wanted: sage advice

[eliot88]

so, my partner (we're both women... so if you have an issue with that you might want to stop reading now) broke up with me about 3 months ago. we had been fighting incessantly for months and we were both exhausted from it. i told her that i wasn't even sure we were friends anymore etc. eventually in the middle of a heated fight she told me it was over.

 

since then we've been in contact, mostly via email- and it has been so confusing and deeply painful for me. i really want her back but i'm also so glad that we have this time apart. she says that she would be so happy if we could be together someday and treat each other with kindness (which we clearly can't do now)- but her main 'line' is that she doesn't want to focus on the future at all. i have asked her if she is open to the possibility of us being together and she just simply says that she doesn't want to focus on an outcome and having hope for that is an outcome. i completely respect and and i think i understand this line of thinking (although if anyone has any thoughts on it i'd love to hear)- i just don't know how to navigate any of this.

 

i believe that one of the main reasons that she and i spent so much of our time together fighting was because we lived and worked together in a tiny office... we never got space from each other in the relationship. we were trying to hold out until i started grad school in the fall (several hours away)- but we couldn't make it... (it's all or nothing i guess) i feel that this break up could have an element of preemptive strike to it- i think she is scared that i'm going to be more interested in school and new people than her.

 

so, i'm happy to have time apart even though it hurts like hell... i just wish we knew that we were going to get back together at the end of this time... what do i do for now? how do i show her that i love her without being overbearing? how do i deal with the fact that we seem to slip into old fighting patterns when we see each other? what is the best way to interact with an ex who is clearly shut down with you some of the time?

 

lots of questions i know- but i have searched for a long time for a forum like this... i know that so many of you have wise words (i've been reading lots of old posts) and i hope that you might share some with me.

[evepm]

Dear eliot88:

 

I think the reason that she is being very noncommittal about the future is because she doesn't want to give you or herself any false hope.

 

I can completely relate to dealing with close courtiers. My ex and I lived and worked together and it did not make for happy times. We also fought a lot because there was no personal space, no place to breath or think. As you said, this could have been a huge contributing factor to the fights.

 

If you've been reading some of the posts than I'm sure you've come accross the no contact rule. I am a firm believer in this. Even though you still love each other and there may be hope for the future, you are dealing with the here and now. You need to take care of you. No contact I think can serve several purposes for both of you. It will give you space, time to start another level of your own life and hopefully clarity for you. It's difficult to do but if you don't contact her than you can focus on her own life which I believe is the healthiest thing for you to do right now.

 

Don't live your life on a maybe. Life is just to short. I'm not saying slam the door shut and bolt it. Just close it for right now. I hope I helped and I wish the best of luck to you.

 

 

Peace and blessing to you,

evepm

[eliot88]

thanks so much for your response! i'm not sure about the no contact thing... i feel very confused about it.

 

we rarely see each other and don't talk on the phone- i told her that i only wanted to have contact with her via email... which has worked out decently.

 

she says that she is most scared that if we got back together too soon we'd still have so much hurt, we'd continue fighting and we wouldn't have anything left. i feel that way about getting together as friends... but i am also hopeful. these conflicting emotions are difficult to reconcile.

 

so we keep our contact to a minimum... i guess i am curious as to how you know that it is time to try having regular contact again. i think that if i told her that i didn't want to have contact that that would seem really weak actually. i imagine that our contact will naturally fade out over time... and in time i can get in touch with her again or vice versa. i don't want to make any big proclamation about it.

[evepm]

Dear eliot88:

 

I really wish that I could tell you a specific time as to when contact would be o.k. but, every person and situation is different. In your situation, it's difficult to tell if and when the two of you will get back together.

 

If you are comfortable with just e-mail contacts then go with what seems right for you. My point about not contacting her was to give the both of you time to sort things out and for you to be able to concentrate on yourself. It sounds like you are really afraid of losing her and of course that's normal. I hate to sound cliché but I'm sure you have heard the saying that if you love something set it free if it was yours it will return.

 

I really feel that putting some distance in this relationship is the only way for both of you to figure out what things need to be worked on within the relationship and I can't emphasize enough that you need to take care of you right now. Please feel free to contact me anytime if you need to talk further.

 

Eve

[cassiana]

As a woman dumped by a man, the no contact rule is probably the best bet. But you are two women and lets face it we women are a complicated bunch. We take things far too personally and over analyse and obsess. In heterosexual relationships you have the ying and yang of male and female thought patters a rocky sea that i'm only learning to navigate but two women thats new and rough in a whole different way.women may forgive but never forget. what i can say though is that your 24/7 living and working arrangement were a recipe for disaster. Even jesus, Buddha and Gandhi would be at each others throats. You two need a serious long term holiday from each other. Maybe you could say that to her. How about a 3month break. Then tou would have no contact but the prospect of legitimaTE non-threatening contact at the end of it. it is recommended that you could do something to improve yourself in the meantime change your hair, lose weight or something that you know would remind her of why she was attracted to you in the first place.