Can't push forward

[Nadleeh]

I'm so very tired of walking through this endlessly dark tunnel with no light at the end of it.

 

My feet hurt and I can't keep getting up.

 

I'm so tired of drifting through this endless abyss.

 

I'm nineteen years old now and I've gone through more than enough experiences for my level of mental stability to cause me to be suicidal. I'm fully aware of how tough some others have it and I'm glad they are able to push through but I personally cannot. Yes, I am young to some of you and I "have my whole life ahead of me." My career goal to was to work my way to becoming a neurosurgeon, I decided this after being locked in my house for 10 months after having countless seizures, which I haven't had for over 8 thanks to medication but I'm still constantly reminded of it. Before I moved here I already had it bad.

 

I walked through my entire life as a ghost. For those who noticed me they would just use me as a punching bag. Until the day I hit puberty I was constantly beat up, pushed down, teased, bullied, for years on end. Yes eventually I toughened up after years of torture, and the violence stopped by the verbal assaults still continued all the way through my senior year.

 

I had little to no friends. I had two good friends throughout my high school life and that was it. The rest of time I just hid myself away in video games and on the internet, while wearing a mask outside my two front doors. The time I spent on the internet taught me a lot. It made me the so called "nice" guy I am today. I was a shoulder to lean on for many many depressed and suicidal people. My instant messenger list is over a couple hundred just from some of the people who come to me for advice or just to cry. I shoulder whatever burdens I can for them as much as possible and I learned from it. I'd be the guy who made people laugh all the time with sarcastic jokes so on and so forth. Even now after I moved, I've barely made anything close to a good friend after almost two years. I joined a club, even hung out a lot at my student center on campus, but to no avail.

 

Every serious relationship I've ever had with a girl has ended up cheating on me. It's not because I chase them to do it, or anything. According to most people I know, I'm a gentleman who treats every girl I meet with nothing but respect and affection. Obviously girls take advantage of that and use me as their playthings.

 

My depression has been eating at me for over ten years now, if you don't believe that then I understand. Ever since I hit middle school I thought everyday of my life about taking my own life. I more or less used as a comfort tool as in, "Hey if I ever screw up this or that I can always just take my life as simple as that!". I've attempted it a few times, all failed obviously because of the change of heart I had at the end.

 

Everyone has their reasons or motivation to live the way they do. I do not have any, if anything my muse is found in the girls I come to love. If I were to form it onto a scale right now my depression on one side, and the combination of my "Family and friends" plus my curiousness on the the other, my depression out weighs it.

 

I'm sure by now you think I'm very selfish for doing what I'm doing. "You're not even giving life a chance by hiding yourself away." "Think of what you'll do to your family and friends if you die! you leave behind so much pain and suffering!" "You need to keep pushing forward!"

 

I really can't, I don't have any reason to.

 

My grades are even starting to slip, the only thing I was ever confident about in myself...

 

I constantly lay in the darkness, alone, cringing in agony and pain just wanting it to end every night for the past 8 or so years.

 

Sure I try and push forward for those who I do know, but I honestly cannot anymore suffering. I can barely get myself out of bed anymore.

 

I cannot go to therapy, ever. I know you want to tell me "You can't get over your depression unless you try." Well I just can't. I dislike therapy and I don't have the means to get to the therapist without making it obvious to other people.

 

I cannot take anti depressants. I don't enjoy the temporary relief I get, it just feels like more false hope to me and not a real cure.

 

I've gone to other people for advice, and after I tell them my entire story they cannot even find a reason for me to push forward.

 

You're right ,I can't change my life around unless I really want to. I lack the determination to do anything for myself, and why I'm posting right here and now who knows. I can't find hope in anything. Not religion, not friends, not family, not anything.

 

As I stated earlier I found my so called "muse" in girls whom I came to love. Recently one of my internet friends pleaded for me to keep trying at life, so I did and forced myself out into the world once more. I met a girl who was my female twin. We both have the same favorites, common interests, opinions, sense of humor, everything. I could not find a flaw in the girl, we even had the same favorite video game series, and she could even beat me in a few of the games we played on xbox live. I thought she was going to be the girl to save me, we started to hang out a lot more, we kissed, even made out, I would stay at her house till five thirty in the morning all the time. We would always talk of our future together, getting married, and getting our favorite dog, a siberien husky as a pet, and name her Eva. She told me once that "we're not dating yet." but the way she kept texting/talking me things with pet names, and the I love yous, and just all of it made me believe we were about to start dating. It was only until recently I found out that she had been kissing and making out with another guy who stalks her, and just constantly tries to have his way with her. When I found out I just said "Okay." and she replied with "..What? I'm sorry?" and that was it. She didn't seem to care at all. The girl that I fell in love with completely more than any other, and I'm not just talking about infatuation used me as nothing more than a plaything. When I met her my life was turning around as well, but now after that I really don't see hope in anything else.

 

"There's a million fish in the sea." True there is. However my chances are already dimmed down by the fact that I cannot find motivation to do anything without a girl to inspire me. To me, after meeting that girl, it seems like I'll never find another one like her, not one that I can relate to as much as her.

 

I think I've made my points. I can barely get up anymore out of my own bed to make it to my computer, I just want to fall asleep forever and end the pain. Is that so terrible for me to want to stop suffering and end it all? I know some of you think suicide is incredibly selfish and I won't blame you for it, but I can no longer help myself at this point....

[sand dollar]

If you can't help yourself let people here help you. Also,pray.

[Nadleeh]

If you can't help yourself let people here help you. Also,pray.

 

Thank you for your support, sadly I do not find comfort in praying. I'm very glad to hear it works for other people, but I cannot bring myself to pray, it conflicts with some of my beliefs and I'd prefer not to make myself a hypocrite. Thank you again for your support though.

[heartulcer]

Hi Nadleeh

 

I've been in such a dark place myself before, on many occasions throughout my life. The most recent was when my 15 yr long relationship with my ex-girlfriend ended. And prior to that, when I was feeling hopeless about my current job situation/lack of a solid career-by-now, and also years before, when I was your age, and feeling very much like I was the only gay in the village (we lived in a smallish town. It turns out I wasn't the only one, but who knew?).

 

I've been there. I've been where you are now, and where you have been for such a long time. And at times I've wanted to just end it all too. But in the last couple of years, even in my darkest moments, and believe me, it was dark, when I felt like the loneliest person on the face of the planet and that my broken heart would never mend, something deep within me kept me going.

 

Somewhere in me, I just wasn't willing to give up on myself. No f'in way! And even when that dark cloud refused to stop hanging over me and followed me everywhere, that little part on me that wouldn't give up on me would surface, and yeah, I'd fight it. I felt so hopeless, but yet, there was in me something deep down that wouldn't give up.

 

You have that in you, Nadleeh. Somewhere in you, you know your worth. And that is the ticket. You have got to tap into that part of yourself, that part way down in there that won't give up on you; that part that knows how much you are worth, and you gotta grab onto it and let it pull you up. I'm not trying to sugarcoat this, and make it all Disneyesque, but that part is in you and you just have to start listening to it. If there is one thing I have discovered, it's that you can't find your self-worth in another person. I've tried that. Self-worth comes from within, and you have it. You have interests, opinions, a sense of humor, and everything - within you. And I promise you, once you start believing it, and owning it, you will care about yourself, and you won't want to do yourself in. You don't deserve to do yourself in. You are worth way more than that. You are the most important person in your life. And as soon as you believe that, so will everyone else.

 

Please care about you!

xx

[heartulcer]

Hi again Nadleeh,

 

I found this post by you

 

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"Depression to me is one of the most difficult disorders out there to deal with. I despise it and I wish I could get rid of it with medicine but anti-depressants can only do so much. The only true cure to your depression is something that comes from within yourself. You have to be willing to move forward, to fight your fate, and to fight your destiny. I say that, but I know it's hard to do. That's why we're here. You can lean on our shoulders, and use us as your crutches to walk with until you can stand on your own and live your life the way you want to. If you think negative thoughts constantly they're going to most likely come true. You can talk to us about anything and we'll help you find a way to beat those negative feelings and thoughts. I know it's hard to stand up time and time again, but there is a happy life awaiting you. Throw your methods of suicide away, the beans, the hypothermia idea, etc. If you use suicide as your comfort tool it just influences your depression. Don't lose to these feelings, you're better than that and you know it.

 

I could sit there for days on end, telling you a million reasons to not commit suicide. However, we can only do so much for you, if you truly want to get past it, you have to try, and we will be with you 100% of the way.

 

Don't give up, life may seem cruel and terrible, but it's actually one of the most amazing things you could ever imagine. Keep pushing forward, you can do it."

 

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You are someone's crutch. You are needed in this world. You have valuable words - which is a great indication of a valuable person. Reach deep, that part of you that will not give up on you is in there. Grab it!

[Nadleeh]

It sounds nice to be able to find that part of me however at this point it's nearly impossible. Finding my own self-worth sounds like it takes the determination which I lack by the tons.

 

I don't mind acting as peoples crutch and giving them advice but I don't think I could ever save myself without motivation or determination =(.

[Uma]

I wish I could say the magic words that could help you, or give you a magic pill that would make everything go away. Take one day at a time. No infact, take one minute, one hour at a time.

 

Do something good for yourself - give yourself a treat.

 

I came to a point in my life where I had to decide whether I wanted to hang onto the horrible things that had happened to me or release them and move forward. I did not want to give the people in my past the power to control my future, so I went in search for tools to deal with the past.

 

I took up meditation, journal writing. While religion may not be your answer, there are a lot of useful tools to be had - like Buddhism's analytical meditation - mindfulness. Focusing on the moment, not on the past or the future but the here and now.

 

I flit between new age/spirituality, Buddism and any other religion that will give me the tools to move forward. I recently came accross a book by Caroline Myss - entering the castle, which is based on a Catholic Saint's writing. If you ignore the Catholic Saint part, the book is great for delving inside of yourself.

 

Maybe you do need to go on anti-depressants for a short while, just to give you some space to get tools in place to work through it. Exercise is great, seratonin is good.

 

I'd skip girls and love. Spend time learning to love yourself, rather than others.

 

Sure I have my down moments, but I use the tools that work for me, to get myself back up to speed again. At one stage, I wrote a positive affirmation and stuck it on the bedroom wall, at bed height, so it was the first thing I read in the morning when I woke up and the last thing I read before I went to sleep.

 

One step at a time. Who cares if you don't have the determination to solve all your problems tomorrow, just go out and treat yourself to something nice now (like an icecream). Small baby steps lead to giant leaps.

[vivia12]

You need to fight that spirit of despression and discouragement and please seek help. If you cant do that,i dont knwo what your beliefs are but please Pray,stand sit,talk out loud in the air,the Lord will hear you,He will. You have to give him a chance only He can heal you. If you need a friend,you can also pm if you wish,.

n i'm not veryy religious,just knwo when youre fighting a battle thats not meant for you to fight alone,you need to knwo where to turn to.