Wanting to help a friend figure out divorce, please help

[quatre03]

I am posting about a friend's case, because I know she is too shy to do it herself, but she really needs some advice. I'm not sure how long she's been married, I believe about 13 or 14 years. She also has two kids, a girl and a boy. She has told me a lot about her situation, and I really wish I knew what to tell her, but I don't. She told me that she can't stand her husband anymore, and that even her younger child, the girl, can't stand him. She says her son loves him, but at the same time, he's probably getting tired of all the crap.

 

Most of the things (house, electicity, etc) are in her name, I believe. She does not work, however. She has almost no money or any assets. She is looking for a job, but won't be able to get any money, if the job even works out, for a month. She and her husband split his paycheck, taking out enough for bills, and splitting the rest. Recently, however, he has been holding back more of the money, making it hard for her to pay the bills. She told him that she wants a divorce, but she has tried to before, and wasn't able to. He thinks this is just a phase that will pass, but she is definatly serious about this. She lives in Kentucky, and has considered doing all the paperwork herself. She can't pay for a lawyer, but in order for a probono lawyer to help her in any real way, she has to be separated for 60 days. But, he won't move out (although he has threatened to) and she can't, because she has no money. We have both looked for divorce papers so that she could do it herself, but they're always expensive.

 

All I can do is offer her emotional support, because she doesn't even get it from her mom. Everyone thinks this will just pass, but, even from the first time, it never passed. She just never had a way to get out. I wish I had more answers for her, but I don't... so I'm hoping to find some here. If anyone has any advice, please help!

 

-A really concerned friend

[charmed]

Hi Quatre03,

 

Nice of you to take the initiative - you are obviously a good friend.

 

Well, I'm sorry to say, but it sounds like she needs money. If the only thing stopping her from getting out of the marraige is the financial aspect of the process, she needs money. A job won't necessarily help her out - as she also needs to be able to be independent of the husband while still being able to afford to pay for the divorce.

 

She needs somewhere to go with the kids, but preferably her own place - as she risks custody by living with friends. Perhaps she could move to family somewhere.

 

Again, it sounds like the root of this problem is money, and is probably the solution too.

 

~

[quatre03]

Well, one thing I forgot to mention, is that she doesn't really have anyone to stay with. She lives "in the middle of nowhere" and has almost no friends. I asked if she could move in with her parents, even just temporarily, but her brother lives there. There is only one other bedroom in the house, but it's used as storage space for her brother's junk. She's asked him to move out before, but he just won't. And her mom won't make him. There are also issues with her dad, she doesn't want her kids to deal with him. So, the only option is for her to move out or her husband to. But, yeah, the real problem is money, or getting rid of him.

[charmed]

It's a difficult situation for her then, and she has more than just the divorce to think of - she's got the kids aswell.

 

The reason I say she needs money, is that if the husband has money, she could potentially loose her kids through this break up, and all because she doesn't have money to fight for them. I'd say she needs a)Her own place that she is in 100% control of and b)Money for the divorce.

If she waits for him to leave, she could be waiting.

If she brings the kids to an environment that they are not happy in, she may loose their support.

 

The answer is of course money. To rent her own place, to provide for the kids, and to fund a divorce. I really don't know what else to say to you here I'm afraid.

 

~

[bleeder]

Hi Quatre03,

 

What exactly is wrong with your friend's husband? Is he abusive or something more?

 

If she has made up her mind to leave him, I would suggest that she try to be financially independent first. Getting a job for example. If possible, she could leave the kids with a day care center during her working hours.

 

Keep us posted.

[CrazyStuFF129]

my parents are now divorce, and my friends parents are separated..but not divorce, but he holds the divorce just so he doesnt have to pay for child support for my Jane(my friend) and her older brother Ryan..But..

 

my friend's mom read this thingy, and she said that she could get

her own job..for a while or so..then make her own bank account, then when she has enough money, she can just settle in..and im sure if she asked some people to help, im sure they would..as in like..there are some places, where they could help..and also, when she has her own money, she can move out, get a small apartment tthen start all over..and if she gets full custody of the kids, the husband will have to pay child support, so that would help out....because there are many people like that, they get a job for a bit.. then save it in their own bank account then move out when they have enough.. because..there are some jobs where you can work flexible hours..and theres one job that someone recently did....where they sold items to people.. on their own time..so you can always look in a magizine

[quatre03]

What exactly is wrong with your friend's husband? Is he abusive or something more?

 

It doesn't really matter what's wrong with him (whish is a lot), she's made her mind to leave him, and that's the important part. He's never really loved her, although he says he does. If you really want an example of him, she told me that when she told him that she was pregnant the first time, all he said was "oh." He controls her, and tries to manipulate her. She's always said that he plays mind games. And, since he makes the money, he uses it as a control over her.

 

This is just a tiny bit of what she's told me. She wants to get the divorce papers to do it herself, but she can't find them for free. She doesn't have the money to pay for the packages that you can get. She's trying to get a job, but doesn't have anything concrete yet. If she does get the job she's trying to get, she won't even get paid until a month after she starts. He has some money, more than her anyways, but won't give it to her and says that he has other things to use it on, instead of the divorce.

 

If anyone has advice on what she can do, to get the papers, or get him to pay for things, please tell me.

[CrazyStuFF129]

um, in some places, they pay by the second week...like if you get a job at an athletic club, they pay the second week ...and also there are some paper filing stuff but it'll be really hard to find some free ones, you would have to find an organzation and ask around, or find the phonebook, and ask...* from what my friends mom says..

 

 

and when some of my other friends parents got divorce, there were some cheap ones...but i dont know how cheap

 

..but if they were still living together..wouldn't it also be HER money too.?

[bleeder]

Good luck to your friend then.

[quatre03]

I thought I read somewhere that the husband can be made to pay for the lawyer, if the wife has no money or anything. She is starting a job soon, but won't get paid for a month. She really can't stand him, and really wants him gone. So, does anyone know if there is a way to make the husband pay for the lawyer? Even just part of it?

 

She's thought of doing it herself, all the paperwork, but he's giving her a lot of crap/trouble/(the S word that isn't allowed to be said here) and refuses to cooperate. She has less that $100 of her own. With his paycheck, normally they take out what they need for bills, then split the rest. She uses her half to buy clothes for the kids, groceries, etc. He uses his (as far as she knows) for beer and cigarettes. She's also afraid that once she starts working, he won't give her money anymore. And he isn't the one that pays the bills. So, she wouldn't really be able to save up. If anyone has any advice, please help!

[avman]

Ok, well here's some help.

 

First of all, once the divorce is filed she should schedule a hearing with the judge for a temporary order of custody and support. That would force him to pay a certain amount each month so she can pay bills, buy food, etc. That would remain in place until the divorce is final and then custody, support, spousal maintenance, etc would be all decided.

 

As far as getting him to pay for the lawyer, yes its possible to do that. Thats something she needs to ask for in her divorce petition. The judge will take that into account when settling up the divorce and will base it on the ability to pay of each side.

 

Your friend should talk to a lawyer (many will do the first 30-45 minutes for free) to initially sort things out. She can spell out her situation and the lawyer will help her figure out how to make things work. Otherwise she can head down to the county court and get the papers from there. They can answer questions about how to fill out the paperwork, although they cannot give her legal advice.

 

Hope this helps.

[Tif007]

Not sure if Kentucky is a COMMUNITY PROPERTY State, but if it is, then she is entitled to 1/2 of everything that they aquired during the marriage. ALSO, since she did not work - she probably is entitled to alimony. He will be ordered to pay child support. ALL states are really cracking down on all these dead beat dads out there...... Although the Pro-Bono project did not work out for your friend, she needs to try Legal Aid help. I would only recommend going into court by herself if both parties (her and the husband) have agreed on how everything should be split up, etc. Being married for that long - you really have alot to look at - she will be entitled to 1/2 of retirement, 401K, house, etc. (If KY is a community property state). I hope all works out for your friend - Having a pre-nunp in place before you get married ALWAYS helps!!! ( It saved my butt - I had alot more to loose than him). You never ever think that you will separate/divorce, but if you do then you are sure glad that you signed one before you got married and they are really cheap to file with the courts.

 

Good Luck!

 

SMILE - IT MAKES PEOPLE WONDER WHAT YOU'VE BEEN UP TOO!!