marsbars Posted December 28, 2010 Share Posted December 28, 2010 Just need to vent. My ex was the love of my life and we were together 2.5 years. We broke up, out of the blue, 6 weeks ago. He said that he was no longer in love with me, is confused, is broken, and needs his space. He said that he started living a dual life with me and wanting to spend more time with his friends...He did the same thing to his wife of 10 years. It's a pattern. On Christmas, he sent me an email saying what a hard time it is for both of us but he wanted to wish me a Merry Christmas and hoped that we could meet up, down the road, to talk about our self growth. Tonite he sends me a text in error. He's out with friends and sent an update on his plans...but instead of sending it to his friend, he sent it to me in error. I'm at home ... grieving ... trying to work through this ... trying to put my life back together ... and I get this??? He's immature and selfish. Link to comment
Snowy Posted December 28, 2010 Share Posted December 28, 2010 Can't really call him selfish for that text. If he didn't mean to send it to you, then he didn't intend to let you know. How is that selfish? Link to comment
DN Posted December 28, 2010 Share Posted December 28, 2010 I know it must hurt to see him move on but I have to agree that I don't see that he is immature and selfish unless you have good reason to believe he did it on purpose. Link to comment
marsbars Posted December 28, 2010 Author Share Posted December 28, 2010 you're right, Snowy and DN. Thank you. It just hurt me to hear that he's out having fun ... and has moved on so easily ... He seems to living a 20 something lifestyle when he's more than double the age. Link to comment
MayJane Posted December 28, 2010 Share Posted December 28, 2010 you're right, Snowy and DN. Thank you. It just hurt me to hear that he's out having fun ... and has moved on so easily ... He seems to living a 20 something lifestyle when he's more than double the age. He might have sent it so it looks like hes having an ok time but maybe he's not X Link to comment
TexasDude Posted December 28, 2010 Share Posted December 28, 2010 Guys work through breakups by going out with their buddies and getting drunk. His buddies feel a responsibility to do that for him. You shouldn't take it so personally, he's probably hurting too and moving on in his own way. Link to comment
nihongo Posted December 28, 2010 Share Posted December 28, 2010 I agree with TexasDude. As a childish guy myself, I don't think he sent that to hurt you or to rub it in that he's having fun. It seems like he sent it because he was thinking of you and wanted to contact you in an indirect way Link to comment
marsbars Posted December 28, 2010 Author Share Posted December 28, 2010 I think he made an honest mistake sending it to me. I don't think it was intentional. I replied lightly asking if it was a drunk text that went astray? He apologized and said indeed that's what it was. I guess I'm still on his phone list. Makes me sad and anxious. I can't help to wonder if this is an opportunity to open conversation? I know in my heart it's too soon ... he has issues that he needs to address; and this break-up has made me realize that I do too. He cares for me still but only as a friend and thinks that he can't be in a longterm relationship right now. Hoping that once he seeks counselling in January he will see differently. Sad. Link to comment
marsbars Posted December 29, 2010 Author Share Posted December 29, 2010 I've had a roller coaster of emotions since BU just over 6 weeks ago. Last night's text really stung because he was out with friends (our mutual friends) and I was at home alone. Didn't sleep well last night because of it and was anxious most of today. Tried to think of ways to reconcile. Had a great long chat with my sister tonight who has become my BUB (my break-up buddy). She got me thinking that he didn't bring out the best in me (I gained weight and lost sight of some of my personal goals). Now that is motivating to move on ... Link to comment
marsbars Posted December 30, 2010 Author Share Posted December 30, 2010 Feeling down tonight ... although am much stronger. I don't know how I got through the first few weeks. Pure agony. Am seeing things more clearly now > red flags; thing that I didn't like about him as a partner; things I didn't like about the relationship. My challenge is that I don't feel very respected through this BU. He is condescending ... you are so sweet and so loving to me ... I hate the way he handled this. Why do I always have to be the one to take the higher road???? Link to comment
orillia Posted December 30, 2010 Share Posted December 30, 2010 My soon to be ex is 26 and is the same way. I always felt like he'd rather be out partying. Makes me think, geez, what is HE gonna be like in another 20 yrs? exactly the same? you're right, Snowy and DN. Thank you. It just hurt me to hear that he's out having fun ... and has moved on so easily ... He seems to living a 20 something lifestyle when he's more than double the age. Link to comment
orillia Posted December 30, 2010 Share Posted December 30, 2010 Do you have friends that YOU could go out with? why feel bad that he's out having fun - go have some fun, yourself I've had a roller coaster of emotions since BU just over 6 weeks ago. Last night's text really stung because he was out with friends (our mutual friends) and I was at home alone. Didn't sleep well last night because of it and was anxious most of today. Tried to think of ways to reconcile. Had a great long chat with my sister tonight who has become my BUB (my break-up buddy). She got me thinking that he didn't bring out the best in me (I gained weight and lost sight of some of my personal goals). Now that is motivating to move on ... Link to comment
nihongo Posted December 30, 2010 Share Posted December 30, 2010 I'm a 38 year old male and I naturally began to settle down in my early 30s. I think that's how most of us are built. But there are exceptions. Link to comment
marsbars Posted December 30, 2010 Author Share Posted December 30, 2010 Thanks orillia. I do go out ... forced myself initially after BU and am starting to enjoy myself on those night. I need those quiet nights too. He's out every night, I think. Although we went out together (and on our own) when we were together ... he chose this lifestyle over me. Link to comment
orillia Posted December 30, 2010 Share Posted December 30, 2010 I'm in the same boat, honey. Broke up with mine several times over drugs, alcohol and partying. He'd always start missing me and come running bk with all these promises. Last few months were ok - not drinking much at all - but then I got the passive aggressive guilt trips, or comments about how he was BORED. The last straw was "you stifle me." I posted about it already on my own threads. Felt like a knife cutting me. I mean, I am a pretty hot chick who loves to cook for him...I would make him breakfast in the morning...try to encourage him, support him, make him feel good about himself. And I get "you stifle me." Pretty intense. I can't figure it out. If you figure out why your ex did the same, pls lemme know. Might give me some insight. Thanks orillia. I do go out ... forced myself initially after BU and am starting to enjoy myself on those night. I need those quiet nights too. He's out every night, I think. Although we went out together (and on our own) when we were together ... he chose this lifestyle over me. Link to comment
marsbars Posted December 30, 2010 Author Share Posted December 30, 2010 Orillia, I will read your post. Stifling, seriously? I don't get it either. My ex did this in his previous marriage too. He's getting counseling soon so may figure it out. In my mind, he needs to grow up. Link to comment
Lulu010 Posted December 30, 2010 Share Posted December 30, 2010 you're right, Snowy and DN. Thank you. It just hurt me to hear that he's out having fun ... and has moved on so easily ... He seems to living a 20 something lifestyle when he's more than double the age. I know how u feel my now ex boyfriend always went out with his friends and also the girl he had feelings for (reason we broke up but agreed to give things time) i had felt exactly the same way but i know when he's alone he thinks about things more and the first person he contacted? me ofc people including myself just like to have a good time and hang out with friends to take their mind off of things it doesn't mean he's not thinking about you. Link to comment
marsbars Posted January 1, 2011 Author Share Posted January 1, 2011 Feel so anxious today. Can't stop thinking about him and what we could have had. Do any of you ever feel like fighting for what you believe in? Fighting to get him back? He seems open to couples couseling - said he's thought about it - but wants to do some counseling for himself first. Do I hold onto this thought? Do I need to start moving forward without him? Has too much happened? Is the trust gone? Link to comment
orillia Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 Honey, only you can make that decision. I am the type that doesn't like letting go of relationships easily; however, if there was 1) deep disrespect of you, 2) serious personal issues that you're not sure he can overcome w/out a lot of work, or 3) abuse, then the odds do not look good. Sounds like he's having trouble growing up, or what they call, Peter Pan syndrome. Maybe getting couseling will help him, but doesn't sound like couples counseling would make sense til he does some work on his own. Whether you choose to wait is up to you and how much hope you have for him to change. Feel so anxious today. Can't stop thinking about him and what we could have had. Do any of you ever feel like fighting for what you believe in? Fighting to get him back? He seems open to couples couseling - said he's thought about it - but wants to do some counseling for himself first. Do I hold onto this thought? Do I need to start moving forward without him? Has too much happened? Is the trust gone? Link to comment
Lulu010 Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 Feel so anxious today. Can't stop thinking about him and what we could have had. Do any of you ever feel like fighting for what you believe in? Fighting to get him back? He seems open to couples couseling - said he's thought about it - but wants to do some counseling for himself first. Do I hold onto this thought? Do I need to start moving forward without him? Has too much happened? Is the trust gone? I think about my ex 24/7 since we were inseparable and we had a good relationship when we we're together sometimes it makes me feel sick and it hurts. I try and fight for what i believe in but in my case it just makes things worse after all what he's done to me it's wrong for me to want him back but i really do. I can tell you think alot of him and i do believe you should do whatever makes you happy. If he's open to counselling obviously he's trying to fight for this relationship too. Try not to think about it hun give yourself space and time try and enjoy yourself. Link to comment
Tanzi Posted January 1, 2011 Share Posted January 1, 2011 I once sent an ex a text on purpose making it look like it was meant to be for a friend. Childish, I know, but in desperate times we take desperate measures. I just wanted to remind him of my existence and to see if I could spark something off. I don't mean to fill you with false hope but it is a possibility that he did it on purpose. Of course it is also possible that he made a genuine mistake but even if it was a mistake ... you must have been on his mind even if just a little for him to pick out your name by mistake. What I am trying to say is whether it was a mistake or not it doesn't mean has moved on or is finding it easy. It is probably more of a case that he is trying to move on ... just as you are. Link to comment
marsbars Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 Thanks for your responses. A little blue ... He is trying to move on. We are both making mistakes and hurting the other, not intentionally. I'm having a hard time letting go. So many things that I want to tell him. I have started counseling to work on my issues. I want to share my growth with him. My anxiety is so high still (after 7 weeks) that I need to see about taking some kinda medication. Link to comment
Lulu010 Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Thanks for your responses. A little blue ... He is trying to move on. We are both making mistakes and hurting the other, not intentionally. I'm having a hard time letting go. So many things that I want to tell him. I have started counseling to work on my issues. I want to share my growth with him. My anxiety is so high still (after 7 weeks) that I need to see about taking some kinda medication. Just leave him be for a few weeks things will get easier for both of you then who knows what might happen? If you give yourself time your confidence will come back and all emotions will start to subside then maybe you can both sit down and chat? My relationship got the better of me i suffered from anorexia when i was 16 after my first relationship ended since i'm beating myself up over my relationship that ended a couple of weeks ago i'm starting to go down that road again i'm trying hard to get my health and life back on track NC does work and i'm feeling alot better for it now. *hugs* x Link to comment
marsbars Posted January 2, 2011 Author Share Posted January 2, 2011 Thanks Lulu. It's the anxiety that I'm struggling with. I am currently on vacation visiting friends. I think that being far away from my home, my family, and him is creating this feeling. I want to reach out to him and I have so much to say and yet, I don't have anything to say... He's confused, I'm confused. I love him but can't have someone who is emotionally unavailable in my life. It sounds like you know the steps that you need to take...health wise, etc. Glad that you are feeling better. Link to comment
Lulu010 Posted January 2, 2011 Share Posted January 2, 2011 Don't worry chick everything will get better for you. Link to comment
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