Parents of teen girls.....I need help before I strangle them!

[floridagirlal]

I'm not really going to strangle them but I sure feel like it!

 

I have 3 girls ages 13, 12, 7. I am a single mom, working full time, driving kids around all the time...I'm busy. The housework is never done and it causes stress in my life. I feel like these girls should be helping me. I have assigned chores for them and have told them that the chores are to be completed everyday after school and before they do ANYTHING else. If the chores aren't done, they get their phones taken away. Well, the first day was fine but that was 2 weeks ago and they have not taken the initiative to do anything without me reminding them. My middle daughter is good about doing her chores as soon as I remind her but my oldest daughter is just so lazy that she won't do it. They are each responsible for their own rooms and bathrooms and then they have a room in the rest of the house that they are responsible for as well. My oldest daughter is living in a pig sty. Her room smells, her bathroom is a health hazard, clothes all over the floor, cups, plates, food in her room. It's making me crazy and angry.

 

I know that some of this is normal but how much is normal and how much should I expect her to keep clean? I really want to keep my house tidy but my having to remind her to do her jobs is making me more crazy than if I just did it myself.

 

I need help from anyone who has been there, done that and can tell me how to handle this so I can keep myself sane.

[2kids]

YIKES - a health hazard!?! That is so scary. My kids are 11 (boy) and 8 (girl). I am not quite at the point you are at, but I will say this, I am trying to wrangle it in now because the potential of your situation for me is on the horizon. Right now the only thing my kids are allowed to do is homework and chores. By chores I mean general stuff like their own rooms, emptying dishwasher, their bathroom, taking out trash, stuff like that. I am not asking them to powerwash the house or anything like that, just personal pride in how the home that they are living in looks. So right now they have TVs that they cannot watch, game systems they can't play with, and movies they can't watch. I told them when they get bored they can either read a book or do something like play a game together that requires getting along. Sound mean?, I don't think so because I need my sanity. I am to the point that when about 3 days go by that I have to say anything about chores I am going to remove items from their rooms, the only thing that will stay is the bed. I don't think I am being unreasonable, but just be responsible for the few things that I am asking to be done.

 

Maybe your 13 year old should walk in and see you "cleaning her out". Kids are going to rebel and not clean, I get that, but if you have certain standards like no dishes, etc in their rooms, she should respect that. Good luck.

[CatsMeeoow]

Well for starters... anytime your kids do something you like be sure to make sure that they know YOU noticed! It means be appreciative... not just giving the phone back but letting them have something a bit extra. X can pick the tv show we watch tonight or the movie we go to cause she did a great job with the kitchen... etc. Think of small things your kids will like such as staying up extra late one night... inviting a friend over for pizza and video games.

 

Second - give a deadline. Tell your oldest that she has 1 week to pick up the mess in her room or you will do it for her... and when you do it you will happily discard things that are not being taken care of properly... clothes... etc. Things you pick up of value can be kept in a safe place and she must pay... say a dollar an item to get returned.

 

The key is you know your kids better than anyone... what motivates them?

 

Try to start having a family night... where the three of you all work together to plan a meal... make a meal and clean up after a meal followed by a movie at home or a game together. You'll have to use plenty of please and thank yous and point out how little time it took to clean up with everyone working together and how much you appreciate their help. Let's face it... taking away their phones and yelling/grounding them didn't work did it? Try switching gears and taking a positive approach. Let them see tangible benefits of helping out... mom is pleased and shows her appreciation... life is relaxed... they get more time with you... the house is more comfortable when its tidy.

 

It won't be easy... it will take time to retrain yourself and getting the girls into a new routine.

 

I can guarantee you that if I tell my son to go do something... I am met with resistance of don't want tos and whys... BUT if I tell my son that I have some paperwork to go over for the office or we have company coming over and I really need him to do X, Y, Z for me he is all about doing it no questions asked! He also knows from my previous behavior that I'll reward him by simply saying thanks and how great he is and when the time allows I try to play a quick game on the wii with him because that is what he enjoys.

 

Good Luck!

[sweetpea03]

I totally agree with this. Positive reinforcement works better than punishment most of the time.

 

I'd also like to add that maybe you can have a print out of "house rules", like 'no eating in your rooms'(can only eat in the kitchen, dining room, or family room), etc. Also, isn't doing chores daily a bit excessive? What are they expected to do daily? I can see doing the dishes, not having clothes all over the floor, etc. But you don't need to vacuum every day or dust every day. I do that once a week. Vacuuming maybe twice a week because there can be a lot of dog hair. Otherwise I thing you can lighten up a little on how much 'needs' to be done. Prioritize what you really need vs what is not exactly necessary.

[abitbroken]

Some friends of mine work on the points system. They have a bulletin board. Each child starts out with x amount of points to begin with.At the end of the time period (school year, semester, month, 3 months, whatever), they get to cash in what they have left for money or for whatever the reward is decided upon based on what points they have. They can "buy" a junk food snack like a candy bar or chips with points or in otherwords points are deducted when they have junk - dessert at a wedding, etc, is exempt, they get points for doing chores. Each chore or set of chores has points either individually or points are assessed if they do it all week, etc. There are other points accrued for homework being completed but those points could be smaller.

 

Anyway - points are deducted for certain things that are understood by them, such as not doing their homework, turning papers in late, not doing an assigned chore, breaking curfew (maybe not a problem in your house), or you can make up whatever it might be. But be consistent. Don't arbitarily make stuff up on the fly.

 

What it does is that it teaches kids consequences. And it gives them some personal choice (if they decide to eat junk, they won't have points at the end for the reward or they also can't do other things they will need points for). Maybe staying up late will be worth points and they use points to stay up an extra hour. And doing what they are supposed to do will motivate them so they'll have the points to do that.

 

Does that make sense?

 

Sometimes if you just tell kids to do chores, they won't and if you threaten to take away things, threats become idle. Maybe using their cell phones other than for times you are seperated and they have them on for emergencies is something they pay for with points too.

 

I would almost if you start this, send them to grandma's or someone's for the day and have someone help you do the bathrooms * * * * and span to give them a baseline where they won't be overwhelmed and say "okay, these are clean, now its your turn" and institute the point system. It is someone's duty on a certain day to do something specific. Teach them or review how to clean the toilet, pick up their brushes, etc, and one task is cleaning the toilet and another is sweeping and emptying the trash. As the adult, you would be responsible for the major stuff of course.