Confused... but not really?

[Finch]

I broke up with my ex-girlfriend about 4 months ago and things after the breakup went smooth. She didn't handle it well at all considering that she was totally devastated. However I was happy to be out of a harsh relationship that was abusive to me in many aspects. I continued contact with her basically only because she wanted me to so badly. That wasn't a big deal to me, however, I did have to deal with a lot of drama that she created.

 

Eventually several months later that drama began to be too much and interfered with my hook up life. She heard that I had hooked up with a past friend of hers, unknown to me that she was a previous friend of my ex, and my ex exploded. She was calling everyone telling about how I was a jerk and how this girl was a sl*t. It was incredible. I couldn't believe what was happening before me. That's when I decided to end all contact with her.

 

After that things settled down in my life and so did the girls. When I broke up with my ex I found frequent girls ready to hook up and always enjoyed their company. Also, by hooking up I don't mean one night stands or anything... just fooling around. Anyway, after that one night of drama with my ex I haven't hooked up with anybody. That was nearly a month ago and right now I'm trying to figure out what is wrong with me.

 

I have been thinking about my ex-girlfriend way too much. I even broke the no contact rule the other day because I wanted to speak to her. I think about her often but the thing is.. when I'm the phone with her I think to myself, "What am I doing?". I just don't enjoy her company on the phone as she acts WEIRD. She acts really distant sometimes and just odd behavior. She told me she needed to get off the phone and would call me back because she didn't want me to think that she was weird. So she calls me back an apologizes for acting weird.. then a few minutes later she starts acting strange again, lol. I know she isn't acting weird towards me because when I was talking to her she was requesting that maybe we hang out sometime when she gets back into town (she went to Mexico). That brings another question.. why is she acting so weird towards me?

 

Anyway, so my question really is why am I doing this? I know that deep down I don't want my ex-girlfriend. That is a clear cut fact considering I feel no attraction for her both mentally/physically and I still have this deep regret of her. Besides, she already has a new love interest in mind apparently. He doesn't appear to be much of a man though, considering they have been "courting" for months and he has barely kissed her. He is also several years older than she is. Am I just doing this because I haven't really had the attention of anyone else to take my mind off of her? The problem is now I'm entering this depressed stage where I can't go out and meet girls because I feel worthless... I'm just totally confused. Can someone help me make sense of all of this? Thank you.

[Chandler]

Finch,

I went through something similar. After the initial breakup, I was fine for a few weeks until I discovered she started seeing someone. That's when I flipped.

 

When I asked others whey, I got a couple of explanations:

1) You were in the denial stage (the first stage of healing). You don't actually realize things are over until you realize that there's another guy in the picture, and that's when it hits you and puts you in the second stage (anger).

2) You want what you can't have. Since she has a new love interest and you can't have her anymore, you want her again.

 

My guess is that since you say you don't want her back, that #2 is what you're experiencing. I went through the same thing. Trust me, you have to cut all contact with her...and I mean all contact. That's what I did...NC, and that has helped me get to where I am today. It will be hard. There were days where I would want to call so so bad. Even picked up the phone and started dialing. Know what I did...got on this site and asked for support. Everyone here has been a tremendous help to my recovery.

 

I have spoken to my ex recently, and we talk as friends now, no weirdness or anything. I even asked about her bf and that made her uncomfortable. How things have turned...haha...

[DoubleOhEight]

Hi Finch ...

 

From what you wrote, it does seem that in a way you are 'bothered' by the fact she has someone else, even though you don't want her. It's a little as though you don't want her, but you don't want anybody else to have her either. As you say you're not attracted to her in any way, perhaps it just made you feel good that she was so devastated when you broke up with her. Maybe it was nice to feel that wanted by someone, no matter how many times you'd told them it was over? We all like a boost to our ego once in a while and it sounds like you're having a 'dry season' as far as dates are concerned.

 

I think it's only holding you AND her back, so I think you should admit to yourself that you're never going to have a special relationship together, say goodbye and don't look back.

 

wishing you luck and happiness ...

[Finch]

After much long spent introspective time I have think that most likely my attraction for her lies only in the fact that she knows me so well, loves me so much, and helps me so often. She is understanding of me despite my weaknesses, loving of me despite my cruelties, and uplifting of me when I need it the most. That is the only true reason why I do love her and think about her so much. I can go to her for ANYTHING and receive wholehearted sympathy and care. That is what I want the most, and that's why I long for her so much. She cares for me in ways that nobody else can ever care for me.

 

I would never get back together with this girl. I do still love her, but I can't get back together with her. Not because she doesn't love me back, because she does too, but because I would be too ashamed to redeem or relationship after all the drama that took place.

 

So the only logical step would be to resume the no contact and pursue other women. Right? What do you think?