No Contact For Over Three Months

[melodymel]

Hello All

 

I have just joined the forum and this is my first posting.

 

My boyfriend split up with me in April of this year. needless to say I was gutted. He just decided that we were not right for each other and that he found relationships hard and wanted to be on his own. This was via text message.

 

I decided not to call him and instead sent him an email. We exchanged a few heated emails and he basically wrote that he did not want to hear from me and wanted to be left alone. And so I did!.

 

I was really hurt. I loved him so much and still do. But we have had absolutely no contact at all since then! I just went about sorting myself out and really enjoying myself. It wasn't easy at first but I managed.

 

When we split his mum was really upset. She liked me a lot and I liked her too. Infact , the very first week end we split I went to his mum's for the afternoon. We didn't discuss my ex at all. His parents are such lovely people. They said I was always welcome at their home anytime despite me and their son splitting up.

 

However I did not maintain any contact with them either. I just thought it would be too much for me to deal with. Until now. This past weekend I sent them a postcard. His mum rang me as soon as she got it. She was really pleased to hear from me and again said I was welcome at theirhome whenever I wanted to. Infact she invited me over this week end. I'm not sure if I should go. She is really keen to see me again. She asked if I was seeing anyone. i told her I wasn't (which is true). She then said she really regretted what happened between me and her son. I did not ask about the ex so I don not know if he is seeing anyone.

 

My dilemma is this. I feel that enough time has passed and want to contact my ex. Iwas thinking of a light and breezy email.. Maybe say sorry for the nasty email? Ask how he is doing? Suggest meeting up for a drink? Don't know.

 

What do you all think? I suspect something major happened to him that resulted in the break up. it was so out of the blue. I also suspect he swore his parents to secrecy to not divulge anything to me. In one of his emails he said something along the lines of "my mum will not tell you anything contrary to what I already have told you" So thats why I think there is somthing happeneing here.

 

So what do you guys think I should do. Should i email him? Should I take up his mum's invitation?

 

Thank you for reading this log mail.

 

Mel.

[craigblitz]

Hmmmm interesting situation to be in. Well in all that it was never clear that you want him back, but I assume since you are on the Getting Back Together board this is the case.

 

If you can handle your emotions and really want to see his mom then I say why not. You can never have too many friends and it sounds like she is a nice lady to have around. Keep in mind it is best not to talk about your ex to her at all for the simple fact it puts her in a horrible position. Also, realize that you might hear your ex has someone else, etc and better be prepared just in case.

 

As far as the email to him goes... again why not. If you are in a good place emotionally where you won't be hurt if he ignores it and etc fire on off. In m opinion I would not mention anything about the previous nasty email. Just say hi wanted to catch up. Hope all is well with you.

 

There ya go, not much help but an opinion to consider none the less.

 

Good Luck

[melodymel]

Thanks for the response Craig

 

Yes I do want him back. I have been agonising for quite a while about whether or not to get in touch with his parents. They are truly good people.

 

Its him that I am not so sure about. I do not want to appear desparate but on the other hand I do want to get in touch. I really have a strong suspicion that there was definitely something that happened fro him to behave in the way he did.

 

Actually when we first got together last September, by November he decided he needed time out and wanted space. Being rather naive at that time, I did the whole begging, pleading and constant calling thing. I was really distraught then. But after a few weeks I would only get in touch maybe once a week and I guess that was the trick because a couple of weeks before Xmas we were back together. I asked him what had made him change his mind and he said that at that moment he did not feel he could talk about it but with time he would tell me. I accaepted that and didn't ask again.

 

He is a divorced man with 10 year old twins from his ex wife. His kids live with their mother and from what I gathered from his mother, he had a really rough time of the whole marriage and divorce.I met his children at Xmas as well as the rest of the family as I spent Xmas with them. I met most of his friends at his work Xmas party and we made so many plans for the rest of the year.....then he goes and dumps me!! So out of character.

 

So my dilemma continues. Anymore opinions would be gratefully appreciated.

 

Mel.

[ggm]

You have done a very good job regarding NC!!

There is a post titled "Steps that really work to win back their heart". It give actual steps to take when breaking NC rule. It was originally posted about Jul 18 or so on this site. I think you would really benefit from it.

I am in a very similar situation and have decided to give 3-4 months NC and then apply the above steps to see how it goes.

Keep us posted as to what happens!!

[melodymel]

Just an update

 

Well I finally contacted the ex. I e-mailed him. Just a light e-mail asking how he was and hoping he had a good weekend.

He responded within three hours! He said it was really good to hear from me and hoped I was well. He also told me that he had been made redundant and that he had 4 interviews lined up for a new job. I was really shocked aboutthe job but really pleased to hear from him.

 

I waited two days before I responded (didn't want to seem too keen). I wished him well for the interviews and just said to be positive. Again, he responded within three hours. Said thanks for the best wishes and asked how I was getting on with my new car (which I got while we were still together). He said he looked forward to hearing more of my adventures with my new car.

 

Again, I waited two days before I responded. I sent another ligth and breezy email. That was on Wednesday (3 days ago) and I've not heard from him since!!

 

What is going on??

 

In both the emails he sent , he signed his name at the end and put an X, which i have been told means a kiss?

 

Do you think I should just wait and see if he responds or shall I write again ( honestly don't think I will). Maybe he just hasn't accessed his mail yet. I was beginning to be really hopeful about this and now I'm not so sure.

 

Any advice will be much appreciated.

 

Mel.

[a_little_sparrow]

Hello Mel,

 

First off I think it's a good idea to look at the bright side of your situation. Your ex responded to the first email, promptly, as you pointed out. And so you contacting him or him contacting you won't be nearly as big a deal now that there's been some contact.

 

Ideally, of course, he would pick up the ball at this point, and pursue you. And he still might. Yes, it's been three days, and in terms of email it's like an eternity. Maybe he didn't feel like there was anything to respond to in the last email you sent. There's really no telling. And it's probably best not to try and read too much into anything. Especially considering that he's currently interviewing, trying to get a new job. He's probably really stressed about things, and he might need time to put himself together.

 

With that, I think you're probably right not to email, and just give him some time. Time to get through his job search, etc.

 

In the meantime, I'd keep in mind that you waited over three months before reinitiating contact, and hopefully in that time you've found lots of things to keep you occupied and independent, able to let three days, a week, or three weeks pass like a breeze. If he contacts you at this point, great. If not, well you have plenty of practice being alone. Believe me, I know this is easier said than done, but it's at least something to try and keep in mind.

[melodymel]

Hi Sparrow

 

Thanks for your response.

 

After 3 months of NC one would think I could deal with 3 days of NC!! I just was starting to be really positive about it all and then nothing!

 

Maybe he is just waiting till he has something to e-mail me about. In the last e-mail I sent I tried to keep it open to response, but without giving away too much about how I am doing, it wasn't easy.

 

Well the ball is in his court now and I hope he does respond.

 

By the way if you put an X in an email, does it really mean a kiss. Or is it just me living inthe dark ages?

 

Mel

[tere]

my suggestion is that if you mail him, don't do it so often... I mean let a week or more before sending another. Too many mails in a week may seem pushy... on the other hand, it is a good thing he responded right away to the first two... so try not get things personal about the last one.

[cassiana]

You are in a vaguely similar situation to me. My boyfriend dumped me out of the blue on April 3rd. I have never broken NC since I walked out of that restaurant. I intend to break it in about 3weeks time.

I would say that even when a family loves you and thinks that you would be perfect for their son, that may work aGAINST YOU if they keep harping on about it. Play it cool withhim. Waiting 2 days was fine the first time but if you do it everytime it looks planned. Vary the timelapse. respond immediately one day, a week the next and apologise saying that you just didn't have the time. This will worry him, whar's she doing but don't tell. If you are quick to respond one day, it looks like you are not gameplaying and then the week lapse won't seem like a ploy.

Always have a plan B if he doesn't come back.

Good Luck.

[melodymel]

Thanks for the response Cassiana.

 

What happened with your boyfriend? Did you see it coming at all? My /f didn't even have the guts to tell me to my face. He just stopped callind and returnning my messages and when I finally pushed him, he told me via text that he wanted to be on his own!

 

I think I will do as you suggest. When he replies (I'm being positive on this) I will probably email back immediately and then like you say vary the time lapse between emails. I'm just confused as to why its taking him so long this time!! Well at least he did respond!

 

How have you been keeping yourself occupied during NC and how hard or easy has it been for you?

 

Mel.

[spun25]

melody,

i have a question for you, but i don't want you to think that i'm trying to be mean or anything, cause it may come off that way.

 

how come you want to get back with someone who as you said, didn't even have the guts to break up with you the face to face? he sent you a text message stating his feelings for you after you pushed him to do it.

i don't want to pre-judge him or anything, because how he broke up with you may not be an accurate judgement of his character. but that's just classless if you ask me.

 

the thing is, my ex-gf broke up with me via email, which i (and everyone else) thought was just cowardly. she even admitted that it was the wrong way to go about doing it and apologized for that. she was just afraid that i would have gotten too confrontational. but i didn't.

 

regardless of his reasons for breaking up with you this way, you want to get back together with him. he's got to be an awesome guy if you're willing to look past his previous faults. and kudos to you for being forgiving...that's a trait that i wish more people had.

but i believe that the way you're going about doing it isn't the best way. if you honestly care about him and you believe that he cares about you...then just be honest about it. just tell him that you miss him and that you think getting back together may be a good idea. if he goes for it, then that's awesome. but if he doesn't, and just wants to be friends, then that's actually a good thing too. this email charade that you're playing is very childish and may work against you. and even if you get back with him, you may find yourself unable to trust him on his feelings for you.

 

you see, i don't think that you have closure right now. you're holding the door open for him (which isn't bad or anything), but you're waiting idley by it. have you really given yourself a chance to move on? and to date others or at least hang out with other guys? cause if you haven't, then all of this no contact meant nothing.

 

the point of no contact is not to get back with your ex (although some people use it as a tool to get back with their ex's) but it's to give yourself time to heal and get back on your feet.

 

i hope you don't take all of this the wrong way, i'm not trying to rain on your parade or anything. if you believe that this guy is 'the one', then by all means, do everything in your power to get him back. but you won't be happy with anyone, unless you're happy with yourself first.

 

-Spun25

[a_little_sparrow]

I have two things to say about spun's response. First off, I don't think that Mel's way of getting back into contact with her ex is childish. I think the emotions that come into play for the ex are difficult and we all want to know how to deal with them, and to give the ex that space to make a decision that might be in our favor.

 

But I think that spun makes a really good point about the closure and what nc is for. I can say that I went for like 7 weeks dealing with this constant hope that the ex was going to come back. I even told myself at one point that I had pushed myself to a point of admitting she didn't need to come back, I would still be OK. I was lying to myself. Three weeks ago I was out with some mutual friends and she was there, and she made it very clear she wasn't interested in getting back together. And now the heavy duty depression has been kicking in. I feel as though I'm really able to mourn her loss. And there has been some amazing advice I'd read on this board that I'm finally starting to heed. I'm putting myself out there, ready to meet anyone any time. Not that I'm ready to date anyone seriously, but I'm ready to meet someone for light dating, or just to get to know and learn from more human beings.

 

I may be wandering from Melody's topic. What I'm trying to say is that I sincerely hope that her nc hasn't only been for the sake of getting the ex back. I don't think any of us can be sure of that from what she's said. But I would definitely advise that the nc is REALLY used to root out every last feeling tied to the previous relationship. Of course, none of us will quit loving the ex, love is so strange and mysterious that it can't just leave. But our need for that ex's love CAN be rooted out. And that's what nc should be doing.

 

Hope this helps.

[spun25]

i see what you're saying Sparrow...and i'm sorry if i offended anyone by calling that type of sporadic emailing childish. i didn't mean for it to be preceived that way. maybe i should have used another word for it.

but just to get the point accross, it's true that different people handle things a different way. but from what information was given to us, i stated my opinion. there may be way more to this ordeal for Melody than what she decided to write. and if there is, and if you have a feesible reason for the emails, then i sincerely apologize to you Melody.

 

-Spun25