I dont know how to get better

[want to change]

Hi, im 40 and have had jealousy issues since i was 15. Its not just jealousy over who my hubby speaks to etc, where he looks when we are out its the extreme of constantly checking movie contents before we watch anything (anything with even swimwear or underwear is too much), its the anxiety over facebook and emails even though he gives me no reason, its the extreme anxiety of everything we do where there may be a threat somewhere. Now i know im wrong and so i get ashamed of all my problems and keep quiet about a lot of them.

I have severe abandonment issues and now my hubby isnt working ive got even more used to him being at home, i dont like any time apart from him which is a struggle! He has a dx of paranoid psychosis which is why he left his last job, he is ready to work again but so many jobs are threatening to me, the last one he enquired about was working in a leisure centre - ok, i had to go and self harm over the thought of that - women in swimwear or gym wear etc. His last job was as a janitor in supermarket and id torture myself over him cleaning in womens toilets - what if there was someone in there changing clothes or something??? OR, strangely anything intimate like tampons etc on floor - i cant bear the intimacy with other women like that, anything which i can perceive as sexual.

Im 30 weeks pregnant and am now stuck with a homebirth cos when we went to first antenatal there were so many fotos of new mums with their babies and so many posters for breastfeeding, all my other antenatal appts are at my local doctors which is easier but i cant stand seeing other pregnant women and i often feel dirty for looking so pregnant. My biggest problem was going into hospital in case a woman was in labour and we could hear her or see her at any time, this kept me awake for night after night.

Anyway, only a couple of months ago we moved to a new area, theres me, my husband (of 3 weeks), 18 yr old son and 2 daughters age 8 and 6 (all 3 children are from a previous marriage to a man now dead - bad to say but he was bad father and husband and his death was the best gift he ever gave any of us).

Right well about 4 years ago i was diagnosed with bipolar, i score very high with tests for both this and borderline. I have seen a cpn week in week out for all these years and was seeing a lovely psychologist every week, both of who ive relied upon. I went to see mental health team here and after a 2 1/2 hour assessment they said they dont know what to do with me, they will talk to colleagues and get back to me - this doesnt seem promising to me getting any better, they also say this area doesnt have the rescources for me to have a cpn so i feel very abandoned and helpless!

I cant continue like this - ive considered so many times leaving my husband just so i cant be triggered and just so that he can live a more normal life, hes a film buff yet the poor man cant watch most films now, suicide isnt an option with children, my plan for a long time has been to see them to adulthood first but, with another child on the way that is a long time. I feeltrapped by life and i just want to end the pain of day to day living. There are triggers everywhere!

My background is from an emotionally dead mum and distant dad. I was sexually harrassed from age 19 to 39 by my mums husband and have had issues with men who seemed to take an interest in me from the age of 13. The reason we moved house in july is to make sure they werent any part of our lives, i have no friends except one internet friend who has similar issues who i have talked to every day via email for about a year and half, the only family i have is my dad who lives nearby, he is a nice man but emotionally distant so our relationship is one of politeness.

 

Unfortunately we moved to an area near the beach - will be ok for most of the year cos uk is cold but the summer is not good in seeing women sunbathing, i cant bear the thought of being here next summer!

 

I get to see shrink on monday but cos of pregnancy i may not be able to get any meds, my last doc wouldnt give me anti depressants cos of dx of bipolar, he gave me an anti psychotic called olanzapine which has high weight gain (yay, so good for someone with 0 self esteem) and also makes you sleepy in evening - not good when that means my hubby will be sitting alone which gives me crazy thoughts.

 

By the way i trust my husband, my last 2 partners were very deceitful but he is 100% honest and i do hate that i love his paranoia over my safety as it makes me feel loved and special.

 

does anyone have any advice as i feel very lost and depressed, thankyou just for reading,

kerry

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Have you ever tried cognitive behavioural therapy which would help change how you think about these issues which trigger your jealousy.

[want to change]

CBT is maybe an option but im reliant on my local mental health team. I also know that there is a waiting list for this so i could be left like this for months!

My last mental health team were brilliant, as soon as i broke down to my nurse about this other side of me she reffered me to psychologist saying it was urgent and i was seeing her only 2 weeks later.

Im just so scared and alone. My baby is breech and im trying to do all i can turn him, im only 30 weeks and its not considered a problem for another 6 but if he doesnt turn then i have to face going into the hospital again for scan etc and will have to be booked for c section which would mean staying in there for 3-5 days. Im just so tired of facing this every day, waking up with a cloud above me.

Even now, my hubby is upstairs playing wrestling game, he just came downstairs to check facebook and it looked to me like 3 pics of a topless woman, he clicked it off to next page quick, he is good like that, he doesnt avoid things just in case like i do, but never does anything knowledgeably to make me feel worse. He has no idea i even hate his wrestling game cos of the divas, some things are best left unsaid and just got on with!

[Bibsy]

Gosh, I know exactly how you feel. Thank you for commenting on my posting. My boyfriend is a total movie buff. He works in the movie industry and talks to big producers and directors all the time. He almost filmed this girl band music video and I was so upset (as humiliating as it is to admit) that I just did not know what to do with myself. It actually did not end up happening because of an unforeseen disaster but I was still so shaken up inside. He also was not planning on telling me what he was going to shoot. I had to ask him questions and he lied at first stating that he didn't know details. Then eventually he told me and I felt shocked and betrayed. He also shot a video of some bathing suit models for a commercial for a modeling company early on in our relationship. He offered to shoot it for the extra experience with the camera and that alone bothered me so much! I know it sounds so ridiculous, but the feelings just overcome you like a whirlwind of panic and it's such a helpless feeling. I know part of it is insecurity but I do believe it is in part a personality disorder. Insecurity does not take hold of your whole insides and shake your body up like it's in a blender the way this does.

 

I experienced sexual abuse and had abandonment issues with my mother similarly to you. It seems that there is some connection between those two factors and pathological jealousy.