confusedchick Posted July 17, 2004 Share Posted July 17, 2004 I am living with my boyfriend. He has some feminine qualities but nothing that made me question his sexuality. I was downloading a program onto his computer and found a ton a very explict gay *man on man*porn. It was hidden deep in his computer. Right now I am having a mixture of emotions and I do not know how to ask him about this. Does this mean he is gay, or bi-sexual. Please help. The thing that may bother me the most is he downloaded gay porn the day before we moved in together. Link to comment
AngelOfDarknes Posted July 17, 2004 Share Posted July 17, 2004 okay his gay...or maybe his bi ok but im sure he isnt stright. Link to comment
skynet74 Posted July 17, 2004 Share Posted July 17, 2004 Maybe he hasn't Come Out Of The closet yet but his Secret Nickname isn't Tinkerbell for nothing! Confront him and watch the Fireworks fly. He may get upset, but you are the one who should be upset for him not coming clean. Back him into a corner and ask him what this S*it is all about. Better you do it now then letting him think he can live a lie with you. John Link to comment
confusedchick Posted July 17, 2004 Author Share Posted July 17, 2004 ty so much. So this sounds like closet gay? I am in tears at the moment. I am going to have to confront him and i love him. I am totally upset b/c i feel totally betrayed. Again, thank you for your help. Link to comment
Meow18 Posted July 17, 2004 Share Posted July 17, 2004 I think that if anything he would be bi. I don't see why he would be with you if he was completely gay. Don't accuse him of being anything. I would suggest just sitting him down & telling him what you found & that it kind of worries you because you don't know what it means. Don't yell at him, don't accuse him of anything. If you yell at him or accuse him of being gay or bi, he's more likely to deny it & just yell back. People often stay in the closet about being bi or gay because they are worried about how others will react. Maybe he's not even sure what he is. He might still be confused which could be why he hasn't told you. If he still has feelings for you, why should it care if he's bi? I mean, obviously if he is sexually attracted to you, then he's not gay. I would just talk to him about it. Find out why he has gay porn of all porn. Don't feel betrayed, unless he is gay & isn't attracted to you. Then you can feel betrayed. If he still has feelings for you & loves you, why should you feel betrayed? I mean I can understand that you would want to know this about your boyfriend, but there has to be a reason he hasn't told you if he was. Maybe he's worried you won't accept him if he was bi & he doesn't want to ruin your relationship. Link to comment
ComputerGuy Posted July 17, 2004 Share Posted July 17, 2004 I agree with the likelihood that he's Bi. If he was gay, he probably wouldn't be with you. If he is Bi, look at it like this, he might find guys attractive as well as girls, but it makes no difference as far as the relationship is concerned. He loves you and is devoted to you, so there is no less or no more chance of him cheating or anything like that. As was said, don't yell or accuse, or anything, as he is will just yell back and the end result will be pain and hurt on both sides. You need to talk about this in a calm and logical manner, and try, as hard as it will be, to be reassuring because if he is gay/bi, he is likely to be very confused and worried about himself, what other will think, and what it will do to you. DO NOT back him into a corner, all that will do is bring up his defenses and won't get either of you anywhere. Link to comment
Rahll Posted July 17, 2004 Share Posted July 17, 2004 Guys are not bi. A guy who is bi-sexual is simply in the process of realizng that he is gay. There are a few rare exceptions, and there are a few guys who can be stright and enjoy sex with another guy, but this is few and far between. He likely doesnt know how he feels, but the porn is a giveaway. Theres a chance that it's a phase he is going through, but if he's old enough to be living with you, then he's probally set sexually by now. I would confront him about it, or at least watch him a lot more closely. Tr not to be too angry, it's likely that he is confused. As most guys who know they are gay wont be with a woman. Link to comment
Meow18 Posted July 17, 2004 Share Posted July 17, 2004 Guys are not bi. Guys can be bi sexual. It just means that they are attracted to both guys & girls. Not just girls are bi. Just because a guy is bi does not mean he will become gay sooner or later. It doesn't mean he will automatically lose his attraction for a girls. Link to comment
Rahll Posted July 17, 2004 Share Posted July 17, 2004 Yes it almost always does. There are very very few guys who have a romantic and sexual intrest in both guys and girls. Guys are simply not wired that way. Im not saying its impossible, but it's very very rare. I have never known a bi-sexual guy. Also, I've read statictics on this sort of thing and it just doenst happen very often. Link to comment
ComputerGuy Posted July 18, 2004 Share Posted July 18, 2004 One of my best mates is a guy, and yes he is Bi-Sexual, you have to be pretty ignorant to believe otherwise as far as male bi-sexuality goes. Just because you dont hear about it much, doesn't mean it's uncommon. Link to comment
confusedchick Posted July 18, 2004 Author Share Posted July 18, 2004 I went and asked him about the porn. He told me he has never had a crush on a guy. He watches porn because reg. porn gets boring. He assured me he wasn't gay or bi-sexual. He says he isn't sexually attracted to guys and sex is sex. I just took it for what he said. He said he tried to "like other guys" but it never worked. He says he hasn't ever had a crush on a guy and when a guy tired to kiss him it freaked him out and he couldn't do it. I still don't know how truthful he is but I told him I would have to trust him and what he says. Any comments? Link to comment
Meow18 Posted July 18, 2004 Share Posted July 18, 2004 I suggest you just trust what he says. Does he ever make you feel like he doesn't truly love you? If not, then I think that you should trust that his feelings for you are true & thats all that matters. What else can you do besides trust what he says? I mean, some people just like watching that kind of thing. Like lots of guys like seeing 2 girls doing stuff, why can't they like 2 guys doing stuff as well without wanting to do it too? I think you need to just believe what he says. If something else comes up that really makes you question his sexuality, then ask him about it. Until then, trust that he's being honest. Link to comment
falloutboy Posted July 18, 2004 Share Posted July 18, 2004 First of all, I think it s great that you managed to talk with him in that way. (He could have turned angry or hurt because you discovered something about him as well) Now trust him. Even if he is really bi (I do think that this kind of sexual orientation exists), there should be no problem , as long as your re still in love with each other and he is not cheating you with a male or a female, and there is no reason for you to suppose this.. Link to comment
Rahll Posted July 18, 2004 Share Posted July 18, 2004 I'd be carful. Somethign has deffinitaly happened to him in the past. "Normal stright" guys, never try to become attracted to other guys, and the fact that another guy tried to kiss him, says that he was doing something to let people know he was gay. Guys dont try to kill stright guys. As for the porn, it's possible that he can enjoy watching guys have sex with each other and still be stright, but it's very uncommon. Most guys are somewhat repulsed by watching guys have sex with other guys. I speak from experiance, as I am one of thoes few people who could enjoy watching that, however, I have never throught, nor was intrested in being gay, and have never been in a situation where another guy tried to kiss me. Link to comment
ComputerGuy Posted July 19, 2004 Share Posted July 19, 2004 I'd be carful. Somethign has deffinitaly happened to him in the past. "Normal stright" guys, never try to become attracted to other guys, and the fact that another guy tried to kiss him, says that he was doing something to let people know he was gay. At some point in almost everyone's life, the question of sexuality arises. Whether they admit to it or not, a lot of guys will think about a guy in a sexual way to see how the feel about it, most get grossed out. It does happen, so I disagree with you saying this never happens. Guys dont try to kill stright guys. That just makes no sense at all As for the porn, it's possible that he can enjoy watching guys have sex with each other and still be stright, but it's very uncommon. Most guys are somewhat repulsed by watching guys have sex with other guys. I speak from experiance, as I am one of thoes few people who could enjoy watching that, however, I have never throught, nor was intrested in being gay, and have never been in a situation where another guy tried to kiss me. You yourself said you watch it in this way and are not gay, so it's possible this guy could be the same. I don't know what the circumstances are of this guy almost being kissed by another guy, but if he got freaked out and didn't do it because he was grossed out, then that says something as well. If he is able to tell you in the way he did, I wouldn't worry about it, what he said about normal porn getting boring is true, and this is just a type of porn that he found "interesting". The only reason that he had hidden it is probably because he was worried about what your reaction might be. Now that you have talked about it, if you can accept what he said than the problem is no longer a problem. Link to comment
confusedchick Posted July 19, 2004 Author Share Posted July 19, 2004 He was in theatre in college. There are tons of gay guys that acted with him and one mistook him for being gay. It did freak him out and he realized he couldn't do it, it meaning having a relationship, physically, with a guy. I do appreciate the posts you all are awesome. It helped me choose what to do initially and i do appreciate it. Link to comment
Rahll Posted July 20, 2004 Share Posted July 20, 2004 Guys dont try to kill stright guys. rofl, ok now that one even confuses me, and I wrote it. The "S" key isnt even close to the "K" key, it's not even the same finger. That was supposed to be "Guys dont try to kiss stright guys" Ok, as usual, playing devil's adviociate, did you find any strightl porn on his computer? or does he have any stright DVD's? If he does then his explanation is certinally plassuable. But if he only has gay porn, then him saying that he only has gay porn at best means that he never really tried stright porn in a long time, or at worst, means he flat out lied to you and have never liked stirght porn. Finally, of course at some point in everyone's life do they question their sexuality to soem degree. It would be unhealthy if they didnt (guy or girl)My point is that questioning in "normal" people is done during adolescense/teens, is usually done in private, and usually leads to a fairly definitate conclusion. The fact that this guy is well into his twenties, and is still questioning his sexuality, either suggests denal (meaning he really is gay) or sexual abuse issues (meaning he isnt yet sure). Again, this is not everyone, but is the likely outcome. Link to comment
confusedchick Posted July 27, 2004 Author Share Posted July 27, 2004 He has way more "straight" porn than any other kind. He also has lesbian porn. He has very little gay porn in comparision to the other stuff. If I had to put a percentage on each I would say 95% straight, 4% Lesbian, and 1% gay. Just a break down. I think he was telling the truth. If he wasn't it is on him, all i can do is trust what he says. Link to comment
JAKESCHAIN Posted July 29, 2004 Share Posted July 29, 2004 Always ask. Never assume anything. Believe 1/2 of what you see and none of what you hear. I am living a life of a straight woman in a marriage with a gay man. It is not one that I recommend for ANYONE. Be honest to him, and MOSt OF ALL be honest to yourself. You are the one you will have to live with. **just think ~ what if your best friend were in your shoes, what would you tell them?** Link to comment
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