Father's death caused absolute mess in the family, mother issues, need advice.

[BrandyGirl]

Hi, really need advice here, please.

 

I am originally from a small town, I'm 20 yrs old now. I left home to go to college in a city. While my father was alive, he said to me that I could always come home during hard times and I could get up on my feet if I needed to after college (I never thought I would need the help after all I should be able to get a job after college). But things didn't go as I planned, on the last day of graduation, I lost my part time job and could not longer afford my apartment, I was getting low on money and the money I saved which was like $1000 was going to be soon gone on my rent. Plus to top it off the economy went downhill too and was trying to apply for -any- job, but was getting nothing.

 

Anyhow, during that time I was debating to going back to my parents house a very small town of like maybe 2,000 people, that's how small it is, (no jobs other than a 6 dollar stores and 1 Mc Donalds) or staying in the city were jobs were more abundant but with the possibility of ending up homeless, due to not affording my rent after losing my part time job. I weighed my options and I wanted to go back home, due to the fact I had no security and wanted to prevent being homeless in a city I hardly knew. I called my mother and father and told them my situation, they were fine they would be more than happy to have me come back home. My father said he understood that sometimes we need help to spread our wings. So I boxed up my stuff and was getting to move the next coming month...

 

....Then...

My mother called me with the news about dad's death (Lung cancer), she was hysterial, crying on the phone, saying she couldn't help me, that I had to stay there and tough it out on my own, she didn't care if I ended up homeless or not, despite what dad said to me. And that she was moving to my sister's house (who is a nutcase by the way) because she could no longer afford her apartment due to dad's death, she received nothing from his death and spent all her savings on his cremation. And she said my "sister" would not take me in, too many people for a 2 bedroom apartment. My mother also told my father's son (40 year old, my step-brother) who was living with her and dad (all his life without paying rent until he got the care provider job 2 years ago taking care of my dad), that he needed to leave too. With both being there I didn't see why they couldn't afford the apartment.

So I was like fine, I'll tough it out in the city on my end, what comes may come. After that I was internally fighting with myself to cut all connections with her and my sister forever due to the fact they both abandoned me like that. I thought families do not abandon their family in hard times, they stick together and go hand in hand with the hard time. I don't have kids or plan to, but if I ever did, I would never abandon my kids in a hard time. I wouldn't even dream of doing that to my dogs either.

 

....So...

So as I said, I was planning to tough it out on my own. She calls me a week after, again, hysterically crying, saying that she wants me to come home (she doesn't want to be alone), that she's not moving to my sisters, because apparently she and my father's (40 year old son) did have more than enough funds to stay in the apartment and between them they both agreed to stay. So, I was like, are you sure, you wont change your mind, she said yes. Feeling reassured, I spent about $500 to move to the small town to my mother's, I thought things would be better when I get my feet up.

 

....Horrible things happened...

When I finally moved in, everything was fine for about a month, then I found out my mother hated my father's (40 year old son) and all of a sudden, and apparently he was stealing her pills and getting drugged up on them, my mother then started to tell me, that he might "suddenly leave" in the next few months. And sure enough he left about 2 months ago, high and dry, left and never came back. So we are barely skimming by with her social security, to pay for the apartment and electric. So panic settles in and I sell my all of my most precious items got about $2,000 and actually handed the money to my mother to contribute for food. I told her to shut the internet and the TV/cable worth $140 a month and cut her exorbitant cigarette habit worth about $50 a month we need to start conserving money, as much money as we can. If we can't afford it why have it. She refuses and refuses! She get's angry with me and even laughs at me as if to say I'm ridiculous, she said she'd be "staring at four walls" if she cut the tv off. She's been using the $2,000 I gave her to Cable,Internet,Cigarettes,Food, Gas for HER car not mine. I wanted the ($2,000 to go to food only, she did not respect my wishes, I regret handing her money.) But yes, the money depleted extremely fast out of the $2,000 she only had $200 left. She would have had more if she didn't spend it on frivolous things.

 

Her idea...

She figured she needs a job. She used my money to get a GED, I was ok with that part of it, $150 for the test. I gave her manuals and booklets I found for her on the internet. She passed, and got a grant to go to adult school, so she's still taking classes for a CNA degree. I am proud of her, but she should have done this A LONG time ago, not when dad died. Really. What was she thinking.

 

.....Meanwhile...

I tried to convice her to move into a cheaper apartment to save money. She refuses, she keeps saying if we can skim by we should stay in this apartment. I say no, because once the last $200 deplete she will rely on me for money and I already gave her a crap load of money, I no longer have enough to contribute, I contribute when I can. I came back home to pick myself from the ground, not continue to run myself without money. I might as well be homeless.

 

.....Dreams slashed....

So far, every job phone interview I've had up to this point that I went to college for, ironically, is from the same city I left from, and because I lived far away I couldn't get the job. It was torture, the opportunity was there, but I had no funds to move for my dream job right then and there. If I would have had the $2000 I could have moved my mother and me with a better stable job. All problems would have been solved. So I figured my dilemma now is to -save money- to move back to the city and finally be able to get the job I want because a small town has nothing to offer. Since my father son left, I can't save money at all. Plus my mother drives me nuts, she's now so different since dad's death.

 

.....Got a job, well not a good one....

Anyhow, the only job I found in this small town was Mc Donalds so far it was the only place that would hire me with my college degree (bachelors), it's not even fulltime either 4 hours a week at a rate of $8. And now that the $200 left from the $2,000 had finally depleted, my mother now wants my measly $128 dollars I make from Mc Donalds a month to pay for tv/internet/food/her gas. At this point I am not saving anything to eventually move back to the city and even if I were to have another phone interview, I can't pay to move for the job. And even if I were give my $128 to my mother, she would not listen to me. She would not conserve, she will not cut off the tv/cable/internet and her cigarette habits or move to a cheaper apartment. I tried talking to her as calmly and nice as possible but she get's all pissed off and yells about it, she somehow takes offense for being so absurd. She thinks TV and Internet and Cigarettes are a necessity in life like it is something you can't live without.

 

....Backstabbing...

Turns out my own mother trash talks about me when things don't go her way, to my sister, saying that I don't want to contribute money in the house. How childish of her, I would think mothers would keep this type of stuff to themselves instead of gossiping. My sister, then calls one day while my mother is at school, telling me that I am a bad daughter, that I'm selfish, that I need to give my money for food (when I contributed $2000 for food selling my most precious items). I told her, my point of view. Regardless, I am always wrong to my sister, "mom is always right." But like I said, this is coming from my sister, who one time wanted to take her old pregnant dog to the pound because she had a baby and no longer wanted the older dog (which I took in the pregnant dog when I had money, and still have her, made sure all her puppies went to good homes) then shortly after I took her dog, my sister BUYS a puppy for the baby (unfortunately, I couldn't save that one, she eventually took that puppy to the pound when it got an eye infection). My sister also yells at her kid while on the phone and constantly fights with her hubby (who has called the cops on her before for hitting him but is still with him), and calls randomly at midnight because her hubby cheats on her. I think she might be bipolar, seriously. I pity her adorable daughter.

 

.....Mental Issues?...

While living here, I also learned that my mother developed some kind of mental problem after dad's death. She makes up stories about dad or herself and lies about mostly everything, she tells me stories about my childhood that never happened. She never used to fabricate stories or make up fake memories.

 

....In her mind the events change...

She always says "Don't ever force someone doing what they don't want to do, because in the end, they'll blame you making the decision." So she changes her story about what really happened.

While in an argument with me, she said that she told me ahead of time before I even stepped foot into her house that my father's (40 year old son) was going to leave and that I knew this ahead of time. So I walked into this knowing that he was going to leave. Which is completely fabricated in her mind. What really happened as I said before was she was crying on the phone and gave me the ok to come home, because she and my father's (40 year old son) agreed to stay together and had enough funds for the apartment. I thought I was coming here to get my feet off the ground, not become an permanent income replacement to keep contributing to this apartment. I came here because I had no money. Specially when she's not respecting my wishes and ALWAYS thinks she's right. She makes no sense making things up. I can hardly believe this is my mother.

 

...Wishing...

I can't wait to get a better job! I try my best to find one, but in this economy everyone is struggling even ones WITH degrees. $128 a month is what I get from Mc Donalds, which is really used for gas for my crappy car every month, yet my mother wants that money. When she does not even try, cutting off resources she does not need. I am very pissed about this and she knows it, I need gas to drive to work you know. I also need to save money to leave to a city, that's where the real jobs are for my degree. I feel tricked into coming home, the fact that my father's son left us high and dry, the fact that he just vanished one day was like, * * * . (By the way 40 year old son who's always lived with my parents, yeah, with no high school diploma either.) I hate the cycle of poverty. I remain positive though. I hope the economy gets better. If I get the job I went for in college, my mother wouldn't even have worry about anything, nor would I. But she just doesn't get it, she doesn't even try conserving.

 

...Advice...

Well, that is the reason why I came to this forum, I need advice. My life is in shambles. And if you read this far, all I can say is thanks, maybe there is someone out reading this willing to give my lost soul some advice.

What should I do? What would you do?(I would like to hear your take) What should I tell my mother? Anything at all? Any thoughts?

[Lonewing]

1) You keep applying for a better job elsewhere.

2) You look at your car and figure out how you can live in it.

3) You make it back every Honest way that you can.

4) Where does not matter - as long as you have gas and your car runs, you can make it.

 

Your mother will have to figure out her life - but she can't as long as you're there to give her money.

 

You have my deepest sympathy - Fly high, and the best be with you!