Pessimistic Thoughts

[Kedaeus Sendre]

Hi, I'm new here.. and I have a LOT going on in my head. So pardon me for a moment [please excuse the spelling mistakes as well] while I go on a rant - I would appreciate feedback, as I am ultimatley looking for advice/answers. I apologize if this turns into a novel.

 

This spans a myriad [not really] of topics - about Love and Dating dealing with my generation, School, and also career paths.. All of which, unfortunately, are based upon a soulmate [or lack there of].

 

So here it goes.

 

Two days after...

I graduated from ITT-Technical Institute with an Associates Degree of Applied Science majored on Computer Networking after Dropping out of High School at the end of my 10th grade year taking the advice of my **English II Teacher.

 

Consequently, I had a girlfriend while I was going to College. I owe a majority of my success to her, and the hopes that our lives would blossom into something more beautiful after I was finished with college and could afford to support both her and myself.

Unfortunately she broke up with me two days after Graduation - My soulmate had shattered all my hopes and dreams with one simple scentance and an eye full of tears: "I'm no longer in love with you.."

 

The very evening my girlfriend broke up with me, I packed my computer and a hand full of clothes into my car and left Dallas, Texas for my brothers house in Atlanta Georgia promptly at 4am the next morning.

I couldn't bear the thought of trying to live in her shadow and to this day I cannot convince myself that I am mad at her. I love her - and I am grateful that I was blessed enough to share a portion of my life with someone so special..

 

However, depression ensues...

I come from a household where both of my biological parents where present from inception up until this very day. I celebrated my grand parents 64th wedding anniversary with them over a feast two weeks ago. And my Aunt and Uncle will be celebrating their 34th wedding anniversary later on this month.. I come from a family where everything takes a back seat to focusing on the relationship, where commitment isn't a subject to be thrown around loosely, and arguments rarely occur.. because everyone is ginuinely happy. [No, I'm not jaded - i'm being serious]

 

I know this, and state it proudly, because it's apparent in their history.. and it's still apparent today. They (Each couple) were together before either side had a nickel put in their pocket and today they are by no means rich in material wealth.

 

I am afraid that I have been brainwashed into believing that this is what matters in life - because I do believe it, I envy their success, and wish to replicate it. I based my entire life on the belief that I had found my soulmate. When I woke up in the morning - I woke up for her, when I went to school - I was furthering myself.. for her, for us. When she was sick - I was there to tend to her, and when I caught her flu - she returned the gesture. We took trips to New-Mexico when I had time off of school, and spent every waking moment, that wasn't devoted to school or work, in each others presense. Not once did we have an argument - it was too easy..

 

It was too EASY, she said! The following scentance stripped away all of my dreams and aspirations as swift as it rolled off her tongue: "I'm no longer in love with you".

 

Where in the hell was easy when I was working and going through school?!

Where in the hell was easy when I was living off of a limited income and I had to drive 60miles a day to spend time together?!

Where in the hell was easy? I don't know - but I do know that all my hard work made waking up in the morning worth it - gave me reason to go to school - and work through a job that I hated.

 

Easy walked off with my soul-mate.

 

Underneath the thin candy coating - there is a bitter core

Life hasn't been as sweet since. I'm living in an unfamiliar area - without direction, friends, or happiness in my life and literally havent slept in 3 days since I last passed out due to fatigue.

Without love.. life is meaningless. What is there to look forward to? What is there to work for? Why go to bed? ...Why wake up?

 

The job market isn't helping

Currently, I am supporting myself by doing odd jobs for my family. It isn't a perminant solution - but it puts food in my mouth. When I'm not working I spend time in front of the computer submitting resumes (up to 30/wk) on link removed, FlipDog, Dice, JustTechJobs, and many many more.. When I'm not doing that I'm typing things like "I hate my life" into Google..

 

If I could learn to love myself

Things might work out - even if I don't find a job, i've been using computers since I was a kid.. i've picked up a lot over the years, and my college education filled in the gaps. If I can ever finish my website link removed [this is not the final domain-name] I might be able to advertise my services and go into business for myself as a Computer/Networking consultant.

 

I have an opportunity to go back to school - to obtain a bachelor's degree in Informations Systems Security.

 

But I cannot commit to either one: As far as the consulting business is concerned - it'll take time before I can finish the website.. a week, a month maybe.. but do I really know what I'm doing? Will people hire someone, to solve their problems, that is unproven? I'm not sure of anything anymore. I can't even sell myself to myself!

 

School is a definite no for the time being.. the sheer volume of resumes I've been sending out have yet to return a single phone call or interview. I cannot return to school until I have seen what I have already done, pay off..

 

My Questions for the members of this board

 

It seems as though everyone is in the persuit of material wealth, especially those in my generation. Is it retarted of me to think that I can find someone out there who is more interested in the experience rather than the appearance or price tag?

 

How can I focus on bettering myself, in the absense of a girlfriend/goal, without feeling guilty or selfish?

 

In which direction should I head? School? Consulting? To the woods with a legnth of rope?

 

I am having serious trouble making friends - lack of confidence is probably a major player. Yet I don't know how to instill confidence in myself. When I go out to the bar (to eat, i'm 20, I don't drink) I can't even look people in the eyes. I'll talk to the waitress - but no more than to order my meal and say "Please, and Thank you.", and I always feel like i'm being judged by the guys because they have their group - and i'm sitting at the bar alone with a chair on either side.

 

I continue to keep correspondance alive with my Ex via email. Is this healthy? I'm not mad at her - I realize that it's over - but she DID hurt me.. Should I say goodbye for good? How can I warrant such an action both to her and myself.

 

I'm sure I have more - but I'm actually getting tired now that I have had a chance to sit down an analyze the cause of all my stigma.. I suppose my last question to everyone would be:

 

What is it that gives you the sense that life is worth living? The feeling that you aren't a robot sitting behind a desk in somebodies air-conditioned factory waiting for your chance to punch out and die only to be replaced by next years model..

 

What is the point? I REALLY need to know.

 

Sincerely,

James - "Kedaeus Sendre" - Apodaca

 

P.S. I apologize for the legnth - I want to feel normal again, like I have purpose in my life, and I cannot afford professional counceling or unfortunately large quantities of drugs.

 

**Thank you to Ms. Doughty - Where ever you are.

[johnagent1911]

Well I'm right where you are actually.. And to this day it still bothers me. Luckily I'm not facing the 'real world' yet for I'm still in college. However, for what? I don't know. I don't have any real interest in anything. I currently don't have a girlfriend but that doesn't matter to me simply because why should it? Why does it bother you? Why live for someone else? One thing is, I don't care about the whole being 'loved' thing because most of the time I don't even know if it exist. I went through the same things you did when I was with my girl. It was like reading part of my life. I did everything I could for her, but ended up getting screwed in the deal. I don't blame her at this point looking over at what we went through, but none-the-less it killed me.. I was so depressed. I didn't sleep or eat, it was like everything in life had stopped. Not a damn thing had a meaning. It was bad. She was my soulmate. Trust me though you'll get over it.

 

You say nothing to live for? Good. Well how about just enjoying life around you? Life is simple. All you have to do is wake up, even then you don't have to. You're not required to do anything. You're not out to change the world. I think we tend to make troubles worst than they really are. I say go out and do what ever you want tonight, there are only a few mistakes you can do in life to actually be life altering. Go out and take some risks. Make some friends, you're truly free.

 

I hope everything works out for people like us. It's really odd knowing that someone else out there is living the same life as you.

-1911

[Shinobie]

yA for u its not sleeping for me its not eating when im depressed man cause when im depressed i only eat 1 meal a day usually and thats what i have been doing for the last 2 months cause im constantly depressed.I dont know why im depressed at sucha young age but i am.As for u man just forgot about her i know thats such a hard statement " i no longer love u" to put behind but u have too man.Did u have plenty of frien ds where u once lived?Why dont u go back to school to get ur bachelors?If i wer eu id do everythign i was doing even when i ahd the gf cause u must have friends too help u find ur way around and put u back on the right track.