X won't leave me alone!!! Obsessed?

[Work-in-Progress]

Hey guys, maybe you can help.

 

I broke up with my X about 4-5 months ago, and we did attempt the whole friends thing.. he is still incredible nosey when it comes to who I'm with, what I'm doing. I've distanced myself from that for a while, not answered calls and kept him at an arms distance because I want him to know I'm independent and my life doesn't revolve around him anymore. He is a good friend, but he's so pessimistic and has a wondering eye... which inevitably is what ruined our relationship.

 

I am trying to get involved with another person now, and I just don't know whats going on or how to tell him to go away! He's a good friend, but doesn't make me feel good at all.. I've tried just not talking to him, but I guess a part of me still loves him... Any thoughts? Sorry, I'm a novice at something like this....

[lady00]

You need to cut off contact with your ex. You say you are good friends but good friends make us feel good about ourselves. This does not describe your ex. Remaining "friends" is holding you back from having new and better experiences. If you cut off contact, you will eventually start to feel better. You ask if you ex is obsessed but you say you may still love him and it doesn't sound like you've fully let go either and that's the main problem. Let him go as a friend for now because right now, neither of you is a true friend to the other. Concentrate on yourself, your real friends and this new guy. Maybe sometime in the future you can be friends with your ex but right now he's just causing you stress which you definitely do not need.

[TrueHeart]

I agree with lady. You do need to cut it off completely. There are times where we have good friends and bad friends.. Cutting the bad out increases your chances of furthering yourself mentally and phyically. If you still love him, perhaps you just need to tell him that you need time to think about things and you don't think its a good idea to be friends right now because of the confusion. If he is a true friend, he'll respect your feelings, if not... you'll know its not as great a loss as you think...

[hurtbylove]

You will be doing both yourself and him a favor by putting more distance between you guys.

 

He really should be trying to recover from this and not trying to get you back. It's stopping him from healing and stopping you from moving on with your own life.

[Beec]

I've got questions about this kind of a situation myself.

 

In late October 2001, I met "V" (no need to give names), we dated for a couple months and while I found her interesting, she was way too insecure for me to date. She had issues that clearly arose from ehr father leaving her mother when she was young. She also has issues with her father having left other women, since then. I think the insecurity originates from there, but it really does not matter to me.

 

She is a nice woman. If I asked for something, I am sure she'd try to help. Not so sure she could, but she'd want to help.

 

What happens is this. She still seems to have a desire for me. She calls all the time. Every day for I don't know how long. Often, I purposely miss her calls. My cell phone lists 9 of my last 10 missed calls as comng from her. She calls all the time for stupid and mundane reasons to request my advice and assistance. Sometimes, I give it. I'd like to be a decent guy. Her father did not want to see her at one time, how should she feel. She had a small legal issue, what should she do. She wants to do this. I see no real purpose to msot of the calls other than to call me and try to have some contact. It won't work, but even if it could, it happens so often it is annoying.

 

Can I get her to stop without being nasty about it?

 

Yesterday, she called and wants to talk about getting things off her chest and about how she wants to be friends with me. This is not something to discuss. If you want to be friends, then be a friend.

[TrueHeart]

I completely agree. It is hard to turn a person away like that, but it just boils down to if it comes to stressing YOU out too much, is it worth it? I would think not....

[Work-in-Progress]

It is harder than it seems, I know. I do care for him, but I care enough to really walk away and not confuse him. I am suppose to hang out with him this afternoon.. Problem is, he always wants sex or some sexual favor when I go over there... and though I am not really an item yet with my new guy, I still feel guilty for doing things like that. I know that the new guy I'm seeing and I aren't exclusive officially, but I'm the only person who shares affection with him-- to my knowledge.

 

My X is pretty good in the sack, and even though the relationship with the new guy is not on an exclusive BF/GF basis, I feel very guilty-- even just talking to my XBF....

[lady00]

You need to stop hanging out with your ex. and if you must, then do so in public where there won't be any chance of anything sexual. absolutely, stop going over to his place!

[TrueHeart]

I agree. Try to make things as public and casual as possible!! I would just cut the ties ASAP.. It is hard, I can vouch for that though...

[Kittengirl]

It helps no one to keep up this 'friendship' because you can never be free of the past. Your EX will not move on if you keep seeing him and if you are getting into sexual situations with him it doesn't help you build a foundation with the new guy. Cut him off for the time being. Maybe further down the line you can be friends.Right now this is just going to prolong the agony of splitting up and stop you getting on with your life.

[Just A Dreamer]

By nature most men have this Macho way of thinking which tells them that EX's, if not with you cannot be with anyone else.

Brakeups are alway's hard and i bet that he is having problems finding someone or getting his life back together.

I also think that you are not mature/ready to be friends yet, it might happen with time, but right now you need to get away from him.

I also hope that the person that you are seeing understands how you feel, so just in case talk to him about it, so he doesn't feel used as a rebound.

Be honest with him.

I'm still having problems with the EX of my Wife-to-be and although i feel bad about it sometimes, i know that it's not her fault, so i try to stand by her and just try to make her feel better in anyway i can.

I've also been scared about my girlfriend's feelings about his EX because i know that it's been many years together and there's lots of memories together. But she alway's talks about it and makes me feel good.

 

I once even asked her if she needed some space from me, although we are going to be engaged soon.

It was soooo hard to have to ask her that and i prayed inside that she wouldn't need the space from me, but that is what true love is like, you do whatever you have to do for the person you love to be happy, even if it means that it will make you miseable.

 

By the way....and thank god, she said that she didn't need the space.

 

So, my advice is: If you feel unhappy around your EX, keep away from him at all costs for now, time heals all pain and one day he will let you alone and you can even be friends again, who knows!!!!

 

About your current boyfriend, be honest with him about your problems and feelings, because he is in the middle of all this mess, so at least tell him what you feel, or he could get fed up of being the middle man and leave you. (Well he won't if he loves you enough but everyone has a limit).

 

KEEP AWAY FOR NOW !!!

[Work-in-Progress]

Easier said that done for most of you folks.. I have not contacted him in a few days now, and he hasn't contacted me. Somehow, I always feel like I'm 'obligated' to see how he's doing since he's in the middle of a legal battle, and I am a witness in his defense-- so staying in contact just because of that, keeps things going.

 

His phone has been off since our cats chewed up his phone charger, so its been off and he has no other phone. I know this because his phone died several days ago since the kitty thought it was a treat.

 

I know that I cannot move on, and I know it would be impossible for me to continue in a relationship if I even knew he was my friend... Sad to say. He's jsut so nosey sometimes, even though lately he's been pretty carefree... I just hope this legal crap gets done and over with so I don't have to mess with it anymore.... I do miss him, but there are things that I know I can do better on. I'm just at the stage where I love him enough not to see anything bad happen to him.