Opening Up Hurts...

[brtlangst]

This is a letter I wrote to friend...I guess I'm just trying to be honest with myself for a change.. comments would be nice...sorry it's rather long. But it's kinda my life story.

 

 

Dear Jessica,

 

I'm not sure why I'm writing this, I felt compelled to express my true feelings. I guess I never really explained who I was because I don't really understand that myself. All I know is that I've always been this way.

 

Let's start by when I was a child. I never had many friends and i kept to myself. My father would lock himself up in "computer room" and not talk to me. Even though I was young I still remember it. My parents began to fight and my mother became a sad, lonely person. They told e they were getting a divroce. That was the only time I saw my father cry. I didn't know what had gone on between them but I think I blamed myself to some degree.

 

I continued through school with only two friends that I hardly ever saw. I remember not talking much, if any at school only to come home to a mother that was always crying to get on the computer and chat with people online. Myabe that's where I learnt to be so dramatic to get attention, from the girls that said they wanted to die online. Whnever I saw my father it was very akward. I would play EverQuest all day or sit and watch TV when I was with him. On the bright said I got a little closer to my father.

 

Still up to this point I had no clue why my parents had gotten divorced, I think I blamed my mother some because of the way my father talked about her. I don't remember much, I tried to block it out.

 

From my cousin, Allison, I found out that my father had an affair. I was shocked, and I kept it inside for atleast a year that I know and ended up breaking down one night with my mother and told her.

 

So only recently my mother told me why they got back together. My dad had pushed her away when his brother died, he told her he never loved her. But that really wasn't true. My mom and dad went to my councellor which I had been seeing for a few years and talked. My dad eventually said he loved my mom and not Holly. So they worked things out and here they are today.

 

Before I knew this I figured they got back together because of me. ANd everytime my mom cired and they fought I thought it was going to happen again. I blamed their fights on me.

 

In the meantime I had gotten to know Eirc who seemed to understand me. But he couldn't deal with my depression. He would ignore me when I was sad. I then met Nick over the internet and told him EVERYTHING about me. When we finally met I realized how me and Eric coudln't work. I was devistated. Eric had cut himself because of me and I started too, but I couldn't stop. I was an emotional wreck. I had lost all my other friends when I had dumped Eric. So i clung to nick, the only persn I had who knew me better than I knew myself. He was my other half. HE taught me all the things I had done wrong and got me to open up to the world. He taught me about myself. But I was too caught up in myself to noice his problems. HIs grades dropped and he began to feel unloved. To sho him how much I cared I was physical with him because I have always had a hard time expressing my emotion. He felt like I was using him and dumped me. All the time that we were dating I always worried he would cheat on me or leave me alone like my mother had been left alone. But in doing that I messed up our trust and sent the relationship to hell. He pushed me away just like my father pushed my mother away. It hurt like hell to have somebody do that to me.

 

I was deivstaed, I had lost everything, AGAIN. SO I clung onto YOU, the only person I had left. I felt like you knew me but I wasn't ready to open up again, I didn't want to mess things up with you. But in doing that I pushed you away as well.

 

The truth is I'm WEAK. I'm too emotional and I can never understand what is bothering me until it's too late. I hate being this weak and I hate being hurt by people. That's why I don't open up. I don't trust people. But by trying to protect myself I push everyone away.

 

I'm sorry that I wasn't the best friend to you. But this is my attempt to fix the crap I've done by opening up. I don't know how many times I can open up to people, it takes a toll on me.

 

I hate myself because of the way I am and I see my problems in my mother and I try to correct both of our mistakes in her. That's why I treat her like crap. We both are too submissive. And we always seem to piss people off. It's gotten to the point where I'm afraid to say things to you because I'm afraid I'll hurt your feelings or piss you off.

 

I'm sorry I said all those mean things to you to push you away. In the end I'm just scared of being alone and depressed like I was when my parents were separated.

 

I always look for people that udnerstand me. But when they understand me they tend to go away because of who/what I really am. I'm just scared that will happen with you but by being afraid I pushed you away as well.

 

I'm sorry,

Amie

[avman]

That must have been very hard for you to write this. I know its a risk to tell someone everything thats happened to you and how you feel about things. But it does bring you closer to that person.

 

It looks like you've learned a lot through all of this. I'm sorry you had to go through this. But I think its really good that you are explaining this to your friend. She may have a better understanding now of who you are and why you do and say the things that you do.

 

Good luck Amie. I hope things work out.

[brtlangst]

Thanks...but I don't really think she got the letter....she didn't say much about it.. *sigh* atleast I learnt more about myself while writing it.

[Scout]

Well - we recognize the effort you made to write this exceptionally articulate letter. Yes, opening up is scary and can hurt. But, it sure beats being a closed up person who is absolutely out of touch with his or her own feelings.

[brtlangst]

Ouch okay...so my "friend" posted this on the forums but it got taken down due to language I guess. Either way I thought it'd be nice for people to see her reaction to my letter.

 

"Wow Amie, you sound so upset about what's happening. I left you a nice reply on enotalone, but they took it down because it was disrespectful. That's too bad, because I think it was good. So, I'll be "disrespectful" in your journal instead. You can delete it, but at least I'll know you read it.

 

I don't get why you're making such a big deal out of your letter. It meant pretty much NOTHING to me. All I heard from it was that you blame all your "problems" on your parents. It's not fair that you get to do that, but all my problems have to be all my fault. The things that are going on aren't entirely your fault, and I said that. Yes, they are mostly my fault.

 

I forget what else I wrote. Something along the lines of 'f* you'."

 

Yeah, it was kinda stupid, I think she was just trying to get me mad. Anyway I replied this...

 

Wow...nice...I didn't say it was my parents fault...I just said it affected me, I realize that now. I couldn't understand what it did to me when I was a child but the affects are still here. I don't get why you have to be so selfish sometimes, and I'm not going to delete this because I want everybody to see how much of a "friend" you really are.

 

F* you too Jessica ^^

 

 

Oh, and lastly, it really does bother me that I don't have anybody to hang out with but I got over it. I don't want people to read my journal and think I'm weak and I want their pitty, 'cuz I don't. If you're going to be mean about it so be it, but I'm not going to dwell on it. You seem awfully happy yourself.

 

 

I'm not trying to make this into a post just listing our arguments but I want some honest opinions on how I reacted and what she said. Be blunt, it doesn't bother me too much anymore. And lastly, please don't send her any pm's since she is a member of this forum, I dont' want this to be a hate chain

-Amie

[avman]

I'm afraid this is really just turning into a flame war between you two so I am locking this topic. Both of you really need to settle this in private.

 

avman