Forgiveness, Letting go, Trusting again?

[notgivingup]

Is it true that forgiveness must come first before letting go? Why or why not?

 

For those who answered yes to that question, would you be able to forgive a rapist? It was my freshman year of college and I did not see that as rape at that time (just he had sex with me without my consent, I did it see it as rape at the time). Therefore I did not see the full impact of that to my other relationships from then on until now (which is five years later). That was my first relationship (it was a traumatic one at that). I can seriously say that this is one of the reasons why I do not trust men and also part of the reason why all of my previous relationships have been short term. I seem to have a problem believing that a guy is genuine about me and respects me if he wants sex with me early on in a relationship. Or that if a guy thinks that having sex with him is one of the ways if not the only way to prove my love for him. I know that it takes time and practice (trail and error) in order to find the right kind of guy for me). I’m sure part of the reason he did what he did was that he was bipolar. I did not know he was bipolar until after he broke up with me. He also faked his own death and suicide note. I was gullible and believe everything that he said. He continued to be a part of my life after that. He continued to use me and all that for about a year or so. If I can learn to forgive this ex and have done so, I can do the same with the rest (hopefully)?

 

How do you forgive someone like that? How do I learn to trust other guys after what had happened with me?

[In the Dark]

If he did indeed rape you why are still able to have him around?

 

I think this issue is figuring out how to stop relating the rapist and what he did to the moments with your BFs who did not rape you.

Resolution may not be in forgiving the rapist.

Did you put up a fight to stop him having sex with you?

Did you clearly let him know you did not want to do it?

Despite being Bipolar, he would have known if he was raping you if you clearly let him know you did not want to do it.

 

I believe it is not just trail and error about finding the right guy for you but also realizing the difference between the rapist and your BFs past and present.

[notgivingup]

Hi in the dark,

 

The guy who raped me is no longer in my life. I did tell him verbally that I did not want to have sex with him but I did not physically put up a fight at the time (for whatever reason). I think he did know that it was wrong of him to rape me at the time but his mindset was more "I am showing you that I love you by having sex with you). I do not know if I am capable of telling the difference between the past and my BFs past and present.

 

Notgivingup

 

If he did indeed rape you why are still able to have him around?

 

I think this issue is figuring out how to stop relating the rapist and what he did to the moments with your BFs who did not rape you.

Resolution may not be in forgiving the rapist.

Did you put up a fight to stop him having sex with you?

Did you clearly let him know you did not want to do it?

Despite being Bipolar, he would have known if he was raping you if you clearly let him know you did not want to do it.

 

I believe it is not just trail and error about finding the right guy for you but also realizing the difference between the rapist and your BFs past and present.

[In the Dark]

Well that's good to know he is not in your life anymore.

His mindset if what you were reading from him was indeed "I am showing you that I love you by having sex with you".....he obviously doesn't think much past his groin when it comes to showing signs of affection.

Since you did not fight or scream during sex to make it clear you did not want this, I would assume he thought you just changed your mind and enjoyed it.

 

I am no shrink and I do not know the feeling you are going through.

All I can say is the solution is understanding the person you are dating and having sex with is not the one and the same person.

 

The person you are with does not intend to do what the rapist did.

 

Maybe you could share the story with your current or next partners and hear what they have to say about it.

Depending on their reaction and what they have to say....it may help with you knowing how they feel about it and hearing they won't ever do the same thing to you.

 

Otherwise I am out of possibilities to help with this situation.

[notgivingup]

Hi in the dark,

 

Thank you for replying. I just recently got out of a relationship and I was wondering if things would have gone differently if I had told him about this situation and how that is the root cause as it is to why I do not trust men easily. I will seriously take your advice into consideration and discuss this with my future boyfriends. But do you think that there should be a certain time frame as in how long we have been in a relationship with each other before I drop this bombshell on them? I seriously do not know why I did not fight or scream at the time, perhaps because I am a people pleaser and probably because I was young and it was my first relationship. I probably did not know what to do at the time. I believe I have a better idea of how to deal with relationships now, even though I still got lots more to learn and a much longer way to go.

 

Notgivingup

[In the Dark]

The time frame to tell your potential partner by is based on how comfortable you two are.

I am sure there will be deeply talking about situations where you will both be talking about past experiences which were/are devastating before you even get intimate in bed.

That will most probably be the best time to talk to him about it.

[notgivingup]

Hi in the dark,

 

Thank you. I really appreciate your input in this. You have no idea. Best of luck on everything.

 

Notgivingup

 

The time frame to tell your potential partner by is based on how comfortable you two are.

I am sure there will be deeply talking about situations where you will both be talking about past experiences which were/are devastating before you even get intimate in bed.

That will most probably be the best time to talk to him about it.

[FrogIsFree]

..how that is the root cause as it is to why I do not trust men easily.

 

But do you think that there should be a certain time frame as in how long we have been in a relationship with each other before I drop this bombshell on them?

 

I seriously do not know why I did not fight or scream at the time, perhaps because I am a people pleaser and probably because I was young and it was my first relationship. I probably did not know what to do at the time. I believe I have a better idea of how to deal with relationships now, even though I still got lots more to learn and a much longer way to go.

 

Notgivingup

 

On the first thing you said: I am in exactly the same situation trying to trust - I basically don't but really want to.

 

On the second point: I see it exactly this - a bombshell. How on earth do you expose a person to that + then ALSO try to trust them, especially with not running a mile from you or you automatically running a mile from them and them wondering what on earth is going on? That can making timing even more of an agonising decision. I don't want to wait until later because getting intimate is the issue for me & I would - though a total coward myself about it - objectively say: sooner rather than later and definitely before any intimacy takes place. I have been thinking that I might tell him something in a nutshell that sums up he needs to be sensitive to my needs and be prepared for certain responses he might not like in my behaviour as I try to cope with all the feelings including hurt and anger churning up inside me but that I am essentially a kind, loving person who just got messed up by other people's irresponsible actions. The details can be gone in to later when and if you feel able to. There is no saying you have to ever tell him the details.. you might also explain you can't talk about the details - this is what I have been thinking for myself - because you fear he will reject you once he knows and that while people say they would never do that, they often then do, so you want to be sure he can handle it and won't be secrectly turned off by it - probably only a consideration that is all in my head, but nevertheless I would want to spell this out first not have him run in the other direction a few weeks later after initially saying he was saying he was fine with it all.. that would be my worst nightmare..

 

On the third thing: you were dissociating - it's the bit that took me time to figure out but with lots of research after thinking it through a lot - I disconnected emotionally, just as I did as a child when I was abused because I could not escape as a child then this replayed in me as an adult (plus the man that raped me was very physically strong, violent and unpredictable with his temper flares which mostly always caught me off guard) and the disassociation or going numb is why I felt it was my fault because I was unable to act and fight to get him off me and get away from him..

I also didn't see it coming, so the shock of it and me telling him to stop I remember very clearly feeling lifeless, unable to move.

Although I am rubbish at advising, I hope this helps you gain some clarity - it certainly helped me explore and perhaps begin to accept the disassociation reaction was not my fault. It happens to victims regardless of whether it was not the first time or the first time the sexual assault/rape took place, I understand.

[notgivingup]

Hi frogisfree,

 

Your response was very helpful and it did bring me some clarity so thank you for that. I have been busy lately and have not had a chance to go on ENA. Sorry for the late response. Thank you for explaining things in terms that I am able to understand. I have basically put this behind me but have found that I have not moved on over it yet and yet it is always at the back of my mind. I have found a guy who have tried to convinced me of his love for me and how strong and real it is (for the past month), but I refuse to believe him. It got to the point where he had to break up with me, he said it was 1) either to break up with me for good, or 2) to break up with me, teach me a lesson, then come back to me. He felt like the fact that he loves me does not matter because I REFUSE to believe it. I kept questioning it and testing it, and he finally got tired of that. That is when I finally realized how bad things have gotten CUZ of what happened (the rape).

 

Thanks for understanding. Thanks for caring enough to reply. I wish you the best of luck in everything. Private message me if I can help you out with anything.

 

Notgivingup