NC may be my enemy? Perhaps a RARE kind of ex.

[cardinalsings]

I've read a lot about how to get an ex back over the internet and on this site for a long time now and I now have to ask for my certain situation what advice can be given because I'm too confused on what I can do with an ex like mine.

 

So, what if an ex left you because YOU were making them unhappy by constantly accusing them of flirting and being so overly jealous and controlling of who they spoke to and what they said and eventually, making them feel that they couldn't be themselves anymore and didn't know how to be while with YOU?

 

What if your ex feels that HE was the catch and he didn't do too many things wrong and he deserves someone better than YOU?

 

What if his mentality is that he victimizes himself and thinks of you as someone who couldn't accept him for who he is and how he acts?

 

What if your ex told you he wanted to stay friends and said who knows maybe in the future you two will be together, but then you found out two months later he told a close friend that even if you changed one hundred percent, he would not go back out with you? My ex said this and I assume the reason he wouldn't go back out with me is because of too much built up resentment -which is something he also explained to me while breaking up...that if I stopped doing the things that were hurting him, it wouldn't work because of all the resentment he has towards me.

 

BUT, what if your ex does not seem to be angry or bitter with you and may have told a few people that you broke up mutually though in truth, he left you? And what if the break up ended in the best possible and most special way by taking a few days to say goodbye and reminisce on the relationship, kiss and hold each other, watch a film, go to dinner, have sex, go to favorite places and then cry and kiss each other and blow kisses goodbye? I tried to reason with my ex during those few days but he was so adamant that he was unhappy.

 

My ex seemed to have an easy time walking away from me after four years together...despite the bit of crying from him toward our final last minutes together. About 3-4 weeks post break up, he reclaimed friendships with old girl friends he didn't speak to too often, tagged himself in old photos with girls and even one ex on facebook, took dozens of photos with new girls he met....all things I would have been angry about when we were together.

 

 

 

Now....what if your ex keeps Liking your statuses and old photos from your only two photo albums on facebook about once every two weeks since the break up?? Are you supposed to assume this is his way of keeping the door to friendship open? Even if the only photos he has Liked so far have been photos of the two of you or just you? Also, he recently commented on a photo of the two of us from my album on fbook but it was just to say he still couldn't believe the hair piece he was wearing in the pic looked so authentic. He also had sent a Christmas card to my family and me. He also texted me on christmas and new years (only after I texted him first for this one) meanwhile, personalizing the texts with my name.

 

On top of that, he keeps very, very busy and takes on more than a person can handle and always has friends who will go hang out with him any night of the week....he never has to spend a lonely moment and hardly has to deal with sadness because he's too busy socializing.

 

Honestly, I don't think me having lots of fun and becoming visibly happier and being the girl I once was is even going to make him interested in me again because of his resolved and content attitude that he and I will never be again.

 

I'm beginning to think my case is rare because I don't think no contact is going to work because he always told me he wished we had been friends first because I interpreted his friendly actions toward girls to be flirty and if I had been his friend long enough, I would have realized it was just how he is friendly and nothing more. Also, he has always dated friends and re-dated 2 exes. I was the first non-friend, non-ex he ever dated. Not to mention, I always gave him the silent treatment when I was angry and he never responded to it at all...he just wasn't bothered by it, so it's another reason I'm worried no contact would not work for me and might just remind him of being given the silent treatment and then make him think of me as acting immature.

 

I'm asking, what do you do to get back an ex like that?? Is there any hope? Also, does this somehow go hand in hand with cheating in some way?...because cheaters have to basically ask for forgiveness and try to change because they hurt and abused the relationship with their actions. How does one go about getting an ex back when you are the one who messed up in their eyes and they are too proud?

 

We are going on 2 1/2 months broken up.

[dramallama]

The first question is, why would you WANT him back? It doesn't seem like he wants to take the blame for any part of the demise of your relationship. And he seems a bit up himself. Most importantly, he dumped you and you're hanging around for scraps. You are worth more than that.

 

Let's say, hypothetically, if you did want him back (because he seems like such a catch... not), you should STILL go No Contact. I really don't see why your case is an exception to go NC - if anything, his personality and self-righteousness is even MORE of a reason to start NC - but not to get him back, but for yourself. So you can find someone that is less of a d-bag. At best it sounds like he doesn't mind your company, at worst (and I think this is more of the case) he is stringing you along giving you mixed signals.

 

I'll break it down for you. He broke up with you, 2 months ago. He's blamed you for the ending of the relationship. He doesn't want to be in a relationship with you. If he did - then he would be. He's probably loving that you're lapping up any attention he's giving you, because you are settling for anything he's throwing. There's no such thing as "too proud", "too scared", "too content with the friends thing" for a dumper to beg to come back. If a dumper thinks they've made a mistake - they will come back OF THEIR OWN ACCORD. Not with you talking them into it, or hanging around hoping they'll realise what a cool person you are. They will break through that NC and basically beg for you back.

 

I know people like to think that No Contact is a good tool for healing and moving on, but when it comes to their OWN exes, oh no no no, their own situation is a completely different story because their ex is so unlike anyone elses ex, and their own personal situation is sooo complicated and different and never seen before. But it isn't. Yours and theirs and everyone's situation is pretty much exactly the same.

 

If someone doesn't want to be with you - move on. Let them live with their decision of breaking up with you. Hanging around after someone has dumped you just shows that you have low self-esteem. It doesn't make them want to be with you. In fact - it let's them move on quicker. They get to use you as entertainment, as filler between their next girlfriend, or a back-up just in case they can't find anyone better. It takes confidence to say "I respect your decision and wish you the best, because if you don't want me, then I'll stay out of your life for good." It's the harder road to take, but you can bet your bottom dollar that when you go NC straight away after you've been dumped - if your ex doesn't come back to you, they will sure as heck re-think their decision, and at the very least they will admire you for your strength to say no to anything less than a committed relationship. And I'm telling you, No Contact is not your worst enemy - it's your best friend.

[charity]

you say ''when you are the one who messed up in their eyes''. my question to you is do you agree with this?. was the break up mostly your fault? who is responsible IN YOUR EYES?

[WockaWocka]

I agree 100%. Cardinalsings, nothing in your post suggests a good reason to maintain contact; if anything, his treatment of you is all the more reason to maintain NC. No one leaves a partner because they think the partner is a catch and they're not. Being annoyed is often part of it too. Your story is very similar to so many others here. The only way to show him you're worth more than the tiny crumbs he's giving you is to cut contact completely. To me he doesn't sound worth winning back, but if you're determined to then NC is your best (and only) bet.

 

Good luck.

[Luckyy]

Your post is very similar to mine, I also pushed my ex away because I would accuse her of flirting and got jealous of other men. Even though I knew she wasn't I was just afraid that she would find someone "better" so before you even think about getting back together I would recommend working on yourself. Go out and flirt, get in shape, hang out with friends. Like you it was a "mutual" thing at the time because she didn't know what to do anymore. So I left for 7 months, I went no contact and I'm in better shape that the past 5 years, more confident and to be honest I love her that much more now.

[Luckyy]

will post more later, Im on my phone right now

[cardinalsings]

I'm worried that deleting my ex from facebook...our only last form of contact left, won't help at all, but will just make him think I moved on (maybe am even dating someone new now) and he will further continue to move on and date also. I know him very well and I am pretty sure that's what would happen if I delete him.

 

charity, I do think that it was mostly ME who ruined the relationship with my jealousy and accusations and constantly being sad or suspicious that he was growing feelings for a girl friend and would find someone better and leave me or that he was disrespecting me by flirting and growing feelings for other girls. So yes, in my eyes I did mess up the relationship.

 

I don't think he thinks I am lapping up any attention he gives me though because I have not responded to any of his facebook actions. I didn't even send back a christmas card, but I did respond to his holiday texts just by saying you too. In fact, my facebook wall has had things written on it from friends that clearly spells out that I am dating someone new, which I am but it's not working out...that's another post for another time. So, I don't think he thinks that I am enjoying his attention or even that I want him back maybe.....

 

Luckyy, you and I had the same problems in our relationships. I know exactly how you felt with the jealousy problem. I knew he wasn't going to leave me for another girl but I would still get upset and I would think that maybe he had crushes on girls or was still flirting to boost his ego. But he probably wasn't...I just was so insecure. But it sounds like you left her to better yourself and the two of you may be together again? I am definitely changing and loving my ex more now than when we were together. I am forgiving him for things that happened in the beginning of our relationship that I think made me become so jealous for the rest of the the time we dated. -I'm continuing to change and date and grow more confident, but he doesn't ever want me back. And I have wounded him so much that I think he never would want to have another go at our relationship, especially since he has gotten back to who he was and how he was before we started dating, which seems to have made him happier.

 

Plus, how does your ex see or know that you have changed and that you are a better person and more fun, more confident....if they have no form of knowing, since you don't really have any mutual friends, don't hang around the same circles, there isn't too much chance to run into each other, and if I delete facebook, he can't see any new pictures or my wall to somehow find that out....?

[dramallama]

Well, send him a message letting him know that the door is open for reconciliation, but that you cannot be friends, even facebook friends anymore because you both want different things from each other. Then you can rest easier knowing that the ball is in his court and if you don't hear from him stating that he would like to give things another go, then you know that he is just looking to be friends. If you don't hear from him at all you can continue NC knowing that it's HIS choice not to be with you, it's out of your hands, and the only thing you can do it continue NC and wait, or eventually move on because of NC. If he wants you enough he will come back for a relationship. Don't accept any funny business. If you send him that message then he should understand why you have deleted him from facebook and that you would still like to work things out.

 

But it's been 2.5 months and he hasn't come back to you. Don't you think it's time to move on? Either changing your tactic into getting him back, or allowing yourself to heal and moving onto someone else that will want to be more than a text buddy with you?

 

If you delete him as a friend, then change the privacy settings so that only your friends can see everything, then he will still be able to see your profile picture. You will bump into him when you least expect it, in the mean time work on yourself. The energy that you were putting into thinking about him, what new hobbies would you like to try? Are there any old friends that you would like to catch up with? Or house projects you've been putting off?

 

And even if he isn't able to see how you've changed, if he truly loved you during you're relationship and what you had between you was special, then those memories should come back, and HE will seek YOU out to reconcile. Don't accept anything less. If you've told him that you only want to hear from him if he wants to reconcile, ask him straight out if he is texting/calling to reconcile, and if his answer is anything less than a "yes", ignore anything else he sends, and he will soon understand that you are serious about either reconciling or moving on for yourself.

 

You really should have done NC as soon as he dumped you, because now that he's gotten the chance to wean himself off you, the impact of NC will not be as strong. He's only seen you as a friend for the past 2.5 months, being there for him as his back-up girl and you've accepted that role. So be prepared that he may never be willing to reconcile again. But you should still do NC for yourself, so that YOU can move on rather than being stuck in this limbo.

 

Learn for next time that when someone doesn't want to be with you, as much as you are upset, accept their decision and go No Contact. It's your best chance for them to realise what they've given up on, or you're best chance to move on.

[Luckyy]

I think your moving in the right direction, but I don't think your ready just yet.

 

You seem terrified of losing him, and to truly move forward you have to let that go. If you hold something to tight, you choke it. Facebook wasn't a problem for me because I stopped using it, I didn't want to know if she moved on or not, my goal was not to push her away. I had done that with my jealousy, my goal was to work on myself. Shes not the type to post a bunch of pictures on a wall on a facebook to hurt me and I'm not like that either, it seems childish and doesn't say "I love you or loved you at one point"

 

You need to realize that he may never want you back, I'm hopeful for you because this is compared to what some people go through and get back together this is relatively nothing at all (read some of the upbeat stories on here trust me they help) and for all you know he might seem happy, but that could only be on the outside.

 

Yes your problems are very very similar to mine. I got over the jealousy, by learning to love myself. My ex is currently "talking" to someone else right now, and I'm not jealous of him and its an amazing feeling. It does hurt a bit but thats to be expected, its healthy. Yes I left her, I didn't talk to her again unless she contacted me. About 1 and 2 months into the breakup she had texted me, one time angry and dramatic (completely out of her character) and I just was friendly and told her I still love her, she just wanted to be friends, so I left it at that. The second time a man she refused to tell me about crashed their car and I was worried about her so we talked. I think she had begun to miss me at that point, but things didn't change, then I went 5 months without a word to her. I was a completely mystery, barely ever used facebook, we live a decent distance apart so no random run ins. Then one day I woke up and realized that I couldn't live without her, that this wasn't working anymore. So I broke no contact after I left her (mutual breakup but I stormed out on her) and started talking again. Slowly at first and she began to do something she hadn't done in a long time, she started chasing me. Random texts for no reason, would text me as soon as she woke up if she missed my text. Even would call me just to talk once or twice. Her son and grandmother got sick and she had a full time job and I would imagine became very stressed so we haven't talked much lately. I did tell her how I felt one night, I didn't blame her for any of it and apologized. I told her that I'm still in love with her. She thought I just wanted to be friends, we talked about it and she asked me the same thing 3 times, "why did you wait so long to come back?", "I thought you had moved on", "this sucks I haven't really heard from her since then. I'm sure its a lot to think about so i'm giving her space. I consider her my best friend but I can't be just friends with her, it wouldn't work.

 

As for you and your ex b/f I don't know every situation is different. Your friends will see that you've changed first. When you feel ready just talk to him, nothing ventured...nothing gained.

[cardinalsings]

dramallama, do you really think that since I haven't done anything on facebook toward my ex and I only sent him a new years text and a "you too" in response to his christmas text in two months post break up....that he was able to wean himself off of me? I mean, I basically did no contact except for the two text messages. I don't use facebook too often, but there are new pics of me posted by friends from events...such as me dancing with a decently cute boy....and yeah he can sort of see a gist of what I've been up to but not too much. I haven't used facebook too much. I don't think he even makes it a mantra to go no my wall every day or every week. I think he might have just seen some picture suggestions pop up on the top of his profile and clicked to Like them. But from staying facebook friends with no contact on my part, you really think he was able to wean himself off of me just because we didn't have any contact but stayed facebook friends? It's not like I have responded to the Liking of my pictures or statuses. It's like I'm giving the cold shoulder.

 

Luckyy, so you are saying you kept your facebook and stayed friends with your ex on facebook but you just hardly used it? I'm thinking maybe I should remain friends with him but block my wall and tagged photos from him. Of course, he will figure this out and then perhaps defriend me himself if he sees no point in staying friends with me when I am hiding my wall and photos. And he may think at the same time I continued to keep my facebook friendship with him so I could spy on him... I think you're right with your goal and I believe that is my goal too: that I don't want to push him away. I feel that if I defriend him it sends a message that I'm moving on and I'm done with him, maybe even over it and angry....and I'm worried it will push him away.

 

Problem is, when I'm ready, I don't even know how to open the door to communication again with him. I'm too scared to. I'm too scared to even see him if we were to run into each other. I certainly can't send him the NC message that dramallamma was explaining because I'll just embarrass myself because it's been two months. And he has told so many people he doesn't want to be with me. And he would probably tell them I am still hung up on him and I can't bear that shame and giving him more of an ego.

 

I just need to be a mystery and be better and respect myself, but I also need a way to open the door to communication in the future. He did forget something that I have and I could possibly use that to speak to him again in a month or two when I'm hopefully more ready....he does have something that I need which I will eventually contact him about. So I guess those instances could open the door, but I don't know if he will just give me what I need and take back what I have and then shut the door again, as if we just performed a simple transaction for our things.

 

Also, I was planning on making an album of photos from the past with pictures with friends from high school, my experiences in college, etc...and since he and I dated for so long and did most things together....I was planning on some of the pictures being put up to be pictures from events that we did together, but photos of just ME....like for example, we went on a trip together to vegas and I was planning on just putting a few pics of me from the trip...or another example being a picture of just me at an ice skating rink from our valentine's day together. Is it hurtful of me to do this or wrong of me and could it even make him think I'm sending him some sort of a message by doing this?

[dramallama]

If you do ever feel like you could be friends again, and this is when you have zero desire to be back together and no expectations, you can cross that bridge when you come to it. You're putting the cart before the horse here. And a lot of the time when we are over our exes, we don't want them as a friend, because friends are everywhere so the desperation to be friends with them isn't there any more. If you already know that he's over you, take the next natural steps which is to delete him and ignore any contact. I know it's scary because you are taking steps to move on, instead of clinging to hope, but then you will be free to move on, instead of spending your time on the internet making threads like this about how to get him back, how to leave the door open to reconciliation.

 

As the dumper if he wants you back (which it doesn't sound like he does, but let's say he did), then that's HIS problem to worry about contact you. If a dumper changes their mind, they will write you a letter, send you a telegram, smoke signals, anything to go above and beyond so they let you know it's a mistake they've made. They will make it clear that they want you back. Responding to texts may and keeping him on facebook may seem harmless, but you're still not letting him live with the consequence of dumping you. He's still reaching out to make sure you're there just in case. I'm not saying he's doing it purposfully, but subconsciously he wants to make sure you're still hung up on him.

 

Are you talking about making a photo album on facebook? Again, just delete him already so then you don't have to worry what his reaction will be, and so you can be free to be yourself on facebook.

[onidonid]

Lama...my ex tagged me in a photo (that she was not in) on Facebook. I got an email notification of the tag a couple of weeks ago.

 

I've been No Contact for 2 months now, after two months of being in contact doing all the wimpy stuff (pleading , crying, begging, apologizing - God I hate myself!)...

 

Would a cordial "thanks" in reply be a bad thing? I think it might, just want be sure. I don't see it in the guide. I'm not pressing or worried, but I do want to give the impression "I'm ok". Because I am.

[dramallama]

You're posting here about what impression to give your ex on facebook... so that means you are NOT ok. Part of NC is deleting your ex as a friend. It is the only way to go complete No Contact. Why should your ex dump you then get the priveledge of still being your friend on facebook? I don't think so! It's a big step but it was her decision to dump you, so let her live with the consequence of it - and that is you will not be in her life anymore. Also, why would you thank someone, let alone your ex for tagging you in a photo? Or do you just want an excuse to contact her?

 

Go NC (including deleting from FB) and if she changes her mind she will ask you to be back in a relationship! Anything less, and she is using you for friendship or as filler between now and her next boyfriend.

[onidonid]

Ok well then I'm not "OK", but I'm better. Does that count? I know know..

 

My ex is not my friend on Facebook. She has me blocked, so she can't see me and I can't see her. However, you can still TAG someone in someone else's album if you put in their email address. She tagged a photo of me in someone else's album of some party I was at.

 

I don't want to initiate contact, but she somewhat did. I am not looking for an excuse to contact her. It's not a call, or an email...it is indirect. I dont want to say thank you per se. I want to know if it is wrong to do so. Is being polite out of the question? No I dont want to go out of my way to be nice at all, but I shouldnt treat her like I treat everyone else?

 

Just looking for advice - If I had a clue, I wouldnt be here.

 

She's in a rebound relationship already.

[dramallama]

I would ignore the tag, honestly. I don't see the need to thank anyone for tagging you, especially if you are not even in the picture, and especially if she has a boyfriend. Just ignore it. For yourself. Trying to contact her will just make things worse for yourself because instead of moving on you will be wondering if she will ever write back. If you want a chance for her never to come back to you, then contact her. But if you want her to come back or you want to move on, stick with NC.

[onidonid]

I was in the photo actually. But no matter, I will continue the NC.

 

I wish I know about NC early on...I was a complete mess. I'm much better than I was for sure. I've had many breakups in my life, some caused by me, some not...none really effected me like this one. This one, rocked my core. I didn't see it coming. I really loved this woman and honestly I'm still in shock. I hope the NC fixes that soon....I'm tired of shaking my head in disbelief.

 

 

Thank you for your time

[dramallama]

You will go through stages of grief. Don't fight them. Just know that NC will speed up your healing instead of you looking for false hope. You will be in a better place soon if you stick to NC. Also, try new things and get out there.