Irial's Healing Journal

[rosarioT]

I just keep on getting these glimpses of things that didn't even matter, like details. Something he said one day, something he used to do at lunch, absolutely unimportant routine things. But hell, does it make me feel horrible. I keep on trying to ignore it, but it comes back to me. I wonder if I should just let it come and suffer, and then go on. I suffer either way, but I don't let myself linger in the pain. I am not sure if that is a mistake though.

 

I'm going through the same and I hate how those random thoughts that i try to block right away can give me so much pain... Like u it is always a thought or flashback of something like what he used to clean the kitchen, or a word he'd say a lot, and I don't know either if I should let myself feel and process those thoughts or if I'm doing the right thing trying to ignore them.

 

I'm so proud of you for going NC for 2 weeks, you are so right about the way you describe your coping experience, I wish you strength, peace and joy!

[Irial]

I'm going through the same and I hate how those random thoughts that i try to block right away can give me so much pain... Like u it is always a thought or flashback of something like what he used to clean the kitchen, or a word he'd say a lot, and I don't know either if I should let myself feel and process those thoughts or if I'm doing the right thing trying to ignore them.

 

I'm so proud of you for going NC for 2 weeks, you are so right about the way you describe your coping experience, I wish you strength, peace and joy!

 

I'm sorry you're in the same situation as me! It's exactly like that. I haven't quite figured it out yet, if it's best to ignore or let it happen. I sometimes do a bit of both. I think it's best to balance between the two.

 

I wish you good luck in this! We'll get through it

[Irial]

Hey FwdThinker, I noticed you had avoided to respond but I figured I wouldn't push you if you didn't want to talk about it. I am glad you did want to share this with me, though!

 

I see how things are complicated for you two, and he did sound insensitive enough at the end. Something was wrong in your relationship if he acted like that to you, that's not nice! You guys never properly ended things, yet it seems that he was already "over it" when you were just starting to grasp it. I guess if you feel you can handle a phone call, you could ask him what he's going to do. Personally, I'd rather send a text or e-mail because it'd hurt too much to hear the person's voice. But I see so many people on this site who have no issues with that, so I'd say go ahead if you're comfortable with it. Maybe you do need one last conversation to get closure? Or do you feel like you are able to move on already? He seems like he's just not going to commit to this relationship so I guess that's motivation enough not to want him back, or do you still have some hopes that it will happen?

[fwdthinker]

Hi. Sorry for hijacking your thread and thanks for your response.

I would definitely have a hard time talking to him and hearing his voice.. Especially if I had to reach out to him. I feel he just dumped our relationship be the side of the road and left me to clean up the wreckage. As for text, I am sure he is not coming (99%) but do feel badly about how the whole thing has happened. I just feel totally devalued. I told myself if he texted or called one more time, then I would be willing to talk. But he never did. I just don't know what to do...will I feel better or worse???

[Irial]

Hi. Sorry for hijacking your thread and thanks for your response.

I would definitely have a hard time talking to him and hearing his voice.. Especially if I had to reach out to him. I feel he just dumped our relationship be the side of the road and left me to clean up the wreckage. As for text, I am sure he is not coming (99%) but do feel badly about how the whole thing has happened. I just feel totally devalued. I told myself if he texted or called one more time, then I would be willing to talk. But he never did. I just don't know what to do...will I feel better or worse???

 

Feel free to hijack my thread anytime

Maybe you should take some time to write down a letter for him, in which you explain all you felt and you say goodbye properly. Telling him what went wrong and how you don't like how it ended at all. Then you can send it when you feel it's complete?

The fact he never reached out to you means he probably wants space, but a letter isn't really that pushy if you ask me. I don't know if you'll feel better or worse, only you can know that. But if you can't find peace right now, maybe you need to go through "feeling worse" (if that's what the text would cause) to get better. Of course I am just speculating here, I am not really sure unfortunately, what the right thing for you is

 

Stay strong though! And again, feel free to post here or PM me anytime

[WhatSetsUs]

Hi. Sorry for hijacking your thread and thanks for your response.

I would definitely have a hard time talking to him and hearing his voice.. Especially if I had to reach out to him. I feel he just dumped our relationship be the side of the road and left me to clean up the wreckage. As for text, I am sure he is not coming (99%) but do feel badly about how the whole thing has happened. I just feel totally devalued. I told myself if he texted or called one more time, then I would be willing to talk. But he never did. I just don't know what to do...will I feel better or worse???

 

I'm sorry that you're hurting fwdthinker. It's really unfortunate that your ex won't just step up and give you the closure you need. It shows that he's pretty weak and not really a stand-up guy (just my opinion, of course). I think you enabled him to take the easy way out by not having to formally explain why he's leaving you. I mean he made it clear in his actions what he wanted, but for some reason he just couldn't tell you. I think he didn't want to hurt you so he tried to soften it by asking you to be "friends."

 

I think you'll have to decide whether or not formal closure is important to you. For me personally, it was better to know that my relationship was done for good rather than holding on to any lingering hope. How could I move on if I still had "hope" that we could eventually get back together? I think Irial is right in saying you might have to let things get worse (i.e. contacting him and accepting the breakup) before you can shake things off and get better.

 

Hopefully you feel better.

[WhatSetsUs]

Hey Irial, feeling any better today?

 

Dreams of the ex tend to really get me down, so hopefully you're doing ok

[fwdthinker]

Thanks WhatSetUs and Irial. I guess I have this thought that he did try to talk to me, and I avoided it. He tried 3 times, and I never called. So, did he just give up? Did I hurt him? Is he waiting for ME to call?

 

Why are we breaking up? Because he never did fully commit to us the way he said he would, said he wanted to do, etc. He never ever had the right "spirit" about the relationship. At first I was the best thing that ever happened to him. As time went on, and I wanted the same kind of love and attention and affection, he became obstinate, detached, passive aggressive. We would argue. He would start acting loving and caring and tender again. Round and round. He had a lot of pressures too. Real ones. I acknowledged that and tried to help him see that much of his pressure he put on himself by not making a plan to change things for the better. (example - his crappy job). One minute he would thank me and say how great it was to have someone so giving and solid,. next minute, it's my fault he is not doing well, he needs to focus on his job and stop texting me. (wow, texting is SOOO time consuming, right? NOT).

 

He seemed to view our "love" and relationship as a burden that he was angry about having to carry; instead of a lucky blessing. We talked about this many times. I never understood his veiled hostility and or detachment. And on the other hand, he could be the sweetest most tender and loving soul ever. It was just Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, constantly. And it turned me into this clingy, needy half-version of my usually strong self.

 

At any rate, I know why he left. I know he think he gave his best, and maybe he did. But it wasn't given with a loving heart. And that will kill anything and everything, every time. And truth be told, I was very, very harsh with him too. I regret that. I was so frustated! I could not understand why he continued to say he wanted all these wonderful things in his life and with us; plans for our future together, but then never did anything concrete to make it happen. This turned me into the dreaded "nag" in his mind. A role I told him I did not appreciate having hung around my shoulders. So unfair. But, I wore it well. Even sadder. I felt like a drill sergeant. yet we also totally enjoyed doing nothing together, there were so many sweet times. And we had amazing passion and chemistry. I mean over the moon. What a confusing blur.

 

So, the question still remains. Did he want to talk to me? Did he think I rejected him? Do I call? Do I need to let him reject me ? Do I need to hear all his excuses one last time? He chalks it up to being "incompatible." I think that is the easy way out (which he has always preferred). I think it is just the words of a person who did not want to show up for the relationship and give his true love to me. He wanted to take the good from me, and then stick me back out of sight and go about his life all day.. come home, take my love and encouragement, go to sleep, and then go about his real life again. yet all the while saying - I lvoe you so much, you mean so much to me, you are so important in my life.

 

I feel like I have been on a horrible ride and I dont know how to get off. And I always did hate roller coasters.

[Irial]

Hey Irial, feeling any better today?

 

Dreams of the ex tend to really get me down, so hopefully you're doing ok

 

Hi WhatSetsUs,

 

I'm doing okay, thanks! Yeah the dreams suck sometimes, don't they? I've been having them so regularly I'm somewhat used to them, but they are so bad nonetheless. I hope sometimes soon I'll be free from the dreams, from the sadness and from any negative feelings, so I can get on with my life in a positive optimistic way, completely

[Irial]

FwdThinker, I don't think you hurt him. He clearly stated he won't commit to the relationship, so you just gave him what he was actually asking for!

 

I had a very very similar experience to you! First of all, we were also LD. Also, I felt exactly as you do. It seemed "our love and relationship were like a burden that he was angry about having to carry": that's precisely how I felt! And then there were the days in which he was totally sweet and loving (until the very last day!). And the fact he was so detached also lead me to be clingy, needy (although i didn't see it back then, but now I do, and I am pretty much disgusted about the way I was).

It really sucked to be with somebody who turns into this detached, angry person, didn't it?

 

I think if he wanted to talk to you bad enough, he'd have contacted you by now. If you need the call, call. My ex stated the same thing, that we were incompatible, and I also am sure that is just the easy way out. But it doesn't matter, does it? What matters is they wanted out. If you want to make things clear with him before moving on, do it. Think about it carefully, and consider all the possible scenarios. If you ever want this person back in your life as a friend, in the future, you might want to have one last conversation to settle the issues and then you can go your own way and move on. If you don't care about ever having contact with this person again, and you realize you can already move on, do! It is mostly up to you, nobody knows exactly what is going on inside your mind but you. Sometimes, though, when you aren't sure, it's best NOT to act and wait to reach a conclusion first (not rushing it!)

[fwdthinker]

Irial it just makes me angry to think your ex did that to sweet loving and wonderful you. You didn't deserve that! I hope you can really continue healing and thanks for letting me know I am not alone.

 

As for being his friend... He really doesn't get to have that based on his choices. That's what he loses... Me. All of me.

I'm going to try to stay strong and not call if I can help it..it will only feed his ego further. These next few days are tough. I'm going to be hanging around here so I don't do anything I regret. Time for some good old fashioned pride.

[Irial]

Irial it just makes me angry to think your ex did that to sweet loving and wonderful you. You didn't deserve that! I hope you can really continue healing and thanks for letting me know I am not alone.

 

As for being his friend... He really doesn't get to have that based on his choices. That's what he loses... Me. All of me.

I'm going to try to stay strong and not call if I can help it..it will only feed his ego further. These next few days are tough. I'm going to be hanging around here so I don't do anything I regret. Time for some good old fashioned pride.

 

Thank you FwdThinker. It saddens me you are in the same situation as many of us are, because most of us really don't deserve it.

 

If you don't care to be his friend, you can just stay away from him and leave it at that. It doesn't matter if you hurt him, he hurt you a lot too. What's past is past, time to look forward and think of a life without him only. It's a good idea that you keep on hanging around here, but remember that sometimes we all slip and you shouldn't be too hard on yourself if you feel you do need to make one last call to get the closure you deserve. Pride is very important at this stage, though. I think you definitely didn't deserve this and that your ex was some sort of big coward (as mine was), taking the easy way out by not even having "the talk" and just leaving the whole weight of making a move on your shoulders. I think you deserve better, and I hope you find it in the future!

He doesn't even deserve your time, if you ask me!

[fwdthinker]

Thanks Irial. I sent you a PM

[Irial]

So, another day has gone by. I feel okay. It's day 26 NC and every day my feeling that I'll be ready to be JUST friends with my ex soon enough becomes stronger. I think I am really letting go. I think I am really close to accepting everything as it is. I don't think I want to try anything with my ex again, I just want to chat with him and sort things out, get rid of the hard feelings between each other and just be friends. I'm glad I have these feelings because well, they mean I am moving on. I am not ready to talk to him yet, of course, and I won't rush things. But I think in a couple months I will be ready. That'll feel like a victory. Not because I'm eager to talk to him, but because I'm eager to prove to myself that I am over it.

Obviously I am not glad of how things went and I still do have memories and stuff on my mind, but it's becoming something I see and accept rather than something that stabs me inside every time it shows up in my mind. I'm not sure if this is just one of my optimistic moments, but I will let myself be positive about things. It's a pretty damn shame that things didn't work out, but there's no reason why they can't work out with someone else. I hope to find that person sometime I do have pain inside, but I am trying really hard to get past it.

[fwdthinker]

Hi Irial,

 

I'm so glad you are having an optimistic day. I am glad you feel yourself healing. That's great and encouraging too.

I do want to say though, that I personally don't think that being his friend should have anything to do with proving to yourself you are "over it." I think you can forgive him, and put aside the hard feelings, yes. But it seems to me his actions have not been those of someone you could call a friend. he's caused you great grief and sadness. Not to mention that it's just typically too difficult to be with someone as a friend when you had a serious relationship. It is all over these boards how self care has to be your number one priority. That doesn't mean "selfish" in a negative sense either. It means he is the past. You are building a new healthy future. Are you sure there needs to be room in that healthy future for him? Just a thought.

[Irial]

Hey FwdThinker,

 

Thanks for sticking around here How are you doing today? I hope you are better!

 

About being friends with my ex, I don't really mean it that way. His actions that were wrong and hurtful have been caused by his cowardice and obviously it's not as if that has disappeared. I have now noted that he is a coward in relationships, but that does not mean that he is a bad friend. I will not be putting my feelings in his hands either way, so the fact he's a coward doesn't affect me. He has been a good friend all along during our relationship and before (he never really lied to me, cheated, or did anything major to upset me on purpose), so that's the only thing I would bother saving. When at the end he "lied" to me by not being able to tell me how he really felt until the very last day when I made things easy enough for him to say it, he screwed up, and he knows this. He has apologized to me over and over (as if that changes anything) but the real thing is: if I forgive him for being an immature weak lover (who doesn't know what he wants, and doesn't see how good what he has is), I don't see why I can't be his friend. We share a lot of fun interests and I would not be putting myself in the position to get hurt by him again, so I think it can work out pretty much alright (as long as when this happens I don't have ANY feelings for him but affection due to the many good memories we shared!).

 

His mistakes have been caused by lack of strength and desire not to hurt me, at the cost of hiding the truth from me and hurting me a lot more at the end. This is when intentions matter, in the sense that I know he's not essentially a harmful mean person. I know he still caused a lot of harm and that's the reason I'm here. When we broke up he clearly saw he did it all wrong, and he even offered to send me money out of guilt to refund me of my ticket and some stuff I had bought (as if that fixes a broken heart, haha).

 

I can honestly see him as a person who just can't handle situations like that and thus makes mistakes and people who care about him get hurt. But since I'll never be in that position again, I don't see how he could ever damage me. The greatest part of grief he has caused me was due to the fact he just doesn't love me anymore, which is not really his fault. I can't blame him for not loving me, that's just something you can't control (no matter what you promised in the beginning of a relationship!). He made it all the more unpleasant by being a weak immature guy, but the main thing is him no longer loving me. Once I have accepted this fact and got over it, I doubt there'll be any more issues if I did forgive his lack of common sense in handling things.

 

Self care IS my number one priority. I don't "need" a person like that in my life, I just would like him to be a friend I sometimes chat with, about our common interests. Simple as that. Obviously, as with any other friend, if things don't work out, I'll get rid of him. This is only in my best interest that I would keep him around, because I don't like having people I can't handle talking to in my life. I like being the kind of person who maintains a good relationship with people who have been a part of my life, unless they really are dangerous or something.

 

Before this guy, I've been with another person for 2 years and a half, and he was a bit of an abusive boyfriend but I was completely in love with him. It took me 2-3 years to get over what he put me through (I was the dumper in that case, out of desperation), but I am now able to chat with him on facebook normally without any discomfort. It's not like we talk every day, of course! But I have kept in touch with him and I now can say that I am proud I am able to handle things so well. I want the same thing to happen with my actual ex. Being able to do this, makes me feel like I am free and strong

However, if it does end up being something I'm uncomfortable with (or he is), I'll drop the friendship thing at once.

[fwdthinker]

I can see you have thought this through! I am impressed with your ability to view the situation calmly and with your best interest in mind. Keep doing what you're doing!

 

I am just working through things on my end. Nothing new to report other than that. Thank you very much for asking.

[Irial]

I can see you have thought this through! I am impressed with your ability to view the situation calmly and with your best interest in mind. Keep doing what you're doing!

 

I am just working through things on my end. Nothing new to report other than that. Thank you very much for asking.

 

Thanks FwdThinker. Yeah I try to think things through to avoid to delay my healing. I am not willing to ruin that for his friendship, I want to make sure I'm fine first

 

Hope your day is getting better!

[Irial]

Today was an okay day. Not too much sadness. I've actually had quite some time in which I didn't have ANY sadness. I had to go for my exam and I just concentrated on that. I liked it. The sadness eventually caught up with me a few times a day after I was over with it, but the good news is: I did pass the exam.

 

It's so annoying how every day has some sad hours, some okay hours, some fine hours. I wish it could ALL be fine hours. And by fine I mean me hardly acknowledging the break up and just enjoying my time or being busy with other thoughts. Either way, I'll get there, I know it. When I woke up I was a bit down (as usual), then I got better very quickly and I even thought I'm getting better and getting through this healing time. Then I was fine for the next few hours and in the afternoon I had a bit of a hard time. But I do think now it's getting better already.

 

I just need to keep reminding myself that every sad moment will pass, since I've already been there! I mean, I've had sad moments and they have passed already. So I only need to assume the same will happen again and again I am not even sure what the sadness is caused by. I am not trying to get a reconciliation, I don't want to beg for my ex back, I have accepted the break up. I guess it's just the loss that causes the grief. I miss him as a friend, sure, but it's not that terrible. Especially because I know we'll be friends again eventually. It's probably the loss of the whole relationship idea and life plan that is causing me grief. Although I am really not sure. I sometimes just don't know anymore. There is nothing sad in my life, I guess it just needs to run its course in my subconscious before I can be sadness-free

[fwdthinker]

I'm so glad to hear you passed the exam. Way to Go!!

 

I do know what you mean about the sadness. Yesterday I was so busy at work - I had to put the emotions in some "other" place. Even then, I had some nasty reminders (damn other peoples ringtones) that really threw me. I felt the sadness rising but I had to push it back down. As soon as I got out of there and alone, I started crying. but I think that is okay. I was glad to realize I can deal with my sadness when it is a healthy time and place for me to do that. And it is good to have that balance. I think if we just push it away, it will get stuck deep down and then you are getting panic attacks 10 years down the line and you don't know why.

 

You are a great girl, Irial. Keep doing what you are doing.

[WhatSetsUs]

I'm finally getting to a point where I am more happy than I am sad. It's crazy cause I didn't think it would take this quick to get to this point, but I can honestly say things are looking up for me. You too will get to a point where you'll be totally fine with everything. It's real good that you're being so positive about the whole situation. I know the past I was filled with so much despair and I thought I would never get through it. But it seems like you're totally optimistic about everything, and that's a great thing to have when dealing with something as bad as a breakup.

 

Keep it up

[Irial]

Thank you, FwdThinker! I hope you're feeling okay today! I'm sure it's better to deal with sadness now rather than later.

[Irial]

I'm finally getting to a point where I am more happy than I am sad. It's crazy cause I didn't think it would take this quick to get to this point, but I can honestly say things are looking up for me. You too will get to a point where you'll be totally fine with everything. It's real good that you're being so positive about the whole situation. I know the past I was filled with so much despair and I thought I would never get through it. But it seems like you're totally optimistic about everything, and that's a great thing to have when dealing with something as bad as a breakup.

 

Keep it up

 

I'm very happy for you, WhatSetsUs! I am pretty optimistic yeah, I can't wait for everything to be all better

[Irial]

I just came over here to say that for the first time since the break up, today I had a few hours of actual HAPPINESS with no background thoughts. I hope this happens more often soon!!!

[fwdthinker]

Hey how are you? So glad to hear that! Whoo hoo!! yay!