Unhappy relationship but devastated after realising the end.

[rich99]

The relationship lasted 4.5 years. During much of this, we argued and were unhappy. However, there was enouhg respect to keep us going. I actually ended it 5 months ago and it was a relief. Since then I have not seen my ex girlfriend but have kept in touch via phone and mainly texts of late. I have been happier out of the relationship but have still wondered if it could work out next time round and actually thought about writing a detailed letter to try and patch things up. Much of the problems were due to my fault btw.

Anyway, yesterday I received a text stating my ex had been seeing someone for 2 months and they were going away for a year from this christmas. I was destrought and very strong feelings came back immediately. I have then realised she is the most important thing in the world to me. Am I imagining this? We have spoke on the phone for 2h but I can not change her mind when asking her to come back. What is happening?

[twinkle]

I know exactly how you feel. I was with my ex for just over three years, and towards the end there were definitely more bad times than good. We were best friends though, and we'd got into the habit of seeing and being with each other. so when we broke up it was a terrible wrench and hurt me so much. it's hard to describe how a relationship that you know you shouldn't be in, can hurt you so much when it ends. and yet it's such a relief.

 

anyway, i was the one that was devastated. we kept in touch, called each other, texted and occasionally met up. then he started seeing someone else, and it was serious very quickly.

 

i felt awful and at the time i thoguht it was because i wanted him back. looking back, i think i was hurting because he seemed to be moving on so quickly. i mean, this was a 3 year relationship and within a couple of months he was ready to marry someone else! i felt like i'd never meant anything to him.

 

the strong feelings you're feeling could well just be jealousy rather than love. i'm not saying that's definitely what it is, and i'm not undermining how you feel in any way. you can't 'change her mind' though. some things just aren't meant to be. try your hardest to move on with your life, and i know its hard. don't contact her, and if she's going to miss you, she will. and if she does, she'll contact you. and if she doesn't contact you, at least you're partly on your way to getting over the relationship and moving on.

[Katheelynn]

Your statement that you had spoke to her for hours on the phone and she did not change her mind answered your own question. She has moved on. I understand what your experiencing and IM sure you are confused. Could you be experiencing "thrill of the hunt" kinda thing? Knowing she has moved may be a challange to you. I do acknowledge that you said most of the problems were your fault and I praise you for admitting that. It is my opinion that unless you are totally committed to her, please let her continue on her journey.

[Celadon]

Rich99, it's understandable that you feel distraught about this. When an ex moves on, it's like the final ending of the relationship - no more false hopes or false sense of security that your ex might still want a relationship with you.

 

I've felt the same way, and it does take a bit for emotions to settle back down again. Not fun, but you can get past this by keeping busy and allowing yourself time to deal with it.

 

Although you have suddenly had a realization that she's "the one," I'm afraid a two-hour conversation usually doesn't mean a whole lot in the face of what happened over 4.5 years. I don't mean to sound rude at all, but promising that things will be better is different from things actually being better. Some people think actions speak louder than words. My ex was a champion of all talk, no walk.

 

If you really want her back, I guess you have from now until Christmas to show her you're the person worth her time and affection. But if you're not serious about maintaining the relationship after you get her back, then please, as another poster said, just let her go. Take it easy.

[aznova]

Rich,

I know you feel hurt, similar thing happened to me. Keep in mind that you left or asked to leave. Guilty feelings are natural, but dont let them possess you. If you feel that you made a mistake, accept it and move on. Family, friends and professional counseling works well. When another person gets rejected(your x) it hurts more than anything, and she went through that. She found the strength to get back up and move on. It is very natural for you to feel like this, because now you are the one being rejected. Keep these wounds in your memory, and utilize them for your future relationships. You have to accept that she is gone. Work on the things you need to work on.

[lady00]

deleted.

[birdgirl]

I know this feeling. When the relationship ended, my depression ended. How can I deny that I'm better off? And yet I miss him terribly and can't completely let go. It's so hard.