7 year relationship - 3 months pain... close to breakup! HEL

[popvix]

Hi everyone,

 

Im going through an awful time now with my girlfriend of 7 years and 3 months - we both met each other when we were 13 and ended up going out with each other from the age of 18. We fell in love really quickly and spent most of our time together for about 6 year - which put pressure on our relationships with our families and our friends since we were so wrapped up in each other.

 

So in 7 years we had some amazing times, and also some tough times,... but each and every time we got through things together and were an inseperable team. Its something we would always tell each other how it was so amazing that we could get through anything together, and up until april this year, nothing had changed. For years we've always had this "connection" that other couples never seemed to have, which we would always talk about. We would have business ideas which we would sit and think about together for fun, and lots of dreams and aspirations about travelling and stuff (we've been to asia about 3 times now),.... its quite cliched but up until all our problems started, we honestly thought we were just incredibly more stable and better than alot of shallower relationships.

We would nearly always tell each other the truth, no matter how bad it was, and would always face problems together as a united front. Our friends and families more or less considered us "joined a the hip"... in short, we were unseparable.

 

We both left university at the age of 21 and set up a business together which did well for 9 months, then did VERY badly for 18 months which left us in alot of debt. Around the age of 23 we decided that i should try and finish off current business, while my girlfriend applied for "real" jobs - one of which she took which was in london, 300 miles and a world apart from our home town. So we moved away from our families and friends and started a new life in the south.

 

for the first year, i was out of work so we literally lived on barely any money - so my girlfriend was unable to take part in alot of the social activities that her work mates did... which at the time we had no choice over the matter so this wasnt an issue. However i then managed to get a very very good job, and our income more than doubled overnight, meaning within 6 months of gradually getting our financial situation better - meant we had the option to spend our money on more than just incidentals etc.

 

Because of this, my girlfriend started to socialise more and more with a group of similarly aged people who were all recruited at the same time into the company - this has become quite a tight group, and they spend alot of evenings and weekends going out to nightclubs and bars and restuarants, it was quite a "cliquey" group i gathered, and some times when i enquired about these evenings, i was told they were for "graduates only" - which was a way of saying it was something that their specific group wanted to do, and wanted to exclude any outside friends or boyfriends. I felt quite left out at this point, despite the fact i wasnt really interested in what they were doing To begin with, My girlfriend and i had been training alot in the gym - so she didnt take part much in these events initially, but after we both had gotten into good physial shape and my girlfriends confidence about her own looks and charm increase, she then started to do this more and more, which meant it was detracting from the things we did together, and concequently, since i'm a very very jealous natured person, meant i would just get frustrated and upset the more and more her social calendar was geared away from me.

 

This all came to a head one evening when we were both drunk, and i told her to leave and never come back... although to my complete surprise - she actually did that and packed her belongings and left... The day after i realised that this wasnt a game anymore, and i suddenly felt very cold and alone... the day after, i called her up and after some coersion, she agreed to come home and we could talk about things..

 

... when she did, alot of the obvious problems in our relationship came to light - mainly centred around the routine of our lives, which admittedly had become too formulaic involving going to the gym monday to friday, then sitting in on saturdays and sundays with pizza and wine. Other silly niggles and stuff were covered and at the time they seemed like massive fundamental issues (she told me she was wondering what it would be like to be with other men) but soon after i realised they were just symptoms of a bigger problem which was to start living a bit more and expanding our circle of friends etc etc. She also pointed out alot of my own personal issues which i more or less agree'd to all of them and wanted to resolve them since she was more important to me than the silly things i did.

 

Unfortunately, although this ground was covered within the first 2 weeks and the major issues put behind us - the arguments still happened, usually based around me getting angry about how much time she was spending with work friends, and staying out late drinking (when we first started going out, she never drank) and planning weekend activities with them. I was feeling very left out and unimportant so this made things worse since i didnt feel she was making an effort to balance work, play and relationships - and instead was on a slippery slope back to where we were before this all. This came to a head AGAIN when another evening where we were both drunk and arguing - i emailed a few of her work friends telling them all how unhappy i was with them and my relationship with my girlfriend.. this was absolutely dumb on my behalf and although it never had massive effects with anyone concerned, my GF has become increasingly resentful of the fact i did this. Whats worse is that i did something similar about 3 years ago when she broke my heart somewhat after admitting she had been flirting with some other men at university - which being high school sweethearts and naive... hit me alot harder than it should have.

 

So after banning her from see'ing friends and the weekend, then having a careless attitude and giving her free reign to do what she wants since i couldnt ever think i could control her, its got to the point where i can tell she is simply sick and tired with it all and keeps saying things like "i know we'll break up... sooner or later" or tells me that she just feels "numb" towards me and us. I dont blame her for feeling like that and just being honest with the way she feels - but i think at this point she keeps reflecting on how she feels right now, and not looking at how it compares with 7 years previously with no problems at all like this.

 

Last week she went out 5 nights in a row starting on monday and through to friday night where she crashed at a friends house overnight... I dont think it was a totally deliberate attempt to keep away from me, but she seems more or less to go along with any social occasion, to the exclusion of thinking if its going to make things worse for us - tonight she's supposed to be going out AGAIN with people from work which will make it 6 concecutive nights in a row where she has been out drinking with them. I was arguing with her this morning about this and asked her to stay in with me - but she said she just didnt want to spend time with me, which i can understand is just being honest, but i just dont feel like she wants to even TRY and go through the grit of rebuilding us as a couple.

 

At this point it might look like we're through - but there are loads of times when she will admit that 3.5 months ago she was determined that we were going to last forever and get married etc. And/or when i try and tell her that we have something so special together, and try and clear a path through all these problems, i can somehow see in her eyes that our love is still there.

 

Alot of the times when we talk, i can tell she has barricaded herself behind a number of issues - and when i can break that resentment, i can always see the love inside her. Or when i go back over recent times where we've had a great time, she admits they were good. The problem is that she doesnt seem able to think like this unless i'm trying to remind her of it. I think she's trying to stop the pain of working through things by putting up an emotional wall - but i think all its done is dragged the issues out further, and now its been three months since this whole issue started off and its obvious we are both sick and tired of it all.

 

Unfortunately whereas i'm sick and tired and just want to get over it and be happy, she seems afraid to want to come back to things properly and just mark a line and move on - she has retreated into the attention of her friends from work who obviously look better in this light right now, than her miserable boyfriend at home.

 

The problem here is that its essentially 3 months of pain, dragging down 7 years of more or less fantastic times in terms of love and companionship and working together as a unit. I'm very very worried about breaking up with her since i would essentially be alone in a part of the country where i have only a few friends and no family, and i would have lost the greatest thing ever to have happened to me. She doesnt seem so worried since she has a large network of similarly aged friends who would most definitely support her through a breakup by distracting her i guess... The thing is that when i look deep in her eyes, i just know she loves me and is just finding it mightily difficult right now to look past current events and give our relationship the chance it deserves.

 

She never denies that she's worried that she might move out and we break up, and then realise she's made a totally massive mistake - only when i put this in front of her does it suddenly click in her mind, but never when we arent arguing.

 

How can we work through this problem... its so difficult trying to work on things when we both work full time jobs, she has a group of friends who all enjoy her company and she enjoys theres right now, and she doesnt really want to sit down and keep re-opening wounds and making us upset, even if it MIGHT save our relationship. I feel im carrying the torch of hope this time around, while my girlfriend is finding it very hard to see the good in us any more, we really need to find a way to get some clarity on the whole situation so we can either move on together, or whatever else... I love her so much, im just desparate to get back to what we had only a few months ago.

 

Thanks for listening and any advice would be great.

[Mar]

Wow....you've been through the wringer on this one, no question there. You're in a tough spot AND a good spot in that you two have been together so long. The tough part is that you both started dating so early, and never had a chance to date anyone else nor have much of a social life outside of each other. Obviously, now that she's going out with her friends, she's realizing what she missed out on there.

 

The good spot is that you two have such a deep history together, as you said. You know she loves you (which is creating some serious turmoil in her if she IS thinking of leaving eventually) and you love her, and I think she's faced with some huge guilt issues when she thinks about staying with you vs. leaving to try out a life on her own.

 

You've already talked to her. You've reminded her of the good times (which is essentially calling upon her guilt as well, in that it could been seen as you saying "We did really well together in the past and you're going to throw that away now, throw ME away?"), you've admitted your faults, although you're still fighting with her about the same issues (granted, I can understand why, since she hasn't changed her behavior whatsoever) and you've tried to have her spend more time with you, which she's choosing not to do.

 

Throw out all the arguing, all the nagging, all the begging. All that does is drive her away from you more, and make her more determined to spend time with those friends that DON'T argue/nag/beg, and just want to have a good time with her. I think that, at this point, you need to ask her one question: do you want to be with me or not? Plain and simple. Let her know that you love her dearly, that you respect her, that you want what's best for her-but also that you have to consider yourself into this equation, as does she. And it's not a healthy relationship at all right now; something has to give here. And "I don't know" isn't a good answer to get. Of COURSE she's not going to know, either because it's sudden pressure to have to make some sort of decision, or because she doesn't want to lose either thing she has going, whatever. Regardless, you're not asking her to break up, you're asking her to divide her time between the man she supposedly loves and her friends in an equal manner. This is not an unreasonable request!

 

Ask her if she wants to date other people, sine she's brought this up before. Yes, it's a painful question, but better that you know up front than that she cheats on you down the road because she doesn't want to hurt you. And you can't argue with whatever she answers. You're asking her for an honest answer, you have to respect her if she gives you one.

 

I don't know what else to suggest, since you seem to have covered all the bases. I'm very sorry that you're having such a hard time with this, and I can understand your distress completely. But you have to find out where her priorities lay, and if she's not happy in this relationship, and is making you unhappy as a result, then something has to give. Maybe you need to spend some time apart so you can both think of what you're looking for in the future. I know what you'll say you want, so I guess it's more to give her a chance to see what she wants. And yes, letting go of someone you love is harder than anything, because there's always that fear they won't come back. But that's the test there: if they do come back, then you know they love you as you do them. If they don't, maybe it was over for them and they just didn't feel the same anymore. But to try to keep someone in a relationship using guilt factors and playing on their sympathies isn't right-the decision has to be honest, like anything else in a relationship. Best of luck to you, I hope this works out for you.

 

Mar

[Maverick44]

Hey,

 

Sometimes things just bite big time, man!

 

You know, I dated a girl for 6 years. We had the whole high-school thing going on too. We were together from almost 18 years old each. Crazy, eh?

 

So, what do I think you should do?

 

I agree with Mar. You've done what you needed to do already. I'd say you should probably accept that it's over. It seems she has. She seems to be sending you that message. I know it aggravates you and makes you mad because it would do that to me. Think of it in a way that it is over and she WON'T be changing her mind.

 

Maybe she isn't coming straight-out and telling you verbally but her non-verbal signals/actions are totally indicating it, eh?

 

I think you should just tell her - "Hey, I've loved what we've had. I hate to see it end but I really hate to see it come to a grinding almost wanting to beat each other end. We've had a great relationship and time and to tarnish it by being together and trying to work through this when it doesn't seem likely just isn't working. I think we take time apart, dating other people, and if we do get back together, great, but let's not focus on that anymore."

 

Personally, for me, I think that's the better approach. And for me, I think you need to do No Contact, for awhile, once it is over. It's for your own well-being. As for not knowing/having anyone around, you need to get involved in various groups/outings. You already have the gym down. Continue to do that. It does help.

 

I know it sucks and you will feel like you don't WANT to go without her but really, this seems like a choice you can either make or it will be thrust upon you. You might think that she's out dating others or whatnot but don't bother asking because why? If she is, that bites. If she isn't, then what?? Idea of hope? When or if she wants to come back, she'll let you know.

 

Sorry about rambling a bit.

 

Good Luck,

 

Maverick

[banditt]

I know where your coming from popvix, I'm in the same boat. My girlfriend is now having fun with her MEN co-workers, as in having sex with them, she just to see what she has been missing I guess, which I understand because she has only been with me since she was 16, and we've been dating for 6 years. I have a had a blow up argument with her a few times, and I soon found out that its not helping win her back. So now I have to deal with it, and support her desission. It hurts to see her sleeping with other people, but I love her so much, that I'm willing to wait for her.

 

So my advice to you is if you love her and you know she might come back to you, support her, and she'll more than likely come back to you, more than she would if you were mad at her.

 

If you don't think you too will get back together, move on, spend time with friends and family. Keep yourself busy. I know its hard, I can't get my gf out of my head for 1 min, but thats life.

[popvix]

Hi guys,

 

thanks for all the good advice

 

Yesterday we talked things through again and i showed her this post - and asked her if it was a fair explanation of our situation and what she thought of it...

 

Initially she seemed really cold and said she would have simply have stated that she wasnt interested in me sexually, and wanted to try out other men and a single life without any responsibility to anything or anyone... we sat and talked about this for ages and once i started asking her the motivations and reasons behind things, she didnt seem so sure at all that the things she thought she wanted on the surface were actually true.... when she told me she didnt find me attractive, i asked her about this and her response was along the lines of basically wanting to get back the thrill that we all have when starting out on a relationship - you know the kind of thing where the slightest kiss or touch is enough to turn you on... she said she wants to have that feeling back... i told her that was exactly the way i felt but that in long term relationships you cant rely on the "magic" to be there without any effort, it takes effort once you pass the infamiliar stage where anything and everything is a turn on. She agree'd with me that we can have fantastic sex and when we make an effort things can be magical... then i went through all the things that maybe she takes for granted with our relationship ... the tiny little things we all miss when we're single... to which she couldnt deny any of them..... she broke down a number of times and cried alot.

 

... anyways, after i just talked her through everything she was feeling and explaining that all the urges about sex and freedom were exactly the same as what i had been through at one point - although the difference was that i had reached a wise decision about taking one thing over another a long time ago and im happy with that...

 

 

This morning she woke me up and told me she had been to CHURCH while i was asleep... we are in NO WAY religious people so this completely bowled me over.

 

She cried alot and basically told me she was completely messed up and didnt know who she was any more... going to church meant she was suddenly surrounded by alot of good and pure people and i think it basically put the fact that by their standards, she was living in Sin (not my words, hers) and that said alot to her... She admitted that life is just too difficult these days and people are too throwaway and rather than fix something that is broken... they just get rid of things.

 

I was amazed by this to be honest... and she wants me to come along next weekend to see it all.

 

 

Having said that, she's had some confused moments today where she just looks exhausted... i feel sorry for her in that way- but we've hugged alot and felt alot closer.

 

Hopefully we can move in the right direction now ...

[popvix]

I think today things have more or less come to a head and we've pretty much agree'd on break up terms.

 

I asked her about what her heart keeps telling her, and how she feels in general before we argue or even talk things through - she admitted that all she thinks about is how and when we'll split up,... rather than the things which i think about which are based around wanting to fix things.

 

Its obvious she just has an itch she needs to scratch, and until she leaves and experiences the freedom she doesnt know of (both sexual and general) and the wanting to know if there is anything better out there for her - this issue is not going to go away.

 

Its obvious in a way there are a whole number of reasons behind all of this - mostly due to becoming part of a very promiscuous group of "free" people, quitting taking the contraceptive pill also had a very noticeable efffect on her also hormonally, and gaining alot of financial and social independance after we spent such a long time being "held down" by lack of money, or other ties.... has her questioning what she has.

 

In the past when we've been through this "breakup zone" i've had very empty feelings inside and ive never felt so panicked or low... at the moment i just cant get rid of the whole disbelief of the issue - if anything i feel numb. Theres also a part inside me which more or less expects her to move out and then come running back to me,...

 

I think im deluding myself though... im wondering whether after three months of this heartbreak im finally coming to terms with things - or whether or not everything is just going to hit me like a ton of bricks in the days or weeks to come - I dont know how im going to cope with that. I very much doubt i'd turn to alcohol, and i dont have friends shoulders to cry on or really anyone who i would want to talk to about this with anyway, at least in person.

 

I cant help but blame everything thats happened to us on circumstance, and not on anything that is fundamentally wrong with us as people - how can i come to terms with a breakup that doesnt seem to have happened for any 'real' reason other than a chain of events and people and the bad influences that the world places on us all....

 

Its probably going to take 2 weeks for her to move out - i really want to be able to keep a lid on things, although i can just see myself trying to convince her "doctor phil style" that this is wrong at some point... but i just KNOW that this approach doesnt work.

 

These long slow painful breakups are hell.