Serious Relationship, Strip Clubs, NEED OPINIONS!!!

[June4life]

I'm in a great relationship with my boyfriend, and have been for almost 8 months. I really care for him with all my heart, and I know he cares for me also. I love him so much and I have never felt this way with anyone else before. I seriously don't know what I would do without him, however we aren't obsessed or clingy with one another. Its a very healthy realtionship, except for one thing that bothers me.

 

A couple nights ago my boyfriend asked me if it would be okay with me if he went to a strip club with his buddies. My boyfriend has only gone twice in his life (before we were dating) and the first time he went he got a lap dance. But now he asked me if I would mind him going again with his friends, and I dont know what to think. It makes me extremely jealous to know that he is going to be looking at another girl in *that* sort of way, and then come home to me at night. I want him to be free to go hang out with his friends because ever since we started dating he hardly ever sees them, however I have mixed feelings about it being a strip club.

 

We have very great communication skills, we tell each other everything, and never hold anything back, but I have such a hard time talking to him about this. I just get so jealous of the dancer!! It makes me feel like I'm not pretty enough, or I'm not hott enough or something..... I dont really know, I guess its just jealousy that his eyes won't be just on me.

 

I know he's going to be seeing other naked girls besides me in his lifetime like at stag parties and what not, but for some reason the strip clubs bother me. I talked to his friends girlfriends and they have the same feelings that I do about this.

 

I would really appreciate girls and guys opinions on this!!

 

Is a lap dance considered cheating? Girls, do you let your guys go to strip clubs? How does it make you feel?? Guys how do you feel at a strip club when you have a beautiful girlfriend at home?

[Outlaw2747]

I really don't consider a lap dance as actual cheating but he is acknowledging the fact she is beautiful. To be perfectly honset, I'd put myself in the girl's position and I have respect for my girl (if I had one) and wouldn't even go to a strip club, even if it is too hang with the guys. I don't want my girl feeling upset about it and I definitely would not ask her if I could go. But then again, if he isn't the player type, try to realize that he will be coming home to YOU. But as for me, I don't need to look at another girl if I have my own stripper, best friend, and lover all in one wonderful package.

 

I really think he should be considerate about how you feel (and it was somewhat honorable that he asked to a certain agree) but if he loves you, he will come back home and won't say anything about his time with the other girls and put all his focus where it belongs....on YOU. Frankly, I don't condone going there when dedicated however.

[jessijess]

I don't think a lap dance is cheating unless its a raunchy place where they do other things during the lap dance. I've actually been to a few strip clubs with my friends & I don't think they're really all that bad. Most of my guy friends didn't even pay all that much attention to the strippers. They were just having fun hanging out with their friends.

You have to give your man props for talking to you about this too. If he feels open enough with you to ask, why not give him your honest opinion too?

[Gilgamesh]

I understand how you feel here,

 

First I truly believe that he just does these things because he still wants to feel as part of the "guys" it like a bonding thing. He wants to show he is the same ol joe, and that he isnt abandoning them bicause he has a girl now.

 

On the other hand, it hurts, I mean, I dont think i would fel that comfortable if my sweety was going to chipindales and letting men rub themselfs on her.

 

The reason these places bother you when he goes to them is because you know he will be getting sexually aroused by other women, real women that sometimes touch him.

 

If it really bothers you, you should tell him how you feel, tell him you dont care when he hangs and does other things with the guys, but that seeing other women naked for enjoyment isnt being very sensitive to your feelings etc.

[Outlaw2747]

I couldn't have worded it better Gilgamesh. Like he said, just let him know how you feel but don't forget to tell him that you understand that he wants to be loyal to his friends. Make sure to hit every point when you tell him how you feel. If he flips out on you then he is obviously being closed minded. A good man undertsnds where his girl is coming from when it comes from a situation like that. Good luck!

[Serendipity1607307077]

I know he's going to be seeing other naked girls besides me in his lifetime like at stag parties and what not, but for some reason the strip clubs bother me. I talked to his friends girlfriends and they have the same feelings that I do about this.

 

I agree completely. I don't think I can handle that. It makes me feel incredibly unattractive. I have talked to my bf.. He said "What you have to remember is that I am looking and not touching, and you need to realise that I am not going to sleep with them, I am going to be coming home to you." While in a way I agree with this, I have to say that when he comes home, he is probably thinking how hot that blonde girl with the big boobs is, and will reluctantly climb into bed with me, thinking "Damn, wish I could have that stripper." I don't think I can handle that.

 

Sometimes it makes me wonder whether I should become a stripper so that he is more attracted to me... know what I mean?? In fact, at one stage a couple of weeks ago it was something that I was seriously considering.

 

I really think he should be considerate about how you feel (and it was somewhat honorable that he asked to a certain agree) but if he loves you, he will come back home and won't say anything about his time with the other girls and put all his focus where it belongs....on YOU.

 

I wish he would do this. He does do a lot for me, and he understands how I feel about most things.. but he is stubborn with his point of view a lot of the time. Sometimes I can't say something without him thinking I am picking on him...

[Bingo72]

First and foremost, if the relationship is this new, he wouldn't even want to do this even if it's just because his buddies are going.

 

Let him know that you are not comfortable with it and then see what he does with that. That should be a sign for how things would be down the road for the two of you.

 

I wouldn't tolerate it at all. This kind of stuff leads to other things in most cases. Even if you are sure it wouldn't, do you really want to have this kind of thing to worry about??

[Outlaw2747]

Yea, tell him straight up you don't like that. Be firm but not too assertive. Don't make him feel like you are bullying him but just be general about how you feel. And if he really loves you, he will respect your feelings and stop going. Besides, why should he look at beautiful women at some club or bar when he has his own personal cutie back at home?

[lonelynshy]

I am a guy. You may want to read my latest post on the main forum. I would NEVER EVER hurt my girlfriend's feelings by going to strip clubs like that. It's just wrong. I think your boyfriend needs to ask your sincere opinion on this and if you say no,he should respect that. The only excuse he can have for not listening is if YOU watch male strippers but I don't think you do that. If I had a g/f,I would be faithful to her only. And I would definitely expect the same from her. If she started watching male strippers,I would have good reasons to end the relationship.I'm not suggesting you do the same but you need to tell your boyfriend that it hurts you. And you are justified in feeling this way. Please don't be a doormat for guys' raging hormones.

 

BTW,what are stag parties? I sound like a conservative fuddy duddy here but I firmly believe that once you have plighted your troth to someone,that person should be the ONLY naked person you intentionally see. (doctors excluded,hehehe). If I had a g/f,I would expect that I'd be the only naked guy she was seeing. If not,then I wouldn't feel comfortable spending my life with her.

[Outlaw2747]

Couldn't have said it better. I'd be pretty apalled if my girl went to some strip club full of guys and whatnot cuz then I am thinking..."Oh so i got to be tall and buff and have bright blues eyes and whatever to spark her interest like that huh?" I don't want to put her thorugh any drama over a girl that dances in a club that EVERY GUY stares at and vice versa with her and the stripper guys. As i said before, why do i need to look at some dancing naked woman when I got my own wonderful woman to stare at? I don't need them. My girlfriend is all I need to get excited over. Unfortunately, I don't have one at the monent.....

[lonelynshy]

Yeah same here. It sucks that we can only talk about imaginary girlfriends...god knows if we'll EVER get one to put all our imagination,beliefs and fantasies into practice. The only thing that scares me more than being single is to have an unfaithful g/f,or a flirty g/f who strays a lot and gets aroused by other guys.

[Outlaw2747]

Yes it is scary. I have had a girlfriend before...about four of them and all were very unsuccessful. But the second one is in question because of a misunderstanding somewhere (but that's another story). But the other three were definitely he!!. I either got used, cheated, joked around, or just thrown in the trash as casually as you would a piece of paper. For now, I can only dream and imagine but I would rather be single than to be with a very nasty girl who doesn't care about you. That would totally destroy me as it has done in the past. Strip clubs would not be of any help at all.

[CherryGrl]

Wow, I am surprised to read all of these strong opinions against going to strip clubs. I just posted something in another thread about this same thing.

 

I've been to strip clubs with my current boyfriend, as well as with a former husband, and I can attest that although there might have been one or two drunken guys making a big deal of the dancers, most of the guys didn't seem to be paying that much attention. It's usually just the entertainment in the background. I've never thought that my boyfriend wanted to have sex with the stripper rather than me.

 

I've also been to clubs with male strippers a few times, and this is just about the same experience for the ladies as it is for the guys, it's female bonding and nothing more than a good time. I've never been to clubs where the male dancers put their hands all over the customers. I've never had a dancer touch me at all, and the only time I've touched a dancer was to tuck money into his g-string, which is definitely just a giggly girl bonding experience and has nothing to do with wanting to have sex with the guy.

 

As I said in my other post, if my boyfriend went to strip clubs all the time I would not like it, but if he doesn't. I know there are guys who are really into strip clubs and lap dances, participate in this sort of activity frequently and spend a lot of money in strip clubs. I wouldn't want to be involved with a guy who had that particular obsession. But for the majority of guys in strip clubs, I just don't think that's the case.

 

I don't care for the idea of lap dances. I would prefer that my boyfriend not have physical contact with the dancers. That said, with guys going in a group and they egg each other on to participate in this activity, the guys I've seen in this situation usually laughed self-consciously and blushed a lot. It wasn't some big sex scene.

[June4life]

Wow Thanks everyone for the overwhelming response!

 

Like some of you mentioned,

 

"But then again, if he isn't the player type, try to realize that he will be coming home to YOU."

 

and

 

"What you have to remember is that I am looking and not touching, and you need to realise that I am not going to sleep with them, I am going to be coming home to you."

 

I think this is what bothers me the most. LIke Giglamesh said, he is getting sexually aroused by other women and then coming home to me. That makes me feel like I am not good enough, and that I am only a pawn in his game. I'm a fairly attractive girl, I'm 5'8" 130lbs, long brown hair, blue eyes, and I am a model.

 

I just have mixed feelings on this, I know he wants to be part of the guys, which is understandible, but I just cant come to a happy median with him on this!!

 

 

Oh- a stag party is the same as a bachelor party-- you know, the night before the wedding when the guy has his party and strippers or belly dancers are usually there.....

[lonelynshy]

I'm sorry if this offends you but a real man should know when to turn down his buddies' invitations(with polite explanations of course) and when not to. If this offends his buddies,they are not true friends. Two of my guy friends invited me to go hunting with them. Since I am a vegetarian,I declined because it offended my code of ethics. I didn't make fun of THEIR beliefs or anything but I did decline to come along. No problem. If your boyfriend wants to spend time with buddies,why does he HAVE to do so in a strip club? There are so many less controversial places to hang out. Either he's afraid of their reaction if he declines, or he doesn't care all that much about your feelings vis-a-vis the strip club. That's my take on the affair.Now if you insisted that he stay with you all the time and never talk to his buddies, you would be at fault. But you're only asking him not to go to a strip club because it hurts you and he ought to understand that.

[June4life]

Yeah, he does hang out with his friends all the time, and he hasn't gone to any strip clubs since we've been dating... he just asked if I would mind. They hang out at bars, and have their own little parties every now and again, but it just bothers me that he is looking at someone else rather than just me.

 

I respect the fact that he asked if I would mind him going. It shows he truly cares about how I feel.......

 

I think I should just tell him, "I respect the fact that you want to hang out with your buddies, but why does it have to be at a strip club? It makes me feel insecure and that I'm not good enough for you...." or something along those lines.

 

Girls, what do u think about him going to strip clubs?

[Serendipity1607307077]

I guess it's just that.... well, if he loves me as much as he says, he wouldn't need to look at other women.

 

How would he feel if I went to a male strip bar and had them dancing around me naked? I don't think he would like it. So why doesn't he see if from my perspective?

[Respect]

you should invite yourself along with him sometime. You might want to think about it this way - think of the strip club trip as a test: use it to know where your relationship stands with your bf. Arrange for a date with your gf's to go to a male strip club - tell him, and see how he responds. You are obviously ready to be openminded about this because you are asking our opinion about if it's right or wrong. That's a good thing. Now if your bf has no problem with you going to a strip club with your gf's - you probably have nothing to worry about. Get my drift?

[sprkal]

Hmm, well I can definitely see how you are feeling, I would be exactly the same! I'm not sure whether I would be comfortable with it or not... I know I would experience feelings of jealousy/inadequacy - but I am very trustful of my boyfriend and I know that he loves me and how I am.

 

It depends on what your boyfriend is like I suppose, is he likely to compare you to these women? Is he likely to even consider that you are comparable to these women? I think my boyfriend would probably consider me to be in a different league altogether than the dancers in a strip club, and thereforeeee incomparable. At least I hope thats how he'd see it. Does that make sense?

 

The whole strip club thing is a bit of a fantasy world isnt it? Its all about seeing, but not touching... its not as though they are going to DO anything is it? Lap dances can be pretty erotic... but again, it all just adds to be fun experience - I wouldnt count it as cheating, unless he does? Respect has a good point - you should see how he will react if you were to do the same sort of thing. In that will lie your answer I think.

 

You can't really stop him from going I suppose, and the fact that he has asked you if you would be alright with it is a good sign. Tell him how you feel - I'm sure he will be able to put your mind at rest.

 

 

[Francis]

I must agree with LonelyandShy when he says:

 

I'm sorry if this offends you but a real man should know when to turn down his buddies' invitations(with polite explanations of course) and when not to. If this offends his buddies,they are not true friends.

 

And I agree fully with Respect : This may be a situation where you have to fight fire with fire : Arrange to go to a male strip club with you girlfriends, or if you don't want to go, pretend you're going and see how he feels. Some people have difficulty in putting themselves in another person's shoes, so show him how you feel by mimicking his behaviour.

 

Good luck!

[June4life]

I really think me going to a strip club with my friends and seeing how it makes him feel would do nothing in regards to this. We're open minded about everything, and he knows for a fact that I think male dancers are disgusting. Sorry, I'm just not into that extremely buff, oily guys in thongs thing. lol, just not my cup of tea.

 

I talked to him about it today.... basically I told him how I felt. Just everything I've said in these posts. It was a great conversation (we have great communication skills) neither of us were mad or angry, but I broke down and cried........

 

I just told him how I felt about the strip clubs and....

 

He said, "well, when i go out with my friends we don't plan everything we're doing. we just go out. sometimes we'll go to bars, other times to Boston Pizza, and some times we just hang out and go to the strip clubs."

 

I then told him it really bothered me if he went in the strip clubs and that it would hurt me if he did and he said, "well, what do you expect me to do? just sit outside on the curb? I'm obviously going to go in with the guys."

 

And then I told him, "well it shows me you dont care about what i think, or how i feel. And you know that I hate you going there and it hurts me, but you would still do it anyway regardless of my feelings."

 

By this point I was pretty upset and crying, but neither of us were angry or anything. I have never cried in front of my boyfriend, but this time I think my tears truly showed him strong my feelings are about this.

 

He held me in his arms and told me, "you have nothing to worry about. you cant get upset at something that never happened. Believe me, I would take you with me to the clubs if I could just to show you how its more hanging out with your friends than looking at naked girls."

 

So i don't know. It was a great convo. and I'm glad I got it off my chest. He doesnt seem mad or angry at me at all, so thats good. He told me he'd take me along if he could, but he cant. I really do want to go with him, and I would if I could. We live in the United States, and to go in strip clubs you have to be 21. However we live 20 minues from the Canadian border, and there you only have to be 18 to go in the clubs. I'm still 17, so thats why I can't go.

 

Well everyone, thanks sooooo much for all your help. I really appreciate it. Any more thoughts???

[sprkal]

I think he's given you the answer June. You dont need to worry! Its just a guy thing! I'm sure if you consider it, and believe in what he says, you will see that it's more than just checking out other women.

[NittanyKitten]

I see no problem with strip clubs... if the guy I'm dating (if and when I have one) wants to go, then he can go! Just let me know, so it's not like you're sneaking around behind my bak or something. Either before he goes or when he gets back... Hell, for my 21st b-day (in 2 years) I'm being taken to Chip-n'-Dale's in NYC... if I'm with someone at that time, then he's going to have to deal for that one... I was promised that when I was 7 years old!!!

[Outlaw2747]

Sure strip clubs may be harmless fun in most cases. But to be perfectly honest, a guy or girl that goes to a strip club and has someone is obviously going just to look at someone that has something as far as looks that your partner doe not have. Red flag for me, that just tells me my girl wants some guy with baby blue eyes, sizable muscules, height, or whatever else these guys have (I am a small guy in weight, height, and sturcture.). Out of pure respect, I WILL NOT go to a strip club if I have someone. The only girl I need to look at is the one I have given all my love to....something most of these strippers could never give me.

[June4life]

Ugh. lol, This is frustrating.

 

I understand why a guy would want to go look at a girl who has something that I may not. But this is so far from the truth. lol, at least I think so.

 

I'm 17 years old, 5 foot 8 inches tall (173cm), I weigh 137 (62kg), my boobs are 34D. I'm athletic and I'm a freaking model!! I dont know what else he wants!! Lol