just found a bunch of personal stuff

[MissSMcc]

for those who dont know, my ex left on boxing day after 5 years together. he moved out but left a lot of stuff behind which i am slowly sorting through and throwing out. he had a lot of junk in our bedroom cupboard and as i was sorting through it i found a shoe box of mine that i had forgotten about. in it i found some stuff he had given me, a letter, a valentines card, a guitar pick he gave me on our first date, a card from some flowers he bought me. to be honest i didn't feel much when i discovered these things, a slight sadness and longing but nothing i can't deal with, they all went straight in the bin. what really got to me though, is the other things i found. things i had before i met him. photos of me and my sister, concert tickets, poems i had written. good times i had, and it's dawned on me how much i lost myself in this relationship. i was looking through the photos and cant believe how young i looked (ok im only 25 now, but 19 seems like so long ago). i know it's my fault if i lost myself, he didn't make me lose touch with who i was, i was young and naive and wanted to be who he wanted me to be. entirely my fault, chalk it up to youth and a need to feel accepted. has anyone else felt this way after a long term relationship has ended? i know a lot of me changing during the relationship was due to growing up, but i feel like so much of it was due to trying to feel acceptable to him. like an internal peer pressure almost, that came from my own insecurities.

[Ryme]

Yes, I feel the same. I think when we're in a relationship, we naturally change things about ourselves to 'fit' with the other person - I think it's a subconscious thing that most people aren't aware of doing.

 

I was with my husband for eleven years, but since he left, I feel like I can be 'me' again. When I think about how much I've changed since he left six months ago, I'm amazed - I'm very different now, but I think that's because I'm just being 'me', rather than his wife!

 

Hopefully this will be a positive thing for you, MissSMcc, and will help you to move forward after your break-up.

[treerat]

But it's right that you do change when you are in a relationship, though. When you are alone you can be more selfish, do what you want when you want etc. When you are with someone you must, of course, change your behaviour. It would be thoroughly disrespectful to carry on acting as if you were single.

 

I understand what you are saying about how you becone totally immersed and loose sight of you, but you haven't really. You've only lost sight of single you. Both single you and coupled you are awesome, and don't forget that. But biologically we need to become our coupled personality in order to fall in love and procreate. Enjoy being single now, and look back on it fondly when you pair up again, but don't think you have lost yourself because youve been in a relationship and did not act as single you would.

[MissSMcc]

thanks, i agree with both of you. it was just such a shock finding all those forgotten photos and everything, seems like a lifetime ago. i think a long term relationship can become so much of your personality, and how you define yourself when it ends it can feel like part of you is missing, and remembering how i was before it reminded me of how big that part was if that makes sense.