is he verbally abusing me?

[Depressed186]

my boyfriend and i have been together for about a year and a half now, i have gotten from numerous people, people that i rely on, that he belittles me and takes advantage of me and the way he talks to me is not right, would it be abuse if he does belittle me, and the way he talks to me makes me upset and angery? he does not hurt me physically but he does emotionally... i dont know what to do, we have a daughter together and i dont want to stay with him because of her,but also i know that she loves her daddy, but i cant stay with him if we are not happy, im tired of fighting with him,he thinks he is not doing anything wrong. its not worth my time and stress. what should i do and is this real abuse?

[Tinkerbell]

As for whether or not it's real abuse, I cannot say for sure since you haven't given any specific examples of things he often says. Concerning what you should do, you must do whatever you think will make you happy. By the sound of it you're not happy with this man, and your daughter will surely understand later on that the reason her mother and father don't live under the same roof is because that there were too many conflicts and too much pain inflicted. Even if the two of you are separated I doubt she'll love him any less, sure she probably won't see him as much but in due time she will know what you did was for the best. It is not the time to be selfless when your well-being is at stake.

Take care,

~Tink

[Depressed186]

i greatly appreciate you replying soo quickly, im new to this site but i find it very helpfull, only because these are people you dont know and wont feel embarrased to tell them your problems, i cant really rely on family they tend to just tell me what to do instead of telling me to follow my heart or whatever. although i was for sure that this was the one guy that i wanted to be with for the rest of my life, i wanted to get married to him until i started getting angry with him for little things he said to me, for example he kids around with me but somethings he says really hurt, they are mostly pertaining to the way i do things, and to my body. sometimes he will critisize me for things that i want to do or have done, or he gets mad when i want to go out and hang out with my friends, i mean i dont hang out with my friends at all i mean i have hung out with them maybe once every 2 months or so. the only thing holding me back from leaving him is if i do leave him, i will loose everything, the car, my 2jobs and a place to live, i dont want to go back to my mothers, i want to live on my own. im sooo confused...i mean im hurting sooo much that its affecting my work.

[Celadon]

Depressed, do not stay in this relationship if he is belittling you and doesn't care to change. That is not love. I have been belittled myself, and same as you, he was "only kidding." Bullsh--. He made cracks about my not being able to cook, about my not being physically fit, etc. He was a jerk and it took me a long time to stand up and say that. He wronged me, and it was only my kindness that kept us together as long as we were.

 

If your man is not mature enough to see that what he's doing is hurting you, he's not worth your time. If you stay with him, your self-esteem will go lower, and you will stay angry all the time and it will be hard to trust men again. You deserve better. I hope there are friends or a local community service organization that can help you get back on your feet, if you decide to leave. Good luck and take care. And don't take it anymore.

[Depressed186]

thanks for the advice guys i appreaciate it, its helping me make my decision, the hardest one i have had to make.

[hurtabandoned]

I am a "fluffy" person and my ex-huband picked on me constantly. the insults were very hurtful and he was aware of this. For him it wasn't that he was really bothered that I was overweight he used it as a form of control.

 

I stayed in this relationship far longer than I should have. It is unbelievable the amount of damage that can be done to a person with words. For the longest time I hated looking in the miror. It has been 7 years since I left him and I still don't wear shorts outside the home.

 

It is never okay for someone to insult you or put you down. Insults and putdowns is a form of abuse. Sometimes words can hurt more than a punch. If he is unwilling to stop then I would consider leaving. It is not healthy for you or your child.

 

-Hurt

[bleeder]

Hi Depressed186,

 

I understand your plight. It seems that your boyfriend is putting you down, and it is not right to belittle someone you love.

 

You have done the right thing, though I know that it's not easy to walk away. But for the sake of your child and your future happiness, it's something you would have to do for now.

 

Be strong.

[Depressed186]

You have no idea how much talking about this with yall is helping me, hearing other peoples stories helps to know that i am not the only one going through this, although i have to say that im not sooo sure how much longer i can deal with this, although i have no money and i dont want to go back living with my mother, i want to be on my own. so im going to have to ruff through it until i cant get on my own two feet, i mean i love him and all, and i mean hes a good man, hardworking, and loves his daughter, but only helps me around the house when he wants to, laundry, cleaning and with emily (my daughter) he only does things when its a good time for him. when she comes home at night from being at my mothers, he doesnt change her diaper, he doesnt get up with her in the morning when hes off, the only nights that he puts her to sleep are the nights that i am not home, which are 4nights a week. all of the other days i am the only one doing things. and he complains when i need him to do something, i dont know.........im hurt, ive told him, but he wont listen....how can i get through to him, i want to make this work...give me some segestions.....

[Depressed186]

so even if we do split up, if my daughter has his last name would he have more rights to her than i do????? im scared he could take her from me...

[avman]

Whatever your daughters last name is, it has absolutely no bearing on custody. Only each of your fitness as a parent will matter.

[Celadon]

im hurt, ive told him, but he wont listen....how can i get through to him, i want to make this work...give me some segestions.....

 

I can understand your desire to make this relationship work. So, tell us what you mean by "he won't listen." What does he say? Do you talk to each other or do you just yell and accuse? It's hard for anyone to listen when they feel defensive.

 

It also sounds like he has a different idea from yours of the woman's role in a relationship. That seems like a significant problem. Do you think that is so? He believes that you should do all the household and child-rearing chores. You think he should be equally responsible. To stay together, you will need to compromise.

[losinghope]

I have a question... do people who are verbally abusive to their partner not like that with their otehr partners? meaning like are they verbally abusive to one or that's how they are with every one of their partners? i'm really curious to know.

[hurtabandoned]

I have a question... do people who are verbally abusive to their partner not like that with their otehr partners? meaning like are they verbally abusive to one or that's how they are with every one of their partners?

 

I found out that my exhusband was treating his current live in girlfriend in the same manner that he treated me. I think that verbal abuse can easily become a pattern.

 

I was financially dependent on my husband as well. That's a big reason why I stayed as long as I did. I also thought that if I could just get him to change that everything would be okay. The truth is if they don't understand or are unwilling to change then there is little that you can do.

 

I would suggest looking into working outside the home. It's not a good idea to be financially dependent on someone who is abusive. Often times they use finances as another form of control.

[Depressed186]

I dont know how many times i have talked to him and told him that what he says to me and how he treats me, hurts me. everytime i tell him so.....all he does he get mad and say "whatever, whatever" and gets loud with me, and tells me that hes just joking with me, i tell him that it hurts when he critizises me for everthing and jokes with me about little things, like things i want to do or things i say...like wanting to go hang out with my girlfriends, something i do every once in a blue moon. or tell him that theres something that i want to do, see thing is...we used to go out before i got pregnant, and before we actually "got together" well i tell him that i want us to go out and do something together and when i suggest to him where i want to go, being as i want to go somewhere, the places we used to hang out. if i suggest something that we used to do together, he gets all mad and says to me " i dont have the need to go out anymore, i dont want to go out anywhere. and just gets all mad...i dont know what to do with him, but he wont change. theres where the belittling comes in, he treats me as if i am still a teenager and acts like i need to be grown up and act as an adult, and i do....but once in a while i would like to go hang out with friends and do things i used to do, like play pool or go bowling, having a child does not stop me from going on with my life and doing things i would like to do. does that help yall out a little????

[Celadon]

Sorry to hear it, but ya, that explains things better. You know, he sounds like either he's (a) on the defensive because he feels really bad about himself for some reason, or (b) selfish and thinks that you should be exactly the same as him.

 

Maybe it's both. But they say that some people who belittle others actually have a really low self-esteem. When they need a "boost" they drag others down.

 

I da know, Depressed, I agree with one of the earlier posters that you should start thinking about how to become more financially independent. That will give you choices when and if you decide to leave the relationship. Do you have any girl friends who could help you or support you through this time?

 

Take care.

[Depressed186]

i have my mother, but i dont want to move back home, i want to be out on my own. uumm, my grandmother but they have my 17yr old brother, and trust me they have enough on their platter....my father who is moving down here from chicago, but thing is i live in Haymarket, and i love my job, and i dont want to leave it, its good money, and hes moving to norfolk and thats like 4hours away from here. but i would love to live with them, but just really need to be financially stable, my father also knows that my relationship with him is rocky and he said that his doors are open anytime i need them...i dont really have many girlfriends anymore only because once me and him started dating and i got pregnant...we stopped hangin out with them, cause when we met all we did was drink and party.... and plus those people were nothing but DRAMA, and johnny (my boyfriend) couldnt stand me hanging out with them...he hates my friends, he hates it when i hang out with them, i dont know why but he does.... i mean thing is, im also wanting to see other men, cause i dont feel loved enough is this relationship, is this wrong??? should i be thinking this...actually i have been feeling this way for a long time now....IS it wrong????

[Depressed186]

ok, i am sooo confused its not even funny, i dont know what to do.....i love him to death, but i cant stand the way he is treating me, and i will loose everything if i leave him, i wont have a job, no transportation, i wont be able to get my daughter to the doctors office or anything. i cant see myself with another man, yet i dont want to leave him i love him. i have tried talking to him, but he just doesnt seem to get the message. this is a loose loose situation. i want emily to be able to grow up with both of her parents but i dont want to live this way, i want to be able to go out with my friends, without him getting mad. i want to be able to do things without him getting mad, i want to be myself without him critcizing me. i love him....sooooo much but i hate living like this... i need help. i dont want to live alone. someone help me.

[Celadon]

Depressed186, I think you should go live with your dad. He said you're welcome any time, right? Consider doing this at least on a temporary basis, so you can start seeing for yourself if this is a relationship (with your bf) that you really really want to continue.

 

You love him, yes, but do you love yourself? I think we all, especially women, need to love ourselves enough to take care of ourselves. You don't want your daughter growing up with the idea that men should belittle women, do you? That doesn't seem in her best interest to me, but that's just me.

 

Something needs to happen to change your relationship. And it really is up to you. Take a break from it, then see where you guys stand in a few months. You do have the strength and the courage not to be belittled or depressed anymore.