NEED ADVICE! HURT AND DONT KNOW WHAT 2 DO!PLEASE HELP

[Brneyegirll]

Thanks for taking the time to read my post and give any advice to possibly help me.

 

I have posted in the past about a relationship which now i have been in for 9 months. I am 37, he is 44. I am widowed and have 2 girls 18 & 20 yrs old. He has never been married and has No children. He lived at home all his life except 4 yrs one time that he lived with a woman. Well any way, he had a house for 5 yrs that he kept up but never lived in it until now. We both moved in it together 3 months ago. He knew from the beginning of this relationship what i wanted (and my morals) in my future which was marriage and family again. He also knew my morals and the fact that i do not believe in shacking up, so to speak..living together. At least not without an engagement which to me is then leading to marriage. Well, i was supossed to move in his house by myself but when i got here, he never left and slowly moved his things in. Everything here is mine. He only has some clothes here. Most of his things are still at his parents. So really i dont feel he fully moved in with me. So we had been talking about getting engaged because i had told him im not gonna keep living together without that commitment from him. So last weekend he took me out looking at rings, trying them on. He said while we were there he wasnt gonna buy one that day that he would go back and pick one and surprise me. Well, you know how you just get a gut feeling about things sometime? Well this is how i have felt with him on the subject of engagement/marriage all along that maybe i was just being stringed along, lied to just to bide time, i guess. Guess i was right because yesterday he told me he doesnt want to get engaged for 7 more months and married up to a year after that. I was crushed and i feel so betrayed by him..once again.

I cant even look at him at this point. He has hurt me so bad. We both have loved each other so much but oviously its not as much on his part. Am i wrong?? Why did he make me think diff by taking me looking at rings. He knew exactly how i felt. I just know i am wasting my time on this guy but at the same time..i have settled into this house and am just devastated at the thought of moving again soo soon. Should i have him move back 2 his parents and i date other guys?? I am sleeping on the couch now. I feel very used and its not only this one thing, theres been alot more issues. I have been extremely good to this guy( he tells everyone this). I have been just like a wife to him. I do love him dearly but just cant bear to get hurt anymore by him. He is very selfish/self centered and i dont think i can change any of this.

Thanks everyone...

Depressed/Hurt/Lost

[neewollah]

Only thing I can do is guess. I think it was for him a very "new" experience, something he has thought about doing all of his life, but now that he is going to he is afraid to do it.

 

Maybe it is like skydiving, you want to do it, but when you are on the plane ready to jump, you feel a lot more than just not doing it, you start asking yourself "what am i doing here, is the parachute going to open, am I going to end up like a sticker on the ground?".

 

 

I had my first GF at 23. There was this girl before my first real GF, I LOVED HER, but we never got serious because I was TOO AFRAID. By 23 I hadn't even given my first kiss, I was afraid to touch her, I neve gave her a hug, nevermind a kiss, so she moved on with her life...

 

I always wanted a GF, but being alone so much time I had idealized the situation and had built so many barriers on my mind that they were very hard to break. My GF kinda forced me to touch her and kiss her, but she had to make me do it, I really wanted too, but I couldnt' as I was frightened to dead.

 

Maybe he is feeling like that! He is 44 and he is living with his family...

[hurtabandoned]

I definitely don't think that he's ready for that type of commitment yet. I think that he probably felt a little pressure on your part so he took you out to look at rings to appease you. I don't think that he had the intention of going back to buy a ring any time soon. He shouldn't have given you false hope.

 

Unfortunately, it's his house so you can't ask him to leave. And it wouldn't be right to live in his home and see other people. If you are not comfortable with the living arrangements or the progression of this relationship then you might want to think about moving out.

[Mun]

Girl you need to move out of there as soon as possible!

 

The man is just stringing you along as you say. I don't believe in living together unless there is a commitment--so I'm right there with you. Living together won't "convince" him you are the right girl and he has been single so long you really need to tread with care.

 

Move out and if you have to then break up. If you don't want to break up then see less of him. Let him find out what it would be like to be without you. In the meantime also go out with your friends. Make plans that don't include him. See what happens after that. Going away from him for awhile is just what might convince him that you are the right girl and maybe then he can make a commitment.

 

 

Good luck

[Val_76]

I cannot see why marriage is that much of a deal those days for women. You have a men that is with you and that you love and you want to break up with him because he doesn't want to marry you.

 

Of course he felt pressured by you, of course he took you to choose an engagement ring to appease you. He doesn't want to do it but he's afraid to lose you if he don't.

 

What does he got to lose? everything if you ask me. If you 2 divorce he lose his house and if he earn more money than you he must pay for your support. Love is not enough to get married those days.

 

Want to make him more safe? offer him to sign up a pre-marital contract that says that everything thats his stays his if you divorce. Most of us men fear to lose everything to the women we marry because we see that happen way too often... I saw it happen to my father... It scared me from marriage for a long time.

 

Ask him what he fears from marriage, try to view it from his side instead of feeling betrayed. If you love him then you should give him a chance.