Another thing that really helped us anyway was we each had our own personal space... it happens we all three had desk with computers, so that became our space - we all understood that if we went to our space, then we were to be left alone... it was our private time. He would play his learning games or draw or whatever, but it seemed to help us all... when we were getting frustrated we went to our place, and if I could see he was getting upset or anxious, then I would suggest to him that maybe he needed to go cool off and he seemed to really enjoy having that space and time alone.

 

By the time a child is seven, I don't think spankings are really appropriate anymore, because they are old enough by then to understand consequences and by then you have other more appropriate leverage... such as loss of a privilege or toy for X amount of time. Do not budge on the consequences... the biggest thing this young man needs right now, especially with his mom so far away is a sense of security and part of that security is knowing what to expect. He is old enough to even discuss this with you and help come up with consequences... have him talk to you about your main concerns, and both of you decide what happens when he does X, then stick to it. I am not suggesting he co-parent himself, it is very important that you let him know you are the one in charge, but if he acts maturely you will listen to his thoughts concerning future consequences for whining or whatever X might be. In the end, you are the one who makes the final decision so make that clear to him.

[yeawutever]

Yea, 7 is old already, but then again, when one time I accidently went to this website where it talked about that, I read about this 15 yr old getting spanked so hard by her dad for marijuana and getting expelled from school. It says she got spanked very hard that she had bruises for several days on her bottom and upper part of her thighs.

[yeawutever]

Now that's abuse.

[yeawutever]

If you want the article I read, here it is, this is wut this girl on this e-mail say

link removed[/i]"]Liserobert14@link removed (posted on Nov. 6, 20030 say the following: I am a young woman of 22 and was frequently spanked with a belt as a child and in my early teens, and these spankings were always long, hard and painful. Thanks to my spankings, I'm now a responsible and happy young adult. I've always loved my parents. Spankings are an excellent deterrent for misbehavior: I almost never committed again an offense for which I was previously spanked. I was frequently restrained from doing certain things because I was afraid of the possible spanking that would result. When I was 15, I began to smoke marijuana and once, was foolish enough to do it with my best friend on a school trip. We were caught and of course expelled from school. Our parents knew he reason. That day I received the hardest and longest belt spanking of my life. It hurt like hell. When my father finished spanking me, my whole bottom and the upper part of my thighs were fiercely red and stingingly hot. Several hours later they were still red and that night, I had trouble falling asleep because of the intense heat that was still emanating from my bottom and legs because I couldn't find a comfortable position. I had bruises for several days that kept on reminding me my misbehavior Well, I can assure you that I NEVER took drugs anymore. On the other side, my fiend's parents took her marihuana smoking lightly and didn't punish her at all. Well, 4 years later, he died from a heroin overdose. So I am greatly THANKFUL to have had parents who loved me enough to stop me from self destruction. When I'll have children I will certainly spank them.

[cripplechild]

Og god, if there anything that would really make me mad is spankings, they go no good. People shouldn't even use the bible as a guide to spank. It's ur child ur trying to teach values, morals, and self-control and by doing that ur just losing control urself. Sorry if u all don't agree with this, but I'm against spanking, would never do this if I had a child one of these days. I would suggest time-outs or taking away privileges.

[sonjam]

I don't believe in spanking.

 

Rather try positive dicipline. The things you cited as things he does wrong, is NORMAL things kids do, and the don't do it to irritate you, it is mostly by accident (droping something) or because they are humans too, with needs and wants, and what is wrong with wanting something for yourself (I still feel whinny today when I can't have something I want)

 

I believe (and I was spanked alot growing up) that corporal punishment teaches kids that it is ok for adults to hit kids, and that violence is ok. I believe to this day that is the reason I ended up in 2 x abusive relationships when I was younger.

 

POSITIVE DICIPLINE works far better. The first thing you have to do is to put yourself in the child's shoes. If you look at stuff from their point of view, keeping in mind they are people too, with feelings, pride, wants and needs, you will see things in a different way.

 

Never ever act on anger. First cool off, and then decide what to do. POSITIVE time outs work great, explain to the child why he is being removed from the situation, and that when he feels better, he will be allowed to join again, and then it would be fun for all.

 

Always remember Dicipline is not to punish, it means to TEACH.

 

If you want you can chat about specific things he does that you don't know how to handle, and maybe we could help out with ideas on how to teach him better ways of dealing with his feelings?

 

I could write books on it, so talk, I would love to help!

[yeawutever]

Yea, I do't believe in them either, sometimes I even wonder that's why I get mood swings once in a while.

[tobeornot]

I would never spank a child, so stick to your guns. You know what it did to you. Hitting teaches to hit. It also teaches you to disrespect yourself. The need to hurt someone is in the person who wants to to do the hurting. If others push you, tell them you are doing things differently. You will respect the body of your child. Learn other ways to teach him. There are many. Get some books from the library, or talk to someone. Fear has nothing to do with love. Old habits are hard to break, so hang in there, and don't let them 'bully' you into hurting a defenseless person.

 

Good luck to you and your little one.