Having difficulty finding closure...

[rich46]

Hi,

 

I'm really struggling to get over my LDR, and I'm not completely sure what to do.

 

Basically we had a LDR for 9 months or so. I was working in South Korea and she was in Japan, but I used to visit every month for a long weekend together. I have always wanted to live in Japan, so i made the move in August but still, we didn't live particularly close. Anyway, the next step was going to be me moving closer to her in March when my current contract expires, but she got cold feet (seemingly) all of a sudden and started having doubts, which confused me.

 

So in November, she said she needed some "space" etc and I gave her it by going NC after explaining why in an email. Since then we have had sporadic contact usually initiated by her after a couple of weeks, although I did relent and messaged her yesterday with a Happy New Year text.

 

I know what I should be doing here and that is moving on, because the "space" thing usually means the end, especially with the Japanese who will often avoid saying things directly to avoid confrontation.

 

I've tried spending time with other girls, and even kissed one last week, but it was a big mistake and clearly I was using her as a rebound, and I am ashamed about that. I have never done that before. It just feels extra difficult because I am in a culture so different to my own, and even though I have some friends around me, I feel so lonely. I know I could easily find another girlfriend because they love foreigners here, but even though I would love to just do that, I still feel like it's not completely over with my ex-girlfriend.

 

Any ideas what I should do? I don't particularly want to initiate a "talk" with my ex but I feel like until I do that, I will be subconciously prevented from moving on.

 

Thank you for reading,

 

Rich

[MasterPo]

My advice; don't talk to her. it'll only hurt .. ALOT. Having said that, it all depends on you, can you handle a talk with her? Some might say that's the mature thing to do but believe me, if you want to start healing it may not be. Again, depends on you.

 

I had my chat, broke up with her and then asked her back a few days later. I know, "what was I thinking!", I wasn't and there was another guy involved. So I went in and we talked for two hours; very emotional and super blunt. I regret it to this day. She told me a few things about "him" and I wasn't ready, no guy is when it comes to having your sweetheart talk lovingly about another man and you discover it had been going on for awhile. Stupid comes to mind but you're in love and .. well enough said.

 

Many months have passed and maybe it was a good thing because it made NC so much easier. The pain of betrayal is just incredible and I applaud anybody that can bear or ignore it. So you might want to think about that before you ring her up. However, there is the chance that she may see the error of her ways and you will come together. I'd say read a few more stories on here if you think that. Good luck my friend. I hope you heal fast.

[nihongo]

Wow! Same situation. I live in Tokyo and my ex went cold. I had to get it out of her that she wanted to end it. Had LC and things were good again until we talked about the relationship and she went cold again. I was going crazy. I was fine if she wanted to end it but I just needed to talk to get closure and she refused and ignored me. I finally talked to her after days of texts and I had to get it out of her again that she's dating someone new. I was prepared for it and I felt 1000 times better that I knew. I got closure. He's Japanese so I think it was a cultural thing. Strange thing was that I told her to tell me it's over so I could get closure and she wouldn't say it. What? She has a new boyfriend but wouldn't admit it's over.

 

Seems like with your girl that she responds to NC. I'd wait a bit and see what happens. If not, I've been successful with telling her that we need to talk since she never responded when I was nice. For example, I'd say I need to talk to you so meet me at this cafe, this day at this time.

[rich46]

Thanks for your responses, both of you.

 

Yeah she does respond to NC but it is just a couple of brief messages, then a couple of weeks pass. Like she is testing that I am still there or something. I am always upbeat and don't go into much detail about what I am doing.

 

A couple of weeks ago she sent me a simple "good night" text late on a Saturday night. I didn't reply, then the following afternoon she sent a "how are you?" text and we exchanged a few messages, then nothing until I texted her Happy New Year a couple of days ago.

 

I purposely haven't been logging onto MSN as it is painful for me to chat, and it definitely sets me back. I need to block her, and focus on moving forward...but I just haven't accepted that it's over at all. It is difficult to comprehend how she can say how great I treat her, noone has ever made her feel like this etc.....to it being all over.