I feel scared.

[muchacha_abril]

I think it's hard talking about how you feel. Feelings, as much as we name them, don't come in different flavors and colors. In my case, most of the time I have a mixture of feelings; the most prominent is anxiety. In general, anxiety seems to be defined as a temporary irrational fear. But what if you've thought up long enough, in a rational way, about the reasons to be fearful and you find that your fear isn't irrational? What if the fear has fundaments? What if I'm scared of talking because I don't know stuff, or because I don't believe in the things I do, or because I feel ashamed of my life? What if, in all honesty, I recognize that I'm lazy, not sharp, not bright and that fact will never change as much as I tell myself positive thoughts? What's the next step? Self-acceptance?

 

Ok. So I accept myself. However, will others accept me? And now, don't tell me I shouldn't care about what people think about me. We all care. We wanna prove them wrong if we disagree with their perceptions of our personality. We wanna scream "yeees, I'm really worth your time!!" but do we do it with conviction? Are we really worth their time? I think that's why I avoid deep relationships or friendships with anybody. Because I know, for sure, they'll be disappointed. I cannot always be funny, or happy or patient. I cannot. I don't have a social personality. I may not even have a personality. My feelings hang on the outside and I can't help but to look at them and I recognize I have no intention of hiding them.

 

I have a nice boyfriend and we started dating without knowing much about each other. Truth is, we don't have much in common and his ex-girlfriends are very talented, intelligent, pretty girls. I do compare myself, why wouldn't I? Why is he with me and what in the world do I have in common with those girls? Nothing. They didn't clean houses for a living, neither did he. They didn't have to learn English at 16, lose their identity and start from scratch. Now, I'm not saying I've suffered. I've just survived the way any human does. They haven't been forced through that. They've had a nice education, nice parents who had nice jobs and nice houses. I have worked as a babysitter and my boyfriend used to have a babysitter like me when he was young. See what I'm aiming at? I don't know if it's classism or what. I just don't think I should be with my boyfriend, at all. It seems like a weird, uncomfortable mix. Maybe there's racism but I cannot help to feel weird when his relatives give me certain looks (the look of "why is he with this girl that barks in English when he could be with someone that's educated"). I'm not pretty either. I'm sure if I was pretty I could just "act pretty" and keep my mouth shut and people would like me because I'm cute and that's it. But since I'm not pretty I have to justify my existence with brains, which I lack. Since I have no looks and no brains, at least I could be a good bulls*itter but I don't have enough conviction for that either. I've seen ugly, mean women marry nice guys because they have the conviction to know they are worthy just because, never mind the reasons. Just because.

 

I have a personality problem. I'd like to call it "lack of personality problem". I feel like everyone in the world is so used to BS that they expect you to BS them constantly, and impress them. I know who I am and my flaws and I know I cannot impress anybody, nor do I want to. I used to feel angry against people who wronged me and now I just feel like I did let them use me in any way and never thought I should stop them. They didn't even fool me. I just participated in the ritual for my destruction in hopes of...what? Just because I was bored. Just out of apathy. Just because I wanted to feel something, or experience something different.

 

Sorry I took so much of your time but maybe you feel like me and meeting you, even in the virtual world, is somewhat comforting.

[itsallgrand]

Hi. Just from your post, I think there is very clearly a lot you have to offer. Things maybe you have a difficult time seeing yourself, but that others can detect as gems and you as a person worth cherishing.

 

In regards to anxiety, I relate bc I've been there (and was there for a long time). Very severe anxiety that impacted my life in many major ways. I think the ability, and willingness, to be able to speak about your feelings is a key step in overcoming longer term anxiety and managing it. Also, managing fears. I am not talking on a theoretical level but from my own experience. Perhaps what I have learned and adapted for my use in my life is not good for everyone, but it may help you, and so I'll share.

 

One big lesson I learned was that with learning to manage fears and anxiety, one of the first steps is to not allow yourself to fall in the trap of trying to reason your way out of it while in the grip of it. Using reason is one of my major tools for managing anxiety, but the key to it is first you need to simply acknowledge that what you are feeling is simply a feeling and that it is majorly coloring all the other aspects of your thinking and feeling.

 

The best way for me to explain it is this: going back to basics like if you were taking care of little one. If a little one throws a fit, we don't usually jump to the conclusion the kid has some personality problem first. First, grown ups usually think if he's tired, or hungry, or scared - what the need is that is making him go into such a state. Well, in a real way, the same applies for grown ups and ourselves. Often, the simplest remedy to anxiety is the most effective and the last one we feel like doing while wound up, mind you.

 

It's essentially learning self care. Cause well, plenty of us didn't learn it early on, we didn't really get taught or something happened along the way to make a mess of it. But that doesn't mean you can't change courses and live in a new way again.

 

I don't think you have a personality problem. Well, maybe you do, but there is no way in hell you can evaluate that while you are saying you experience a lot of anxiety. First, address what is making your body so thrown up in anxiety all the time, then worry about your personality. You may well find that once you know what it is to be at peace more often than not, the perspective is so different these questions will not seem so relevant anymore. It often is that way, and things you thought were UNIMPORTANT and not worth worrying about - they are the things that suddenly you see upset, worry, or otherwise cause problems. lol. It's very hilarious how that works once you change how you relate to the world and it becomes easy to speak about how you feel. (speaking as someone who was where you are a lot, and now changed her way of doing things and being).

 

Nothing is permanent. You know, that can be something that scares you or bugs you, or you can let it be something that is a comfort. It is a comfort to me, bc it means also that all the problems and negatives are also not permanent. Nothing can ever get so stagnant.

[turnera]

It sounds to me like you have a lot to offer. He probably sees that too. And fwiw, he's probably had his fill of rich, beautiful empty-headed girls who have nothing to offer except their background. Now he's looking for someone who will love him and treat him well - and you obviously fit that, right?

 

Here's what I'd do. Figure out what you are insecure about, and tackle those things. If you feel uneducated, start taking a class each semester at your local community college - get educated!

 

If you're uncomfortable with your English, practice, practice, practice! I know a boy from South America, and he speaks better English than I do, and I'm a writer!

 

If you don't like your looks, start reading fashion magazines and learn how to apply makeup the correct way for your face; dress so that you flatter your figure; choose clothes that help you look more sophisticated; style your hair in current styles.

 

These are all easy things to do that will go a long way toward making you feel like you belong.