So easy for him, so hard for me - the divorce begins

[sweety74]

Hi everyone

 

Ive moved here from the abuse and violence section. As per my post, husband and I were married for nearly 10 years, in the first few years he had a couple of outbursts including throwing a clock accross the room when he woke up in a bad mood, punching a cupboard. These incidents happened once every say 18 months and back then after a period of being withdrawn from him and upset, I forgave him, we moved on.

Things got a little worse once we had children and the pressures of living in a house we liked, in a town we hated, with very little chance of getting ahead, due to the high cost of living in this town. Outbursts from him have been occurring more frequently like six monthly, and lately once every couple of months, we nearly broke up a month ago, but managed to get past that one too. There has never been any hitting, he will just swear with no regard for who might hear it, including children, throw things or punch walls. This time because I tried to go to another room when he starting ranting and raving over nothing, he followed, grabbed me by the arms and shook me. I did it straight back to him, he got a fright, and kind of, flung me away from him. It all happened pretty fast. We stood there afterwards in total shock - I reacted immediately by handing him my wedding and engagement ring. I told him "this is unfixable" He said he didn't want them, I put them away, he said that he knew he had messed up and I deserved better. Okay, well, I told him it was over and it was unfixable. Didn't he know I meant - do like in the movies and beg, plead, promise to do anything it takes to make this right - go out and buy flowers, start treating me how you used to all those years ago with kindness, gentleness and love.

 

Oh why do we play these silly games?

That's it - marriage over in a matter of seconds.

 

I went away for a couple of nights, cried, thought, cried thought, came out feeling strong, positive and certain a divorce was the right thing to do and the only thing to do, and thinking "I'll show him - I don't need him"

He went away for a few nights to "clear his head" I thoroughly enjoyed the time apart and didn't miss him one bit. I don't know if thats because I was so angry, or still in shock, but I was sure that divorce was what i wanted.

 

But there was this little part of me that wanted him to come back and say he had missed me, he wanted to do everything it took to make things right. He didnt - he just came back, tried to tell me all about his time away and what he had got up to. Im finding it so hard to want to be conversational with him, Im still hurting and still angry but he seems to be fine with everything.

 

He has already worked out he will go and live with his brother - 7 hours away which will make it very hard to arrange visitation with our 5 year old. It means I will probably have to fly down with him, stay somewhere until the end of the visit and return home with him.

 

He has already made a list of what items he wants from the house and has asked me to make a list as well of what I want.

 

I have told only two people that we are breaking up, and have tried to be careful with telling them why- and asking them not to think badly of my husband.

 

HE has told people including his closest brother, that we have simply "grown apart" When he told me this my back went up - how dare he.

 

We have talked a little about his temper and anger. Only I have mentioned counselling and outside help - he tells me "he has something organised" and he "needs to sort himself out but he can't do it here"

 

Why oh why, is his family so unimportant that he would not spend the time or make the effort to get some help BEFORE things got to this point??????

 

Im angry, Im hurt, Im still hoping for some kind of miracle. Yet when Im in my angry phase, I feel like '**** him if he cares so little about it all - its for the best'

 

Im trying to focus on the issues that brought us to this point. Im taking advice of others and thinking of the bad times and not the good.

 

He is just so casual about everything and thinks we can move out of a nine year marriage into being just roommates overnight - so hard!!!!

 

We have to live in the same house until it sells, and like the big sucker I am, I told him if it takes too long or things get too awkward between us, he should just go, I will stay here until the house sells and we will share the mortgage payments. He will leave some stuff here in our garage for the meantime. Honestly, he has it all sorted!

 

Hes excited about all the money he is going to be making once he starts working in his new city, his main upset is that we aren't living a wealthy lifestyle - we certainly are a lot better off than we were two years ago when we nearly lost our house and couldn't afford to eat. I feel like saying "well I hope all that money keeps you warm at night!

 

So angry - hes just walking away just like that

 

So stupid - Im the one that said its unfixable

 

How do I move on from limboing from feeling like its for the best and accepting it, to feeling like I want to beg him for us to give it one more shot (when he was the one that forced the breakup in the first place)

 

If youve read this to the end THANK YOU - I know its long - if youv'e got any advice - even if its to tell me what a twit I am for creating this mess by not being honest, I would appreciate all and any comments

[msbee]

I have never been married and i do not know what it is like, but I think you should talk to him about making it work one more time because you clearly still love him. And maybe he thinks he has hurt you too much and leaving you would be best. I am sure he has begged you plenty times in the past, so he might just be thining you are fed up. goodluck

[summersweet]

Hi Sweety

 

Sorry you find yourself here. I know exactly how you feel.

 

Things blow up so fast sometimes and we speak with emotion instead of logic. It can be so frustrating.

 

You need to tell him. Soemone on divorcebusting said to me do you want to be happy or right? This is so true. Just tell him much like his temper...you're emotional side got the better of you and you said something was not fixable when really you just don't know what tools to use. Marraige counseling can give the tools. He can get the tools he needs too for his temper and anything else he may be experiencing. You both owe it to your daughter.

 

He must tell you if he wants to make changes, and if he loves you. Can he accept your lifestyle and be happy with it regardless of wealth?..These are important questions. You don't want the same crap coming up again in 10 years. Therapy would probably help him. Let him know if he wants to go to a MC you would be happy to set up an appointment with a professional ...at least be sure in your hearts you really did try as hard as you could. It will help you accept things too (should it not work out with your husband).

 

The worst he can say is no. Tell him soon.

 

Good luck to you

[lostandhurt]

Sweety,

In the end we can only control ourselves and our actions. This can be very frustrating when you know how to fix the problem but you can't force them to do it. The time for pointing fingers is over. If you are going to divorce him since he shows no signs of wanting to improve then put it behind you and accept what you must do now. Accepting what we do not want to accept is one of out biggest challenges.

Read my signature below..........

 

Lost

[sweety74]

Thanks everyone for taking the time to read and reply, summersweet and msbee what you have said makes sense, My anger/pride ego is just preventing me from wanting to reach out at all so I guess if I want to continue being angry, proud and egotistical, I have to accept what is going to happen.

 

Lost and hurt your advice is probably the best advice for me to take right now. I have to stop being in limbo between accepting whats happened and trying to hold on to the relationship when problems are most likely to flare up again in the future unless there are huge changes immediately on both sides. What tends to happen with us is that we make promises to change, are on our best behaviour for a couple of weeks after we make up and then fall back into our old bad habits.

 

As he isn't even able to admit to his closest family member the reason why we are splitting up, I find he is not being honest with others or himself. When he has already started planning what he is going to do from here on in, and making lists of what furniture he would like to take with him, it tells me that he is not even in the same space as me - like I told him, Im still trying to absorb what is happening, he's miles ahead of me, hes practically half way out the door.

 

The arrangements we have made, mean he gets to go off to a new exciting life in the city while I stay here in my little hick town, furiously trying to get together the money to get out, and waiting for our house to sell. While he stores his things in our garage.

As for working out how to make sure my son sees him regularly well I don't think he has thought that through. It is going to be expensive and the weekends he has with our son will mainly be spent travelling.

 

It just doesn't seem fair somehow?

 

What frustrates me is that, he went and brought me a bottle of wine last night, he still makes me a cup of tea each morning, he used my pet name the other day. I guess its hard to suddenly stop routines/habits that youve had for 10 years so Im not reading anything into this. We are now sleeping seperately. Trying to do a little each day to move forward.

 

I think that he has just gotten so used of me giving in and accepting his behaviour that he won't change. Like someone else here said, they just keep getting worse to see what you will put up with.

 

Okay so today is a day of acceptance. Today is a day where I feel that this break up needs to happen. Lets see what tomorrow brings..

[ForumGuy]

Don't know if you're still on here or not, but I think you should put on the dignity face and continue with life like it is also easy for you. Chances are that it is not actually easy for him. I suggest making him a low priority in everything you do. This may be your only hope right now to get him to turn around before he is gone.

[sweety74]

thanks forumguy, Its got a bit more complicated now,

 

Today, after a reasonably good day, where we actually managed to be around each other without feeling completely awkward, and even sat outside and had coffee together rather than go out of our way to avoid each other, we had a talk about how we were feeling about the impending split.

What we have come to is that we both still have very strong feelings for each other, but that we have had a history lately of arguements and outbursts occurring, being sorted just for the next one to happen months later.

He is feeling so bad about what he did, he is terrified he will lash out again and really hurt me and he feels the best thing to do is walk away so that can't happen. I am the same, not confident that he won't have another outburst and worried someone, me, could get very hurt. With a child to look after I can't afford to be hospitalised or worse, dead.

So, we are both feeling that we have no choice but to go our separate ways. We agree we both have issues with each other that remain firmly implanted in our minds, so that we are never going to get past those issues.

I cried, he nearly cried, he offered a hug, I said no, not when you are the person that caused the problem that has led to the need for comforting....

More talk, more tears, and then... I allowed the hug. And then there was kissing. and then we just held each other. Nice? No - messed up!!!! Because despite all this we aren't going to reconcile. He is now having difficulty being in the same room as me without wanting to hold or kiss me.

Ive said, that if we aren't going to reconcile then this needs to stop as its not helping us move forward. Ive told him that counselling is another option to us having to split up - he says that in order to sort his issues out he needs to be completely away from me. He has no option. He also says counselling is expensive, Ive pointed out to him that it is free via family court in this country, if you are about to file for seperation or divorce, they recommend you do the counselling first.

 

So, we love each other, we don't want to split but we have to, he has been all charming and huggy and kissy, and is kind of, drawing me back in I suppose, only to cut me down by saying the split is still going ahead.

 

Is he playing mind games or what????

[ForumGuy]

Certainly not easy for either of you. It is a game he is playing, but is probably not meaning to play it. Again, if you want him to really turn around, you are on the right track by not allowing the affection. You need to be the one to act indifferently about everything, like you said he was doing at the beginning of this thread. Make him a low to zero priority while he is still around to observe it. Tell him you are done talking about the relationship and you have to mean it, and stick to it. Even though he may not be intentionally playing mind games with you, he is doing it and will continue to, if you allow it. On another note, my health insurance covered the all but $20 per session of my counseling/therapy...not sure what you might have.

[sweety74]

Thanks forumguy, that all makes sense. And Your phrase at the end is great!