Help..should I continue with no committment

[Lana]

I am single and in my forties.I finally found a man I enjoy and have so much in common with. We begin talking 5 months ago. He was divorced 1 1/2 years and still devastated. I was his best friend and he leaned on me so much. We have spent alot of time together as we both enjoy it. He has made it plain that he is in no way ready for a relationship other that what we are doing and probably never will be.We are doing things together,having fun, having sex, and being good friends. He has a definite intimacy issue though.He has trouble getting close as far as touching and kissing. I have fallen hopelessly in love with him but if he knew this he would probably bail on me. He only defines our relationship as "best friends".Help...am I destined for heartbreak? How should I handle this. I am a basket case everyday just wondering if he will decide to bail or find someone. Thank you for any suggestions or comments.

[WishMistress]

Hi,

 

I think that you should definitely not have sex with him. If he is only comfortable with " best friends" than leave it that way. I know you love him and enjoy the intimacy but it will not make him love you the way you want him to. And somewhere in the future you don't want to feel like you were used for physical comfort. Be his friend, that is all.

[sayer7]

I definitely agree...

 

Men have this way of convincing women that it's ok for them to have their cake and eat it to without any true committment.

 

If he says you're just his best-bud... don't have sex with him because even though my best buddy is a guy- I definitely don't have sex with him.

 

It's ok to love a man, but don't let him walk all over you and convince you it's ok to set aside your boundaries, sense of pride, and sense of self-worth- just because....

 

He needs to respect you and your pride and boundaries and not expect you to compromise them. I have a feeling if you're writing for advice about this then you know you are comprising something and it's not settling right in your heart and in your gut.

 

Just abstain from having sex with him if he's so adamant that you're "just friends."

[ocean9]

Why are you willing to settle for so little?

If you continue being intimate and spending so much time with him, you will get hurt.

[Day_Walker]

Since you arent able to have a casual relationship with this man then it is best that you decrease the intimacy. This is going to be hard to do but you will hurt less if you do it now than if you do it later. Now if this situation was for mutual benefit i would say keep doing it but since you have fallen madly in love with him, save yourself the pain and stop it now.

[ggm]

Oh be carefull....I just spent the past two years in a similar situation.

Started out as friends...he said he didn't want committment. Then he had a tragic accident and spent 88 days in hospital, almost died twice (I was there both times). I was with him 86 of 88 days through countless surgeries and tests. I helped with rehab..the whole bit. About 9 months ago he bought a new place and told me "fix it up to suit yourself". Gave me a contractor to work with and his checkbook!! What is this telling me? Obviously he EVENTUALLY wants a committment...maybe nearly dying changed his mind about life and being alone (he's 47), right? WRONG. He bailed on me a few days after a really fun and wonderful date!! Couldn't give a reason....after a couple of weeks I really pressed him to tell me what happened. He said his feelings for me "just weren't there"!! I'm not sure I believe it, but what can I say. I still love him like there is no tomorrow!! I do intend to contact him in 4 months or so and see if he there is any hope. I do wish I had been the Dumper...not the Dumpee. I have had two husbands...one died the other I divorced. There has been more pain with this than anything I ever experienced. I can't emphasize enough how much I had wished I had been in more control over the breakup. When you give so much to a relationship and then get dumped with no real basis....it is almost unbearable. PLEASE try to "wean" yourself away now. Perhaps if you do, he will realize what he stands to lose and will make an effort to keep the relationship. If he does see you "slipping away" and lets you go, at least YOU were in control of the breakup. It will give you a better mental position. GOOD LUCK

[enuffalready]

I have to agree. You need to move on from this. He is not ready for anything and when and if he ever does become ready, he may find you are "not the one".... I had to break up with a man after 6 months who was also devastated by a separation/divorce and it was 3 years past. I didn't feel he was there for me as I needed him to be (alot of things to yet work through). I thought if we were EVER to have a chance I needed to set him free to work through "his stuff"... I feel that maybe you are in a similar situation. If in fact, he does move on I think you will feel alot worse if the sex continues and also very "used"..Don't do this to yourself, you deserve more. You REALLY do.

[i2wtbl]

First, get a book "Men Who Can't Love" by Steven Carter and Julia Sokol. Second, run for your life while you can.

 

I don't want to be ignorant. In all fairness, it's been only 5 months since you met him and a lot can happen. HOWEVER, your description reminds me of the beginnings of my previous relationship. I, too, was very sympathetic and understanding, but I also hoped (subconsciously or not) that he will change – that the whole I'm not ready for a relationship slogan will be out of his system as soon as he sees what a wonderful woman I am. Let me guess?... He's probably told you all about the heartache that he's gone through… how he was unhappy in the previous relationship and how it made him feel trapped… and… poor mouse… has been burned so badly that now all is wants to do is leak is wounds. BOLONEY!!

I have spent 3 long years of my valuable life involved in this type of situation and today I can pretty much say that I have officially obtained Phd in analyzing a commitment phobic. Any man who sleeps with you and calls you only his "best friend" is not only lying to you, but lying to himself. These men live in their convoluted worlds, manipulating people and situations around them to avoid responsibility. And you, by allowing this behavior, expose yourself not only to heartache, but also major confusion – confusion about what is that you really want, confusion about your own self-esteem, confusion about relationships in general. If you're not in a romantic relationship, but "friendship" (please note the quotation marks), then if at any point of time he hurts you (which is almost inevitable) and you dare to accuse him (out of self protection), then guess what you will hear? But honey… I don't understand, I think I told you I don't want a relationship… I'm not your boyfriend, for heavens sake, I don't have to answer to you… that's what I wanted to avoid in the first place.

The bottom line is: if he says he's not ready to be in a committed relationship, he's not ready to be in a committed relationship. If committed relationship is what you want, go and find it somewhere else.

 

And finally, I'm sure you'll wonder if he's capable of changing his attitude… Maybe, although not likely. This is where I should point out the fact that it has absolutely nothing to do with you; it's his own internal conflict. What you can do, however, is change YOUR attitude instead. Staying friends is not an option, because you're already emotionally involved. Tell him what you want and walk away. He will resurface. If he comes back with commitment, you're much better at this game than I ever was if he comes back with the same self-pity nonsense, don't even try to understand him (you won't) and get on with your life.

 

I know this is hard as hell – I've been there and I've done that!! If you need any advice or support, please feel free to email me directly at email removed.

 

All the best!

[Luciana]

Everything you wrote is very true. You have to walk away from dead end relationships.

If they really want you, they will not let you go. If they do let you go, think that they are liberating you to find another man who really does cherish you!

If they come back, make sure they don't come back with empty promises. Make sure he acts BEFORE you even have S with him!