Banging my head against the wall...

[Celadon]

Can someone please explain something to me?? I'm driving myself crazy because I can't seem to get something through my thick head.

 

Of course, it has to do with a guy's behavior (guys-- here's your chance to enlighten a woman).

 

Here it is: How come a guy (in this case, my ex) can be all friendly and wanting to hang out one month, then totally "busy," can't-be-bothered the next?

 

It's really frustrating, and I'm just talking from a friendship standpoint. He completely initiates getting together for awhile, but then later, he's off doing something else. And when he's doing something else, it's as if our friendship doesn't exist to him. He doesn't miss it. He's just "sorry can't talk now" sort of thing.

 

I don't understand how someone can be this way. It feels like there's a good friendship for awhile, then suddenly things get extremely casual. And believe me, I do NOT act clingy or like an ex or anything. I'm just acting like a friend, but a good friend, and I would hope he'd be the same way.

 

I feel like I'm getting whiplash! Can someone explain this -- or give me a good kick in the rear? Thanks.

[lady00]

Maybe he has a new girlfriend...it's not uncommon for exes to want to hang out and remain friends so they don't have to be lonely and then disappear when a new love interest comes into the picture. If he has a new gf he will spend all his energies on her and she wouldn't be thrilled to know that you two still hung out. If he does have a new gf and if he really wants to be friends with you, this stage won't last long and once their relationship is established he would probably be more available. But it doesn't sound like you're over him. If he were just any other friend then you probably wouldn't think twice about him not being available to hang out. but he isn't really a friend, he is your ex and right now he has the power to upset you. Take this time away from him as a way to really move on. If you guys become friends in the future, it will be more genuine because you won't have feelings for him anymore.

[lunatic]

K8tie Kool,

 

I would have to say Lady00 has a really good point there. There can be many factors that would make him not available but, Lady hits the number one thought right on.

 

Way to go Lady!!!!

 

 

Hubman

[Celadon]

Thanks, Lady. That's a definite possibility. And I appreciate knowing you're sorta in the same boat, too. Thanks for telling me that.

 

But here's the thing. I'm sort of a shoot-from-the-hip kinda person. It drives me nuts to not know or to feel someone's being dishonest with me. I try to keep my friendships open, to tell my friends what's going on. In fact, I feel like dishonesty is disrespect.

 

So, my ex may be seeing someone; heck, he may be having a sex-change operation for all I care! But what I hate is the feeling of suddenly being cut off, of friendship being devalued (with anyone, not just him) because someone doesn't want to tell me something.

 

Am I crazy? Probably. Sigh!

 

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to respond. I do hear what you're saying about backing off. That's wise, I guess.

 

Anyone else's thoughts are welcome too!

[Chandler]

Maybe he only wants contact when he feels lonely. Since my breakup, there are times when I enjoy being single, and there are times when I feel lonely and want to be with my ex (more of the latter unfortunately). Maybe that's the only time he wants contact.

 

If that's the case, then he's not being a good friend. Would you take that from your other friends? Also, since this bothers you, you may need to ask yourself if you are ready to be his friend and just a friend. If you want to be friends just to be near him in hopes of things will change, then you're not ready to be true friends.

 

I still talk to my ex. She has a new bf, so I don't call her, but she calls me sometimes. We have good talks and just catch up on what each other are up to. We don't hang out though, and when we talk there's no "us" talks and I never mention her new bf and neither does she. But if she doesn't call for a few weeks, then I'm okay with it too. That's how I know I'm ready to be friends with her.

 

It did take almost 4 months to get to this point though. And what got me here is NC. I would suggest for you to do the same.

[a_little_sparrow]

I have to agree with both lady00 and chandler. What seems to be amplifying the problem here is the fact that he's your ex, and the fact that there may still be some latent emotions.

 

And the only other thing that I can think is that if I'm not really that interested in the ex, I'm very wary of any signals I might get from her that would indicate she was interested in a little more than friendship. It doesn't even have to be clingy. It's just that because there's a history, we're at a different point than I would be with other friends.

 

And like Chandler, I feel ten times more at ease talking to an ex when I know she's dating someone else. It just eases up any pressures as I know (and hope) she's completely crazy for some other guy, and I'm just someone that she was really good friends with.

[Celadon]

Thanks, Chandler, Little Sparrow. If I can stop being annoyed long enough about this situation, I have to admit you're probably pegging him right.

 

He's my "friend" when *he* needs a friend. But otherwise, he views me as "the ex."

 

So I'm damned either way, 'cause either I get treated like a disposable security blanket or like I'm a pariah. I'm neither; I'm just a nice person who thought it would be good to stay friends with her ex.

 

That's what I get for being nice.

 

P.S. Sorry to say, we *did* do NC for two months before we got to this friendship. Maybe it wasn't long enough for him ...

[Celadon]

Hey everyone,

 

Thanks for all your help. It's been a rough day but you got me through it by taking the time to answer. I think I've got a better understanding of the situation now. I didn't want to accept that my ex is that shallow or selfish, but I guess he is. That's how he operates, in any case.

 

I see now it's a lose-lose situation and there's only so much I can do within that context, so I'll stop trying.

 

Take care,

K8tie

[TrueHeart]

Remember that humans are creatures of habit. He's probably very comfortable with you, so rather him spending a lot of time attempting to still 'break the ice' with a new lover or whatever, he'll stick to whats comfortable for the moment. Don't let him mislead you, at this stage, some guys like their cake and eat it too..

[donefor79]

I read a really good article in Men's Fitness bout x's and can u be friends with them or not. It seems they and I tend to agree u cant be friends with ur x most of the time. I mean as the article stated, lots of times u keep x's around for other motives such as monitoring there dating scene or lack of, hoping u can still have sex with them, or simply trying to be the first to find someone else before letting go....it seeems all to be hurtful, even the sex if u are really close....aanyone agree disagreee???

[TrueHeart]

Donefor-- Couldn't agree more.. You put it so perfectly... I absolutely agree! =D>

[Celadon]

You're both right! Sigh. I just wish people would *think* a teensy bit more about how their actions affect other people, know what I mean? Anyway. Peace. 8)

[TrueHeart]

Awe, but that would make the world TOO perfect to live in..