Leading Him On? Or is it Nice Guys Finish Last syndrome?

[tiger_lilies]

I have recently become good friends with a guy who knows my circle of friends. We started off on a official date and quickly progressed to having some sort of daily contact and many 'dates' thereafter. I've told him almost from day one that I am not ready for a relationship (just broke up with ex four months ago, I am still hurting a lot and not over him yet, but trying).

 

Thing is, this new friend is really trying hard to be with me. He is a wonderful person and I see him well suited for somebody else, not me. Plus I don't have the confidence that we would work out long term. I feel I will bring my lack of trust issues into a relationship so soon after my break up. But I feel as if I am passing up something really great. I can see that I am hurting him when I hang out with him.

 

I know that he wants to express his emotions physically to me and I also know that he's holding back because he doesn't want me to feel uncomfortable with him. ( We've done nothing physically together, so that line hasn't been crossed.)

 

As of this weekend, I've come to a sad decision to try and wean myself away from seeing or talking to him everyday. It hurts me to hurt him. I truly don't want to do this, but I don't know what else to do! I'm not sure how to handle this situation. Does anyone have suggestions, or advice?

[Beec]

 

Thing is, this new friend is really trying hard to be with me. He is a wonderful person and I see him well suited for somebody else, not me. Plus I don't have the confidence that we would work out long term. I feel I will bring my lack of trust issues into a relationship so soon after my break up. But I feel as if I am passing up something really great.

 

 

I think you need to seek your own answers, and I'd suggest looking to address some of these.

 

Why wouldn't you and him work out long term?

 

Why would you bring your trust issues into a relationship with him?

 

Why would you pass up something that was really great?

[Outlaw2747]

At the moment, I don't have any advice. But I can tell you one thing. I AM A VICTIM OF THIS PROBLEM!!! The whole darn "I'm not ready!" thing. Bt the difference is you have been telling this guy from the start you are not ready. That is understandable. In my case, I got the whole I LOVE YOU and NEVER LEAVE YOU stuff only then to get the I'M NOT READY after being led on for a while.... Now I am over it but I don't forget stuff like that. I apologize if I don't have any advice for you at the time.... It's just that this issue is one I fit into perfectly.

 

And yes, NICE GUYS FINISH LAST. We will forever get beaten down and have our hearts ripped out of our chests and stopmed on with a hydraulic press. That explains alot of the HEARTLESS guys out there.

[Rosa]

Hi girlfriend,

I'm in the same boat, I just came out of a relationship 2 months ago and I'm still hung over. I met a "nice guy" who is really trying to get my attention, and we have also gone out on several dates, kissed a few times, but also knows exactly where I'm coming from....I talk to him everyday....and I also see myself hunting him when we go out, BUT i'm no where near ready for another relationship, I'm definitely not ove my ex, and although I'm trying to move on, it is really not fair for this "nice guy" to be the rebound, you know? so I've tried the same, not calling, and said no to a couple of invites, but he still there, and I kinda like it, BUT I don't wanna be with him....yet, It's not fair for him.....So my sugestion for you is the same thing that i'm doing, is enjoying his company, get to know him a little more, I know that you say

 

I see him well suited for somebody else, not me. Plus I don't have the confidence that we would work out long term. I feel I will bring my lack of trust issues into a relationship so soon after my break up.

 

Are you sure about this?? sometimes we get stuck on this one type of men...( the one that usually ends up hurting us bad) and can't seem to look deep into the other type, which is usually the "nice guy" type.

And we push them away....you know what I mean?

so give this Great friend to a chance to get to know you, and you get to know him alittle more, AS FRIENDS! nothing more, and then you won't regret it if you think you've let something really great pass you by....

 

You seem to be in the right track to recovery, by meeting a "nice guy" along the way, don't shut it down, and if he is a good friend like you say, he will definitely understand your feelings if you decide in the future that you really just don't like him than just as a friend.

 

Good Luck Chicka!! 8)

[RJmed76]

Honesty always works. Don't leave anything for him to interpret. Let him know how you feel at this stage of the friendship.

 

But if don't think you like him why are you coming up reasons not to like him, instead of just going with things. Your reasons although they are reasonable have nothing to do about the two of you. Just how you feel things will be. Remember the best thing about tomorrow is that it is a present.

[tiger_lilies]

Thank you all for your comments. Beec, I don't think that we would work out long term because I just don't see us together like that. I can't envision a future between us. I have no faith that it would work out.

 

Secondly, I don't trust him (the nice guy) because my ex cheated on me, which is why I have no faith at this point in long term relationships. Plus, this 'nice guy' also came out of an 8 year relationship with his ex because he cheated on her! He says he's learned his lesson, blah, blah, blah but it stings me like you wouldn't believe.

 

Thirdly, passing him up..well, this is going to be shallow of me, but to be brutily honest, I am not physically attracted to him. I love his personality, but the physical attraction is just not there.

 

Outlaw, sorry to be one of those horrible women who do this to nice guys. I really have the best intentions, which is why I feel I must make myself scarce from him now.

 

Rosa, what should we do??? I specifically spoke to my nice guy about him being my rebound, and he said that he wants to be my rebound! He says that if I were to let him in, then I would not be sorry. He says that he would treat me like a queen, that I would never want to go anywhere else because he's totally sure that he could make us work!

 

I truly enjoy his company and I admit to loving the attention. He is just the right type of medicine I need right now. After being cheated on, I really need this confidence booster that my nice guy has given me. He is an amazing person and I am hurting him right now. How do I stop? The only way is to cut him off right? At least to stop talking to him everyday, maybe he will meet someone else and his attention will be redirected. I promised myself that I would not give him any guilt or grief for turning his attention towards someone who deserves it. But I admit that it makes me sad to think of him not calling me or asking me to hang out. He is providing me with the companionship that I desperately need right now.

 

RJmed76, it's not easy to just 'go with things' with this nice guy. He is in my circle of friends and I don't want to jepordize anything within my circle. If we ended up on negative terms, it would cause uncomfortable situations. Is this a bad reason? I don't know, I just know that I don't want anything uncomfortable to happen if I can help it.

 

Thanks again for your comments.

[Beec]

Well based on your answers, then I think you need to be honest with him in how you see things about there being little future.

 

I have been there, been honest and even that made me feel guilty when I was still getting the benefits. The only way to get rid of that guilt is to stop seeing him.

 

I'll admit that I still feel guilt today. She wanted to spend the rest of her life with me. I didn't want that. We were on and for for two years. The unfortunate thing is that the end of her life came four years after we finally ended it. I'm not so sure what I would do in hindsight. Part of me wishes I ended it right away. Part of me says, if I knew what I know now would you have gone ahead and married her. Doesn't matter. I won't let ti happen again.

[lillady898]

Nice guys don't finish last... My boyfriends a nice guy! There's my insight!

[Princess777]

In all fairness to you and to all the nice guys out there trying to woo women back into the dating game who aren't ready:

 

It is my opinion that you should be upfront and honest from the get-go with all guys who enter your life. This used to happen to me a LOT when I was single. When I met a guy and they'd say: "So what's your story?" (If I had a dime every time I heard that....!) I'd just be vague with my answers, but honest. While I would not reveal personal feelings or information, I would definitely not mislead them. As I matter of fact, I used to just tell them straight out "I like you as a friend and that is all, okay?"

 

Sometimes you just have to tell them. It's better to tell them that than for them to pine for you and to make their life miserable. After all, if there's no chemistry, there's no chemistry. You can't just make it happen, and I don't understand how some think that a person can just make themselves fall for you when your heart is not in it. That wouldn't be fair to either of you. To me, knowing this means that, a) you don't have any chemistry with this person and you wouldn't even if you were the last 2 people on earth, or b) You are still so wrapped up in comparing every guy walking to your ex that you cannot think clearly, and even if the chemistry was there, you wouldn't know it.

 

It's not funny to lead someone on, and plus it's disrespectful. In addition, once you tell someone where you stand, it's not your fault if they still try to control your feelings and make you fall in love with them. So at least if you're honest upfront, the guilt will never follow you because you'll know in your heart that you told him how you felt.

 

For your particular situation, you've already been hanging out with the poor guy and sadly, I'd say you've probably led him on somewhat. I was a little unclear if you had actually already told him that you specifically told him that you only like him as a friend, or if you just told him that you like him. It can be devastating to him when you tell him what you're feeling. However, you don't seem willing to shut the door yet, so my advice would be to just sit him down and be an adult about it. Say, look, I've noticed that you seem to really like me for more than a friend, and I just want to clarify things. Then proceed to tell him how you really feel, even if it's that you're confused. At least he'll realize that you respect him enough to have this adult conversation with him and I think he'll really think more of you than if you just blow him off. Imagine if you really liked a guy and he were in your shoes, which treatment would you prefer?

 

I wish you lots of luck!!!

[Outlaw2747]

Tiger Lily, you are not one of those horrible women. You went through some things and you told the guy ahead of time you wasn't ready. he should give you time to recollect your thoughts. In MY case, the girl TOLD ME she wanted a boyfriend, she wanted a relationship, she loves me and will never leave me and THEN she pulls out that lame excuse. My friends (and hers) tell me that she just found another guy just to mke that excuse but I wouldn't know. SO you are just fine Tiger Lily.

[Nifty_Swifty1]

This is just my opinion, but a friendship is worth whatever pain comes. Even if it's having feelings that you know aren't going to go anywhere. Being forced to watch my friends pull away from me is the worst feeling in the world.

 

If you ask me, you trying to "wean yourself off him" is you just not dealing with the situation because of you don't really want to decide what to do. In your mind if he isn't around you wont have to make the decision on weather or not to pursue a relationship. It's the best way to avoid conflict whether with it be with you having to say a defiant no to this guy and having the conflict between the two of you, or having to deal with your insecurities and having the conflict be within yourself.

 

I took the little bit you said and made a couple big assumptions, but I hope I helped even if I missed the mark.

 

This is just a question, but when your one of those guys that everyone thinks would be the perfect guy to date, but just not for them, what are we suppose to do? I have a hard time seeing how someone could be to good to date.

 

God Bless

[tiger_lilies]

Princess777, I have been upfront about my feelings and where I stand from the second or third date. We've been hanging out together for roughly one month, but speaking everyday. We've had the adult conversation that everyone suggested. We've been upfront and honest about our feelings. I've even had to tell him to back off with his advances because it was starting to make me uncomfortable with my pressure meter rising through the roof! He has taken a few steps back because of my request, but after this past weekend, I'm even more convinced that he is hurting and trying not to make it seem like a big deal.

 

It seems impossible to be friends with someone when they want more. I don't intend to blow him off. I just figure that I will try to not be in contact with him everyday, more like once a week?

 

Nifty Swifty, thanks for your opinion. I appreciate it. I don't know what you nice guys should do. In a perfect world, I would want my nice guy to stay friends with me. I want to be there for him and vice versa. But I can't do that if he wants more. I feel sick to my stomach for hurting him this way. I don't know how else to make it all better except to wean away from him, even when I don't want to.

 

I feel that perhaps I am taking too much from him and not giving enough back. This unfair to him. Isn't that the nice guy syndrome?

[Princess777]

I understand your situation better now. I think it is out of your hands then, if you have already told him how you really feel. He is trying to persuade you to like him anyway, and this is the pressure you're feeling. I know exactly what you mean when you said that it's difficult to remain friends when they like you for more: I had the "I only want to be friends" talk with 3 different guys who were all friends with each other, who were all after me when I was single. One of them was way too young for me and took it OK and we are still good acquaintances. One of them tried to change my mind by continuously taking me out with a perception that I would change my mind even though I consistently told him that we're only friends, as I told everyone around us who questioned us. But we had a lot of fun together, and that's all it was. He seemed okay with it for a long time and only periodically got teary eyed when he confessed his feelings for me. But even he admitted that I was honest from the beginning and told me he appreciated that. He just didn't want to end the friendship. The third guy took it really, really hard and never spoke to me again! I still don't know what ever happened to him, other than the following night he got so drunk he got into an accident and I think he quit drinking after that. I've always felt bad about that but I still know in my heart that I was honest and it wasn't my fault how he controlled his anger and sadness.

 

I think if you feel you have really been honest with this guy, then you just need to say it again to him, to get it through to him. I had to say it several times to the one who kept hanging out with me, and he would acknowledge it. I offered to stop hanging out with him in an effort to make it easier on him but he didn't want that. I think if you have already done this or if you do this, you'll be okay because you're just telling it like it is and you're respecting the guy. It just seems that he's not getting the message so you might just have to say it with a little more firmness. If he continues to make you feel uncomfortable then you really don't have much choice than to try and avoid him. He'll more than likely give up sooner or later once the truth sinks in.

[Rosa]

OK, well, you seem to like the guy, but you are just not ready to be in a relationship, SO.... if you think he is putting presure then tell him to back up, now....does it bother you enough to not talk to him for a few days? or for just a moment? this is different because you might be attracted to him, but like you say, you are having issues with trust, just remember, you can't start a relationship or even a friendship without trust, so if this is the case, I sugest you start looking from within and try to understand that not every guy is gonna be like your ex. OK this "nice guy" has his shady past, but, don't we all? don't judge him because of what he did before, judge him for what he's doing now, specially to win your heart. maybe he is telling you the truth and he did learn his lesson, blah, blah, blah.... so now he's trying to do things right, with someone new, you.

 

So if the pressure bothers you enought to not wanna talk to him for a few days, then maybe you are REALLY not attracted to him, and just want someone to give you the attention you want right now, and HEY I KNOW EXACTLY HOW YOU ARE FEELING, BUT, you can't be selfish either....

 

Now , you say there is no chemistry? tha's a tough one....because with my nice guy, i do feel a little itsy bit of chemistry.....so that's why I like talking to him. but you.....you gotta think is it because of your ex, or because is just him (the nice guy).

If it just him, then BE HIS FRIEND AND LET HIM KNOW THIS, because if you don't, then he'll just keep trying, and that's not fair.....got me?

 

 

We both are not ready for a relationship of ANY KIND, and this would only be a rebound, me and you know this.....so, i hope that you can organize your thoughts a little more...

 

I think you should ive this guy a little tiny break, enjoy the attention and the good intentions someone else wants to give you, live everyday to the fullest, and try really hard not to look back....

 

let me know what you think of what i'v said.

take care

[Outlaw2747]

That is the main reason why i hang around girls sparingly and not often just so I won't somehow get close with them. I avoid all that drama altogether because I can be a very emotional guy. I can control my emotions but if I feel like I have feelings for someone, I inconspiciously try to get with them but all it does is cause harm to me so forget it. Friends and hanging out every blue moon is good enough for me. I'm calling it quits if the girl I am getting with doesn't work out for me.

[tiger_lilies]

Last night my nice guy and I had a talk. It was not a super serious talk. Instead he told me that his ex of 8 years has been e-mailing him and even called him. He said the conversation was uneasy with her. I tried to be a friend by helping him explore his feelings, but instead he abruptly ended our conversation and said goodnight. Even over the phone I can tell that he is hurting.

 

I know he is quite a catch and I think that he is hinting to me by bringing up his ex and how she is making an effort to remain in contact with him. I showed no jealousy or any negative feelings. I tried to remain platonic and supportive. But somehow I got the feeling that he was trying to raise some jealousy out of me...I can't be sure. My only hint is how abruptly he got off the phone.

 

Princess777, Wow! Three guys at one time?!? That must've been difficult to juggle. Sounds like you did a good job at it though. You are right, I think that this situation is out of my hands now. I've been honest and upfront and still, I feel pressure. If the roles were reversed, I think I would have a difficult time handling being so close yet not close enough. This is soooo bitter-sweet!

 

Rosa, I am totally attracted to his personality which is why I agreed on going on dates with him in the first place...but his feelings have obviously grown considerably since we first met. Maybe if he came along 6 months from now I would consider being with him.

 

I won't hold his cheating against him. I'm sure he's learned his lesson but like I said before, I'm not in a position where I have much faith in relationships right now. I feel that a relationship (even though I want one) is just gonna end up with me being hurt all over again. I am still very bitter, angry and sad over my ex.

 

I guess what I'll do is just avoid him. I won't invite him out with me anymore, I will turn down any offers he has to hang out. I think I can tell that this is probably the direction we'll have to take. It is hard when i want so much to express how I feel about him, but crossing that line anywhere above a friendly hug is misleading to him. I think I've been really good at not crossing that line.

 

He did say to me that even if he couldn't have me as his girlfriend, that he would want to keep me in his life as a friend. That made me feel better, but I guess we'll have to see if his actions match his words. Time will tell.

 

Maybe I'll call him once in a while to see what's up...I'm going to miss him like crazy. I'm sure we will see each other since we have the same circle of friends. The rumors right now are going crazy amoungst them!

 

Outlaw, I wish I had answers for you. All I know is that it is difficult being in the position of hurting someone special. Perhaps you keeping your distance is the best thing for both parties involved.

 

Thanks everyone for your advice. I really needed to hear this from outside parties.

[Caldus]

I know that I would rather have a girl tell me how she feels rather than just not contacting me as much. One girl did this to me a few weeks back. We made friends, etc. and then she gradually contacts me less and less. Last conversation we had was like 2 weeks ago. I try saying hey to her online sometimes but she doesn't respond. And I know she's there because it says that she's online and not idle. Now I have no idea if she even wanted to just be friends or not. I have no idea what she is feeling and she won't tell me. I think that is worse than if she did tell me. At least I would know right away that I should move on rather than sitting there still wondering about it after two weeks. Of course I've pretty much given up on her as she doesn't seem to ever have a good conversation with me anymore.

 

But anyway, I'm just glad that you're trying to tell him how you honestly feel rather than just graduallly gaining distance from him and never telling him. Trust me, you're doing things right so far and don't worry because he will figure it out sooner or later that he should give up. You don't seem to be ready for a relationship right now so don't feel pressured to be in one. And the situation is not unfair to him in any way. You told him from the start and he should know that. Good luck!

[SandyD]

It seems to me like you´ve met a really cool guy, and like you said, it´s great medicine right now. You just wish he wasn´t after you romantically, or at least not as strong/serious as he is. It´s causing you distress because you perceive yourself as somehow leading this guy on and hurting him. You want the attention, you don´t want the distress.

In my opinion, I think the guy knows what you can offer him because you already told him. The fact that he keeps trying to convince you that he would be great for you is what bothers me. This friendship isn´t really real. He wants something (you), and he´s not respecting your feelings. In my opinion, he´s in the wrong, not you.

[Trojanmn2]

Wow, now to throw me 2 cents in, I usually don't post after everybody's posted but after observing yours and everybody elses posts, it has been said to be that you need to be straight forward and honest, which you already have established that in your first post. Now that its been said and he acknowledges that, it is he who is hurting himself in what he is trying to do. Knowing how it is when trying to date somebody in your circle of friends, I would advise as much as everybody else has, is to for you to continue to keep your distance away from him as you said you have already begun. I believe that is your best choice available.

 

As for the feelings you expressing now in the last post, it strikes me that in a few of your sentences of talking about his personality and "how you're going to miss him", its not like you're ever see him again, you two can still be friends, but at this point, its best to keep your distance to allow your feelings set and your minds straight.

 

You have said you're not ready to trust, to love, to be in a relationship, don't let your guilt or worries sway you, to rush yourself into something you're not ready for. You shouldn't worry yourself with guilt because he has been so nice, you are very close to making a mistake most of us already have is to rush yourself into a position we're not ready for. Like you said,

Maybe if he came along 6 months from now I would consider being with him.

thats what you need to then, you really need. From the way it looks like when you described his phone call to you about his ex, it seems he is trying to raise something out of you. That is a really bad move on his part, as if to make himself vunerable to show he's being nice. Im not sure how credible that story is, showing as how he cheated on her, but thats just an observation.

 

Also how you said

 

I won't hold his cheating against him. I'm sure he's learned his lesson but like I said before, I'm not in a position where I have much faith in relationships right now. I feel that a relationship (even though I want one) is just gonna end up with me being hurt all over again. I am still very bitter, angry and sad over my ex.

 

Your feelings in your ex have effected your feelings on relationships. Your faith is broken because of what happened. Which is more of a reason to be aware for the next person or anybody else who comes along. I bring this up because maybe you do really hold it against this guy, even more so because he did what your ex did! I may need more insight, but one thing that is underlying everything that his been said, you can sum it up by saying, be TRUE to yourself and your needs.

 

And it can be shown in being true to your situation and your feelings for relationships at this point, being true to what you established for you two in the beginning before all of this and to follow through with what you said, without letting him make you feel guilt for his own hurt.

 

But through it all and through the time you should take apart, I believe everything will be okay with you, you have done the right things to set your foot down and you are about to step in the direction, you two will probably friends again like you once were, maybe then, later when you're ready, you never know. Good luck Tiger lillies, best wishes to you!

[tiger_lilies]

Wow, you guys are amazing. I feel so much better about my decision. Last night we had another 'talk'. This time it was more serious and the conclusion is that he completely understands where I'm coming from. He said that even though he wishes for more, he will retreat with the pressure. He told me to think of him as a friend who has a crush on me. He enjoys hanging with me as I do him, so we are going to continue hanging out together. Things are cool between us now.

 

Trojanmn2, thank you so much for your opinion.

Your feelings in your ex have effected your feelings on relationships. Your faith is broken because of what happened. Which is more of a reason to be aware for the next person or anybody else who comes along. I bring this up because maybe you do really hold it against this guy, even more so because he did what your ex did!

 

You've hit the nail right on the head there! BHAM! That couldn't be more true. I know how I feel and trying to not let that effect my future relationships is going to be hard. But I've so far survived what I never thought I would survive. I actually lived through the most exquisite pain I've ever endured. It is so comforting to know others understand.

 

Thank you SandyD and Caldus for your comments. Caldus, I hope that she returns your call at least out of respect...but if she hasn't and has been ignoring you, then drop her. She's shown that she's not worth your time or effort.

 

SandyD, I will be keeping my guard up. In fact, my nice guy said to me last night that he knows I have my walls up. He said he's gonna try breaking them down. Time is my only answer as to whether he's for real or not. Besides, most of my relationships have been based on a good friendship. I hope this nice guy will stick around as a friend. If not, then I have my answer.

[girlygirl227]

Maybe you could try explaining to this guy that you don't want him to be a rebound, and to avoid that you need a little time. Maybe you could set a time to re-evaluate with him. For example, ask him to give you a month with no contact (more than regular friends) and no talking about a "relationship" and then discuss it on the date your previously decided upon, not before. (Unless you're ready.) If you still didn't know, set another date a couple weeks or months out.

 

One thing to remember, though, is that it's not fair to expect this guy to just sit around and wait on you. That's not fair to him, plus he'd end up resenting you for it. If he's the one for you, you'll end up having feelings for each other at the same time. Also, I think you have definitely done the wise thing by not crossing any physical lines with him. That would only cloud things and you need as much clarity right now as you can get.

 

Good Luck!

[NittanyKitten]

As far as my opinion goes... nice guys do NOT finish last. Guys who actually believe this concept are the ones who finish last. And, personally, I think it's the guys who are not confident in themselves when it comes to relationships and/or girls in general who really believe this. Hence, why it's the guys who believe this that finish last. They lack confidence. So, util these guys start believing in themselves, they're going to constantly have problems, and feel sorry for themselves, while the azzholes run off with us sweet, good girls... and the nice guys with confidence take us away from you, too.

 

It seems to me that the nice guys with total confidence in themselves are being confused with the azzes that exist on this pathetic planet. These are 2 completely different species...

[Outlaw2747]

As far as my opinion goes... nice guys do NOT finish last. Guys who actually believe this concept are the ones who finish last. And, personally, I think it's the guys who are not confident in themselves when it comes to relationships and/or girls in general who really believe this.

 

Yes it is an opinion, but based on partial fact. Really, really down in the dumps type of people will never open up and gain the courage they need to succeed. However, some just realize that no matter how they act, they will never succeed. It is all about the experience of the individual. As for guys without confidence, that is a crock of crab dung. I seen confident guys (not stuck-up) get the boot while the preppy, snobby guys get away with the females. And it isn't a once in a blue moon thing, it is a common occurrence for some of these guys.

 

So, util these guys start believing in themselves, they're going to constantly have problems, and feel sorry for themselves, while the azzholes run off with us sweet, good girls... and the nice guys with confidence take us away from you, too.

 

So basically what that tells us is that since some of the guys are not confident enough to approach females or not confident enough to believ they will succeed, the girls will automatically just go after the type of guy they hate and detest? Letting the a-hols run away with y'all....that seems do contradict alot of things females say. And as for the nice guys with confidence, they get the shotgun in the back treatment too. Whether he was born with confidence or it was a sad guy that finally stood up on his own two feet, someone is just gonna bring us down AGAIN.

 

It seems to me that the nice guys with total confidence in themselves are being confused with the azzes that exist on this pathetic planet. These are 2 completely different species...

 

Good point. I will put it like this just to make it simple. If you cannot distinguish between a confident nice guy and a crappy prep, don't even waste your time with guys in the first place, you are just going to emotionally hurt yourself or someone else with those skeptics. VERY EASY to distinguish.

[NittanyKitten]

Women have an inherent need to feel secure. I never said that the confident nice guys don't get shot down, too... I said it's them, and the azzes, who get most of us girls. Why? Because we notice the confidence, whether used for good (nice guys) or bad (azzes), and can find some semblance of security in that. If a guy isn't confident in himself... how can a woman think he'd be confident enough to be able to fully defend her if needed?

[Outlaw2747]

Women have an inherent need to feel secure.

 

Whatever happened to the strong, independent woman that females preach alot these days? No offense made, just a simple question. Why do you need protection if you are a strong willed person? Sounds like a contradictory statement to me.

 

 

 

If a guy isn't confident in himself... how can a woman think he'd be confident enough to be able to fully defend her if needed?

 

If girls keep shooting down the confident guy, how can he be confident in himself? In most cases, they see confidence as stuck-up and self-centered. Then when we go shy, we are seen as LOSER, WEIRDO, DORK, NERD. Give some of the shy guys a chance, you be surprised how many will actually open up very easily. And as for the confident guy, not all are self-centered jerks....in fact, it is easy to distinguish a confident guy from a complete narcississtic loser.