Failed relationships, drugs, alcohol, porn, and prostitutes.

[bpm103]

The title says it all really. I am 33 and newly single after breaking up with my gf of 3 years. I love her very much but I just was not happy or satisfied. I am trying to take this time to do some self exploration, on my own, so I can right the ship and get my life together once and for all. This may be a bit long but hopefully someone can relate and better yet offer a path to success. I want to present in bullet format to save time.

 

1. I was small in stature growing up making me an easy target for bullying.

2. I had a lot of friends but my youth and teen years were sometimes sad and scary

3. My family is very close and supportive - my aunt had addiction issues - parents still together.

4. I started watching porn when i was 15 or 16.I had magazines and videos.

5. The porn and frequent masturbation continued in college where I always felt like the girls I attracted were less than desirable.

6. I started drinking and smoking pot in high school and use expanded to cocaine and ecstasy in college. I would get drunk every weekend.

7. After college I continued with more ecstasy and cocaine use quitting pot but still drinking heavily on weekends - this has continued now after another 10 years... stopping for small time frames here and there.

8. I suffer from mild depression and take an antidepressant that helps a little.

9. I have tried AA, outpatient rehab, therapy etc... therapy is most effective but its expensive. I do not like AA/NA. I wasnt ready for rehab when I went and I was discharged.

10. When I drink I do cocaine and that leads to more promiscuity including prostitutes.

11. My girlfriend and I were best friends, she supported me and loved me unconditionally. I wish I wanted her more. I have exes that I have been into more but they were always a bit crazy. lol, i know, surprise.

12. I work on the computer often at home so internet porn is easily accessible.

13. My gf and I discussed how porn was effecting our relationship... I would watch once a day just to masturbate and then i would have no interest in her. I can't figure out which came first.. chicken or egg kind of thing... I'm not into her so I use porn ll the time or vice versa.

14. Up until a few weeks ago I had quit drinking and drug use for 4.5 months.I got restless and unhappy in the relationship and went back, fully relapsing on New Years.

 

Now, I have to find somewhere to live cuz I moved out. I want to fix my life. I want to stop this cycle... I have improved and made big strides but there has to be some strategy I can follow to get my stuff straight. I m afraid I made a huge mistake with my girl but its still fresh... I think it's best for me to be alone but I am also scared... I will be in my own place with my computer. I have a good job and perform well there. The partying is and always has been a weekend thing. It's the total picture that scares me to death.

 

Thanks for reading. I am sure I am missing something but essentially I feel like there is something inside me that makes me look for external stimulation for happiness instead of being happy with myself. I know I will not find peace and happiness with any woman until I get this straightened out.

[hrtlsngl7]

Hi.Ummm I know you are tired of 12 step programs,....but try Sex Addicticts Anonymous. It's a 12 step program 4 those addicted to promiscuity, prostitutes, pornography and the such. Also google the physiological effects of "excessive masturbation", It can exact a TERRIBLE toll on your body. I hope that helps brother. I've going down the same road as you. I miss my ex. Look up SGI International as well too. Thanx.

[dedem]

Porn always desensitizes guys to sex and makes them want the fantasies they watch, the pretty girls and all that jazz that just doesn't happen in real life. Fairly certain that's where I went wrong in one of my relationships, though he never admitted it.

 

I'd say to throw out EVERYTHING you had used to masturbate. Then enlist in one of those sex addiction programs, porn/promiscuity specific. Once you have the image in your brain you shouldn't need all that porno stuff, so getting rid of it bit by bit shouldn't be too hard, and by the end of whatever treatment you received you'll be glad it's out of sight, it'll embarrass you to even want the stuff.

 

As for drugs, same as with porn. Get rid of it slowly and seek help. Start drinking less, and cut back on anything else you are sure you're addicted to. Ditto for masturbation, and make it so that it's once or twice a week at most. Slowly get yourself off of drinking, until you're down to a beer (or whatever else you drink) a week. Then maybe every few weeks. Stop when you're at the point where you can drink socially but are able to control yourself when drinking. You know the consequences- it should be all the motivation you need. Unless you're fine with picking the wrong prostitute and winding up with some pretty bad STDs.

 

Remember that therapy won't always be effective until you've made up your mind to change, I've seen it happen in the rehab centers i was in as a teen. A kid would get addicted and stayed addicted until he wanted to be clean. No amount of punishment or therapy would be much help. You came far when you were sober for that 4.5 months- you can do it again and make it last this time if it's really what you want.

[bulletproof]

If I were you, I might tackle the substance addictions first. AA/NA is not for everyone, understandably, so I recommend starting here: link removed

 

I say to address the substance abuse first because it's a lot harder to do anything without a clear head. You can figure out you feel about your ex-gf, and the porn, with a fresh perspective.

[LightbulbSun]

I know this is an old thread, but I had to comment:

 

I read a book on this recently. I forget the title, but this woman basically researched how guys get addicted to porn, and how it negatively affects their lifestyles and their views of women. It was an eye opener, because I realized that I tend to categorize women, just like porn, and therefore it takes the humanity out of them. In essence, I don't view women as being human, because of porn.

 

I have thrown all my porn out, and quit all porn forums. I will also limit my time jacking off, and will only do it to 'clothed pictures' for a while, with the fantasy playing out in my head. I suggest you do the same. You don't need to see naked women, doing the act, in order to get off...and I believe that the fact that you do, is what is negatively affecting your relationships with women. Women are more than naked bodies for sex.