My ex isn't over for me?

[number1]

To sum things up v v briefly. It was a pretty clean brake up, both of us have been pretty much in NC except two or three times. I found out before xmas that as teenager something bad happened to her by somebody by a close family friend. It seems to be that the moment she fell in love with me is the exact moment she couldn't handle it.

 

My ex and I have been texting each this last month. Fairly infrequent, all very nice things and lighthearted. Yesterday she texted me saying she is feeling guilty that she forgot to wish me happy birthday last week. I wasn't too bothered that she forgot, but we chit chatted about what we have been up to in our lives. It seems we have both done a lot in the last few months, so I suggested we should catch up at some point. She didn't respond to that... I have left it at that

 

I know it sounds odd, but I have a strong feeling she isn't over me. Something I hadn't expected until today. Especially considering she broke up with me and the amount of time that has passed. Obviously I know her really well and if she was over me, she would have responded with a simple decline.

[dramallama]

She's happy using you as a text buddy, but she's not interested in meeting up with you in person. What exactly in her behaviour is suggesting that she isn't over you? Because I don't see it.

 

If you're happy to be used as an emotional back-up by her, then keep responding to her texts. But if you would like to move on or increase the chance of her coming back for good, stop settling for crumbs that she's throwing. Grow a back-bone and tell her to stop contacting you unless she wants to work things out - because right now she is testing every now and then to see if you've moved on or not, just for an ego boost. When you respond she knows she's got you wrapped around her little finger, just in case she can't find someone better. If you don't want to be her second choice, go No Contact.

[number1]

I haven't explained every tiny bit in details, there is a lot more to this but it would be a very long winded post. I've got a feeling she isn't over me. But you are 100% right in a certain sense. Her getting back with me, I am not so sure. I don't think she can cope being in a relationship (due to her past too scared of getting hurt). A lot has happened in the 6 months since I have seen her and I am in a lot better place.

 

Either way..... I got a reply last nightm hours later at 1am (I was a sleep by then). The next morning I see that she would love to catch up. I am too busy this week, so we agreed to brunch on Saturday morning near where I live. Is this a stupid idea? I honestly don't know..

[dramallama]

Trust me, I don't need to know the details. I know enough to understand that she just doesn't feel for you the same way and doesn't want to be in a relationship with YOU. When some other guy comes along I bet that she'll suddenly get over her fear of being in a relationship quick smart. And you'll be wondering what the hell just happened. Because you would have helped her move on. The more you hang around, the more you are helping your ex wean herself off of you. She's using you as an emotional crutch between now and her next relationship.

 

Go meet her, but don't bring up the relationship at all... yet. Have fun and be Non-Chalant. If she treats you as a friend, or even if she doesn't, after the brunch (which sounds like something friends do... but anyway) let her know that you enjoyed her company and would like to be exclusive again. If she waffles or gives you excuses, say that you respect her decision but this friends thing isn't going to work out. Wish her the best and move on. She may still have fond feelings of you, but not enough to want to be with you. If she can't cope with a relationship (which I think is just code for: I don't want a relationship with YOU) believe her.

 

When someone tells you something, even if you don't want to hear it, take them at their word. And move on to someone that has no problem in being in a relationship with you. Every time you do brunch or text, she knows she's still got you. Being in a relationship is not scary if you are in love with someone. What is scaring her is that you're so keen on her, but she doesn't feel the same way and you're not getting it. But I mean, brunch, really? You have to cut contact so you are mysterious not asking her to go to brunch... read the Non-Chalance thread.

[Luckyy]

I have to agree with dramallama but in a more optimistic light. I don't know how long you've been broken up (the longer the better for getting back together) but chances are shes not sure about you. Be yourself, and definitely be nonchalant about it all. I think giving her plenty of space is for the best.

 

If she loves you she will come around if you want to make the effort, and if she doesn't go find someone who does.

[number1]

thanks, it does help getting an outside perspective. I honestly would have no problem canceling the entire thing. But wouldn't it then be even more obvious that I still feel something for her?

 

just because luckyy askend, It has been 5 months since I last saw her and had been NC until last weekend.

[dramallama]

I think if you took time out your day to meet your ex for lunch it would show that you feel something for her. Women's attraction grows when your non-chalance and mystery goes up. If you disappear then she will wonder what is up and you will be more attractive because you are less available. Take this time to work on yourself and do the things you've been meaning to do. f you go to brunch with her it will only say to her that you have no problem being around people (and being friends with) women that do not want you. Disappear for a while. Take hours to text her back or not at all. Treat her like she is not on your list of priorities because that is what high-value men do to women that play games and don't want to be with them. Because you sure are not on her list of priorities.