Am an emotional abuser at times...and want help...

[crushed soul]

Hi all....

 

I have written in another forum explaining my whole relationship

(can be read at:

link removed

 

 

But I am going to copy and paste down below after I say what I am thinking right now...

 

I believe I can be abusive verbally...but only to someone who has hurt me in the past. I do not lash out at strangers or the general public at all.

I finally understand what triggers it. It is a mix of when I am extremely frusterated and hurt by someone I care about...that equals anger and then I become "mouthy".

 

My father was condescending and both parents have bad tempers.

 

I want to change this so badly...not just because I've lost the love of my life and want her back, but because I feel that if I can break the pattern while I am still young enough (early 30's), I may hopefully have a more peaceful life with less bitterness and hurt.

 

I have definitely been walked on and lied to alot, and being a nice person, I have generally allowed myself to get hurt.

Forgiveness, frutrations and letting go of past anger are all things I need to find a good method to conquer once and for all.

 

Can anyone help me with ideas besides on how to do this besideds just reading books and therapy? I am doing both, by the way...

 

And if I make a concentrated effort and hopefully succeed, is it really mandatory for my ex to "stay away" from me?

Is there no possibility for me to be with her again and prove to her that I did change, albiet through lots of effort?

 

Everything I've read here really labels people who had abusive tendencies as some kind of monster that doesn't deserve a partner...

It actually hurts to read that and makes me feel there will never be hope..

 

Thank you..

 

I've pasted my long story below from another post.

 

---------------------

 

Hello everyone,

 

Everyone who has been posting seems to think the NC rule can be helpful. I also have noticed that most people who have lost their girl/guy were in a "normal" relationship, not an "emotionally" abusive one.

I am in desperate need of help and advice to hopefully have my ex-girlfriend back in my life... I will start from the top. Incidentaly, I am in my thirties..not a teen.

 

Two years and a bit ago, I met my girlfriend. Right from the start, she had lied to me about a few things and had hurt me very much. After meeting her mother and seeing how her mother influenced her behaviour (her mother lies constantly), I decided not to leave. I know that learned behaviours can be changed over time and I gave her another chance. I saw so many incredible qualities in her that were good, it was worth trying.

Her mother slandered me and did not like me right from the start. She is a bitter, jaded woman towards men and she has a drinking problem. I felt I did not deserved to be slandered by her to others..

So, we stayed together regardless and kept trying to work things out..but we fought so much in the beginning because I just could not forgive the hurtful things she had done to me, so I kept bringing them up over and over again. Meanwhile she had kept lying here and there among other things that kept hurting.. a very bad cycle.

In between the problems though, was an incredible connection and love. We had more in common than I could imagine and we had a very strong attraction to one another. We cherished each others' company and spent as much time as possible with one another. We were living together, and sharing a life together.

 

Halfway through the relationship, I needed to move back to my hometown for a business reason. When I moved, she was thinking of moving with me, but hesitated. We fought so much at one point, she hung up on me and cut me completely off. We were over.

Her family and friends all dislike me because they never had a change to know me because I felt that her mother's slanders about me would jade them against me. So, I avoided her family like the plague. I see why that was not wise now..but..I did that anyhow.. Her family and friends all ignored me and would not help me talk to her, or tell me where to find her.

So I was completely cut off. I managed to find her on my own and she was so happy to see me. We re-started the relationship anew to give it another chance, and I promised her I would not keep bringing up the past and stuff. It was driving her crazy. She ended up moving with me.

During the next 7 months, I kept doing the same dumb mistakes, and hurt her more. She hurt me as well for sure. But again, there were really wonderful times as well. In many ways, we definitely made more progress because I toned down my sharp tongue a bit, and she was doing many things to help on her end.

She would read many self-help books and relationship books, take tons of notes, see coucellors...everything to held the relationship.

Stupidly, I *did not* put in the same effort. So over time, she was losing more and more faith that I would ever keep my word, and that the relationship would be better.

We hadn't fought for over a month not too long ago, but one month ago, we did, and she ended up becoming so hurt and frusterated, she threw things. One of the things hit me, and ambulance was involved. She was not allowed to stay at home with me because charges were automatically pressed (not by me, it was an accident). So, she stayed with a family member for a month. We communicated and decided that this was a very bad situation, but it did make us realize that we had hit rock bottom and things needed to be done. She begged me many times to go to councelling with her. I kept saying that I didn't need it.

Finally, even though she kept trying to call me and sent wonderful emails to me telling me she missed me, loved me and couldn't wait to come home when the court order was lifted... her mother came to this city to "visit" her. Her mother worked her wonderful influence on her as usual, trying to tell her she should leave me. And her friends visited and most likely did the same. Encouraged her to leave without really knowing me.

She cut me off completely again. And she sent a letter three days after telling me that she loved me and always will, but that she needed to leave me because she felt we were not compatible beceause of all the hurt and stuff and that she needed to find herself. She said she would never meet my expectations that I wanted in a woman.

She wished me happiness and hoped I could find someone who could make me happier than she ever did.

 

I have been so devastated. I am crazy with grief.

 

Why am I so upset? Not just because I lost the love of my life and best friend. Because I was planning on marrying her within the next few months, and I *was* going to attend councelling. Several kinds actually.

But I *did not tell her that* because I wanted her to think that I went on my own..not from her always asking me. I know that things mean more to people when you voluntarily do them and not because you were bugged into it.

Big mistake on my part for not telling her because if she had known that I was going to really commit to her and the relationship by seeking help for us and working hard on the relationship as much as her, I do not believe she would have left. She would have remained in this city until the court order was dropped, and things might have been okay with more progress made.

Her family and friends saw this as a prime opportunity to convince her that her and I were not worth the hurt and that it was an abusive relationship and that she should leave.

So, she did because she has lost all hope that I will change, and that things would get better.

 

Now it's been a week since she is gone, and I do not know what to do.

I know she still loves me alot..in fact, probably much more than I realize. But I do know she is completely exhausted and fed up of the whole crap between her and I and needed to leave. I understand that.

 

I can't get into all of the details of how she hurt me, but I will state how I hurt her.

- I would question her intelligence. * I did not think she was dumb at all..but I was mean enough to say ridiculous things like that.

- I would make her feel her body could be better. * Again, I thought her body was amazing..and I told her that as well. Alot of this was not meant to hurt her, it was just not well thought out comments. But even those can really hurt someone..I know that now.

- I would not be as intimate anymore. * This is because of the sexual hurtful comments from the beginning that stuck in my head and I couldn't get over..

- Kept arguing for hours and hours and hours over the same things.

- Name calling.

- Telling her I could not be around her family because they were mean to me

Just off the top of my head. There are more here and there..but those are the big ones.

 

On the flip side, we have both made alot of sacrifices for one another, and showed love in many, many ways. She always felt I was special and that we both were meant to be together. That's what kept her going for so long..and me.

 

All in all, I know now I was being emotionally abusive. I am not a naturally abusive person at all..it really all came from fear and hurt and not being equipped mentally to forgive. She screwed up in the beginning, and I let it become poison inside me and spewed it back at her time and time again.

In hindsight, I can see how I hurt her and I am working very, very hard to try and learn to forgive so I am not an angry person anymore, and learn to not hurt others even if they hurt me.

 

Questions:

 

My question is this; is it still salvageable?

 

She did not leave me because of lack of love..or for another man. She left because she lost hope that I would not change.

I love her tremendously, and I am going to read every book she ever read, seek councelling and do what I can to better myself as a human so I don't keep making the same mistakes. And I know she wants to keep working on herself, even if she can't be with me.

I'm admitting my faults, and *will* fix them.

 

Is it possible that in a few months, after alot of therapy and hard work, that I can prove to her I have made very positive changes?

Could someone who felt a relationship was abusive ever go back if she knew that the person finally learned how to forgive and fixed all the problems he had?

I am afraid that the no contact rule might simply make her more resolved to move on without me indefinitely.

Other people, such as some friends and family, have all said that even though there were some abusive elements to the relationship, those things were definitely things that could be changed and that women, even if exasperated and hurt with no hope, could come back to a man she loved if the man was consistent, gentle and really did work on himself as much as possible.

Can this be true? And if so, how do I show her that I have changed if she isn't privy to talking with me? Just show up one day with flowers and ask her on a date again? Innocent date?

I taken the doom and gloom approach.. I feel that even if I make myself to where I should be, that she would think "why should I risk being with a guy that I was so hurt by again?", even if she loved me tremendously.

Again, family and friends have told me that if I worked hard on myself and tried to approach her in a few months, it might work, *even* though things were very toxic.

They have stated that if she really did love me, the toxic emotional hurt will subside with time..that she will be happy to be away from the fighting, but still miss me alot and that she will find it very difficult to replace me because of her love for me and the qualites she knows I have.

In fact, they have stated that some people go through much worse, such as cheating, theft, physical *and* emotional abuse..but still loved each other and got back together and worked it out. Is that true? If so..that's a ray of hope..

All in all, I have so very many doubts because I figure that over time, she will just keep healing herself and will keep getting over me more and more, until she will never feel the need to be with me again.

 

I am very confused and somehow need to know that there is hope that her and I can reconcile.

If people could please read this and add their thoughts on what my chances are, what I should do ect, I would appreciate this so much, for I am hurting very badly and need some guidance on how to rectify this tragedy..

I can expand on anything I have not made clear..

[Scout]

My take is that a lot of damage was done in this relationship. You're facing up to that, which is very important. I don't know if its salvageable - very likely it's not. I will tell you that one of the ways to "cure" yourself of this behavior is to realize that there are serious consequences to it, and in your case, it was losing someone you loved. You have to face the fact that your behavior made this happen and not become angry all over again if they choose not to come back.

 

Keep going to therapy and work through this. Ask your counselor if a letter to your ex apologizing for your behavior is a good idea - somewhere down the road. But if you write it, do so with the intention to honestly apologize for how you treated her, and not to "get back together".

 

I know that getting back together with her is first and foremost in your mind right now, but I think you need to be concentrating on yourself, and how to overcome these relationship-destructive tendencies you have. And I'm not judging you by saying this - to be honest, I can relate to what you're going through. I used to do some similiar things myself, and realized I absolutely had to change.

[crushed soul]

Yes..a ton of damage was done...both to her and believe it or not, her to me as well.

I don't think I would get angry over her not coming back...I don't get angry with precipitation. I would be very, very sad though because I know I will love her for years and years and will always miss her.

 

Actually, you'd be surprised...getting her back right at this moment is not what I want. I want to be able to at least talk to her at some point...some kind of open channel instead of being cut off.

It's the "cutting me off" stuff that is killing me. I have a big mouth...but I am hardly dangerous.

Her mother has a very warped view of the world and is a "man-hater", so she has alot to do with me being unable to talk with her.

I would love to send a letter at some point..but her mom would intercept it and rip it up....

 

I do have to change..

[Scout]

I know - it really hurts. It hurts worse because it seems like it's so out of your control. And control is a very important thing for people like us, I'm afraid.

 

That's why at this point - for now, anyway - you have to let go and just sort of let the universe take over and do its work. In the meantime, do seek some kind of counseling or read some books on this problem. Keep yourself very busy, this is a MUST. It helps to deal with the pain, frustration and anger which I guarantee will knaw at you if you don't keep busy. The obvious suggestions are any kind of physical activity, and you should try and reach out to a few friends or acquaintenances and invite them over for dinner, or other light activities. Try to avoid alcohol, it might make you do something you regret.

 

There is no answer yet as to how this will all turn out. Again, you will feel better if you "let go" for now, and take the suggestions I mentioned above to heart. Again, I sincerely applaud your facing up to your mistakes. Do you know how much character it takes to do that? A lot. Now go the rest of the distance!

 

- Scout

[Francis]

I find there is something very simple that many people forget to do : Be grateful. Instead of seeing all the flaws in others and particularly our loved ones, we should appreciate their qualities, the love and support they give us. We should appreciate more all the small blessings of ours and stop complaining about little details. We have to learn to focus on the positive things in our lifes.

 

That is all the advice I can give you. A person who feels debased and insulted will never improve. You can only have a good influence on a person with love (not unconditional love, there must be limits), understanding and appreciation.

 

Take care!

[crushed soul]

Francis -

 

Yes, I am aware I have a gratefulness problem. I think many people do... to be fair though..she definitely did as well because man, did I give her alot of myself.

 

Scout -

 

Yep, control...letting go of something I can't control is one of the hardest things I can do. It is a quality that allows me to succeed in areas that many others couldn't...but it also makes me lose the one I love. Crappy trade off if you ask me.

I currently have no less than 8 books to read, and TWO councelling going on. One for anger management, the other for learning to deal with frustration and stuff.

 

Although my main goal is to fix myself for me....anyone have any idea how to approach someone that has left you and cut you right off, to perhaps show them that at least some things have changed?

Anyone?...

What the heck did people do before the internet...shrinks must be losing business...

[Scout]

Honestly, I really think you should not think about approaching her right now. For at least two weeks. You need the NC for yourself more than you realize. After two weeks, than worry about how to contact her again. You're still in shell-shock mode, and you need some distance and objectivity.

[crushed soul]

Hi,

Actualy, it's close to a month now that I haven't seen her...and even if I wanted to, her family won't let me.

Remember...although I was mouthy, I was not smashing her. But her mother slandered me so the whole family thinks I'm Jack the Ripper... way out of hand.

So as I'm healing, I'm just wondering if any woman would ever take back a man who was not only sorry, but was going all out to change this behaviour?

So far, everyone seems to say, "run away...never look back!" like we are not worth anything...

[crushed soul]

Hmm..I guess no one has much to say about this...

[Scout]

Ok, you want to focus on getting back with her....like I said, don't think that's the best idea right now, but if you won't budge on this, here is some advice: get back on the good side of her mother, even if it kills you. I would write her mother a letter that simply apologizes for anything you did in the relationship that hurt her daughter, and thus, hurt her. Don't say one little thing about anything her daughter did that was wrong, or you've blown the whole purpose of your letter. Simply say, I know how much you love your daughter - I just want you to know, I do too, and seriously apologize for anything I ever did to hurt her. I know you and I had our differences, but bottom line, I know how much your daughter means to you, and I am so sorry for causing her pain, which I know must have caused you pain, too. I just wanted to let you know this, no matter if your daughter and I get back together or not. You were like family to me at one time, and I will always remember with fondness your many kindnesses towards me.

 

I'm serious, if you get defensive in this letter, you have blown the whole thing. This is a baby step that possibly opens a door for you later on. You need to be thinking in the long term about EVERYTHING right now, not short term gratification of what you're immediately wanting, because you're not going to get anything in the short term.

[crushed soul]

Thank you for the advice Scout... I've considered sending that kind of letter to her mother...but let me tell you this; her mother is absolutely a mean person. No exaggeration. She would simply rip it up... I am very sad to say...

Perhaps letters to other members of her family?

[Scout]

No, it has to go to her mother. I guarantee she will curious enough to at least read it before she rips it up. And she may not ever respond, but it will plant a seed (only if you keep it fairly short, apologize and don't justify / try to explain anything you did in the past.)

 

We're laying the groundwork for your long-term plan of getting her back. You can't expect instant results. Try to think of this a little more strategically instead of emotionally.

[Gracelove]

I didn't read your entire story, but there is something I've noticed that is common among abusers. They seems really into the opinions of the family of their significant others. And they generally don't like the family members or friends of the person they are in a relationship with.

 

I personally think it's because they believe their significant other to be weak , and that without the presense of family and friends they will be easily manipulated and controlled.

 

Think about it. Why do you want your girlfriend back? Is it because you care about her and want to bring some sort of happiness into her life? Or is it really all about getting your needs met? Do you want her back so that you can show her you've changed? So that she will no longer think you're a bad person? So that you can mend your reputation in some way?

 

Who stands to benefit most from the relationship, you or her? Do you really want her back because controlling her made you feel good? Do you feel you could use her to testify to your greatness and how wonderful you feel you are now?

 

The point is, in most cases when you are involved with someone, you are also involved with their family and friends. They had a life before they met you/ their abuser.

 

Their family and friends have known and loved them longer than you have. And chances are, if you treated your girlfriend in a loving and respectful manner, that her family would like you just fine.

 

If you want to have a relationship with someone, find someone you are compatiable with.

 

By attempting to communicate with your ex (espicially if she wants nothing to do with you) you'll only make things more complicated, and unpleasant in her life.

 

I would suggest leaving her alone and moving on. If she has had time to get over you, her abuser, chances are she can't stand you ; nothing you do will ever make her think of you in a different light.

And by the way, if her mother rips up a letter that you are sending her daughter, good for her. It is a mother's prerogative to protect her child. Stop vilifying the people who are trying to protect her and take a good, hard look in the mirror.