What is the real purpose in go NC during a break up?

[InaDaze87]

OK ENA faithful! I have an important question as to what is up with this whole NO CONTACT rule that seemingly everyone suggests when someone posts about a break-up with their SO. I have noticed that on every break-up thread 95% of the posts tell the poster to go NO CONTACT for however long. Why is this? What does NO CONTACT really solve? Does it make you ex come running back? Does it make you feel more in control? Does it even take the truthful pain go away that this could really be over?

 

I must admit that I am currently going through a break-up with a woman that love more than words can describe. I came to ENA and posted about the who thing and received some great advice and the famous go NO CONTACT!! It's been about 2 weeks since the break-up but the first week was literally hell! No eating, sleeping, the whole shabang!

 

Well I finally realized that I have always been the type of person that likes to meet problems head on and accept the outcome, weather it be defeat or victory. I also realized that my feelings for this woman are not going to change. Seriously, I know that nothing would make me happier than to be with her, to talk things out; even if that means us not being together. I can accept that.

 

Lastly I realized that the whole NO CONTACT thing just drags out the whole pain and game playing. I felt like I was lying to myself or like it was just a big waiting game to see if something or someone else would come along to take my attention away from what my heart was telling me. I feel like going NO CONTACT is good for some situations and some people but at the same time communication is so very important and often times not communicating can cause more problems and confusion for yourself and your ex as well. I mean wars have been started and people have died all because of our inability to communicate with one another. Not to mention whoever the rebound girl/guy might be could be walking into WWIII and not have a clue all because we decided to try to run from the truth. I was just curious as to how much does this NO CONTACT rule help, if at all.

[Callacova]

It helps you move on faster, since that's the ultimate goal

[iwantmeback]

imo? NC = DETOX

[cheng]

what is imo? sorry.

[iwantmeback]

imo = in my opinion.

what is imo? sorry.

[okiedokiestomp]

If you are the dumpee, it removes you from a painful situation of continuing contact that will only prevent you from healing. It allows you to keep your dignity and to heal yourself until you are in a position of greater emotional strength to decide whether or not you wish to reconnect or move on for good. Only you can decide if/when this is the case so you must be 100% honest with yourself or risk hurting yourself further by reopening your wounds from the breakup. While it puts you squarely in charge of yourself it may sometimes feel like it gives you only a modicum of control over your situation but the reality is that you are in complete control of yourself and your actions.

 

there is no game playing if you are doing it solely for yourself to heal yourself and move on and not to try to bring your ex back. Your ex could decide after some time apart that they made a mistake but that should not be the reason for NC. For your relationship with your ex to ever work again you have to in effect get over them and the breakup and start anew again as if it were a new relationship anyways. This would be a positive biproduct of NC but should not be your goal...of course if you do NC correctly you may not even want your ex back...

 

let me add...I think that if you are unilaterlaterally demoted from significant other to "friends only" status then you devalue yourself and what you have to offer if you agree to be friends if your heart wants more just to keep this person in your life...NC says very strongly that if you choose other than me then you must be prepared to walk away from all of me b/c I value myself too much for that.

[InaDaze87]

It helps you move on faster, since that's the ultimate goal

 

I understand it's intended purpose. I also understand that for some people it works. But I just sometimes get the impression that it supposedly solves everything and make the original problem go away in which it does not. Example: I haven't spoken to my ex but once since our break up. We still have a ton of unresolved issues and resentment that just going NC will not solve no matter how long it lasts. Not to mention that if she or I were to become deathly ill or die in an accident then what?

[Fukurokuju]

I've found through experience of getting broken up with by the same person multiple times that in the breakups where I tried to continue to try to be friends and speak, I could not relinquish my girlfriend feeling (not the just the obvious fact that I was still in love with him, but things like "Why didn't he answer?" "Why won't he hang out with me today?" "Why is he telling me about this other girl?!"). I've found that NC gives you a clean break to remove that distraction, otherwise you're constantly, whether you're conscious of it or not, trying to mend things with that person. NC makes it real, and actually makes the pain felt and taken care of a lot quicker. You just have to continue the NC for longer than you think you have to to make sure things are really stable with you, and that you have really moved on. And the great thing about that, is that once you've healed, you may not even want to re-establish contact!! Hard to believe, I know, but I hear it happens all the time.

[Fukurokuju]

Example: I haven't spoken to my ex but once since our break up. We still have a ton of unresolved issues and resentment that just going NC will not solve no matter how long it lasts. Not to mention that if she or I were to become deathly ill or die in an accident then what?

 

That's part of letting go. You can't resolve the issues because you'd still be together. Resentment goes hand in hand with these situations. Keeping contact feels better because you still want the person there, and talking about the old problems or wanting to feels good because you've got that persons attention while you're rehashing your issues and resentments. It may not make you feel any better in the least, it is even more likely to make you feel worse. I swear by NC now, made too many other mistakes.

[vivia12]

I understand your asking the question of whats so great about going NC,many of us ask ourselves the same. Somehow i sense you do already know what its for bc of your response to the poster. If the breakup is mutual or bc it was due to a big argument,it is wise to let things blow over for a while,and if the other party is receptive to contact sure its best to re-establish and proceed slowly.

However if your like many of us, dumped,rejected,disprespected and when the dumper makes it clear they don't care for anymore contact with you or ignore your contact,(like some not many) of us has experienced. Then it is more than wise to have respect for yourself and not contact some one who sent strong signals,both verbal and non-verbally that they do not wish to be bothered.

You may feel as though going NC stops you from doing something,anything to save your relationship. NC puts you on equal footing that youre not the only one who wants to save the relationship while the other party could care less.

 

It is really up to you,but i believe in Deepak Chopra's law of Least Effort, doing less,in my case,doing nothing is more. NC means you're giving your ex and the situation a break,a long break. Only you can evaluate your circumstance,people at ENA are regulars who have seen,been thru and have heard it all ,thats why they,like I, advocate NC.

[longdist]

For getting back together, I think this recipe may be best:

1. If you did something wrong, apologize, and see what happens (if not applicable go to 2)

2. NC b/c within the first month we all act pathetic when we are dumped. We plead and make ourselves unattractive to the other person. We also don't respect ourselves at that time, so we are willing to do anything to get the relationship back. However, in reality, there needs to be some compromise. Be realistic about NC. It can take months, a year, or longer to get over what happened. Contacting the other person while you are down won't likely help your situation.

3. LC, once the storm has calmed and you can act like a real human being and not sound sad.

4. NC, if LC is unsuccessful. At this point, it is best to try to get over the past relationship. You can always try again far down the road, but obviously things aren't working right now, or your ex would've reconciled w/ LC in part 3.

[longdist]

I understand it's intended purpose. I also understand that for some people it works. But I just sometimes get the impression that it supposedly solves everything and make the original problem go away in which it does not. Example: I haven't spoken to my ex but once since our break up. We still have a ton of unresolved issues and resentment that just going NC will not solve no matter how long it lasts. Not to mention that if she or I were to become deathly ill or die in an accident then what?

I think we all feel this way after a breakup. That doesn't change the advice most of us are giving. You really need to get yourself back on equal ground as the others are saying.

[stu1066]

 

 

Hope this thread I started nails it for you, you wouldnt attempt to win a 100 yard sprint with a broken leg would you! so dont attempt to get your ex back with a broken heart! I do feel for you but your still in the bargaining stage of grief! hang in there!

[Nerdyjock]

1 goal of NC - to start your healing process

I initiated NC to begin the healing process. I don't believe it is a necessary step for everyone. However, I do know me, and I know that cutting things off 100% was how I would heal (and it worked).

 

2nd goal of NC - to win them back or maybe even to get some revenge

Though I had no interest in getting back together with my ex, some people do, and NC also has a side benefit of increasing the chances of them wanting you back if that really is your top goal. Of course it doesn't work all the time, it just varies from situation to situation. The idea is that by showing you have moved on (or acting like it anyway), sometimes they question their choice. The more you linger around when they don't want you, the easier it is for them to stick with their decision because of the self-evident truths. If you leave them alone completely, I guess, some will arge that it will make them think "wow I guess they didn't need me after all...did I make the right choice?" and consider a reconciliation.

 

In the end, I moved on and my ex ended up begging for me back despite breaking up with me (and is still in a depressed state due to this). So I can verify that the NC works for both goals - it did for me. Obviously it won't be that way for everyone depending on 100000 different factors. I do believe that the longer after a breakup you wait to start NC, the less effective it will be.

[jboptop]

I see what you are saying InaDaze87, I thought the same thing when I first started browsing. However, keep in mind that this is the "healing after breakup and divorce" section. Most of the posts are people in situations where the relationship is over for the foreseeable future. This means usually everything that needs to be said has been said, and issues from the relationship do not need to be discussed with each other, people just need to move on. From everything I have read on here, and what I have seen, not contacting the person is the most effective way to get to that point.

[everybodyknows]

I understand it's intended purpose. I also understand that for some people it works. But I just sometimes get the impression that it supposedly solves everything and make the original problem go away in which it does not. Example: I haven't spoken to my ex but once since our break up. We still have a ton of unresolved issues and resentment that just going NC will not solve no matter how long it lasts. Not to mention that if she or I were to become deathly ill or die in an accident then what?

 

The problem doesn't go away, NC doesn't make it "magically disappear". It was and will always be there, but for now, you or your ex has decided that they no longer want to try and deal with. If you or they did, you would still be together. Even if you are willing to talk about it, work things through, you can't force the other party to if they are unwilling.

 

Going NC isn't to help your relationship, or your ex, its to help YOU. Repeated and unwanted contact in most cases will annoy your ex, and most people can not resist the urge, especially in the beginning. Going NC helps put space and time between the break up and the person. If someone were to tell you that they had changed so-and-so about themselves, that they realized they cared about you much more than they let on during the relationship after two or three weeks, would you believe that the change was permanent, or would you believe they were so desperate to be back with you that they would say just about everything and anything? There IS an exception to every case, but usually that is the norm. It takes time and space to truly understand where things went wrong and what your part and their part was in the situation. The time and space NC gives you also forces you to heal. Time will keep passing and without that figure in your life, the pain will and does lessen as you focus on yourself, you can not resist that. During NC, you can take the steps to make those changes permanent or figure out whether or not the relationship is what you truly want/need.

 

It is not the end all, be all of break up solutions. You are a logical person, if you love someone and want to get back together with them, you know that eventually contact needs to be reestablished for that happen. But, for right now, its obvious that its not going to happen, so why not just take a step back and focus all of your attention and time on yourself?