Dating a codependent. Advice?

[byates5637]

So I have been dating a wonderful girl for a little over 2 years now. We actually have been split up for the last couple weeks (due to fighting) but it looks like we are going to forgive each other and give it another try.

 

 

Anyway, lately I have been realizing she has a pretty serious codependency problem. Not in her relationship with me so much, but a few other relationships she has. I am a few years older than her, have my * * * * together (good job, education, family, money) and am fairly confident so there really is no need for her to try and "help" me, like codependents love to do. So first some history on her, then a couple questions:

 

 

She is 22, a college graduate, and works full time. When she was 5 her dad died from cancer. She was raised by her mother who became an out of control alcoholic. Her mom was drunk all the time, constantly had money problems, and constantly was either embarrasing the family and/or getting arrested. Her mom finally got sober 2 years ago after her 4th DUI landed her in jail. But the damage was already done to my girlfriend.

 

 

My girlfriend became a perfectionist, very socially reserved, and a codependent. At work she is terrified to ever stand up for herself or speak her mind. She just slaves away for her boss all day long without ever stirring the pot. At home, she bends over backwards to accommodate her messed up mother. She goes to great lengths and makes great personal sacrifices to please her mother's selfish demands. She feels she has to take care of her. And in her friendships, she attaches to girls with serious problems and feels like it is her responsibility to fix them. The friendships are usually one way streets...all about her friend and not about her at all. Basically she is selfless to such an extreme that is makes her miserable and she is missing her own life. It also has bad effects on our relationship.

 

 

 

 

So is there anyway she can change, and is there anyway I can help her? I'm not sure if she is even familiar with the term "codependent." Should I bring it up to her and tell her I think she has a problem? How do I approach this to help her and our relationship?

[-Sanguine-]

I can relate to your girlfriend a lot. I also go to great lengths to avoid conflict and I try to make everyone happy. I have, in the past, tried to fix my boyfriends who had their own issues and drinking problems. Not only boyfriends, but I usually reach out to anyone who is trouble. My dad was an alcoholic who passed away when I was 12. For a long time, I felt like I was missing out on my own life, and only living for others.

 

I am finally at a point where I tell myself everyday that I should be living for myself and I am trying to get over the guilt of not making everyone happy because that's just not possible. I haven't recovered 100% but I have come a long long way.. and the first step I took was breaking things off with my boyfriend who I was trying to fix.. he has drinking problems and issues. So I ended it with him and have taken the steps to get better. I started going to counselling, which has helped immensely - I recommend it, for sure. I also would say she should try an Al-Anon meeting.. I haven't attended one yet, but I hope to and have heard goo things about it. She also has to do a lot of self-reflecting and realize her different emotions and how to handle them without living for other people.

 

I really hope your girlfriend can get help.. I know it is possible! I also know that she has to WANT to and put in that extra effort to get there. Good luck

[SWEET_J]

Yes..Al-Anon will be a great start...and the book 'Women Who Love Too Much'. It covers the way women relate to their relationships based on the way they were raised..and it covers a LOT on alcoholism and co dependency. You sound like a very caring and wonderful b/f..she is lucky to have you.