Ultimatum: Friends or R

[notgivingup]

I feel like my friends are doing me an injustice because they are making me choose between them and R (the guy that I am dating)](*,). But then again I cannot really blame them. I guess they see me going on a downward spiral because I keep repeating the same pattern over and over again (a destructive one at that). They think that I am feeding off the attention of other guys and allowing them to treat me badly. I do see what they are trying to tell me, but I really do want to give my relationship with R a try.

 

Perhaps it is my fault that my friends see my relationship with R as a self-destructive one because I am a pessimistic person by nature and I tend to focus on the negatives more so than the positives. And that is all my friends hear about R and I. All I do is complain about my relationship with R and rarely tell them how happy I am with him. I feel like I can feel R's love for me when I am with him and that I have unknowingly fallen in love with him as well. We have been through some ups and downs during the first month of a relationship and have already gone through a breakup, but so what, everybody makes mistakes right? I have made my share of mistakes in the first month of our relationship which was the main reason why he broke up with me. And then after a month or so apart (of not seeing each other) he asked me to give him a second chance. He realized that he had made a mistake by breaking up with me and wants to work on reconciliation with me. I just feel like nobody knows the dynamics of my relationship with R better than R and I.

 

Our relationship is quite weak and unstable at this time, but we are both confident and determined to work on it. There are still a lot of doubting and questioning on my part, and he has done his best to reassure me of his love for me. We are both learning to be better boyfriend/girlfriend to each other and I felt like things are getting better for us. I have become aware of the fact that I need to give him the space that he needs and he has also become aware of the fact that I need reassurance from him from time to time. I feel like we are having an easier time communicating with each other. I feel like I am learning more and more from my mistakes and that I am improving in terms of being a better girlfriend. There are still a lot of things that needs to be worked on when it comes to my relationship with R, and I feel like we can get through them in time. After all slow and steady wins the race right? All I want to do right now is just to focus on my relationship with R and disregard the advice of my friends. I feel like I should be confident with my decision to date R and just go with that.

 

I feel like my true friends would not put me through an ultimatum and should be there for me no matter what. And if I refuse to give R up now; they should still be there for me. If they really do stop talking to me, then all I can do is hope for the best. That they will talk to me again in time and continue to carry on with our friendship afterwards. I also know that friends are more likely to stick with you until the end than a guy. But I also feel like my friends should respect my decision no matter what it is and despite what they say about it.

 

I am beyond confused and frustrated right now.

 

What do you guys think? Feel free to comment.

[BillyV]

There has to be a reason why your friends dont like him. Is he abusive? If so, then you need to give him up and pronto. You have admitted that you are very negative, and two negatives don't make a positive. They make a stronger negative. You didnt go into the reasons why your friends dont like him, but ask yourself if there is any merit to what they're saying. Everyone makes mistakes, but they could just be trying to save you from an unhealthy relationship. If he treats you badly, it's time to move on.

[livelarge]

Is it possible that they are tired of hearing about R? With all this questioning and doubting, did you constantly talk him down to your friends? You have to be really careful when all you do is express the negative thoughts to your friends and they turn them back on you and tell you to leave him. I'm not sure why they issued an ultimatum because all you did was talk about R and you in this post (which is what I am guessing you do with your friends and you don't even notice it).

 

Friends should not put up with you speaking endlessly and tirelessly about your relationship with R. Some conversation is good. But sometimes, you have to internalize some of your dialogue so as not to bore the crap out of your friends. Especially if it's all negative and repetitive. They have a right to tell you that they are tired of hearing about it.

 

Tell us, why did they issue an ultimatum? What is their point of view?

[holdonnow]

Friendship is a two-way street. If all you are offering your friends right now is endless discussions about your drama and poor choices and immature rationalizations, then you're not being a good friend.

 

Call them and ask them to dinner and DON'T discuss your boyfriend. At all. Ask your friends about themselves and how you can be there for THEM. Ask them about their work, their relationships, invite them to do something fun, tell them a hilarious story about something that happened to you at work, ANYTHING but your problems and your boyfriend. They've heard it all before. Stop making ALL of your relationships about your boyfriends and enjoy your friends for who THEY are (which is not your therapist, BTW).