any dumpers on line

[forinstance872]

hey any dumpers out there willing to give us dumpee s some insight into your side things ... do ye even miss us and is it hard not to return our mails and do ye enjoy watching us suffer .. dont worry we wont bite... would like to hear any info at all

[Fudgie]

I was the "dumper" in ALL of my past relationships. I have never been "dumped".

 

In most cases, yes, I still missed the guy. But the reason I left was because a) ultimately I wasn't happy and b) I knew it wouldn't work out, so why prolong things? I don't date people just because I like them, I date them because I like them AND I see a possible future. With my last ex, one of the big reasons why I left him was because it was coming to light that we had many incompatibilities. Did he make me happy? Sure, most of the time he did, but I knew that we wouldn't make it long term, and that the best thing I could do was to let him go so BOTH of us could go off and meet people who we were better suited for.

 

In most cases, I missed the contact and it was hard to keep NC. In others, where the guy had hurt me badly or didn't treat me right (one guy stalked me) then no, I didn't miss them and I couldn't get away fast enough because it was a bad situation!

 

I never enjoy watching people suffer. When I kept NC, then I didn't need to see the guys suffer so I got to push it out of my mind. I sometimes felt a little guilty but in the end, I never felt guilty nor regretful because I knew I was doing the right thing for both of us. I wasn't happy...I needed to leave. It's not fair to the guy for me to stay when I'm not happy either. He deserved someone who would be happy with him. Sure, there's that initial break-up pain and hurt, but they move on.

[forinstance872]

to fudgie.... what brings you to this site today if you not a dumpee driven by pain??

[JohnTheMan]

Fudgie, what does it take to make you happy? At one point you saw a possible future with these men... Why the change of heart? Especially for the ones that are there and willing to make things work.

 

My EX broke up with me in what sounds like similar reasoning to your breakups, but i was willing to do anything to make it work... Therapy, counseling, self improvement, talking about things... So I was left feeling like crap, because where I would try she wouldn't. I think that people who want to make things work do. Its about reasoning, meeting halfway.

 

Perhaps, there is something that is missing within you??? Totally hypothetical...

[Fudgie]

to fudgie.... what brings you to this site today if you not a dumpee driven by pain??

 

Because I'm in a happy relationship now and I like to offer advice. I'm not in any pain at all. I'm sorry if you are.

 

Fudgie, what does it take to make you happy? At one point you saw a possible future with these men... Why the change of heart? Especially for the ones that are there and willing to make things work.

 

My EX broke up with me in what sounds like similar reasoning to your breakups, but i was willing to do anything to make it work... Therapy, counseling, self improvement, talking about things... So I was left feeling like crap, because where I would try she wouldn't. I think that people who want to make things work do. Its about reasoning, meeting halfway.

 

Perhaps, there is something that is missing within you??? Totally hypothetical...

 

Well, I know what I want in a guy and I just didn't find it in my exes.

 

I was very willing to make it work but I left when I saw that it couldn't. When you date someone, even over a long time, you get to know one another and sometime, at least in my case, you end up finding out stuff about the other person that makes you really incompatible.

 

Let's take my last ex...

I was happy for the first year or so. We had many good times together. He made me feel good. However, I saw him through some tough times during our relationship (don't worry, I didn't leave until AFTER these hard times were through) that were not there when we started dating. I saw that he was very irrational and emotionally unstable and unreliable then bad things happened. It bothered me, I didn't want to be with someone like that in the future. I felt like when ANYTHING bad happened, I had to be there to pick up the pieces. Also, he was starting to become clingy and when he initially hold me he did NOT want children, he changed HIS mind on me. Also, he really let his sex drive run wild on me. Nice in the beginning but his got HIGHER once we left the infatuation stage, not less. I couldn't deal with that.

 

I just saw over time that he was not the sort of person that I wanted to be with. I don't think therapy would have helped him because it's not like there was anything WRONG with him, these were all his traits as a person. He just wasn't for me. I had no doubt that he'd make another woman very happy but I knew that other woman wasn't going to me. And there is NO compromise on the child issue, at least for me.

 

I don't feel any regret over leaving, I really don't. He was like you, wanted me to stay, wanted to do all the therapy, all the 9 yards. But I knew it wasn't going to help because it would probably fix some things (his emotional problems) but not others (disagreement over kids, etc) and by that time, I didn't feel the same about him. All the clingyness and such got to me and I didn't feel good towards him. Of course I TRIED to talk to him about it before things got worse and you know what happened? He freaked out. I really did try to tell him when I wasn't happy and he never took it well nor improved. So I kept quiet for a while and eventually left him.

 

With my current boyfriend, when he does something that bugs me (very rare), I tell him and he takes it well. A relationship is a dynamic thing with us, we improve it when something feels lacking. My ex was always so protective of his ego and got defensive and emotional. I can't stand being with someone who gets that way when presented with a problem because then nothing gets fixed. I needed someone stable and rational, so that's why I left my ex and eventually found my current boyfriend.

[JohnTheMan]

i swear those words could have come out of m EX's mouth... perhaps, i'll understand that someday. i sure hope not though.

[Fudgie]

Why not? I was honest with my ex.

 

I never had any "hidden motive"...no secret love on the side, no worries about others, etc. I was 100% honest with him.

 

He just wasn't right for me, and I wasn't right for him. I know it hurts but it was the truth and it's probably the truth for your ex too.

 

Therapy is something you do when you want to improve yourself, not CHANGE the core of your being. I know my ex could have gone to lots of therapy but he still wouldn't have been able to make me happy because we just weren't compatible. Simple as that. I understand you wanting to try to keep you two together but sometimes it just doesn't work. It's through NO fault of yours or your ex's. Sometimes 2 people just aren't right for each other.

[JohnTheMan]

Why not? I was honest with my ex.

 

I never had any "hidden motive"...no secret love on the side, no worries about others, etc. I was 100% honest with him.

 

He just wasn't right for me, and I wasn't right for him. I know it hurts but it was the truth and it's probably the truth for your ex too.

 

Therapy is something you do when you want to improve yourself, not CHANGE the core of your being. I know my ex could have gone to lots of therapy but he still wouldn't have been able to make me happy because we just weren't compatible. Simple as that. I understand you wanting to try to keep you two together but sometimes it just doesn't work. It's through NO fault of yours or your ex's. Sometimes 2 people just aren't right for each other.

 

I didn't mean that as a cut on you. I meant that I don't want to have to go through another breakup and it was probably hard on you as well. The clingyness and needyness is a mistake made in a relationship. That can be fixed, its a learning experience thing. The emotional outbursts and dealing with stress can be resolved in therapy as well as the clingyness. As a result you end up with a more confident well rounded man. Its like looking at someone you haven't seen in 10 yrs... Are they the same? no.

 

The core never really changes. Thats my confusion. I lived with my EX for 3 yrs. I'd think before things got so deep that she would be able to make that call...

 

Perhaps you're right. I cannot accept that indeed, my EX and I were not right for each other...

 

Do you think you never truly loved that person in the first place? I mean, thats the core that you don't want in your life...

[Fudgie]

I think clingyness can be "fixed" in some people, and not in others. My ex had this problem in previous relationships, went to therapy, never got it fixed...I was inclined to believe that this was just a part of him, considering it had been there for so long AND he had tried a few times to address it. Some women may like that clingyness, some may not. One of my exes (the one who stalked me) was EXTREMELY clingy, to the point of obsession. I got scared and broke it off and was completely honest with him. Then he stalked me for a couple years. Now he's with another woman who is COMPLETELY clingy too so now they cling onto each other and you know what? They are really happy together. Ok, maybe not very healthy but if it works for them and they are happy, great. I hope it works out for them.

 

I mean, if he was naturally clingy (he just liked to be that way) I honestly think it's better for him to go find a woman who likes that sort of attention than to force him to "tone it down" or forcing me to put up with it. My ex (last one, not the stalker one) was not HORRIBLY clingy in a stalker way, that was just how he was...it was how he related to girlfriends. Like I said, not for me.

 

Sometimes it can take a while to decide that you're not right for someone. That's why you see people get divorces like after 10+ years of marriage. I do think though that it shouldn't take THAT long...maybe after 1 or 2 years, you should know, IMO. I was really into evaluating my feelings from the start and would always pick up on things that "weren't right" but that's me.

 

I think it is something to accept, that you and your ex weren't right for each other. Had you done therapy and changed, would it have worked out? Well that's hard to say considering she didn't want to stay with you to see that through. That's her choice. Not right or wrong, but it's her own and I hope she was honest with you from the start.

 

I am wishing you luck in your healing. I think you'll get there. Just takes time.

[Fudgie]

 

Do you think you never truly loved that person in the first place? I mean, thats the core that you don't want in your life...

 

Of course I loved him. I really did. I lost my virginity to him. It was an informed choice and I don't regret that at all.

 

I just got with him thinking he was thing and it turns out he was another. It takes a while to get to know someone. Things about him that I felt were compatible with me turned out not to be compatible. This was something I found out by being with him over time. Once I realized that we were not compatible (he started being REALLY emotional and clingy and wouldn't stop), I grieved for a while on the inside, then left him, and eventually, the feelings went away. I care about him and still love him on a certain level, but not in a romantic way. I have healed and those feelings are gone. But they did used to be there, that's for sure.

 

Perhaps in the case of your girlfriend, (I'm assuming you guys are younger), people do change. I'm sure I changed some during my relationship in terms of what I could tolerate and what I couldn't but my boyfriend changed too. She may have fallen in love with you, thought you were compatible, then over time, saw that you weren't. She may have stuck it out but then just couldn't do it anymore.

[JohnTheMan]

Thank you. I'm glad you have found a relationship that is right for you and is working.

 

I'm in therapy now. She came back 9-10 months later to talk about working things out but I wasn't ready. I pretended to be fully healed and as a result I still came off as an obsessed EX (not cool). Nothing like stalking, but bending over backwards for her and letting my time be consumed by her. Now, I am trying to rebuild a stronger version of me. One that doesn't let the relationship affect the overall goals in life. There were a bunch of things that led to my codependent behavior, but I don't ever want to be dependent on another person for happyness ever again. And your right. More time.

 

That doesn't mean though, that I believe we are not right for each other... it just means I was immature.

[forinstance872]

h m m interesting points there ...

[Fudgie]

Thank you. I'm glad you have found a relationship that is right for you and is working.

 

I'm in therapy now. She came back 9-10 months later to talk about working things out but I wasn't ready. I pretended to be fully healed and as a result I still came off as an obsessed EX (not cool). Nothing like stalking, but bending over backwards for her and letting my time be consumed by her. Now, I am trying to rebuild a stronger version of me. One that doesn't let the relationship affect the overall goals in life. There were a bunch of things that led to my codependent behavior, but I don't ever want to be dependent on another person for happyness ever again. And your right. More time.

 

That doesn't mean though, that I believe we are not right for each other... it just means I was immature.

 

Yep, that's what it takes more time. Like I said, you'll get there.

 

3 years is a LONG time so I can imagine that you're struggling a bit, that's okay. You're right, you can't be dependent on others for your happiness. Happiness needs to come from within.

 

I have moved on fine but my ex is still struggling (sadly). He is very emotionally-broken and does not want to face the truth that we were not meant for each other. I really feel bad for him. Out of respect for him, we are in LC and he does not know about my current boyfriend and happiness. I feel that it would hurt him. So I just tell him that I am feeling at peace with things and I want him to do the same.

 

I may have been the "Dumper" but I don't have any real hard feelings toward him. The only ex I still have troubles with emotionally is the guy who stalked me. It really ruined my sense of security and safety. I'm sure you're not like that...he would show up and stand accross the street from my home, trying to see what was going on, follow my car, follow my father and I on our walks, everything. When he began to press my autistic sister at school for "info" on me, I really lost it. That's just something I still can't forgive to this day.

 

I definitely think the therapy will help you.

[JohnTheMan]

WOW. I'm sorry you had to go through that. Sounds horrible.

[Fudgie]

I'm okay now, it was a long time ago. I'm sure he meant no harm but it really freaked me out at the time.

I just want to tell guys "don't do that!" and I guess it goes for girls too. Stalking is never fun, at least for the stalkee.

 

I'm sure you'll be okay with time. Are you NC with your ex? that may be a good idea, at least for a bit longer.

[JohnTheMan]

I'm okay now, it was a long time ago. I'm sure he meant no harm but it really freaked me out at the time.

I just want to tell guys "don't do that!" and I guess it goes for girls too. Stalking is never fun, at least for the stalkee.

 

I'm sure you'll be okay with time. Are you NC with your ex? that may be a good idea, at least for a bit longer.

 

I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it either. Still sucks. Probably really sucks for him, cause it seems like that was a mental illness. Do you know if he ever got help? Therapy?

 

I was in NC with her contacting me off and on for about 10 months. Then we started talking and seeing each other again. She cut things off. Saying she still didn't know what she wanted and needed time with us not dating. That there might be too much history. She wanted to stay friends and see other people, but see where we end up. I cut off contact as advised. But I know feel that it was because I hadn't healed. The attraction was lost again. I came off as needy and obsessive. Its been 3 months with absolutely no txts, emails, or phone calls. I'd say I technically broke NC with a friend showing me her fbook to tell me she was openly dating again, but for the most part I try to stay away. I practice thought stopping, and try not to think about her. Its hardest on weekends and holidays.

[forinstance872]

I'm okay now, it was a long time ago. I'm sure he meant no harm but it really freaked me out at the time.

I just want to tell guys "don't do that!" and I guess it goes for girls too. Stalking is never fun, at least for the stalkee.

 

I'm sure you'll be okay with time. Are you NC with your ex? that may be a good idea, at least for a bit longer.

 

i did the pleading thing for a month before i finally got the message . all fell on deaf ears .. my regret is she lost respect for me from this ... can you give your thoughts on thaT ?

[JohnTheMan]

i did the pleading thing for a month before i finally got the message . all fell on deaf ears .. my regret is she lost respect for me from this ... can you give your thoughts on thaT ?

 

time heals all wounds. she may have lost respect for you short term, but time lessens those feelings. improve on yourself and become stronger. if she sees you again, it will be in a new light.

[Fudgie]

I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it either. Still sucks. Probably really sucks for him, cause it seems like that was a mental illness. Do you know if he ever got help? Therapy?

 

Yes he had some mental problems. Refused to get therapy or anything. It was pretty bad.

 

i did the pleading thing for a month before i finally got the message . all fell on deaf ears .. my regret is she lost respect for me from this ... can you give your thoughts on thaT ?

 

Definitely she may have lost it but it would be short term.

If my one stalking ex just pleaded with me in the beginning of the break up and did NOT stalk me, I would have gotten over it...not gotten back with him, but I would have forgiven him and stuff. Honestly, we all do weird things when we break up with someone...it's so emotion-filled and things get said.

 

Again, with my stalking ex, he pleaded me in the beginning and I was just firm and left. I understood that he was said. But it should have just stopped here. Then the stalking started, and the "f yous" (from both sides) came out when I found him stalking me and I got really angry and upset and almost called 911 a few times.

 

Pleading is not bad on that scale as long as its kept to the beginning of the beak up and then you take time to improve afterward. It's really not that bad.

[forinstance872]

thank you for sharing ,, i hav found your thoughts /advice very helpful, and you only 21 , quite amazing , still we are opposite gender ,and womans point of view as a dumper is very helpful to me .. i hve made huge effort the last 7 dys ( with the help of this site and people like you ) to go and stay nc , i know my ex will appreciate this ( tho she has new guy already) in effect i hve grown up a bit ... would you mind if i "picked your brain" bit more over next few weeks???

[forinstance872]

to fudgie again ... just noticed you platinum member ... not surprised at alll

[Fudgie]

thank you for sharing ,, i hav found your thoughts /advice very helpful, and you only 21 , quite amazing , still we are opposite gender ,and womans point of view as a dumper is very helpful to me .. i hve made huge effort the last 7 dys ( with the help of this site and people like you ) to go and stay nc , i know my ex will appreciate this ( tho she has new guy already) in effect i hve grown up a bit ... would you mind if i "picked your brain" bit more over next few weeks???

 

I'm happy to help.

 

If you need any more help, you can just PM me.

[Eternalhope]

Johntheman,it sounds to me that Fudgie demands a man who is flawless.Imagine how boring that would become after a while,and maybe she'd dump him for being sooo perfect.I'm like you,I believe that in order to get the best out of a relationship,real work must be put in.Reap what you sow,as the saying goes.

 

To actually love someone and dump them for some incompatibles is just not real love.Maybe we all gauge love differently,but genuine love demands give and take,accepting flaws and loving regardless.With respect Fudgie you are young and I think you need to learn a hell of a lot about love.It may take someone you love to dump you to fully realise what I'm trying to convey.

[Fudgie]

Johntheman,it sounds to me that Fudgie demands a man who is flawless.Imagine how boring that would become after a while,and maybe she'd dump him for being sooo perfect.I'm like you,I believe that in order to get the best out of a relationship,real work must be put in.Reap what you sow,as the saying goes.

 

To actually love someone and dump them for some incompatibles is just not real love.Maybe we all gauge love differently,but genuine love demands give and take,accepting flaws and loving regardless.With respect Fudgie you are young and I think you need to learn a hell of a lot about love.It may take someone you love to dump you to fully realise what I'm trying to convey.

 

Oh I'm sorry...since when is wanting a man who is emotionally stable unrealistic?

 

And yes, I consider emotionally instability and disagreeing on children to be MAJOR, MAJOR incompatibilities. I'm sure most people on here would agree with me on this one.

What you are describing is "settling" and no, I don't think anyone should do that. Everyone needs to find someone that they fit with.

 

You can "work and work" all you want on a relationship but if the two people just can't be together (personal differences, different levels of seeing the world, etc) then it won't work. Both or one of the people isn't going to be happy. Now, I am not just talking about a "tough time" in a relationship that you need to work through, that's different. My last ex lost his job when he was with me and guess what? We stuck it out through the whole 5 months of his unemployment, where he lashed out at me, gained a ton of weight, etc. I understood that he was upset and I accepted that. However, AFTER he got his job back, I began to contemplate how he reacted to things...how he would flip out at me if I told him that I was upset over something, or when things didn't go his way, he'd get really upset. This was the way he was and I couldn't even talk to him about it without him freaking out and saying how I was "ripping his heart open when I told him I wasn't happy." well...that's why we were talking right? He just shut down.

 

I guess I am in the "wrong" here because my ex and I weren't compatible, we tried to fix it, and it didn't work, so I left. I guess I should have just stayed and kept my mouth shut, right, and just suffered through it with the wrong guy because that's "love" right? That's not fair to me OR my ex.

 

there is a major difference between incompatibilities and imperfections. I can overlook the latter but not the former.

 

My boyfriend is not perfect. He's a bit older than me, 370 pounds, many health problems (sometimes gross ones), sometimes can get a bit snippy in the morning, we disagree on politics, he sleeps with a CPAP, he snores sometimes, he doesn't like going out much, etc.

 

But you know what? We are compatible. We've been together for over a year (way longer than any of my exes). He's emotionally stable and secure, not clingy, and doesn't want children, which is huge for me (considering I'm infertile). My exes just didn't have that...I didn't feel that they were reliable. I was constantly their "crutch" and I couldn't talk to them about real issues without them flipping out on me and getting defensive. With my current boyfriend, we can sit down and talk about our issues in an adult manner. And yes, no relationship is perfect, but I get to talk to him about my concerns without him crying and screaming at me.

 

No regrets here. I've moved on and my ex will too. I wish him nothing but happiness. And yes, had we been compatible in those ways, I would have stayed. But we weren't.

 

I have a relatively short list of what I look for in a guy:

-emotional stability, maturity, ambition, intelligence, ability to listen, makes me giggle, has same interests as I do, doesn't want kids

(notice how looks isn't on there)

 

If a guy doesn't meet those things then I'm sorry, but I don't think I'd be happy with him. Those are the only things I ask for in a man and I'm willing to overlook imperfections but not core traits.

 

Your reply stung a little, as you can see. You don't know much about me, my boyfriend, or my exes. If you read my replies here, you'd see that I am far from trying to be perfect, as is my boyfriend. I feel like you are hurt over someone who dumped you over similar reasons and now are unhappy with me because you perceive it as "bad", like the other person should "stick it out" with someone even when it's clear that they aren't compatible.

 

Well let me ask you this....would you rather (having tried to work it out) have the woman stay and have her NOT be happy with you or would you rather let her go so you can both be happy with other people?

[OptomisticGirl]

Johntheman,it sounds to me that Fudgie demands a man who is flawless.Imagine how boring that would become after a while,and maybe she'd dump him for being sooo perfect.I'm like you,I believe that in order to get the best out of a relationship,real work must be put in.Reap what you sow,as the saying goes.

 

To actually love someone and dump them for some incompatibles is just not real love.Maybe we all gauge love differently,but genuine love demands give and take,accepting flaws and loving regardless.With respect Fudgie you are young and I think you need to learn a hell of a lot about love.It may take someone you love to dump you to fully realise what I'm trying to convey.

 

By that logic if someone cheats on you it's only a 'flaw' and you should stay with them? Screw that.

 

Yes, everyone has flaws. Me, my fiance, we all do. There are certain flaws you can work with, and others you can't. A guy who likes to hog the bed, you can work. A guy who runs around with you with a 16 year old, no. No matter the amount of love, there is just no working with the latter. Believe me. I tried. Age has nothing to do with it. Before you attack another board member, especially on a personal level, you need to read their posts and actually get to KNOW them, because a lot of times, you're just blowing smoke out your bum otherwise.