right... self mutilation, help? warning: could be long...

[Aleksey]

heh. to start, i would like to say that i tend to, um, rant, sometimes, and i can get some really really long posts. so, ye be warned. as well, i wasn't sure if this should go in either this part of the forum, or the suiicide part.. so sorry.

 

ok. basically, i am just asking for help. and to start, i will give you some oh how lovely history!

 

many many years ago (well, not so many, more like, six or seven) i left Nigeria. yes, that's in Africa. and, whilst doing so, left every single bloody friend i had. and, no, there was no chance that i could ever see them again (well, the likely hood was very low). as well, i am just not the type of person who keeps in contact. so, basically, i moved into 10th grade of highschool, without anyone i knew (i moved frm my father's household, to my mothers. so, even my relationship with my mother wasn't very close). as a side noite, i had a tramatic experience which i prefer not to share in nigeria, but, i note it because i am trying to get it all out... =/

 

ok, so i am pretty much alone in high school, yeah, i make 'friends' in my class and whatnot, but i really only meet one person i can really talk to. lucky me, she lives about three hours away, and i rarely get to see her. ok, so fast forward until january 12 of 2004 (recently). in short, i haven't really made any friends in school (people i can trust, and talk to). sarah (my friend i mentioned earluer) has seemed to drift away, our conversations spase and short. and, to top matters off, i dislike staying with my father (in Texas, mostly because he always seems to be trying to make me sometjhing i am not), and don't really like my mother much either. and, about the side note about the tramatic experience, i finally apologized to the person concerned. after about six years or so. heh.

 

ok, now, you basically can get the idea that i am alone. i also should mention that i had been cutting/suicidal for about a solid year at this point. the depression, however, i would say streched back at least a year more (two years), probably more.

 

ok, now we jump one day. i believe it was a tuesday, january 13, 2004. with the lovely help of a before-school bowl of marijuana, i had a massive anxiety attack (at least, that is what i ahve been told from the doctors. it basically felt as if my body was going too slow for my mind., i felt the urge to throw up several times, as well, i felt like i would hyperventilate. and while i had been suicidal for the past year(s), i guess i didn't feel ready to die. for that is what i felt like i was doing. dying.). so, anyway, with much ado and buearuactatic (SP!!!!) crap, i get the paramedics on the way. about at this point, my dean (the head honcho) asks if i was under the influence, which i answered yes to (note: the stuff i smoked wasn't laced with anything, as the guy i smoked with i trust (as odd as that sounds), and he says there wasn't any in it.). so, about five minutes later (seemed like a lot longer to me), the paramedics arrive shortly after the firemen. and, soon, i am off to the hospital!!! w00t for me (SARCASM)! anyway, once there, the doc asks if i was depressed, and then suicidal. and guess what, i answered yes to both of them. so after some more paper work, we got me into a phyciatric (I CAN"T SPELL!!! SORRY) hospital in Loma Linda. and, then, we took a trip back to the school to get some stuff! and, it was at this time, my mother was kindly informed, by my 'understanding' headmaster, that basically i was kicked out. after that, i pretty much went staight to loma linda.

 

so, that was oh such a wonderfull day. ok, i spent a week in the hospital. gettting out on my b-day (and turning 18. lucky me! (SARCSIM)). now, i am on meds, and seeing a head doc (srry, can't spell, and am too tiured and lazy to try) once a week. i am also now enrolled in a school that i basically go and get homework form once a week (for kids who want to finish their education, but can't go to school full time, such as teenage mothers). annny way. time went by, and i graduated june 2nd. things weren't great, but not horrid either. basically, i wasn't happy, but wasn't sad, and wasn't cutting or thinking of suicide.

 

however, times change (ok, FINALLY i get to the end... thanks for bearing with me!). today. right nwo. that is where we are. in the past, i would cut once, wait for it to heal, then cut int he same place (one cut is easier to coneal than many). now, however, i cut several times, and don't care about them healing. what hasn't changed, however, is the location: on the inner wrist. yep, above the veins. think that i am trying to tell yousomething (hint hint SARCASM)... heh. as well, i no longer drive with a sealt belt. i think of suicide mroe and mroe. the plans i used to have for killing myself have come back. basically, i am not where i was january 12. no no no. i am worse. no longer do i have any sort of social group. or obligations. today, i woke up, and saw no reason to get out of bed. so i stayed in bed, dozing off, for bloody six hours. yep. six. at that point, my bladder was so full, i couldn't stand it. XD. and sarah. oh my, sarah. she gets her own paragraph.

 

so, the rest of my life can be sterotyped. don't like my parents much. don't have any sort of social circle. pretty much don't see a future, what so ever. and all i want, is to fade away.

 

however, those of you who say tha ti should talk to sarah, my one and only friend, this paragraph is for you!!!:

sarah. she is the one, and only person, i feel i can trist and talk to. yet, instead of calling her, i am posting on this forum. lucky you!!! my big problem with her is my greatest fear. pretty much every time we talk, she says that she loves me, and i believe her. yet, in the past, and again recently, i am not sure what love is. at all. whatsoever. so, i no longer can say, honestly (which i want to be with her), that i return her love. so, my greatest fear, is that i truly do love her. you see, if i do, then that means that i won't kill myself, because it would hurft her greatly. yet, the reason i am so fearfull of it, is because that would mean my one way of getting off this bloody rock (so to speak), is gone. replaced by what? nothing. nothing that will change a bloody thing. it won't cahnge how i have no future, nor my pain, nor my solitude.

 

so, now i finish. in short, i bloody hate myself. and i dont see a way out. those of you who are asking' where is your question' or 'what was the point of this long post?' here is my answer. the long post (THANK YOU if you read it all!!!) is to try and explain, to myself, as well as you (this is the first time i would have gotten it all out; well, as much as i can at one time, at 3:11 in the mornign), how i don't see a way out. how i don't see a way, or someone, to grab onto and ask for help. and that leads to my question. instead of asking why i cut, or help for cutting. i just ask for help. please. help, of any kind. i supose i may be realising that i do love sarah, and need to change, or soemthing. i don't know. just help please.

AIM: sicSpade

e-mail: email removed

 

 

[Aleksey]

oh, w00t! more for ya. i thought i should mention, that mentally, i am seriously declining. basically, here is what i can point out:

 

my short term memory is greatly shortened. for instance, when i used to be in school (pre januyart), the teacher would put up two assignments on the board, but in brief, explaining them oraly. i would get to work on one, but couldn't remember the second one.

 

my eyesight seems to be failing. self explanitory.

 

ok ok ok. i know, you are saying, these can just be physical problems, not related to my mental state at all. and i am probably just freaking myself out. but i mentioned i am trying to get everything out. so, that and this (which, i am pretty sure is directly intertwined to my mental state)

 

edward has developed. edward is whati call myself, when i really really get depressed. basically, i stop calling myself by my given name, and start calling myself edward. i see this as soemthing my mind does, becauyse it is easier to see someone elses' pain than your own. and while i fully remewmver what goes on, etc, it feels like it isn't me. as well, i can stop myself from writing in third person, and all that, but, it is really really really hard, and feels just so bloody good to not.

 

bah, ok, i am done. i am going to sleep. if i can. and see what happens

[kuhl282000]

Aleksey

 

Well you have some challenges that lay ahead of you for sure. You will have to change your way of thinking if you are to escape your own thoughts. Remember you are in a really negative thinking pattern at present, so you are going to be the one to change that. I'm glad you are seeing a doctor and on meds (at least just for now, till you get better)...you really don't want to do yourself in, you will have plenty of time to die when you get older, trust me on that one. You are still young, and have many many options you have not even considered as of yet. I feel you are limiting yourself with just one friend and really no family members to supporet you. You can make some new friends here, we have some super cool people in our community. So you know you are always welcome here and can vent all you want. What is the doctor telling you? You can pm me with the answer, i get all my messages here. How do you feel you are doing over all ? What part of the country are you living in now ? Are you still living with your parents ? And you did finish high school ? Correct ! Do you feel you are improving youeself ? Are you having less desire to cut yourself ? Please let me know...I'm really concerned.

 

Kuhl

 

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