When She Says Its Over, Does She Really Mean Its Over?

[brucethescot]

8 weeks ago, after 15 years together (a virtual common-law marriage) my girl told me I'd "lost" her. She said she didn't love me anymore. She said she wanted to be on her own (but including our 8 dogs). She is 43 yrs. old.

 

In those 15 years, we had never had a bad word between us. Since I always worked at home, we were together many hours of the day. We were together alot. Last fall we moved to a 4,000 sf house on the beach in FL. I had some biz problems but we still managed to make due. She began to work part time and was making upwards of $800 a wk in peak season. She didn't have to support household expenses. She travelled to dog shows many weekends and spent her money freely with my OK.

 

While I readily admit I failed to fulfill many of her emotional needs (which I know created the atmosphere that led to what she did) there was nothing that suggested she wanted out until she burst out and told me in early May.

 

In the weeks leading up to her bombshell, she was coming home later and later after work staying out with co-workers after work drinking. Then she wasn't coming in until the AM...saying she was staying with a girlfriend...which I leanred later was a part-truth. It turns out that a waiter from work was in the picture...more on him later. We remained in the same house over the following weeks before final seeparation at the end of June. She even slept next to me and even allowed some light carressing...but then that stopped.

 

I told her that I knew what I had to do and how much I wanted to work on making things right. After all, it was 15 years together. I love her enough that I'll go the extra distance. She said she wasn't wiling to try. She said she wanted us to be friends. But when we split, she didn't give me her address or phone number. This is so out of character for her.

 

But it seems she's jumped from the frying pan into the fire. She borrowed some money from here mom to but a small house. The mortgage is $1,000 a month and her other fixed expenses will run about $700 a month...before food or any of the girl things like hair and nails!. And she is lucky to make $500 to $600 a week at her job.

 

Now about the waiter from work...the other man"...He is 5 years her junior with arms covered with tattoos. He has a felony record over 12 years. He is an alcoholic and psychotic having been admitted for treatment as recently as 4 weeks ago. He has 2 ex wives with kids by both. And he has trouble holding a job. This is the guy she says she is with...and her mother knows all about him and doesn't disapprove.

 

Everyone has told me to use NC. I agree and am resigned to NC. But I'm trying to figure out what in the world has gotten into my girl. There is nothing rational about any of this. And why would she be as cold to me as she was? She wouldn't even look me in the eye when we talked...except on the day we parted when she did through her tears. It was as if she erected an enormous wall between us.

 

I know how sad, empty, and unhappy I've been since we parted. I can't imagine she can be feeling any better. She's probably going to have to try to work 2 jobs plus take care of 8 dogs...which is no easy chore. And I suspect that the other man is probably living with her in her new house...even though she told me she wanted to be alone.

 

She knows exactly how I feel about her and about her plan for seapration. I told her I love her eternally. But I can't see there is anything I can do except maintain NC, try to move on, but hope that she will come to here senses...before its too late for her and for us.

 

Would appreciate your thoughtful feedback. Thanks much!

[hurtbylove]

I don't know why people do the things they do.

 

They throw everything in their life aside for something new and exciting.

I don't understand how people can let their emotions take them away and do such irrational things.

 

Eventually she has got to hit reality of what she's lost.

 

 

Hang in there.

[Ingrid]

Hey guys, open your eyes!

 

(By the way, my fingers are getting tired of typing the same thing to all the guys who loose their "girlfriends" after she's been waiting for you to pop the question for 4 yrs, 10 yrs, 16yrs !!! )

 

Obviously, during all these years you lived in the comfort of your relationship without caring that much about her feelings. Why buy the cow if the milk is free, right?

 

You never wanted to really commit and you chose to remain uncommitted.

 

O.K. I believe she still loves you, but her feelings for you are probably numb because of your long term indifference to her needs. A woman needs to be shown commitment and you never showed it to her.

 

I don't believe in NC. You cannot throw away a long term relationship but you need to realize what you did and correct your behaviour. In fact, a separation could help you grow as a human being and help her too.

 

She is on the rebound obviously and sooner or later she will probably come back to you, particularly if your relationship has been very stable and agreeable as you said.

 

I would advise you to stay friends with her as much as you can. Even though you have little contact with her, whenever you do, show her you are there for her. Now is the time to make up for all the things you forgot to do, and for all the indifference you showed her.

 

There is no doubt that she will run into major problems with the new guy, especially if he is a troublemaker. Whenever that happens, you must be there to catch her when she falls. It seems she ran away with the first idiot she found because you really were not doing enough.

 

I advise you to become her friend and now it is time for you two to learn to communicate. I have the feeling that everything will get much better.

 

Take care and take care of her!

[brucethescot]

Ingrid,

 

I love you!

 

Your thoughts are dead-on.

 

What a wonderful forum.

 

Thanks again!

[shockeddismayed]

Wow...

 

Brucethescot, I don't know what to say... I am very sorry for your loss.

 

I certainly hear Ingrid's words loud and clear, however it is very gender-role biased. I agree if it was indeed you who was dragging your feet in the "comittment" department... however I know of many LONG-term relationships (including my own) where it was actually the female that prevented the relationship from taking that next step. If you were at fault for that, then I think maybe you need to follow Ingrid's advice.

 

If on the other hand you had made it known to her that you were ready to committ to her life-long, then I think a different approach is necessary. It could be that this girl is taking you for granted. Usually when this is the case, the best thing to do is to walk away for a while. When you meet, be friendly, but do not be her friend and do not be her crutch. She needs to realize that choosing to leave you means just that... she has chosen to be alone.

 

Let her miss those special times you shared... it will take her some time to heal from the pain that was caused in the relationship... it will likely take a long time considering the length of the relationship (and by extension the length of time she was feeling neglected). I'll be honest and say that the other guy may slow that process down... but he could also speed it up... difficult to say.

 

In any case, you cannot be expending too much energy on her for the next little while. There are two sides to this breakup, and you need to focus on your own for a little while. What could you improve?... What could she do for you that would have made things better?... etc. It's time to live with a little bit of selfishness until you can heal, distance yourself and get the perspective needed to realize whether you want to try again.

 

Don't worry... she will be doing this too. And it almost invariably leads to a point where you could both choose to work things out... whether you both decide to do that is another story.

 

Keep contact minimal and pleasant. Be supportive, but don't support her.... she asked to do be alone, so give it to her.

[brucethescot]

Dear S&D,

 

Thanks for your thoughts.

 

As I said in my original post, I readliy admit that it was my difficulty in showing her more emotion and passion that contributed to this. That said though, why would she not want to try to work on it when she knows I was committed to doing so?

 

Why would she gravitate to a guy who is an ex felon, an alcoholic, and a psycotic who can't hold a job? (Someone suggested she wants to "save" this guy...). She has put herself in a financial position that seems impossible to me. It seems like when she said she was leaving she put something in motion she couldn't call back. She had to see it through.

 

She knows how to contact me but has not given me her address or phone. She told me that if I NEEDED to reach her, to leave her a message at her work. It is VERY clear to me that she wants NC and I am resigned to NC. Any contact will have to originate from her. Other than that there is really no way we'd run into one another. We don't have any common friends. her new friends are real low lifes...drunks, etc.

 

When we parted for the last time 2 weeks ago, she wouldn't even hug me good bye. But she looked at me in the eyes through her tears. For weeks before she couldn't look me in the eyes.

 

Yes I came to take her for granted becuase we were together so much and for so long. But she knows now how deeply I love her and how much I want to repair any damage. She just said she wasn't willing to do so.

 

I truly understand why she is hurting and what caused it. But I can't understand why she would jump from the frying pan into the fire. What is she thinking...or was she actually thinklg at all?

 

I'm so baffled and bewildered. Its as if the last 15 years didn't exist.

[skynet74]

Why would she gravitate to a guy who is an ex felon, an alcoholic, and a psycotic who can't hold a job? We don't have any common friends. her new friends are real low lifes...drunks, etc. When we parted for the last time 2 weeks ago, she wouldn't even hug me good bye. Yes I came to take her for granted becuase we were together so much and for so long.

'm so baffled and bewildered. Its as if the last 15 years didn't exist.

------------------------------

 

Hi,

 

I edited your post and have Quoted everything that matches what I am dealing with. My Girlfriend of 10 years recently took off. She initially left me to go find herself. Well two weeks later she was finding herself in some Drunk's Arms. That night he actually died from Alchohol poisoning. She then comes crying back to me. Then she left again in May. She's been frquenting Bars with friends. Took home one guy who must of liked Alchohol too. Her refrigerator was full of it one day. Then she dated some low life who bit his nails and spit them out all over her living room floor. She recently told me that these guys were A**holes becase they would no longer return her calls. I couldn't hold in my comment of "What Goes Around Comes Around." She didn't like hearing that one to much. I guess the grass isn't greener on the other side. Yeah....... She's really been doing well for herself since she left. You think she would of learned her lesson....... yet she still searches for someone new. Good Luck to her.

 

She showed up here on Friday to pick up her mail. No Hug....... or Anything. She still obviously holds a lot of anger in. Why, I don't know. I never lied to her, never cheated on her. Tried my hardest to make her happy. But like you.... I also ended up taking her for granted. The relationship may have got a little boring, but after many years together that tends to happen. It's normal. For some odd reason our women don't see it that way. They think everything should be exciting 24/7. They get bored and then they leave. Then when they get bored again they will realize it wasn't us afterall. So the best thing you can do is just leave her alone and let her get bored again. She'll come back. Mine will too. Then it will be up to us weather or not we even want them back again. But as much as it hurts, right now our Ex's hold all the cards. Let them finish playing this game and then watch what happens. They will be calling.

 

Hang on for the ride. Nothing we can do 'till this Crazy Train stops.

 

 

 

John

[kate111]

Dear BrucetheScott,

 

Sometimes when someone feels neglected or bored they think that it is just normal and just kind of chug along on the relationship until they meet someone who really lights their fire or gives them attention. When this happens it makes them suddenly realise that their present relaionship is boring and they start to question it.

 

This may have happened to your exgirlfriend.

 

If the guy your ex is seeing is such a low life, then maybe he is taking your ex for a ride and manipulating her. Maybe this new house situation has something to do with him. I would be concerned about this.

 

If you truly feel like you did neglect your girl when you were together and truly want her back I would probably write all this in letter and give it to her.

 

That way if this situation with the new guy fizzles out and she realises the error of her ways then she knows that you will be there waiting with open arms for her.

 

Goodluck

[Ingrid]

I must agree with Kate111,

 

All these girlfriends who are hanging out with major losers, criminals and alcoholics are not in a normal state of mind : they have actually lost their selves and are following a major self destructive path.

 

Why ? Because you were not able to support them. Because loving you and being patient with you destroyed their self esteem.

 

These women are hurt and they are depressive and they need help.

 

I would feel concerned and I am very concerned that my x-x-boyfriend has become promiscuous and is doing things out of character (drinking, drugs) because I feel responsible for what happened. I am there for him every day although he is rather aloof and rude with me. I know he needs my support and he is slowly getting back on his feet.

 

Since I dumped him (he never asked me to marry him and I failed to understand that he felt he had nothing to offer me) he has already made a major mistake of marrying a golddigger. He's already divorced but he is going through a major promiscuous phase now, but I feel I have to be there and take the s..t because he loved me so much and I hurt him so much.

[skynet74]

All these girlfriends who are hanging out with major losers, criminals and alcoholics are not in a normal state of mind : they have actually lost their selves and are following a major self destructive path.

 

--------------

 

I agree with that. They are not in a normal state of mind. it's neither reasonable or rational to throw away a secure and (or) stable life to just go start off on a self destructive path. I see this behavior in my Ex right now. She's started drinking three or four nights a week, she's been frequenting bars and clubs trying to meet new men. She has become very financially irresponsible. Falling way behind on her bills and not even sending in a Tax return where she had a REFUND coming! She is just pushing aside any sense of responsibility since she left me (even if that responsibility could benefit her). She seems to be using bad judgement and has suddenly stopped caring about a lot of things. It makes NO SENSE.

 

But in what way can we help? Are we as Ex's virtually powerless (or) are there things we can do to help them through these confusuing times? Do they need to work this out on their own or can they be helped? Personally my ex doesn't want my help. She's made that clear. I assume that most other Dumpers feel the same way. That's why many choose to take off. If they wanted our help to begin with then they would have never left in the first place. I guess I answered my own question.

 

So...... I'll ask a different one. What are the chances of an Ex actually pulling through this and coming out of it O.K? Does the Ex usually realize the mistake they made? Is it a sudden realization where they wake up one morning and feel that they screwed up (or) is it more of a gradual realization where they slowly begin to question what they've done?

 

thanks,

 

John