any dumpers on line

[Starrgrl]

Just cos you dump somebody doesn't mean it was an easy decision. Relationships involve more than love. Love doesn't overcome everything.

[Eternalhope]

Optom,cheating is not a flaw.Cheating is an unacceptable act that is intolerable in any relationship and I would totally condemn it and I could not see most relationships survive an incident of cheating.A flaw is an imperfection.

 

Fudgie,whilst you do have some valid points,but the following is where I fundamentally disagree and where you seem to contradict yourself.........YOUR QUOTE "Let's take my last ex...

I was happy for the first year or so. We had many good times together. He made me feel good. However, I saw him through some tough times during our relationship (don't worry, I didn't leave until AFTER these hard times were through) that were not there when we started dating. I saw that he was very irrational and emotionally unstable and unreliable then bad things happened. It bothered me, I didn't want to be with someone like that in the future. I felt like when ANYTHING bad happened, I had to be there to pick up the pieces. Also, he was starting to become clingy and when he initially hold me he did NOT want children, he changed HIS mind on me. Also, he really let his sex drive run wild on me. Nice in the beginning but his got HIGHER once we left the infatuation stage, not less. I couldn't deal with that.

 

Much of the above should not be enough to end a relationship with a partner if you love them.I just see it as an easy way out.When the going gets tough we either confront our issues or we run a mile.Imagine using his high sex drive as an excuse to get rid of him,or his emotional instability.I find this astonishing.If you fell out of love and didn't want to waste his time,I'd understand and respect your decision,but your excuses are just ridiculous.If we all used your criteria,no relationship on the planet would survive.

[Eternalhope]

Optom,I'm not attacking anyone,merely expressing my view.Don't be so melodramatic.

[Wildflower88]

As a dumper I can tell you that knowing I hurt him, hurt me to! I do think of him from time to time, hope he is ok, eating good, warm at night... I pray for him, for myself and hope we find peace. I didn't want to have to leave him but yeah

[OptomisticGirl]

Yes, but who are you or anyone else to tell someone else what is and what isn't enough to end a relationship? Really. I wouldn't want to be with someone I felt was emotionally unstable. How many times do women stay with emotionally unstable men who later end up six feet under ground because the guy finally snapped? No thank you. By your reasonings I should have stuck it out even if my ex only worked 20 hours a week and refused to help me around the house and played video games 20 hours a day because what? You deem those reasonings unacceptable? Because if someone has enough of a certain somethign it doesn't mean they didn't love them?

 

I think it's YOU who needs to learn a H a lot about love. Everyone has flaws. Some you can work with, some you can't and everyone has their own right to dump that person if they don't like/can't work with that person. It is our right as human beings in being able to find the person who completes us the most that along the way, we meet some that just aren't going to work for us, no matter how much we loved them. As much as I loved my ex at the time, I couldn't have dealt with me working more, doing everything around the house, and those dang video games. There is a difference in just giving up at the first sign of danger (as many people do) and actually sticking through it until you can't do it anymore (such as Fudgie and myself).

[The_Seeker]

Johntheman,it sounds to me that Fudgie demands a man who is flawless.Imagine how boring that would become after a while,and maybe she'd dump him for being sooo perfect.I'm like you,I believe that in order to get the best out of a relationship,real work must be put in.Reap what you sow,as the saying goes.

 

To actually love someone and dump them for some incompatibles is just not real love.Maybe we all gauge love differently,but genuine love demands give and take,accepting flaws and loving regardless.With respect Fudgie you are young and I think you need to learn a hell of a lot about love.It may take someone you love to dump you to fully realise what I'm trying to convey.

 

You officially described my parents. LOL They're still together despite the fact I'm pretty sure 100% in the world will say they should of been divorce from the start and very so incompatibles.

[Fudgie]

Much of the above should not be enough to end a relationship with a partner if you love them.I just see it as an easy way out.When the going gets tough we either confront our issues or we run a mile.Imagine using his high sex drive as an excuse to get rid of him,or his emotional instability.I find this astonishing.If you fell out of love and didn't want to waste his time,I'd understand and respect your decision,but your excuses are just ridiculous.If we all used your criteria,no relationship on the planet would survive.

 

Well, let's break it down and look at the issues:

 

-emotional instability and clingyness

-too high of a sex drive

-he decided he wanted kids (I can't have them)

 

First, how is dumping someone for being emotionally unstable bad? How would YOU feel if you were in a relationship and your partner was constantly crying/screaming (this was AFTER he got his job back) and nothing else. I mean, I couldn't even talk to him about anything without him flipping out on me. How would you feel? Really, think about that. And yes, he went to therapy. It didn't do a darn thing. He was FINE in the beginning but somewhere along the way, he just got really unstable.

Did you know that many times during the relationship, he told me that he felt like COMMITTING SUICIDE? He told me that a lot. I did not let it guilt me into staying but I worried a lot. He talked about it a lot. He refused to get help so I could not help him. It scared me.

 

I'm sorry for not wanting to be with someone who constantly is screaming/crying and talks about suicide.

 

Second, YES, high sex drive was an issue. During the relationship, I began a drug for my hormone problem that DRAMATICALLY lowered my sex drive. No, I couldn't stop it and no, I couldn't be taken off the drug. I needed it. He understood this but still constantly called/initiated for sex/phone sex. I realized that I couldn't make him happy and I genuinely didn't want sex.

(In my current relationship, no, I don't have sex.)

 

Third, you can't get more incompatible than disagreeing on kids. When we got together, he told me he didn't want them. Then partway into our relationship, he told me that he went to some family function, saw a cute nephew and now he wants them! I don't want them and I'm infertile. Forget about it.

 

 

Really, I can't see how my reasons for leaving were wrong. I have told my story to many people in my life and they all agreed with me: leave. you're the first person who disagrees. I just don't see it.

[JohnTheMan]

I've been reading through this and I want to be careful NOT to offend anyone because everyone is entitled to their opinion and choice to stay or leave in a relationship.

 

I wont take out a microscope on any of you and your relationship decisions because thats just not fair.

 

I think Eternalhope might be touching on the subject of loyalty and what love means to someone in a relationship. I've come to the conclusion that everyone is different. Like it or not, everyone has a different definition of loyalty and what it means to love someone. My personal opinion, the word love is thrown around too frequently these days. When I love someone, there is no turning my back on them. And I don't mean I force myself to stay, but that I want to stay because I love them. I want to do whatever it takes to have them as part of my life. I have a really loyal mindset. When I told my EX I loved her and wanted to spend my life with her, there was NO WAY I would have ever left her. I couldn't even imagine myself with other people. Meanwhile, she entertained the idea by having a rebound nearby. She said everything one would expect to hear from a life partner deeply in love, but obv. acted differently. And yes, she claims to still love me, but can't be with me. I've learned to take "love" in her eyes as a grain of salt. She has many EX's all with whom she kept in contact. She told me she loves all her EXs. I feel dupped by giving her my heart.

 

There are many people that leave relationships for a number of reasons. Some leave over a single fight, and others leave after years of differences. Some leave when you get cancer or at your lowest.

 

For my EX, I hope that she gets to "love" someone the way I did. It was the best thing I've experienced.

 

Eternalhope, its really not fair to judge anyone here on their decisions to leave someone. I know we're all emotional here, but until you've been in theirs shoes first hand you really don't have the whole picture...

[Fudgie]

I agree, loyalty is important. I stayed loyal to my ex even though he was cranky and we were LDR.

 

I just think that when fundamental differences appear that you didn't see before and you try to work through them and things don't change, why force yourself to stay?

 

There was a time where I believed love meant forcing yourself to stay. I clung to my first love (different guy) for 5 years and wouldn't let go, despite the distance, his age, and his psychological condition that often left him in the hospital. He'd lash out at me a lot. It wasn't healthy. I eventually had to let him go.

 

Love means sticking it out through hard times with someone who is right for you. I know my boyfriend is right for me so I stick it out through all his health problems. But I do it out of love, not because I'm forced to. With my ex, we weren't right for each other and I felt like I couldn't talk to him and I felt stuck. I just couldn't stay.

[OptomisticGirl]

Love doesn't make the world go round. If it did, none of us would be here. sometimes love isn't enough, plain and simple. I loved my ex and I stayed with him through cheating, emotional abuse, laziness, etc. Eventually I learned I never could have went my whole life with him because it was not a healthy relationship.

[JohnTheMan]

I'm just suggesting that everyone has a different definition of what love and true love really is...

 

I don't leave someone I am in love with, because i'm in love with them. Thats just me, and my definition.

[The_Seeker]

You just answered my question that I've been looking for such a long time! I was like why do I have this type of feeling for people like this and yet end up getting hurt.

 

Damn I'm tooooo loyal. I might as well become a soldier instead of a lover in life.

[OptomisticGirl]

What if that person you were in love with abused you or abused drugs? It's fine to say you wouldn't leave, neither would I, as long as nothing was x huge problem. At some point, loving them isn't enough.

[The_Seeker]

What if that person you were in love with abused you or abused drugs? It's fine to say you wouldn't leave, neither would I, as long as nothing was x huge problem. At some point, loving them isn't enough.

 

Drugs and abuse and cheating are like a no no in my book. I fly out the door, that's for sure.

[OptomisticGirl]

^^ exactly. There is always that breaking point, that thing you can't handle.

[JohnTheMan]

then i really don't love that person. i love a fallacy. the drugs, abuse, and cheating are part of them... do you love those things???

 

you could still care for them, but love them? i'm not so sure.

 

its clear we have a different weight of what it means to love someone. i can respect you definition, can you mine?

[The_Seeker]

^^ exactly. There is always that breaking point, that thing you can't handle.

 

Ha ha, I get what you're saying.

[OptomisticGirl]

JohnTheMan: I can respect it, just bringing my own experience to the table. I loved, was in love, with a man who cheated on me. It took a lot away from me bc I did only stay with him bc I loved him. At the end of the day, you have to take care of yourself. If you are unhappy the relationship will suffer. For me, cheating and abuse may be a part of them, but that isn't love to me. That's settling.

[JohnTheMan]

JohnTheMan: I can respect it, just bringing my own experience to the table. I loved, was in love, with a man who cheated on me. It took a lot away from me bc I did only stay with him bc I loved him. At the end of the day, you have to take care of yourself. If you are unhappy the relationship will suffer. For me, cheating and abuse may be a part of them, but that isn't love to me. That's settling.

 

Thats what we're here for, right?

 

I think often we still love them for the history and what was. Its hard to shift and accept new behavior as that is part of who they are. Cause I don't love someone who cheats on me without remorse. Or is abusive to me. Cause that, like you said, its not taking care of yourself or loving yourself.

 

Either way, it must be tough. I think that the intention was to compare less extreme circumstances. Those without cheating. Where someone just "falls out of love"... Maybe, it is I who cannot accept that is a reality of relationships because I have never experienced it...

[OptomisticGirl]

The only thing that is constant is change. That's the exact reason I stayed with my ex. I always expected him to be how he was in the beginning, and it was never going that way. With my fiance now, I know we will both change. It's life. The trick is to change together and not for the worse. Some flaws are workable, like him sleeping at tge edge of the bed. I wouldnt break up with him bc of that. Becoming emotionally unstable? I woul# try to help him but there would come a time where its me or him, no matter how much I love him.

 

People do fall out of love bit there usually other reasons to side that along.

[Fudgie]

The only thing that is constant is change. That's the exact reason I stayed with my ex. I always expected him to be how he was in the beginning, and it was never going that way. With my fiance now, I know we will both change. It's life. The trick is to change together and not for the worse. Some flaws are workable, like him sleeping at tge edge of the bed. I wouldnt break up with him bc of that. Becoming emotionally unstable? I woul# try to help him but there would come a time where its me or him, no matter how much I love him.

 

People do fall out of love bit there usually other reasons to side that along.

 

 

I do agree with this.

 

I expected my ex to not change.

 

But now, I expect my boyfriend to change. And he's stable to start with. I know he won't radically change my mind but I'm prepared for his aging and all.

 

For me, my "breaking point" was the disagreement on the child issue (NO way you can compromise on that) and his emotional instability. He had been that way for about 8-9 months of our relationship and I couldn't rely on him. We tried to fix it and it didn't work. What was I to do? He even got jealous over me having male friends, friends that I had had for YEARS and they were dating too. Even if I told him exactly what I was doing with them, he'd get all emotional.

 

There is a breaking point, there really is. It wasn't healthy. I have no obligation to stay in a relationship that isn't healthy AND having tried to fix it, it's still unhealthy. Yes, I loved him...that wouldn't change, but I just couldn't be with him.

[flowers3261]

I've been on both sides. I was dumped after talking about marriage, kids, house, everything you could think of. He wanted to get married, but it was important to me to finish college and live that life first (not saying going out with a ton of guys and being a drunken fool) just being able to live on campus and be in college. The guy I had been dating for 4 years asks me to move in with him for the summer, but I said no I was going to live with my mom and dad for the last summer before I graduated. He decided that it wasn't good enough and broke up with me and started to date someone else. I was devistated. Worst feeling in the world. It ripped me apart and i thought i would never make it though. I remember thinking "how could he do this? I would never do this to anyone." Well.... last year i had to contemplate could I ever do that to someone? i had been dating the same guy, whom i had known since 5th grade!, for 3 years. I had moved to another state for a job and as time passed he said he wanted to get married and all that comes with it, but I didn't see it anymore. I felt horrible! I didn't know how to do it, but I knew it would make for a horrible life if I pretended. I knew he would be hurt, but in the long run it would be okay. I didn't talk to him on the phone, I didn't text him, etc. I didn't do these things because I felt that it would be better for him if I didn't come around and talk to him so much. It wasn't that I didn't care. I still really do, but why would I make it worse for him by reminding him of us? So therefore, in my case.... I can honestly say it is not easy. It is very hard! Ever though I try to keep my space, I know from previous experience it would have been better for my ex to just stay away instead of keep talking to me, because even if he didn't say it, i just kept thinking to myself "oh he is so nice, maybe it can work out." talk about beating a dead horse. I didn't want to put my ex though that so I leave him alone.

 

Being dumped and being the dumpee both suck! But the fact of life is, we get to happiness by trial and error. We have to try in order to help us pick out exactly it is what we want and we want it to be REAL not have someone fake it.

[Eternalhope]

Very eloquently put John.Like you,I would consider myself very loyal if I absolutely love that person.Indeed the word love is probably thrown around far too frequently.Anybody who expects love to be a walk in the park will end up disappointed every single time.If someone ends a relationship because they are not compatible on everything,they will find it very hard to find happiness.Where is compromise? Communication is so important too.

Most things can be worked on.The only no no's are abuse and infidelity

[OptomisticGirl]

There is compromise and then there is putting up with stuff for the sake of the relationship. You cant be happy in a relationship until you yourself are happy.

[Eternalhope]

There is compromise and then there is putting up with stuff for the sake of the relationship. You cant be happy in a relationship until you yourself are happy.

 

My last ex was clingy and needy and insecure.At times she treated me outlandishly.Because I loved her I accepted her regardless and tried to give her more self esteem.Eventually she finished with me because her insecurities wouldn't allow her to actually believe I loved her.Who should have walked away from this relationship? Me I believe,but because I loved and adored her regardless I never even thought about it.That's love for you,from my angle.