Insecurity.

[Carnatic]

Many of us on this board will be quite insecure, that is the root of our problems with the opposite sex.

 

It would be good if we could share our experiences of it, maybe help eachother to get over it, because it's not easy.

 

For me, insecurity is like a madness. I know that always thinking people don't like me is irrational, especially when I know that I do quite well in social situations, usually making people like me and bringing people together.

 

Somehow though, I am plagued by this insecurity, and believe it or not, I can get quite insecure about the insecurity itself. Thinking, people don't like me because of my insecurity.

 

With girls I am confident and outgoing up until the insecurity kicks in, often when something gives me a slight thought that she may not like me; even if this something doesn't come from her but from something somebody else says, such as 'I'm not sure if she's that interested in you'. And then, even when I can see that she hasn't changed towards me, I will become pessimistic and negative, and often put her off me.

 

It's mad because I alway know that it is irrational to behave in this way, but I am compelled to do it anyway, it is self-destructive. It's almost as though I prefer being lonely and depressed.

 

I wonder if I can get over it, or if I'll just have to always live with it; and what part of my upbringing and social life as a child or teenager made me insecure.

 

I wondered if anyone else had similar... or different experiences of insecurity, how they cope with it or how they got over it.

 

yours

 

Carnatic

[talo]

Hi Carnatic,

 

Wanting everyone to like you is a form of insecurity. This form of insecurity is wanting everyone to be like you. Someone who is not insecure is not like anyone.

[sue184]

Wow...that's all I have to say.

 

I didn't realize that there were other people like me out there too. I totally sympathize with what you are saying, and how your insecurity about your insecurity causes you to pull yourself out of a social situation, especially with a member of the opposite sex.

 

Sometimes, for no reason at all, I become uncomfortable in my own skin, and I feel like everything I say or think is stupid, and I begin to become embaressed by the fact that I act a certain way, even though I know that I am well-liked, and that my behavior is probably nothing less than ordinary. It's a strange feeling, when you can't always feel good about yourself. Cause how are you supposed to be happy if you're not happy with yourself?

 

I wish I could be more helpful, though, because I really don't know how to get over this. I know that the answer lies in how you view yourself, and really getting to enjoy your own company, before you can be confident in the company of others. However, this is easier said than done. My advice to you is just that when you start to feel that insecurity creep up, remind yourself of all the positive aspects you have, and try and tell yourself not to overreact, that if this one girl doesn't find you worthy of her time, then she isnt worthy of yours.

[mtastic]

hi guys,

I can i dentify with you on this. it always seems like I'm insecure of myself. For me this extends beyond social situation into acedemic and professional oines as well. For example, I can study diligently for a test and no the material inside out, and still continulally doubt myself when taking it, even though I ususally wind up doing fairly well in the end. But its much worse in social situations, I find it difficult to approach new people (and sometimes even people i know), because I always get inseure about weither on not they even want to talk to me, or if i'd just be bothering them by tryinmg to have a conversation. I also identify with being insecure about being insecure, like sometimes I think people will see that i'm insecure and look down on me.

 

I think i'm beginning to improve a little though, I beagn seeing a councelor, which is something i would recommend to everybody. I also stated taking a photography class this term, which aloows for opprotunity to meet people with a common interest, as well as giving me more opportunities to socialis ewith classmates while working on projects outside of class. I've also been trying to meet people through the internet, via message board such as this one, as well as a few peronals sites. I find that talking online is a bit less nerve-racking than talking in person, as I have a little bit of time to compose my thoughts before saying something.

 

I hope I helped a little bit, at least by showing you that you aren't alone.

mtastic

[Carnatic]

Was thinking about the whole issue in work today.

 

Asked myself why I was worried that people didn't like me when I know they do, which is how this post started and came to the conclusion; why do I care what people think anyway? I'm sure that I don't need to care, all I need is my own happiness and I'm worried that most of what I do is targeted at affecting what people think.

This is bad, as it is selfish, and I'm maybe not as decent a person as I though. It is also a personality trait that I may not be able to stop. Like I'm trapped in this way of thinking. I even worried that the girl i've been interested in, I was only interested is because all my mates though she was stunning and she would make me look good. I really don't want to believe that that is true.

So yeah I'm thinking about it too much but I want to share it with you, and I think my conclusion will help.

Attempts to 'get over' your insecurity will be self defeating if the reason you want to improve is that you don't like the way it makes people see you. You have to just want to be happier in yourself.

This will just happen, we can but hope.

 

OK that sounded so pretentious. I don't want to make it sound like I have a disease or anything.

[talo]

Attempts to 'get over' your insecurity will be self defeating if the reason you want to improve is that you don't like the way it makes people see you. You have to just want to be happier in yourself.

 

How do you make people see you in any particular way. People see you as you are don't they. If you have defined yourself, eg unhappy, insecure, ...., isn't this what they see.

 

Once you define yourself, isn't that who you are.

 

What happens if you don't define yourself. Is there happiness.

[Carnatic]

The point I was making is that you will find it very difficult to just be happy if you do care what people think of you and spend time looking at yourself critically. Defining yourself isn't necessarily a good thing, you may become obsessed with defining yourself instead of just happy with how you are.

 

If you are insecure, it looks bad to others, you seem neurotic, may make people dislike, this is ironic considering the nature of insecurity, and complicates it somewhat. To become less insecure you have to change you whole mindest, and not think about your 'definition' as much.

 

Now don't make me descend further into nonsense

[talo]

The point I was making is that you will find it very difficult to just be happy if you do care what people think of you and spend time looking at yourself critically.

 

Are you are saying that it is not difficult to be happy if you do not care what people think of you and do not look at yourself critically.

 

If you are insecure, it looks bad to others, you seem neurotic, may make people dislike, this is ironic considering the nature of insecurity, and complicates it somewhat.

 

You are saying that looking bad, seeming neurotic, and making people dislike you, is not what you want when you are insecure. The irony being that you want security, but you get more insecurity. Are you saying that you get insecurity from others. Isn't this you adding to your own insecurity.

 

Thinking about your own insecurity too much is never a good thing, talking about other people's can be mutually beneficial though, to see that you aren't happy, and why aren't you happy.

 

You are saying that thinking about insecurity is your own insecurity and that when talking about other's insecurity, this takes your mind off your own insecurity and puts it on other's insecurity. But isn't your own insecurity still there when you stop talking. Isn't any insecurity your own insecurity.

 

Now don't make me descent further into nonsense

 

Are you saying that you are already into nonsense. Is this nonsense insecurity. Couldn't you come out of it by seeing yourself as neither insecure, nor secure.

[fantasia2004]

We are all insecure in certain ways not everybody is going to admit it . I included because of it it also help destroy my relationship.

 

 

from a great philosopher

comes this quote:

 

"care about other people's opinions and you will become their prisoner."

 

Insecurity will kill you and trap you and make you crazy

[Carnatic]

I think fantasia put it much more elegantly than me.

 

To answer talo, what I said was people who are feeling insecure, are often most insecure about the fact that people will see them as insecure.

 

And if you can't stop thinking about it, it won't ever go away, that's not to say it's easy to just stop thinking about it.

 

And I should clarify that all we can do here, is talk about it to make us feel better, I don't profess to be able to just wish it away.

 

I think that this post has outlived it's usefulness now though.

[talo]

Hi Fantasia,

 

We are all insecure in certain ways not everybody is going to admit it .

 

It appears that the ways we are insecure is in assuming certain ways to be secure, ie by defining ourself. For instance, one moment I may feel I know something, then I don't, then I am unsure, then I am distracted, then I am engrossed , then I am lost, then I am perplexed, then I am ... and on it goes. All these, and many more, ways to be something, or believe we are something. And this something we believe we are always changes, hence the insecurity.

 

How about believing we are nothing, or not any thing, or not believing, ie just being without being anything; then admitting insecurity, would be the same as admitting something, or being something, or being insecure.

[Double J]

Yes, everyone has their own insecurities. But the best thing a person can try to do in life is to be as happy with himself or herself as possible.. This just has a way of exuding confidence, and when others see that you feel so happy with yourself and with life in general, they want to join in. It's almost contagious. That's why girls dig confident guys so much, just as guys like confident girls too.