I didn't challenger her. Am I too late?

[airtight_python]

Been 'seeing' a girl for about 2 months I met at an online dating site. I am 26, she is 28. Lives 50 miles away, try to go visit every week, sometimes twice a week but only for a few hours. Exchange texts a couple times a day, talk on FB every night or two, etc. Phone calls are rare.

 

At first we were very 'cuddly', we made out, I performed oral on her, no sex yet. When I tried sex, she says "are you sure you're ready for that" so I quit.

 

I've done a lot for her and have plans to do more before Christmas, she knows I care (and I do). We've not said I love you but we've told each other we like each other very much.

 

However I get the vibe that her interest is declining. I was never a challenge for her. She also still frequents the dating site. In her words, we are "just chillin to see if we are going to be what each other wants." She doesn't consider us a couple.

 

My concern is, am I too late to become a challenge? And how do I do so? I am very much interested in a deeper relationship with this particular girl and would like to rekindle her interest.

 

I should add that this girl has had a rocky past with men (beaten) and she admits she has a wall put up and it's hard to trust guys.

[drummergirl]

Sounds like she doesn't know if she's ready of sex (and very likely isn't) but is unable to actually express this to you.

 

I'm curious by what you mean when you say you've "done a lot for her and have plans to do more before Christmas". Do you mean you've done a lot for her sexually? emotionally? financially?

[airtight_python]

By done a lot for her I mean... when we go out I pay for everything. Bring food. She gave away a jacket to a stranger as a good deed so I bought her another jacket. She's going on a long trip for Christmas and I plan on checking over her vehicle and getting her a new spare tire. I've bought her kids a little something for Christmas and still want to get her something as well. I don't want to just scare her off if it isn't too late. I don't know how to act at this point, because if I disappear she'll know something is up. What do I do?

[Rosee]

My advice would be to pull back a bit..you don't have to disappear completely.

I'm not talking about playing games but if she just sees what you guys are doing as 'chillin', perhaps you should just scale back on your attentions and give her some time and space to see if this is what she wants. Explain that is what you're doing.

You also have to take care of yourself so you don't become some kind of doormat, you can't do all the work.

[drummergirl]

Paying for the dates and buying Christmas presents (so long as they're not terribly expensive) sounds reasonable for a 2 month relationship. Looking over the car also great. But let her pay for her own spare.

 

No reason why she should get the benefits of a solid relationship if you're not going to. Maybe just tone your efforts down a bit and see what happens.

[airtight_python]

Thank you ladies. I get a different kind of advice from men. Men will say you've got to nail her a few times before treating her like a girlfriend... if it isn't too late for me. Although.. the show less attention part does coincide with both male and female advice.

[TakingtheBlame]

So, not to nitpick but, I'm curious...why do you say you were never a challenge for her? Did she say this? Or are you just assuming?

[airtight_python]

So, not to nitpick but, I'm curious...why do you say you were never a challenge for her? Did she say this? Or are you just assuming?

 

Every article I have read and every forum I have asked advice has said to be a challenge for the woman initially. I've been too nice to her and made too much contact (pushover I guess), however I don't consider what I've done to appear clingy or needy... that doesn't mean she has not. Although she hasn't said, I can't be sure either way.

 

It's just that the things she says and her actions don't mesh all that well with me. When I am around her, she shows interest and is very kind. When I we talk online or I set up dates she just doesn't seem too thrilled.

[TakingtheBlame]

Well it never hurts to have your own life, because when you have a career, friends, and hobbies you just don't have the time and energy to be overly-clingy (or at least, that's the way I've always seen it.) And you're right, it's good not to be a pushover. But I wouldn't assume that you are not a challenge and this is why she's not as interested as you are. Maybe you guys are just not compatible romantically. After two months, honestly, I think she'd know if you two were what one another wants...if you have to start playing games to make her interested, she might be more interested in the game than in you.

[airtight_python]

You're right TtB. I just have to try to let it go. Thank you.

[TakingtheBlame]

No no, don't just let it go! Haha just scale it back a bit, like the other posters said...I was just offering another perspective so you wouldn't beat yourself up.

[airtight_python]

I do get the feeling she is more interested in the game than me. Friends of mine think she's using me, and maybe they're right. I messed up and let her know what my friends thought, she said she's not and she didn't want me to think I she was either. I thought she seemed like a sincere and upfront person, but now I don't know! What I'm going to do is scale it back and see what happens. What I SHOULD probably do is give it up... and I really like this girl too!

[Day_Walker]

It seems to me that this is a clear situation where youre more interested in her than she is in you. She just wants to remain casual and if you are not interested in doing that then you need to back off.