Stuck in a rut, scared as H*LL

[rachinohio]

hello, Please excuse me if I ramble, I just recently found this site and I'm so upset right now, I just feel like getting everything out, I don't have many friends and I don't bring family into my marital problems (I learned that the hard way)

My and my normally wonderful hubby's anniversary was in early Oct. about 2 weeks before that things just started feeling different. The lack of communication, lack of respect in his voice, no more long kisses goodbye, no more calls just to let me know what his plans are. We used to make love everyday, he couldn't keep his hands off of me, now if I lay down before him, it's no big deal. We used to be best friends, now when he's home, we don't talk. If we do it's short to the point, he goes back into game world and me into computer land. All of a sudden, he's more concerned with what is going on with his friends then his family.

 

I will say without a doubt that I am no where near perfect, there have been days that I have expected him to be a hero and take on the world for me, and if he failed then I would either be mean, or just ignore him. He has a daughter that was born 3 months after we got together and I had a hard time opening my home up to another child, who may not even be his when we already have 4 children and are struggling with that. His son has ADD and my daughter has ADHD and I have a teenager, so we already had our hands full, when we brought his 4 year old in, I had to quit college because I could not handle the stress and a part of me resents him for this.He knows that this child being here has hurt me, I was on the fence of leaving because I didn't know if I was fully prepared to handle another child and I am sure this hurt him, I couldn't imagine someone loving me and not being able to accept my child, so I am sure there is resentment on his part, even though he tells me that he understands.

 

Before this last round of weirdness we could talk openly about anything, if I told him something was hurting me, he would make the most honest effort to change it, make it better or console me. Now I am starting to wonder if all of that was just "putting a band-aid on the problem" Please if anyone has any advice how to start the lines of communication with someone who appears to have completely shut down, share it with me. I miss my wonderful, loving, caring man that he once was.

 

Thanks for letting me get all of this out, I have been holding it all in for weeks and felt like I was going to implode. I will give more details as needed

[dancingcolors]

Do you think there is someone else??

[rachinohio]

No, he is always where he says he will be. I dunno, he may be seeing someone else, I could puke at the thought!

[dancingcolors]

Well, have you just tried to ask him what is wrong?

[lavenderdove]

It is normal for marriages to settle into a less 'excited' state, but if you notice a sudden change in his behavior it could be attributed to something on his mind (worries about his child, work, or something else) or the onset of depression, or perhaps an attraction to someone else, or something you said/did that upset him.

 

But i wouldn't just ignore it... start talking to him, and tell him you've noticed the change and was wondering what was going on with him. Don't assume anything, just open up the conversation and let him know you care about him and want to know what is going on with him since you noticed a change.

 

You also need to start communicating rather than punishing, since being mean and ignoring him is about punishing him and not solving the problem. That can create a lot of distance between two people and kill the romantic spark if he feels angry because you're treating him poorly. If there is an issue, you need to discuss it like adults, not pout and punish.

[Angel Irulan]

He is the type person who tends to shut down when he's upset? You've said that you were both with other people and have formed a blended family. If you knew about the child that was born three months after you two got together, you might well have thought to yourself: "Another child in my home to care for!" I know that I would have considered at least the possibility before I married the guy. Look, I'm trying to be helpful, and I know that sounds like a plate of mud slapped at you, but it's possibly what he thinks.

 

I think your biggest problem is that he's shut you out. I wonder if he's trying to control his temper over something? Sitting here online, we don't know a thing about him. Dancingcolors had a good suggestion: ask what's wrong. I can't suggest anything better. If you aren't being open and honest with him, how is he supposed to be open and honest with you?

 

Don't be bitter. It may just be a bump in the road. No family goes smoothly all the time. The trick is to find out if there is a long term problem! Or if it's just, a bit of blues on his part.

 

Angel

[rachinohio]

I have tried to talk to him. He doesn't normally shut down. This is all new to both of us. I admit that in the past I have been less then the perfect wife, I wasn't shown what a good marriage was about growing up, so I try to treat him how I would want to be treated and hope that it good enough. I am probably just freaking out over nothing. I am going to cook a romantic dinner for 2 tonight, put the kids to bed and I am going to ask him to talk to me. We also have a whole lot of family issues going on right now, so maybe he's just as stressed as me and tries not to show it.Dunno, hopefully I will find out tonight. As for his daughter, the mother said the child wasn't his and married someone else moved accross country and we tried to fight to find out, however, fathers rights suck. So once mom's marriage didn't work out 2 years later, she just dropped the child whom we had never met at our doorstep.

[lavenderdove]

Well, that is a lot of stress for you to adapt to as a couple... i'm sure he wasn't thrilled with the way that thing with his daughter played out either...

 

If he won't talk to you, i'd try to get into some marriage counseling before the rift gets any deeper... it could be something simple, or he could be depressed which has nothing directly to do with you, but still needs treatment.

[thejigsup]

He may very well feel a lot of pressure with the romantic dinner and all. I learned the hard way that this is not the way to get a man's attention. It has always backfired on me and I finally asked a man why and he said the romantic dinner as a prelude to "let's talk" puts a man on the spot to deliver something he is not ready to give a woman. He said men will usually feel trapped and resentful of this, even if this was not the woman's intention. I hope it works for you but every time I have tried it, I have had disasterous results.

[rachinohio]

I used to write hubby little letters to remind him of my love. Today I did just that, but I also included that I missed him and wanted us back. I wrote that I wasn't sure what has been going wrong but I want to fix it. Just short and simple. He kissed me and told me that he missed me to. He has had a different attitude, so for tonight I am leaving it alone and enjoying my man. I will talk to him maybe tomorrow, I don't want to put pressure on him. I know some women can do that when they worry and or become upset. I am just not going to be "that girl"

Thanks again for the advice

[Circe]

If you do come back to this - I was wondering if you could give us a more detailed or specific example of an instance where you expected him to take on the world for you and then were mean to him or ignored him when he failed. This stuck out to me. I think this would be one of the most difficult things for a man to handle.

[rachinohio]

Well things are slowly getting better, we talked for a while about the changes that have taken place over the last 6 months of our marriage. His mother going through chemo, my mother needing pacemaker, his daughter coming to live with us. I also have fibromyalgia and that's what I meant about him taking on the world for me. Some days, I fight hard to get out of the house, and that's when I put the world on his shoulder's. It seems like anything that could go wrong has, and I some where along the line I shut him out, and it scared him. Thanks for the advice, this is a great place to turn