Feel like I need a man to be happy....

[konfuzed505]

This is the first time I have ever used one of these message boards and am really hoping this can help me. I don't even know what I need at this point, I suppose I'm past the point of advice, but I have absolutely no one to talk that I can talk to about all of this and I need some feedback before I go insane. There is some type of problem with me where I feel I need a man in my life to be happy. I always put all of my energy into one person and am constantly disappointed and hurt. I've slept with 7 people in the past 2 months alone (2 on a semi-regular basis), one of which was VERY much younger than me, and a virgin at that. It's like I need the drama and chaos to feel alive. I don't feel like I'm cheap or sleazy, although I do enjoy the sex... but the reason I keep sleeping with these people is because it gives me some type of false security. Then of course, they get what they want and either don't call back, call back for just one reason, or fade out of my life very quickly. I get mad at myself, disappointed and hurt, then angry. Then I meet someone new, become giddy and excited, and the cycle begins again... Right now I am in the hurt stage, the anger stage I've learned is much easier. I'm 33 years old... I know better than this, but just can't seem to help it. Is my self esteem that low? What can I do to overcome this? Can someone please offer any advice to me on this? I'm sure I'll get criticism too, but that's ok. I'm at the end of my rope. Besides the obvious here (risk of stds) I'm repeating a cyle I have repeated for almost 15 years. I want to stop, to be happy alone, to not need a man or the drama, but I can't seem to get off this roller coaster.. Any comments would be really appreciated.

[Gilgamesh]

Well in a sense what your going through is an addiction and its not easy to kick, yeah the sex feels good and when your starting off every new relationship, the potential that it may turn out good, makes you feel high, that is your fix.

 

The problem is that, the sex and "mini" affairs are not satisfying your real need, and that is to be loved, its the only thing thats missing that you hunger for.

 

But here is the problem, in order for someone to love you, you need to love yourself, love who you are, and what you are, right now you do not have a very high opinion of yourself, and thats understandable.

 

So the first step is to go cold turkey, stop the quicky romances, stop the one night stands, your on a sex diet now, go ahead self please yourself all you want, but kick the man habit for now. do things to improve yourself and keep you busy, like joining a womans gym, learn a new skill, take dancing classes or pick up some other hobby. get a new hairstyle, pamper yourself, buy some new clothes etc.

 

eventually you will be able to stand up to any stud and "just say no", once you dont need men, and your happy by yourself, thats when you ready to let one into your life, dont let it be based on sex, your looking for a mature commitment minded man, that will satisfy ALL your needs and wants, once you have someone that wants to be with you because of YOU and not what you can give them in the sack, thats when you will be truly happy and satisfied. and you know what? the sex will be 10 times better too!

 

So lets kick that habit in the can ok?

 

Good luck.

[Mar]

Gilgamesh is absolutely right, I couldn't have said it better. Yes, those quick romps are an esteem booster, which you already know. The thrill of being wanted, of feeling desirable, etc. Obviously you're somewhat attractive or you wouldn't be able to get these men so quickly..

 

Why not use that to your advantage? You're intelligent; that much shows in the fact that you recognize the problem and what future problems could crop up. These "fixes" aren't doing a damn thing for you-get rid of 'em. All you're doing is repeating the vicious cycle of feeling wanted, then angry when the want fades and the men leave.

 

Have you asked yourself why you're so needy of this? Do you have any good friends to talk to? A Sexaholics Anonymous group you can go to in your area? (Dicey, since most are filled mostly by men.) A counselor you can talk to?

 

Your best bet would be therapy, I'm willing to bet. There's no shame in it; many, many people go through the same thing you are, and can get to the root of the problem with a good therapist. But whatever you do, stop the cycle! You're getting nothing out of it except increasingly lower self-esteem, and you've already taken the first step in a cure by admitting the problem!

 

Mar

[konfuzed505]

Thank you so much for the quick replies! I guess I know what I 'need' to do, but deep down just don't want to. It's easy now for me to think I can stop (now, tonight, because my latest 'crush' is busy) but the minute he calls, I'll be right back in the same boat. Excited he called, wanting to see him... until he tires of me then I'll be looking for my next fix. I never thought of it as an addiction, but it is. It really is a high for me. And I am at a low right now, and am needing the fix. This is one of the first nights I've been by myself in a long time and it's hard for me to not pick up the phone and call someone to change that. I even walked out the door after I posted this original message. Then turned around and drove back home. I guess that is progress for today anyway.

[lunatic]

I agree with Gilgamesh and Mar but, there maybe another underlying problem. When was the last time you were single and alone? It sounds like your afraid to be alone or to not find that special person. I know we all know the feeling but, you have to love you first.

 

This cycle is not going to end overnight and you have to talk to someone. Personally, I would go talk to a therapist or your doctor. You might be have a problem with depression also. You said that you have a very low selfesteem and your probably very hard on yourself. If you need any advice on meds or anything with depression PM me.

 

You need to stop the madness and start on the road to recovery. What I mean is stop the cycle now and take it day by day. Everyone wants to be loved and it is not uncommon to be scared to be alone. Lord knows I was like that when I first came out of my last relationship. I find that I am way happier now and that my life is starting to get back to normal.

 

Do yourself a favor now that you realize there is a problem and fix it. Only you can take charge and make it happen. Your an intellengent woman and you can over come these impulses.

 

Hope you are able to pull yourself together and over come this!!!

 

As I said if you need to talk PM me.

 

Hubman 8)