Ex misses me soo much!

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

Ex went back to her ex bf almost a year ago. I started initiating more and more NC about 6 months ago. We're now to the point that I don't see her much anymore. Now for whatever reason--maybe her bf doesn't show this kind of love to her--but she has always adored the fact that I love her so much. When I would send her romantic emails (after the breakup) she would be completely moved. She wanted also so badly to spend more time with me. Even 9 months after the breakup she would be HAPPY, utterly HAPPY that I still loved her to that degree. She would bask in my pain (the proof that I loved her). She would see that I was sad that she goes to see him (he's LD) and she would actually come to see me, and ask if I was ok, and SMILE at my pain! She would smile at my pain, not because she's sadistic, but because she loves the fact that I love her so much. She so badly wants that love from me, but she hasn't left bf. (It also seemed that she wanted me to fight for her 6 months ago, and I'm also fairly sure about this, but not certain.)

 

So the process was this:

 

-She would see me once in a while and was sooo happy--my aloofness was proof that I was hurting, so she would be so happy when she saw me. She knew that I was avoiding her because I was in a lot of pain. She apologized to me for not understanding that I "need time alone."

-Time passed and now she's mad at me. Either she's worried that I really have moved on, that I'm playing games, or shes mad that I don't love her like I used to and it bothers her.

 

Now to the question. I haven't seen her in a month. And before that another month. We are almost to our one year anniversary of our breakup and she badly wants me to email her and AT LEAST to say hi, and maybe to tell her I love her (based on how she always needed constant validation of my love). This desire is fairly strong, I won't tell you how I know, but trust me, I know. And if you're thinking that it's because of the anniversary, well it's not. The last time I saw her she also wanted fairly badly for me to contact her.

 

Now a part of me feels really bad. She is CONSTANTLY disappointed by not seeing me (yes she also tries to see me too) and not hearing from me. I know this level of NC could be seen as avoidance and could be detrimental. But she is moving to be with bf in about 2 months and I'm not going to set myself up for more pain. She has to break down and want me back.

 

 

She'll probably leave, but I'm not going to coax her back into my life. She has a personality that puts up a strong facade, but deep down she's a little insecure girl that is afraid of rejection by her first love, but still doesn't want to lose me (I think). If she doesn't break down and call me then this desire really isn't all that strong. Right?

 

Opinions?

[alyira]

My ex is the same way. He was the dumper also, and he claims he doesn't love me "that way" anymore, but whenever I try to NC him, he emails me and talks to me on MSN like crazy. Basically, I think ex's that react that way feel a big void where you used to be in their life, even when they start dating someone else, and you become their comfort zone. They need to know SOMEONE still loves them no matter what. It's kinda a codependency. It makes it a lot harder for us, the dumpees to deal with the breakup as well, because even when we do stay in contact and be their friend, they're impeding our healing by getting but not giving confirmations of love out of us. And of course, if you're like me, and you sound like it, this person hurt you but you're still madly in love with them, so we keep foolishly giving out confirmations of love, hoping they will see the light and come back.

 

 

I can't give ya too much advice hun, because I'm struggling with this same scenario too. But you're doing good with not seeing her in person. If she's with someone else, she can't have her cake and eat it too. Just remember that.

 

Good luck,

Britt

[bzborow1]

You need to understand that a good number of women would rather you die lonely, alone, and loving her then actually moving on with your life. She's basically told you it's nice that you like her, and when she needs attention she'll come to you for it....so why do you even want her in your life at all?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!!!!! You don't need a rocket scientist to realize this is not going to end good.

[DaniNYC21]

I totally agree with bzborrow1. It seems that when men break up with you...it is for the most part a clean break. Most want you to move on...to be happy...they still harbor nostalgic feelings towards your relationship. Now I don't want all the girls on here getting angry on me but some girls are very difficult in the breaking up process. Obviously they are going to be difficult if they were the ones being dumped...that is normal. However, sometimes even if they are the one doing all the dumping they can still be difficult. Women love attention and are ruled by emotions. Love poems...songs...all that good stuff tugs at our heart strings. You have openly said that she enjoys to see you in pain because that means you still love her and she wants you to love her. You said that she is mad that you have not contacted her in a month. Why? Because she wants to see you in more pain? Before you even think about contacting her (I am strongly against it) ask yourself a question. What kind of person would enjoy seeing someone that they once loved in pain? Is that the kind of person you really want to be with?

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

Yeah you're all very right. And I'm not going to contact her. I just wanted some opinions. I think this actually happens less when women are more secure. The problem is though that she's not very secure when it comes to relationships. She's just wanting what she cant have, or realizing that the grass isn't greener on the other side. So you're all so right.

 

But I hope you don't mind if I take a little more optimistic slant to this situation. Sure she may be doing all this because she's insecure, but I think there's a little more for me there actually. If it was just insecurity/wanting to be loved issue then she wouldn't:

 

Be so unhappy with her bf (they argue all the time, and pretty bad sometimes)

Come on as strong as she is with me..

Have so many doubts about future with bf.

Want me to fight for her.

End a phone conversation with bf so that she could talk to me.

Say things like, "My feelings may change in the future." Although this was a few months ago.

AND Actually RISK (on several occasions) spending time with bf (sometimes up to a week) for the CHANCE that I might want to spend time with her (this happened on several occasions almost a year later).

 

Again please don't ask me how I know these things. So why not come back to me? Well obviously something is working for the moment (fear of rejection, so much history, he's dedicated, could be a number of reasons, but it doesn't have to be because they're madly in love, or because he's the better man). But I'm sure, like me, you've heard stories about breakers calling up breakees months/years later. I'm actually doing hardcore NC (I could see her every day if I wanted to) based on a couple of other stories I got form this board.

 

Basically the girl was with someone else, and she so badly wanted to contact her ex but it took a long time (7 months in one case, and over a year in another case). She was basically in denial for this time. But every day they would almost pick up the phone to call ex.

 

I'm not saying I'm in the exact situation. But just to defend my ex here. What kind of person would enjoy seeing someone they once loved in pain? Why would I want someone like that in my life?

 

She's a confused little girl inside, living with insecurities, and fear of rejection from her manipulative bf. She's a little girl inside. She doesn't know what she wants. And her feelings can change, or she can realize that she's "loved me all along" (i hope). (You've heard that phrase before right?) I'm not going to fault her for wanting a love that her bf can't provide. She's made many mistakes, and maybe she'll never realize any these feelings. They'll probably fade one day. But that doesn't mean that I don't have a piece of her heart.

 

Sorry I'm going to hold out for a more optimistic view of my ex (who none of you know BTW .

[bzborow1]

Say things like, "My feelings may change in the future." Although this was a few months ago.

 

Seems the only one in denial or confusion here is you. Yes it's nice to look for the good in people, but at what expense? For me, I see a good guy using his brain against him. Women are not wired to be rational when it comes to relationships, they go with what they're gut tells them. Hence the reason many stick w/abusive guys just because they're attracted to them.

 

You need to stop analyzing what she's telling you or what she's feeling when she's not around you and start looking at her actions. And from your posts they include (but are not limited to):

 

- being possessive over your life despite the fact u 2 r not together

- shown you she's happy when you're in pain

- dumped you for whatever reason

- dating (living with??) new BF

 

Actions speak louder than words, and her actions tell me she's moved on and is using you as a backup. Besides, by pandering to whatever she wants she'll only think less of you. Be firm and look out for number 1 (that's you).

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

Boy BZ sounds like you've been hurt pretty bad in the past.

 

Denial? Maybe, maybe not. Only time will tell. But I'm sure that someone who knows her, and has dealt with her actions for over the year is better to judge her actions than someone who got a half a page synopsis on my situation. I gave you like 5 other "actions", as you call them, and you didn't even touch them. But I can see where you're coming from: anything less than a "I made a mistake, I love you" speech will mean she has no feelings whatsoever in your eyes .

 

She hasn't been possessive. I hope I didn't say that. Maybe that's why you're taking such a pessimistic slant.

Is there no benign reasons why she might show happiness to my pain. Any AT ALL?

Dumped me. You're giving me evidence from the simple fact that she dumped me. Ok now this is the worst of all. Have you EVER heard the phrases "My feelings have changed.", "I've thought about you every day." or "I made a big mistake." Can anyone EVER make a mistake when it comes to a relationship. Can they EVER have psychological issues? Is EVERY choice to breakup, or leave someone ALWAYS CORRECT? And the same goes for dating new bf. And btw I haven't seen her in months. I am only analyzing her actions from a distance. Reread my posts where I keep saying, "Don't ask me how I know" .

 

 

Bz I think your applying your situation to mine or something like that. I know what you think though. You see one thing about her smiling when I'm in pain and you immediately think she's evil. Don't get me wrong, she has some problems to deal with. But I have a better view of people then you do I guess. Looking our for number one? Sometimes love means loving someone more than you love yourself. Sorry your wrong on this one.

 

Like I said. I'll admit that it's possible that I'm in denial. Can you admit that maybe you're wrong in your analysis? Isn't it even POSSIBLE???

 

take care.

 

---------

The hardest thing is to not hate your ex for what happened. People are largely a product of a million factors beyond their control. The one's that can realize this and forgive despite the pain are surely gods among men.

[shockeddismayed]

If it was just insecurity/wanting to be loved issue then she wouldn't:

 

Be so unhappy with her bf (they argue all the time, and pretty bad sometimes)

Come on as strong as she is with me..

Have so many doubts about future with bf.

Want me to fight for her.

End a phone conversation with bf so that she could talk to me.

Say things like, "My feelings may change in the future." Although this was a few months ago.

AND Actually RISK (on several occasions) spending time with bf (sometimes up to a week) for the CHANCE that I might want to spend time with her (this happened on several occasions almost a year later).

 

.......

 

She's a little girl inside. She doesn't know what she wants.

 

Hey... here is an outside perspective from a fellow optimist...

 

I quoted a few of your points that I think are VERY dangerous for you.

 

First... ALL of those actions are EXACTLY how an insecure girl would act where her doting EXBF is concerned. ALL of those actions could easily be due to her inability to know what she wants and her consuming need for attention. The reason she comes on strong could easily be to see your reaction. The reason she wants you to fight is to stroke her ego. The reason her relationship is on the rocks with her new BF could be because she doesn't know WHO SHE IS. She can never love anyone until she can love herself first. YOU CANNOT DO THIS FOR HER.

 

It is very likely that her relationship with her new BF is on the verge of failing for the same reason her relationship with you failed... HER INSECURITY. And that is the same reason why it could fail again EVEN IF she comes back to you.

 

I also highlighted you last line where you basically UNDERSTAND exactly what her problem is... yet you cite it as a reason why she is worth going back to. THAT IS SO WRONG. That is the EXACT reason why you SHOULD NOT EVEN CONSIDER going back to her right now... and shouldn't consider waiting either.

 

Until you see STRONG evidence that she has changed her ways... stopped manipulating you and others... gained her own voice and security... I would get out of her life. Let her grow up on her own and turn up at your door as a confident, secure, beautiful (to your eyes) woman who KNOWS who she wants. Trust me... when she knows she will be there. And won't that be a nice surprise!!

 

Whenever you discuss "how she might be feeling" as an excuse for her behaviour, you forget two important things:

1) You don't know for sure, thereforeeee you need to be EXTREMELY cautious.

2) You risk sounding as though you aren't able to be objective and look at this situation from YOUR OWN perspective... you are trying to look at it through her eyes and make everything she has done, and worse yet is STILL doing to you, ok.

 

It's a trap. Don't stay caught in it.

 

I can tell you that I have experience with this same thing, so I feel for you... I really do. My EX also has some security issues. But here is the big difference... we've talked about it... she is seeing counselling and we've both agreed not to try again until she feels she is grounded and not likely to do the same destructive things she did before.

 

Until you see some signs of growth and maturity from your EX, I would steer clear.

 

Before you say it... you are right... I don't know her... you know her best. But ask yourself... what do your parents or mature friends think about all of this? Are they giving you advice to steer clear of her?

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

Hey... here is an outside perspective from a fellow optimist...

 

First... ALL of those actions are EXACTLY how an insecure girl would act where her doting EXBF is concerned. ALL of those actions could easily be due to her inability to know what she wants and her consuming need for attention. The reason she comes on strong could easily be to see your reaction. The reason she wants you to fight is to stroke her ego. The reason her relationship is on the rocks with her new BF could be because she doesn't know WHO SHE IS. YOU CANNOT DO THIS FOR HER.

 

 

You may have A explination (one I'm willing to accept), but maybe not THE explanation. Let me tell you another one. She is showing the symptoms of a girl that wants to go back to her ex that she hasn't seen in months, but is too afraid to at the moment because of all the commitment and because it seems like (in her eyes) he hates her. Now doesn't that explain every single symptom? Doesn't it?

 

Actually I don't really believe this. Things w/ bf can't be that bad or she would have left him. (Well at least I hope so.) I'm just showing you that if I'm guilty of infering feelings from her actions as you put it (or did i?), then you're guilty of the exact same thing . We are both wondering "how she might be feeling" and we both have evidence to work with. There is little difference.

 

But what you might have missed your analysis:

 

I haven't seen her in months. So why would she come on strong? I haven't seen her in months, so why would she try and get a reaction out of me. I know that shes acting like this even when I'm not around. Listen, like I said before. She wants me to contact her and she doesnt even know that I know that. It's not like she's trying to get a reaction out of me to feed her insecurities anymore.

 

But one last thing. How is your case with your ex different than mine? Can't I act the EXACT same way as your acting. Do I HAVE to "get out of her life" as you put it? It just seems a little hipocrytical to me.

 

And about that last line. I didn't say I was going back to her because she was a little girl did I? I said that to defend her from everyone's pesimistic view of her.

 

But you're right. I do think you hit on a lot of points why she's acting the way she's acting. My friends have mentioned things similar to what you're saying. But they recognize the fact that I shouldn't hate her, as some seem to imply, and that mabye I should at least be her friend if she ever asks this of me, as you seem to be doing with your ex. I mean what's the difference between our two situations? Because I'm going to go back to her? Reread the thread again. I have explictly said that I will NOT contact her. I hope you didn't mean this.

 

But hell. I'm probably wrong about all this anyways

 

take care.

[shockeddismayed]

Dude,

 

You are VERY defensive. Nobody on this board is out to get you. In fact we don't even know you. You came here for an outside, unbiased opinion, and you are getting it.

 

As for me citing my own situation, if you care to re-read what I wrote... I AGREED with you that the situations ARE very similar. The difference I cited is that I have actually spoken to my EX about her and our issues. I know where things stand... so I am not reacting to or interpretting mixed messages from afar. And for the record, the choice I have made is exactly what I advised to you... steer clear until she figures herself out... if that happens great, but I am not putting my life on hold.

 

If you want to talk to your EX, that is certainly an option for you, and perhaps given your situation, it would be a helpful one.

 

Just keep in mind that the reason you are getting the reactions you are getting is b/c of what YOU described to us. And what you described does not sound healthy. This girl is not being fair to you... and you know that, because you told us that.... then you proceeded to make excuses for her behaviour.

 

I'll be quite frank and say that I almost hit the roof when you told us she acted happy to see you in pain. That's one of the most selfish things I've ever heard. I'm sure that is one of the things that BZ was reacting to as well.

 

Any emphasis in these posts is directed for your benefit. There is no need for you to go into attack mode.

[bzborow1]

Exactly. It's not your job to raise them, it's your job to date them...and this chick has some serious issues. Basically what I think it boils down to is you need to say, "screw her needs...I have needs of MY OWN"...wutever those needs are...they come first...not hers.

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

Dude,

 

You are VERY defensive.

 

Woah wait a sec. I'm sorry if I cant communicate properly but I didn't think I was attacking you, I said:

 

"But you're right. I do think you hit on a lot of points why she's acting the way she's acting"

 

How is that attacking you? Reread my post in a calm voice. Just because I disagree with you doesn't mean I'm going "into attack mode".

 

And as for our situations, yes you did agree they were similar, you also told me to "stay out of her life" and didn't mention to "[talk] to my EX about her and our issues" as you have done. That's the ONLY reason I disagreed with you said you weren't practicing what you preach.

 

Listen. I may be bad at communicating my point, and I'm sorry. Don't confuse my rhetorical style with anger. I reread it, and if I don't assume anything it doesn't really seem bad. But I'm sure I don't have the most disinterested of viewpoints. But just tell me what made you think that I was "in attack mode" and I'll apologize for it.

 

take care.

[shockeddismayed]

right...

 

I was biased by your earlier response to BZ... where you called him on being "hurt by someone really bad".

 

It should be obvious that everyone on that board is in that situation, and your remark was uncalled for IMO. This post was supposed to be about you.

 

After taking that bias and reading your posts, I felt you were in denial about the crappy way your ex is treating you, and that you were making excuses for her behaviour.

 

My first impression was to say you should cut all contact. My hunch is still that is best... I have rarely seen someone describe EX behaviour that is as self centred as your EX's, so I thought it would be better if you let her figure herself out and steer clear of her.

 

That advice still stands. However your next post seemed to reject it... that's fine. So my second advice is to show back up in her life and see what happens. My honest opinion is that this girl is not ready to give you what you deserve, but only you are in a position to make that decision.

 

What I would think is unfortunate is if you continue to sit on the outside trying to guess at her behaviour and make excuses for the way she's treated (and treating) you..... then there would be too people who aren't being fair to you.

 

Good luck

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

No it's not obvious at all. There are magnitudes of pain. And people who say we all go through the same amount of pain haven't really thought things through. Some people kill themselves over things like this, and some people who are with the other person for 10 years (or are married) probably go through a lot more pain than I will. And people who say things like

 

"You need to understand that a good number of women would rather you die lonely, alone, and loving her then actually moving on with your life."

 

Seems to be to have gone through a lot more pain than me. It's just an observation. That's all.

 

Actually, I never said I rejected any of your advice yet, I was just disagreeing with some of the things you said. I told everyone here that I will NOT be contacting her anytime soon, and the plan still stands.

 

But I did think about why some seem to make my ex out worse than I do. I think I did a horrible job at explaining. It's not like I was on a bench sad an she came by and laughed at me lol. What happened was I found out she went to see her bf, I went somewhere, she joined me later and asked, "are you ok" and she seemed to be smiling when she did that. Also when I first started heavy NC when she did see me she was very happy. She would comment on how I had to leave right after seeing her. She associated this aloofness with trying to get her out of my head, with still loving her--which she adores(for bad or worse). Later when she saw that I wasn't just playing any games, this happiness turned into bitterness. She resented me for not contacting her anymore (and she stopped calling me). She associated my aloofness with either "falling out of love" or actively hating her, giving up on a friendship, so she defended against that. Now most of this is conjecture, but I know something that isn't. She really desires to hear from me. Independent of ever seeing me she wants to hear from me. Now I'm not saying this would ever be enough to get her back. There is something about ex that will keep her there unless it fails one day. But wanting to hear from (and see) your ex to this degree a year after breaking up and months after even seeing him is better than the cases where someone is "moving on." All I wanted is an opinion (hopefully female) that would tell me the difference between missing someone and wanting them back. I realize that by trying to be terse I sorta left out all the important stuff.

 

thanks for the luck... I'LL NEED IT!

[the_tiger_striped_cat]

By the way. I do want to apologize. This isn't the first time that someone has accused me of attacking them. I think I really need to find a better way to be more descriptive or write without CAPS for emphasis. or stop asking rhetorical questions or something.