Advice about friendship after relationship

[Missing You]

I am new to this website and found it to be pretty cool, so I wanted to join and post a message for advice on my past relationship. Recently I have broken up with a girl that I had a long-distance relationship for several months and I ended the relationship, but found that I really missed her.

 

By the time I tried to get back with her, she realised what I said were right and she also accepted the break up. The actual problem is that she insisted on being friend. So far I have tried to be friend with her and as a number of you will realised, it isn't an easy task.

 

One of the reasons why I left her is because of her baggage from her previous long-term relationship that she had been broken up by her ex-bf. The baggage doesn't include children at all, but simply her ongoing comparison between me and her ex-bf.

 

I hope some of you could share some light on whether I should continue to be friend with her. My heart is full of pain for breaking it up with her and really wanted to maintain that friendship for the sack of being friend or getting back together again.

 

It should be noted that our distance won't be a problem within 12 months, as I will move to her city. Any advice for me to get through the day of missing her or on friendship is or not a good idea?

 

Thanks!

[surlygurl]

Dear Whipped,

 

First of all, I have to ask, are you moving to her city to be closer to her? Don't tell me it's a job if the reason you took the job was to be closer to her.

 

Have you spoken to her about your feelings? If not? What are you afraid of? Do you think that she knows how you feel about her, or do you think that you've played a good game of bluff (despite the fact that she anticipates you'll be in town in less than a year) and that you are truly "just friends" at this point? If she knows how you feel, then tell her what you want.

 

Do you think that the issue with her may be that she's not over this ex and actually still has feelings for him? I'd ask her if I were you, and ask her if she still ever sees him. If she says yes, I'd find out in what context. If she says, "just as friends" then I'd be careful: If she ever had strong feelings for him and still sees him even just on friendly terms, that could be the reason she's still carrying a torch for this guy. Until she's willing to go cold turkey and cut this guy out of her life, she's living in the past with no hope to build a happy future. Eventhough you're her friend, you've got an invested interested as well, you've got yourself into a conflict of interest. You can't say to her, "you should stop hanging on to this ex as a friend if you want to move on with your life... oh and by the way, I want you for myself!"

 

This might sound harsh, but I'd try to find out a little about what's going on in her life with this ex, if anything, and not make yourself as available as a casual friend to her if she's still in the pining stage. You can test the water and take her out on dates every so often, and not say much about your feelings, but just to see where she is and how she acts. Treat her like a date you really fancy and not just a good ol' pal, and she should realize that the stakes are much higher now, that she's got to decide to go for the future, or hang on to the past.

[cards_fan]

I agree! You need to figure out where she stands with this ex. Again, I was in the same situation and I kept getting bit over and over. My ex and I aren't friends yet but when we are I do know I can't like her again b/c I know the routine. She isn't getting over the ex anytime soon and I am too good to go through that. So, it can only be friendship.

 

I don't know your entire story but I would work the friendship route for as long as possible. That will show a truly great side of you. You will also be able to connect and become closer. Just don't push her or anything like that. Let her live her life and figure herself out. In the meantime you have to make yourself available too. We know our feelings don't automatically go away, but we can control them.

 

Honestly I think it is great she still wants to be friends. At least you aren't losing someone you were close too. I am friends with many of my ex's and I give them advice all the time. Over time, I realized I didn't want them back but just truly cherished the friendship that evolved. It's great!

 

Good luck!