8 year old son is going to get expelled

[Calima]

The past month and a half my 8 year old son has been having serious problems in school. He displays erratic aggressive and violent behavior. I am a single mother and do not have a lot of money. I have been trying to get social workers and psychologists into his life as to try to pinpoint the problems, but it so slow going unless you can dish out the cash. I am unable to work as the school needs my constant attention. I have to pick him up early for incidents about 3 times a week. I've spoken to him about it. I've punished him. I've given possible rewards. I've had others speak to him. Still nothing helps. The school board has asked me to a meeting it's gotten very serious, I am so afraid for them to stick him into one of those special schools. Will he get the proper education? I don't know what to do anymore... Anyone else out there who have seen this type of thing before? Can anyone offer me advice on how to speak to an 8 year old so that they listen attentively and the message gets accross? My son has the intellectual capabilities of someone far older, yet, his behaviour shows otherwise! (the problem isnt academic)

[Fudgie]

If the problems persist, they may well put him in a special school. Is he hurting other kids? If he's being terribly violent, my first concern would be to get him to stop, then worry about his education. It's clear he can't remain where he is without something being done.

 

Has he undergone a psych evalution with the school psychologist? Id forget trying to condition him with rewards and go that route.

[CatsMeeoow]

First and foremost don't give up!

 

Ask the school to provide some testing for him. If you live in the states the public school system should have things in place - he should have a thorough work up and you should be working with the schools psychologist.

 

I was the single mom of an autistic child and for years it was just the two of us. Now I was alert and recognized issues when he was two... and while my pediatrician is a great man he really had this "will pass" concept that I wasn't buying. I was fortunate and could afford private therapy BUT had I not the state I live in provides physical and speech and occupation therapy for preschool kids. Once they are school age the school would have taken over.

 

Now I'm fortunate - years of my personal time put into my son and the therapy I could afford my son - who is academically brilliant is in regular school but he is still socially behind others. Now for the most part his behavior hasn't been that aggressive though even at 9yr old he will still occasionally bite (cringe!) I work with the school system and teachers to catch and ward off issues before they become real issues and he attends a class with other socially challenged kids outside of class 1hr a week.

 

You need help. Your son needs help. You cannot do this alone.

 

If you cannot find help within your means you need to appeal to the school. Don't be afraid of a school special services. See what they offer and how you can take the best advantage of that.

 

Also think of it from a teacher's perspective - I waited an extra year before starting my son in school because he was so behind socially and well still frequently biting. I didn't want the other students in the class to be left behind because the kindergarten teacher had to spend more time focused on my child's problem. We spent that extra year fine tuning his social skills and he did very well when I finally sent him to school. So your son's behavior is making a difficult learning environment for the rest of the kids... that's not fair. The school has a responsibility to your child but also to all the other children.

 

You need to be in counseling yourself. If you cannot afford it some churches offer some great counseling services on a sliding scale for payment based on income. You need a support system in place for you own sanity. This is a big burden to carry... I know... I've been there.

 

I can't stress enough how much you need to go to this meeting with the idea that the school wants to help meet your son's needs and currently they aren't. Work together. Get him tested. Get a plan of action. Get a support group.

 

Don't Give Up!!!!

[hyperion9384]

A good spanking normally set me and all of the other kids I know straight. I know I'm going to get flamed here, but think about it. Most "modern" kids have no respect for authority becasue there aren't enough measures in place to fear.

 

I've got three kids that I do spank when they are bad. They know and understand the difference between wrong and right. They also respect my rules and understand the infractions will have a cost between a swat or two (this shows that the parent won't tolerate disobedience and commands respect), and some grounding, which is the punishment side of the house for the rule violation. A cell phone, a computer, any contact with friends makes life rough to simply "cut out" for a modern child that is normally used to enjoying these benefits. I would replace them with hard work. Again, I'm not advocating beating a child, I'm advocating a few steps that can put a kid back on the straight and narrow. I'm pretty sure that other folks here that are 32 yrs + understand that they got spanked when they did something wrong and although they didn't appreciate it when they got a spanking, they certainly appreciate the reasons why they got them today.

 

T.

[2kids]

If the child is already being violent, I am sure a spanking is not the answer. I agree with Cats. The school should have something in place because I am sure your child is not the only, has ever been or ever will be, child to have issues. Talk to the school. Is there something like the United Way in your area? Also you can contact you local human services department. Good luck.

[Calima]

So far I've been able to find a social skills program for him at a hospital, but there is a waiting list. I am in Canada, there is the Big brothers organization which I have contacted as to try to get him someone else BESIDES me to talk to him. I am becoming white noise to the little guy and he cares not for my advice on how to deal with other kids and teachers. I suppose I should e a bit more transparent about the current issue. Last week he responded to a hit in the face from a child by choking them. It took a teacher a few minutes to remove his hands from the childs neck. I keep looking at it and hoping that its an isolated event. This is beyond serious, and yet... the school simply suspended him. I've been trying to work with their psychologist and social workers, but so far all they have given me is a bunch of "I will get back to you's" I live in a new city and province now and cannot find the resources I need.

 

Fudgie- You are right, and it still terrifies me.

 

Cats- Thank you for being blunt and honest, and I know I can't keep banging my head on the wall and expect results. I needed to hear it from someone else I guess.

 

Confident- I am sorry but I have to disagree, some children grow up and shrug this stuff off. With my son, it would scar him for life. Hitting will sadly not help. He has enough insecurities as is.

 

2kids... What is a local human services department? I've never heard of it. Maybe we have similar but its called something else. What do they focus on?

[2kids]

I am not sure what human services is called in Canada, but what they do here is have programs that deal with the needs of people that cannot get the help through ordinary methods like looking up someone in the phone book and paying for it. Many times the programs come as free or reduced. Hope that helps. Call the head of the town you are in and tell them what you are looking for and maybe they can point you in the right direction.

[BellaDonna]

Hi Calima. Has the school done anything to help get your son formally evaluated? He should see a school psychologist and child psychologist to diagnose what is going on. The school, with your consent, should be taking the lead on getting him evaluated through the specialists they hire. You can also pursue a private school psychologist or family therapist- but the educational evaluation is something the school should be helping with. There are behavioral, menthal health, and/or mood issues that can affect a child's school performance, and they have nothing to do with intelligence or cognitive capabilities.

 

Some things that come to mind when I read your description of him are early onset bipolar disorder or oppositional defiance disorder.

 

The school board has asked me to a meeting it's gotten very serious, I am so afraid for them to stick him into one of those special schools.

 

They can't (legally) stick him anywhere without a formal evaulation. Perhaps a first step for you is to look for a parent support organization in your area that specializes in this issue. You need to know your rights and responsibilities as a parent in this situation- and the options for your son. If you talk to another parent from a parent support organization they can give you valuable first-hand knowledge of how to navigate the education system if you think your child may have special needs- and some advocacy skills. School districts may not give you all of the info because more often than not, they try to avoid paying for evaluations whenever they can get away with it.

 

Can anyone offer me advice on how to speak to an 8 year old so that they listen attentively and the message gets accross?

 

If your son actually has a mood disorder or mental health issue, you will drive yourself crazy trying to address it without the help of professionals. That is why an evaluation is so important.

[CatsMeeoow]

I had the very same struggles when my son was 3... I missed a great deal of work and it was stressful - my son was kicked out of daycare when he was 2yr old... he was biting... out of frustration and lacked other communication skills. Now I had some additional issues as this was around the time his father left and just made life heck for us. I would work with my son 24/7 only to have him spend the weekend at his dad's and have him horribly backslide because his dad refused to work with me. Eventually I petitioned the court and was awarded my son his own attorney to look after his interests.

 

I too was told "just to bite him back"... yeah right whatever... they had no understanding of my son's issues... autism.

 

The key is - I didn't give up. I got my son a counselor who works with young children and along with her help and advice I worked with the daycare to get him in with a teacher who would be more posiitive with my son. I made it a rule - If you leave a note at the end of the day telling me something my son did wrong (i e he bit or scratched another child) then you must also leave behind a compliment (i e he stood in line on the way outside and kept his hands to himself.) I refused to always discuss my son's short comings with him at the end of the day. Especially if they may have happened hours before I picked him up (he was 4). Sometimes we are always so critical that we forget its important to point out the behavior we want... that's the stuff we are proud of!

 

Now again I was fortunate that I could afford a counselor who saw my son regularly and even did preschool visits to observe him with his teachers (this all help us understand my son and to help the teachers know what works best for him.) BUT, during all this time I was under a great deal of strain... lost time from work... issues with his father... and well the stress of being the only functional parent of a special needs kid. I needed support... I needed counseling... My mental and emotional health is equally as important because who else is going to take care of this guy?

 

I don't think for you its an issue of getting help from Big Brothers so that someone else can talk to him... uhmmmm... I'm sure his teachers have talked to him and well that still isn't working. You need professional help.

 

Now I realize that many of these services are slow to act and process and get things in place. I will say having known this I started the process a year before my son went to school. I was already in their office and had an appointment with the school psychologist. Now having had a few years of private therapy and diagnosis from some leading specialist I skipped a lot of the stuff but when it came down to choosing a teacher and what he needed - it was all in place day 1. I'm very lucky in that I have a school system that works to meet my son's needs though I must say now at 9yr old his needs are less... just needs strict routine above all else so the first part of the year is most difficult.

 

All I can say is keep calling... keep being a voice that's being heard. Call and ask the names of who you speak to... call back and use their names... be friendly... ask for supervisors... go in in person. Keep a log of who you call... when.

 

Don't be afraid to seek your pediatrician... discuss the issues with him. A medical work up may be helpful... what about an allergen elimination diet? Foods affect kids quite differently and seriously. Ask your pediatrician for referrals and assistance.

 

Make a list of two things you can accomplish today... and then go from there and never forget to tell your son something your proud of him for or that you love him everyday.

 

Hang in there...

[Calima]

Just to give updates, the lady from the school board I was supposed to meet never showed up, waited for an hour before I realized it was time to go home. On a plus note, I was able to give authorization for the school psyc to profile my son, and she got started right away. So far he's had 2 half hour sessions with her during school time, and they've sent home a questionnaire for me to fill out at home. Things are moving along... I give thanks to everyone who took the time to read this forum and give replies, it was all useful to me! Thank you!!

[2kids]

Congratulations on getting the ball rolling!! Isn't it funny how since your son was such a problem no one showed up for a meeting!?! Just stay on top of it and it may take some time and a few trials on the way but in the end your son will get the help he deserves. He and you both deserve some peace and happiness.

[Calima]

Funny... I don't know. I was pretty pissed! Although... maybe the meeting wasn't about expulsion after all, or she would have been there. Heard through the grapevine she was going out of town for a few days.

[2kids]

I meant funny as in strange, not haha funny. I would be mad too. Hey at least you think it is important to get your son help. Keep him high on your priority list because obviously no one else is. But if she calls and wants to schedule another meeting I would decline because you are already getting help. Tell her she obviously didn't care about missing the first meeting so you will pass on a second, not to be rude. If you didn't show she probably would have tried to report you to someone.

[Calima]

If you didn't show she probably would have tried to report you to someone.

 

You make a good point, I might just call and demand some answers tomorrow morning. Thanks.

[3boys]

What about his pediatrician? He/she should be able to get you in to see a psychiatrist in your area. If you don't have one, find one. Since all the school seems willing to do is complain, you need to complain LOUDER and be your child's advocate. Call every day if you have to....the same with an outside psychiatrist/social worker. As the old adage goes, "the squeaky wheel gets the grease"

[Calima]

Things are looking up. Slowly but surely. I got a call from his school on Thursday asking me to come pick my son up. I was told she shook a little girl and refused to serve his detention. I REALLY hate making the school the enemy, I try to not blame them, but there are communication problems. I ask myself every time they call- what provoked this? Thursday I voiced it out loud. Asking "What happened?" wasn't good enough, they felt they had already told me. So now I'm asking... is it fair to demand all the information I desire? I think it is, but it puts them on the defensive. I gave up asking questions and went in to see what was going on for myself.

 

My son was still in the detention room long after recess had passed. He was sitting with 2 (amazing) women. One who is a behavioral specialist there to take control of possible escalating aggressive behavior. The second lady is a childcare worker, who normally works with a girl in his class who has special education needs. The girl was absent, and she was free to work with my son. Upon entering the class, both women looked at me and asked me why I had come. I told them I was called and asked to get him, and they looked at each other dumbfounded. They were sitting in the detention room, counseling him and just trying to let him know how to handle himself. We all sat and spoke for what seemed like an hour. The situation had been under control.

 

So what really happened? Why had I been called in?

 

My boy had a leftover detention to serve from the week before. He was told he had the option of going and serving it now, or choosing to listen to story time in the library with one of the teachers, because he had been good that week. He chose the story time, and the kids lined up to go outside. He wrapped his arms around the waist of the girl in front of him, like a hug. She didn't like it (fair enough) and she yelled out. His teacher reprimanded him and told him his story time was taken away and he'd have to serve detention. Kids go out... Well, now he is upset, he goes and hides behind lockers and his teacher goes off to have her break. The detention monitor sees him from the detention room and calls him in, but he refuses to go in. She speaks to him to ask him what happened, and he tells her about the story thing. She tells him if he wants to go to the story, to go ahead. This now puts him into the position of -Should I go? What if my homeroom teacher sees me? (He has a huge fear of being yelled at) Instead of going, he sits in the detention, curls his hands into fists and starts to cry and turn red.

 

This is when the 2 (amazing) women come in to take control of the situation. Finally, I speak to the principal and I told her that sending him home for something like this is going to reinforce his hate for school... and also he isn't getting an education. I told her that I wanted him back in class, and since the childcare worker was free to work with him, she could. I let them know if there was anything else, they could call me. Nothing happens, he comes home like any normal kid, in a normal mood.

 

Friday he comes home relaxed, says he has a good day. We go out, and put his homework off until Saturday (my fault!) On saturday, I see that he has 3 notes- (3 teachers- 3 notes- omg!) in his agenda about how helpful and good he was. Monday was a good day as well, but no notes. So... it's hasty to say it's "turning around" but I think his school is starting to get that they need to start paying attention more, because my son is having difficulties, and I cannot always be there to address them, and finally, they cannot be expelling him until they know for certain he CANNOT be dealt with without the attention of a special school.

 

Time for me to call them and find out about the school psychologist's work with him.

 

-Thanks for listening.

[Calima]

Pediatricians are impossible to get where I am from, he doesn't have one, Cannot get one. My only options in terms of doctors would be to go to other towns, or continue going to random doctors at the walk in clinic.

[thejigsup]

My son is mildly autistic and I know all about those "phone calls from the school". My son was never violent but other children were violent towards him. I hate to sound bigoted, because I am not, but I worked for a school district where most of the students were minority students. The faculty at all the schools in this district did nothing to reprimand the children who picked on him, they just said they would talk to them and they really never did. Finally, in 7th grade, I pulled him from this district and put him in the school district where we lived. It is in a solid middle to upper class city and the schools allowed NO bullying of any kind. My son thrived in this district, made friends, became active in athletics (the other district just saw that he was autistic and put him in adaptive p.e.) he was a great runner and basketball player in school. He graduated high school with a solid B average and friends. You can't make a school serve your son well, you have to find a school that does that already.